Why can’t I be more like Ken?

He’s the male role model for so many men

Full of wit and wisdom and humour and charm

With a beautiful babe hanging on each arm

I’m an eight-stone weakling so God would it harm

Me being upgraded from a four to a ten?

So I can be more like Ken

My dolls would make great stocking fillers

All smooth and silky not hairy gorillas

Superman himself would want my physique

Though you’d need to pull a cord to make me speak

And though my head and limbs would move real stiffly

And my permanent stare would make me look so shifty

I’d forever be twenty instead of going past fifty

Of course I’d only be made of plastic

But being more like Ken would be fantastic

Other guys would no longer kick sand in my face

I’d wear a wardrobe of style and panache and taste

My biceps and triceps would ripple in the breeze

My tan would be the colour of Red Leicester cheese

They’d be a female scrum if I dropped my car keys

With women crying “Neal we want to please ya

Now you look more like that cute Ken geezer”

I’d own a Porsche, a Roller and two Lamborghinis

And be stalked by ladies in tiny bikinis

Enter Mr Universe contests and always win

Not be old and fat but young and thin

I’d have Schwarzenegger’s muscles and Daniel Craig’s chin

If you got Barbie’s beau and made me like him

Although he has no equipment to procreate or pee

Ken is still the bloke I aspire to be

Yes - my cosmetic surgery would be worth every penny

If I ended up looking…

MORE LIKE KENNY