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“Welcome
to Planet Tesco”
The
year is 2094
Sainsbury’s
was wiped out
In
the First Supermarket War
Asda
and Waitrose also bit the dust
Morrisons
and the Co-op
Were
forced to go bust
Woolworths
disappeared from the retail map
(Though
no-one noticed anyway ‘cause they were so crap)
As
Tesco slowly took over the planet
Stores
in every corner of the globe
From
Hollywood to the Isle of
Thanet
And
a checkout in every road
A
chilling mantra filled the air
As
Tesco share prices rose and rose and rose
“Welcome
to Planet Tesco”
The
red, white and blue of the Union Jack
Changed
to Tesco red, white and blue after the first attack
The
Tricolour went the same way
Then
the Stars and Stripes
As
mighty Tesco wielded its power
It
did anything it liked
It
took a seat on the Security Council of the UN
Wrote
the scripts for the Nine o’clock News and News at Ten
The
Red Sea became an enormous vat of Tesco
Beaujolais
(So
it filled up with drunken rag week students every day)
National
anthems were replaced by the Tesco corporate tune
The
universe’s biggest cheese counter was owned by Tesco on the moon
Capitalism
was running amok
It
was a death penalty offence to not wear Tesco underwear and socks
Avarice
and greed
Replaced
want and need
The
Tesco God was venerated
“Every
Little Helps” was inculcated
Smaller
traders assimilated
Millions
more pounds generated
To
feed the ever-expanding Tesco beast
Advertising
hoardings appeared in every possible place
Even
in outer space
9
out of 10 aliens – when polled
Identified
the Tesco logo as synonymous with the human race
“Welcome
to Planet Tesco”
Third World hunger was well and truly fed
And
left for dead
But
its population was now obese instead
While
the earth’s military did nothing as of course
Tesco
owned the entire army, navy and air force
Business
after business was swept aside
Under
the rising Tesco tide
Despite
a three billion signature petition
Then
Tesco distributed a new dictionary
That
excluded the word `competition’
“No
comment” said the statement from a powerless Monopolies Commission
The
victim of another Tesco takeover decision
“Welcome
to Planet Tesco”
Some
changes were obvious:
India became one huge
customer call centre
Australia
Tesco’s booze section and in-house brewery
South Africa was the place to go for
diamonds, gold and jewellery
You
bought your Christmas turkey in – well – Turkey
All
your junk food from the USA
While
anything broken or faulty
Was
– naturally - returned to the UK
Iceland was the freezer department
Scotland sold lard and pies
When
Israel
refused to sell bacon and pork
That
was no surprise
And
despite queues stretching west to the old Berlin wall
Russia still couldn’t stock
its shelves at all
But
that’s the way the world had to be
When
Tesco ran the economy
Tesco
holidays
Tesco
cars
Tesco
houses
Tesco
bras
Tesco
computers
Tesco
aeroplanes
Tesco
controlling gas, electricity and water mains
“Welcome
to Planet Tesco”
It’s
a hellish place
BUT
a nightmarish dystopian vision of the future
We’ve
no need to face
Your
high street doesn’t have to be a fatality
This
poem paints one picture
From
an infinite number of alternative realities
So
you can make it stop
Don’t
purchase for your pocket
Support
your local corner shop
Stem
the flow
Don’t
give the giant cause to grow
Resist,
resist
Cry
“NO! NO! NO!
And
say “Planet Tesco?
“It’s
not where I want to go!”
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