Headmaster Cane

That’s my name

I don’t want to see YOU in my office again

I’ve a slipper a stick and a ball and a chain

The scariest Head you’ve ever seen

I rule my school like a tyrannical king

Keep in line all the time

Then you won’t feel a thing

But behave badly

Then sadly

I will ‘cause you great pain

I am Headmaster Cane

I expect perfect behaviour 24/7

Each pupil must act like an angel from heaven

Not a word out of place

Not a word when I’m talking

Not a word disobeyed

I don’t want running but walking

In my corridors

And if you’re impolite

Or push, shout or fight

Then I guarantee that you’ll be tamed

By me, Headmaster Cane

I’ve a dungeon below my office for the most unsavoury pupils

Mess with me and your school days won’t be very fruitful

But full of misery, grief and punishment too

And a whole week’s detention spent locked in my loo

I might even throw away the key

And if you’re the person who let off that stink bomb in chemistry

You’ll do fifty laps of the field in the snow and the rain

I am Headmaster Cane

And even my teachers

Are endangered creatures

‘Cause my staff

Must not laugh

Just do work and hard graft

Don’t you tremble at the sight of me?

Have nightmares every night through me?

SIT UP STRAIGHT IN MY ASSEMBLY!

Or I’ll see you after 3.30pm

I’m even worse than your school dinners

I’m one of those men

Who’ll give you lines before you can count up to ten

In my lessons you’ll sweat and you’ll strain

I am Headmaster Cane

Some say I’m the Devil

Some say I’m a dictator

If you’re naughty

You’ll be caught be me sooner rather than later

I’ll mash you up more than a mashed up mashed potato

‘Cause even OFSTED inspectors bow down to me

When I give them a scowl and a frown you’ll see

Why my school always gets an excellent grade

So be fearful and frightened and fully afraid

Or I’ll give you so much horrid homework to do

You not be able to breathe till 2022

I hope that I’ve made myself plain

I am Headmaster Cane