I want to murder my dentist

For every time she’s hammered in my head

For every nerve ending that she’s left for dead

For every teeny weeny piece of hurt

For every ruined blood-stained shirt

For every excruciating bit of root canal work

For every sharp metal clamp jammed into my tooth

For every `you won’t feel a thing’ violation of the truth

I want to get my own back

For her orthodontic attack

Wedge open her jaw and drill her

Inflict pain on her and kill her

I want to murder my dentist

For all her bland and banal one-way conversation

For every can’t-eat-for-three-hours numbing sensation

For her putrid purple water she makes me sip

For the spotlight she shines in my face that replicates an acid trip

For carelessly cutting my bottom lip

I want my aggression to unload

Give her what she’s owed

And grab her teeth

And gouge and grind them

And scratch and scrape them

And pull and pick them

And rob and rape them

I want to murder my dentist

For every carcinogenic x-ray

For every penny of the few million quid I’ve had to pay

Over the years

For making me confront my deepest fears

For inflicting the totally rubbish music of Magic FM on my ears

For every needle

For every injection

For the creepy rubber gloves she wears for protection

For every secondary oral infection

That’s necessitated a course of penicillin

For every single cap, bridge, denture and filling

I want to murder my dentist

For every tasty chocolate bar that she’s warned me not to eat

For every time I’ve swallowed my tongue through reclining too far in her seat

For every time she’s made me slur my speech

And dribble down my chest

For every second spent in her waiting room reading ten-year old copies of the Reader’s Digest

For wearing that scary mask and turning my sweetest dream to a nightmare

For making me frequently soil my underwear

For making me floss every night and day

For making my hair fall out and turn prematurely grey

For taking my dignity away

For every molar and incisor that she’s extracted

For every horror movie scene that she’s re-enacted

For every hostile action perpetrated

For every wince, whine and scream I’ve generated

I want to murder my dentist

I’ll get her in the end

‘Cause though she’s full of smiles

I know all the while

They’re only pretend

So I’m going to murder my dentist

Then instead of tasting antiseptic in my mouth…

I’ll taste the sweet taste of revenge