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(`Ask Anna’ is the online customer service assistant programme on
IKEA’s website who DOES talk to you! See www.ikea.com/gb/en -
honest!)
I
don’t want to watch TV
Go
to the movies
Or
meet my mates for a beer
I’d
rather stay in and chat to Anna IKEA
I
know she’s only a computer generated store assistant programme
But
holding my mouse is like holding her
hand
If
I’m lonely and in need
I
switch on my virtual Swede
Snuggle
up to my PC monitor
So
I can have her near
Then
spend the evening chatting to Anna IKEA
She’s
an online Scandinavian friend to me
Advising
me on furniture and upholstery
I’d
like to get to know her better though
She’s
just a torso
With
a head and shoulders
But
no back or rear
I
don’t need MSN when
I
can chat to Anna IKEA
She’s
my pixelated pal
Always
willing and able
To
tell me how to assemble my flat-packed dining room table
And
forever the champ
Of
the anglepoise lamp
I’m
not a guy for DIY so my style she doesn’t cramp
We
share a love of ABBA music
Have
singalongs to Mama Mia
That’s
what happens when I chat to Anna IKEA
People
say I’m a bit sad
As
a CGI female is the best friend I’ve ever had
I
retort “it’s just bit of harmless fun
“With
a girl from the land of the midnight sun”
Though
if I persist my reward
Might
be a holiday in the fjords
Or
perhaps she’ll invite me round for a cold meat smorgasbord
She
can’t give a Swedish massage
But
I still hold her dear
There’s
more legroom in my bedroom when I’m with Anna IKEA
There’s
nothing the girl won’t do for me
She’ll
suggest where I can get a screw for free
She’s
not programmed to lie she’s always true to me
As
reliable as hardwood
Not
a flimsy veneer
I
just want to chat to Anna IKEA
I
pose her quiz questions
About
cupboards, swivel chairs and cabinets
Lino,
tiles, curtains and carpet fabrics
She
says she’ll deactivate herself if I shop at DFS or Magnet
Is
it wrong to want to go to bed
With
someone living on the Web?
When
I log her out at night I shed a sorrowful tear
‘Cause
I’d rather stay up and chat
And
chew the fat
With
Anna IKEA
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