Some men like big women

Some men like them small

Some men like women

Who are hardly there at all

And it’s in that last category into which I fall

‘Cause my woman’s zero inches tall

Just one nanometer

She has no face

Not of the human race

Me and my amoeba

I’ll never leave her

My ex said “I saw her snog a spirogyra”

But I don’t believe her

Who got me out of my emotional prison?

My cute little unicellular organism

When we first met in biology

Friends thought something was wrong with me

Ignoring the warnings from my science teacher

I fell head over heels for a microscopic creature

I’m proud to walk hand in slime with her down the street

(Well actually I drag her cause she has no legs or feet)

But I don’t care that

All the world stares at

Me and my amoeba

She’s not just another blob

I wanna kiss her but she has no gob

She says “Neal it’s not a prob

“To have a baby with you

“I’ll simply split in two

“In three for twins

“Four for triplets

“Five for quads”

Reproduction’s not a difficult job for

Me and my amoeba

She has to tolerate racist folk

Tedious and tiresome single-cell jokes

She says I’m the best bloke she ever met - not like other guys

‘Cause I’m not fussed that she has no hair, brain, mouth, nose, ears or eyes

I’m so made up to be seen

With someone tiny and green

Why don’t you get to know her?

My wee protozoa

And if she does divide in two

It’s one amoeba for me

One amoeba for you

Then we could double date

Our miniature mates

Me and my amoeba

She’s my number one

I could never fall

For a bacterium

Me and my amoeba