So I was there

At the Sugababes’ audition

Thinking my singing voice was in tip-top condition

As I performed a wicked harmony

On Push the Button

Ugly

And Freak Like Me

So why did I feel un-ease-ee?

A sense of inferiority

Washed over me

‘Cause I had all the right clothes

All the right moves

Make up

A blonde wig

All the right grooves

And a pair of swanky high-heeled glittery shoes

Now I’m not cross-dresser 

But is there anything you wouldn’t do

To make your dream come true?

Yes - I was happy to misbehave

If it meant I could be the 4th Sugababe

It could have been so much more than just my fifteen minutes of fame

It was what I was built for

My raison d’etre

Becoming the 4th Sugababe 

Brit Awards, money, groupies, world-wide recognition etcetera

People asking for my autograph saying “Neal we’re glad we met ya”

So I was there with the Babes

Just the four of us

Me, Keisha, Heidi

And the other one who’s pretty…

Anonymous

Then the bombshell dropped

With a giant p-lop

My heartbeat s-topped

As Heidi said

“Look – the thing is Neal

What we feel is

Though it’s been a difficult decision

It’s a Sugababes tradition

To admit only girls into the band

You are kinda cute

A fab vocalist to boot

But the thing is YOU’RE A MAN

So I hope you understand

That you just wouldn’t suit”

Well!

Clutching straws I looked over at Keisha

Who alas agreed with Heidi and solemnly nodded

Then the other one (whose name I still didn’t know) did the same

After she was prodded

I wanted to scream “foul”

Cry “sexual discrimination”

And being Jewish as well look at anti-racist legislation

But bitterness can drag you down

And I thought I’d get a few quid on E-bay

For my stage outfit and ball-gown

In fact the Babes were great really

They said the call was tough

That they hoped I felt I hadn’t been treated too rough

As I left they gave me stickers, posters CDs and all kindsa stuff

Tickets for their next show

They said I could be an extra in their next video

(I asked Heidi for her mobile number but she told me where to go)

And if you’re wondering

How I managed to pull myself back together

Well my motto is: “never say never”

So I’m NOT gonna live my life under a cloud

Instead I’m completing my application

To be the 6th member

Of Girls Aloud