Here Comes the Wind

December 26, 2015 by Neal zetter

I'm banging on your door
And moving stuff across the floor
Just like an angry child
Who's acting crazy, running wild
So howly
So growly
Here comes the wind
Whoooooosh

You can't see me at all
While smashing on your garden wall
Or zooming through the air
I'll lift that table, shift that chair
So busy
So dizzy
Here comes the wind
Whoooooooooooosh

I get your washing dry
Then toss it high into the sky
Sometimes I bring the rain
Then make your washing wet again
So bashy
So crashy
Here comes the wind
Whoooooooooooooooooosh

In autumn I'm the breeze
Who blows the leaves from many trees
You know when I'm about
You hear me scream and wail and shout
So fizzy
So whizzy
Here comes the wind
Whoooooooooooooooooooooooosh

Inside the haunted house
I'll scare you as I rush around
I rant and rage and roar
And dash down darkened corridors
So swirly
So whirly
Here comes the wind
Whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooosh

Life is Better with a Cake

December 23, 2015 by Neal zetter

The title quotes the new Mr Kipling cakes' slogan and the idea for the poem was inspired by my cakeaholic friend, Adele.

Life is better with a cake
You can't beat a sticky bun
Danish pastry, Black Forest gateau
Battenberg, Victoria sponge
Choose a food that's fun, fun, fun
Mix flour, egg, sugar, butter etcetera
What's it going to make?
That tantalising treasure
That gorgeous guilty pleasure
Life is better with a cake

Chocolate eclair, treacle tart
Fudge brownie, apple strudel
Where to start?
Indulge your cup of tea or coffee
With a wedge of fresh banoffee
Sprinkled with crushed almond flakes
A double-sized slice
Is twice as nice
Life is better with a cake

I hang around the bakery
I lurk in the patisserie
No longer counting calories
There's only one dessert for me
Dripping raspberry sauce
Oozing jam and double cream
Packaged like a perfect dream
Madeira, red velvet, New York cheese
Tiramisu, Swiss roll, Dundee
Yes please!
While you go weak at the knees you know
That comfy, warm internal glow
Life is better with a cake

So when everything stops
At eleven o'clock
Celebrate today with a cherry on top
No need to slobber for a steak
For your satisfaction's sake
Brighten up your morning break
By eating as much of that sweet stuff
As your appetite can take
Life is better with a cake

I Lost My Shadow

December 21, 2015 by Neal zetter

I lost my shadow

Now want him back

So tall and thin and grey and black

He has my shape

Shares my outline

If you spot him you'll know he's mine

He moves like me

Does what I do

With his feet fastened to my shoes

A mime artist

Who makes no sound

Stuck on a wall or on the ground

He follows me

Each night and day

But never has he run away

I'm half the man

I used to be

Since shadow disappeared last week

My mirror mate

My copycat

I lost my shadow now want him back!

One Ate

December 20, 2015 by Neal zetter

Eighteen, twenty-one, twenty-two
Thirty-six, thirty-nine, forty-three

Were these my lucky numbers for the lottery today?
No, this was my dinner from the Chinese takeaway

My Secret Chocolate Stash

December 17, 2015 by Neal zetter

I've got a secret chocolate stash
That's hidden in my house
It's stored securely somewhere safe
For when my sweets run out

It's buried under lock and key
And is completely mine
A scrumptious bar of heaven
My emergency supply

And if today is grim and grey
With rain instead of sun
I'll bolt my door, sit on my floor
Then stuff my face for fun

I know it isn't healthy
I know it isn't right
But I just can't resist a food
So beautiful to bite

Twelve perfect squares to savour
Gobble, nibble, nosh and pick
I don't care I've eaten dinner
And am feeling sick

Who is the one to turn to
When I am feeling down?
My friendly, fatty, sugary mate
Delicious, smooth and brown

You can turn my bedroom inside out
Until it's totally trashed
Still you'll never, ever, ever, ever, ever find...
My secret chocolate stash

Have a Laugh

December 10, 2015 by Neal zetter

Have a chuckle
Have a giggle
Till your belly bobs and jiggles
Go on - act completely daft
Have a laugh
Ha! Ha! Ha!

You'll feel jolly
You'll feel cheery
When your day is dull and dreary
Don't sing in your shower or bath
Have a laugh
Ha! Ha! Ha!

Ha! Ha! Ha!
He! He! He!
Try a bit of comedy
Laugh, laugh, laugh
Have a laugh!
Ha! Ha! Ha!

Make a smirk
Make a smile
Keep on grinning all the while
Like hyenas
Not giraffes
Have a laugh
Ha! Ha! Ha!

Why be grumpy?
Why be moody?
When you're down and bored and broody
Reach out to your happy half
Have a laugh
Ha! Ha! Ha!

Ha! Ha! Ha!
He! He! He!
Melt away your misery
Laugh, laugh, laugh
Have a laugh!
Ha! Ha! Ha!

Poetry is a State of Mind

December 01, 2015 by Neal zetter

I was going to write a poem about self-doubt
But wasn't sure I was up to the task

I was going to write a poem about laziness
But just couldn't be bothered

I was going to write a poem about jealousy
But you had already produced a better one (and I hate you for it)

I was going to write a poem about despair
But what would have been the point?

I was going to write a poem about amnesia
But kept forgetting to start it

I was going to write a poem about perfectionism
But didn't know where to put that semi-colon

I was going to write a poem about procrastination
But decided to wait till tomorrow

I was going to write a poem about fear
But was too terrified to put pen to paper

I was going to write a poem about arrogance
But did not want to embarrass other poets with my brilliance

I was going to write a poem about paranoia
But the voices were whispering 'Don't do it Neal”

Finally, I was going to write a poem about positive thinking
So I did

A Wookiee is Not Just for Christmas

November 28, 2015 by Neal zetter

A Wookiee is not just for Christmas
He'll want to stick with you forever
If you pick up one
On the way to the sun
You'll always be spotted together

A Wookiee is not just for Christmas
Han Solo found out from Chewbacca
He'll groan, growl and howl
Has breath pretty foul
But is loyal as a mate or a mucker

A Wookiee is not just for Christmas
Though stronger than wrestling champions
A tall furry rug
He loves to give hugs
And make you a perfect companion

A Wookiee is not just for Christmas
He won't depart sooner or later
Much more than a pet
He'll baffle the vet
And help you defeating Darth Vader

A Wookiee is not just for Christmas
It's true – just check out Wookieepedia
As Star Wars fans know
If you take him home
Once moved in he won't want to leave ya

Food Bed

November 26, 2015 by Neal zetter

Make me a pillow of fluffy marshmallow
Let me lie on a bed of rice
Wrapped in sweet sugar icing sheets
So I'm sandwiched inside snug and nice

I'll wear pyjamas made (of course) from bananas
A sponge cake mattress would be comfy and neat
And if I'm smothered in warm chocolate sauce
I'll sleep for the rest of the week

The Blue-Footed Booby Bird

November 17, 2015 by Neal zetter

Beady eyes and pointed beak
He says "Booby", we say "Freak"
Looking strange enough to live inside a horror movie
You'll never see a bird like the blue-footed booby

If he could choose now instead
He'd prefer his tootsies red
Greedily scoffed all the fish I cooked for tea last Tuesday
You'll never see a bird like the blue-footed booby

Always he's the laughing stock
Ought to buy some long white socks
Though he tries at acting tough and rough and mean and moody
You'll never see a bird like the blue-footed booby

Will he ever get a date?
Will he ever find a mate?
Like a Disney character that's comic and cartoony
You'll never see a bird like the blue-footed booby

Standing out from any crowd
Other birds all laugh aloud
Why did Mother Nature make him wacky, weird and loopy?
You'll never see a bird like the blue-footed booby

So...
If you see a booby bird while visiting the zoo
There's no need to remind him that his feet are coloured blue!

Dave's Dad's Eating Dog Food for Dinner

November 08, 2015 by Neal zetter

Dave's dad's eating dog food for dinner
Dave's dad's eating dog food for tea
He tells us “Don't waste it
“It's yummy and tasty
“And every dog I know agrees”

Dave's dad's eating dog food in restaurants
Dave's dad's eating dog food in pubs
Wherever the venue
Whatever the menu
He only has one choice of grub

Dave's dad's eating dog food with custard
Dave's dad's eating dog food on toast
When he has this craving
He might pinch the gravy
You're wanting to pour on your roast

Dave's dad's eating dog food with ketchup
Dave's dad's eating dog food with cream
The doctor's remarking
“He's certainly barking
“And now seeing dog food in dreams!”

Dave's dad's eating dog food for supper
Dave's dad's eating dog food for snacks
The dog, starving hungry
Who last ate on Sunday
Is licking his lips at the cat

Dave's dad's eating dog food for breakfast
Dave's dad's eating dog food for lunch
He says “Keep your meat pies
“Fruit, salad and French fries
“'Cause dog food's the pick of the bunch!”

Frankenstein's Monster Lives

October 30, 2015 by Neal zetter

With a thousand nuts
And a thousand bolts
Metal, planks of wood
Plus a million volts
There's a creature born
At the crack of dawn
Frankenstein's Monster lives

Standing eight feet tall
Hear him grunt and growl
At the lightning's flash
And the werewolf's howl
Are those shrieks and shouts
From that haunted house?
Frankenstein's Monster Lives

Wearing hobnail boots
Tatty scarecrow clothes
Check his flattened head
And his ugly nose
Jagged rotten teeth
Such a frightening freak
Frankenstein's Monster Lives

Skin of grimy grey
Add a tinge of green
You can catch him soon
On a movie screen
Banging on your door?
Then you'll know for sure
Frankenstein's Monster Lives

If he's rising from his slab you
Better run or else he'll grab you
Frankenstein's Monster Lives

Pizza Delivery Man

October 26, 2015 by Neal zetter