I’m the `olland and Barrett security guard

Nick that natural liquorice stick

And you’ll be beaten up and barred

And if you try and sneak out with St John’s Wort down your vest

I’ll read you your rights and make a citizen’s arrest

I’m a kleptomaniac’s ultimate test

Steal our stock and you won’t get far

I’m the `olland and Barrett security guard

OK, there might be stronger and tougher and fitter men

But I’m the best in the biz when protecting vitamins

A, B, C, D and E

And if you’re dipping your mitts in the camomile tea

I’ll catch you on CCTV

(Unless you’re bigger than me)

“Oi – you ain’t paid for that Omega 3!”

Put away your counterfeit credit card

I’m the `olland and Barrett security guard

People often stop me and say

“What is this country coming to

When a leading high street health product retailer

Has to employ someone like you?”

Next we’ll have the SAS in Argos

SWAT teams in Top Shop

Mothercare encircled by a cordon of riot cops

Armed gendarmes in French Connection

Offering Bonmarche similar protection

US Marines in KFC

Our swimming pools made safer by the Royal Navy

While I’m the sentinel of flapjacks, laxatives and bran

As the `olland & Barrett security man

I wanted to work at Buckingham Palace

But some say instead I was handed this poison chalice

Still I’m climbing the ladder of my career

And if I play my cards right by this time next year

I’ll be Ronald MacDonald’s personal minder

No longer the monkey more the organ grinder

But till then I’ll police Manuka Honey and the juice of carrots

As the security guard for ‘olland & Barrett

As Judge Dredd said “I am the law”

So if you’re a crim don’t come into my store

Get your aloe vera and zinc elsewhere

(Don’t forget your glucosamine for your joint care

And tea tree shampoo for the shiniest hair)

Think! Before you pilfer that pomegranate drink

Quell your compulsion to pinch that kelp

Or seek out psychiatric help

You don’t wanna cross my path I’m so bloody hard

I’m the `olland and Barrett security guard