Now is it just my imagination

Or has there been a proliferation

All over our nation

In every conceivable area

Of the bête noire of bête noires

The Staffordshire Bull Terrier?

Insidiously they’re taking over

Due to Neolithic men from John O’Groats to Dover

None of this “hi - I’m a nice doggy called Rover?” 

But instead 

It’s “don’t come near me mate coz I’ll bite off your bleedin’ ‘ead”

And it’s not Rover 

But Psycho

Or Rocky

Or Rambo

Or Killer

They wanna have your kids for a snack or sandwich filler

That’s the kinda thing that’s going down

All over the UK, aka Staffytown

Dogs owned by men with inferiority complexes trying to boost their virility

Or Mr and Mrs Nutter hell-bent on destroying our peace and tranquillity

Forever looking like their pets

High incidences of one-armed vets

I’m shopping down the road covered in sweat

While the Staffies all wear collars decorated with metal studs

Have stocky necks 

Stronger than my pecs 

Scarier than a t.rex

And a penchant for the smell of my blood

What happened to our poodle loving society

Sensitivity, sanity and sobriety?

Where has a gentle woof been replaced by a bloodcurdling snarling sound?

All over the UK, aka Staffytown

And being a pussycat

Is a dangerous thing to be

Rampant doggies

Cause suicidal moggies

To write to Dear Deirdre

E.g. 

“This dog I know ate Pedigree Chum

Now he wants warm feline for tea

Namely me!”

Ok, some people have them for protection

But that’s how America started with guns

We’re moving in the wrong direction 

To protect your home from harm

Get an old-fashioned burglar alarm

Not a frenzied animal that bites first and asks questions later

With razor sharp teeth to put to shame any self-respecting alligator

Where has the once strong but safe Alsatian 

All but lost its crown?

All over the UK, aka Staffytown

I’m no canine hater

But Staffies will get us all sooner or later

If brought up like sharks on heat

And taught “human arse = yummy meat”

So blame the owner not the hound

It’s them we should by putting down

Then we’ll reclaim out cities by the score

Dogs we meet on the street we can greet and shake their paw

No mutilation, laceration, aggravation anymore

Peaceful pooches and playful puppies all around

All over the UK

Come the day 

It’s not aka 

Staffytown