Escapologist

Tie my hands and feet together

Toss my body in a sack

Lock me in a darkened dungeon

Until all I see is black

Hang me from the highest wire

Handcuffs fixed around my wrists

I guarantee

I'll still break free

I'm an escapologist


Put a straightjacket upon me

Lower me into a well

Keep me cooped up in a cavern

Bind me with a magic spell

Drown me in the deepest ocean

I am sure I'll not be missed

As you will learn

I'll soon return

I'm an escapologist


Leave me languishing in deserts

While the sun scorches my head

Drop me in the icy arctic

Lost in landscapes full of dread

Trap me in a burning building

I'll be able to resist

Like a genie

Or Houdini

I'm an escapologist

Nan’s Biscuit Lesson

I LOVED baking biscuits with Nan

So many styles and sorts of biscuits!


Long, short, fat, thin, round, rectangular, square - even triangular ones!


Some topped with chopped nuts, icing patterns or rainbow sprinkles


Some smothered in smooth white, milk or - my FAVOURITE - dark chocolate


Some containing crinkly raisins, super-sweet jam or yummyscrummy buttercream filling

But every type of biscuit she created was TOTALLY DELICIOUS

And although each was very different from the next

They all had the same three basic ingredients

Flour, butter, sugar

I thought that was AMAZING


I always laughed when Nan used to say that her biscuits were just like people

How could a biscuit be like a person?


Now, I’m a bit older and wiser

I finally understand what she meant by that


DO YOU?

Whodunnit?

The detectives arrived at the scene of the crime


Victim A: mesmerised by dazzling rhyme


Victim B: developed a reading infatuation


Victim C: grew a fantastic imagination


Victim D: heard rhythms racing round her head


Victim E: swapped his TV for some books instead


And who was the culprit?

That stumped the whole police force

I’m sure that you know

It was the poet

Of course


Jekyll/Hide

Will you be caring, sympathetic

Loving, gentle, sweet, ecstatic?

Will you be moody, mean, malicious

Bitter, selfish, wild, erratic?


Will you be upbeat, cheerful, friendly

Happy, joyful, full of smiles?

Will you be cruel, foul, bad-tempered

Horrid, nasty, vicious, vile?


Will you inform me when you wake up

To give me an early warning

Will you be a Doctor Jekyll

Or a Mister Hyde this morning?

One Welly Boot

You can't wear just one welly boot

When marching through the mud

You can't wear just one welly boot

When trudging through the sludge

You can't wear just one welly boot

Your foot will get so sore

You can't wear just one welly boot

What was 'a pair' made for?

You can't wear just one welly boot

It's not the thing to do

You can't wear just one welly boot

Who owns a single shoe?

I strongly recommend

You buy another from the shop

You can't wear just one welly boot

Unless you want to

hop

hop

hop

hop

hop

INSPIRATION!

Frantic fever

So exciting

From a single

Spark igniting

An incredible creation

That's the thrill of INSPIRATION!


Tingle, tremble

Quake and quiver

Feel your body

Shake and shiver

Brightest burst of innovation

That's the thrill of INSPIRATION!


Ideas racing

Thought commotion

Pure enjoyment

Mind explosion

Wild and wonderful sensation

That's the thrill of INSPIRATION!


Turbocharging

Heartbeat hectic

Superpowered

All electric

Reach unchartered destinations

That's the thrill of INSPIRATION!


Flashing brilliance

Rapid blood rush

Deepest insight

Burning brain buzz

Led by your imagination

BANG! ZIP! WOW! WHIZZ!

POP! ZAP! POW! FIZZ!

That's the thrill of INSPIRATION!


Bottoms, Bottoms

(Bottoms, bottoms)

Bottoms are best

(Bottoms, bottoms)

Bottoms are cool

(Bottoms, bottoms)

Bottoms are big

(Bottoms, bottoms)

Bottoms are small

(Bottoms, bottoms)

Bottoms for girls

(Bottoms, bottoms)

Bottoms for boys

(Bottoms, bottoms)

Bottoms are fun

(Bottoms, bottoms)

Bottoms make noise


(Bottoms, bottoms)

Bottoms are black

(Bottoms, bottoms)

Bottoms can't walk

(Bottoms, bottoms)

Bottoms are white

(Bottoms, bottoms)

Bottoms can't talk


(Bottoms, bottoms)

Bottoms are square

(Bottoms, bottoms)

Bottoms are round

(Bottoms, bottoms)

Bottoms are great

(Bottoms, bottoms)

FOR SITTING DOWN!


Just Checking...

Standing in the bus queue...I'm checking my phone...

Chatting with...I'm checking my phone...friends over coffee

Doing the weekly...I'm checking my phone...supermarket shop

Waiting for the...I'm checking my phone...8.23

Walking...I'm checking my phone...down the street

Even crossing...I'm checking my phone...the road (!)

...I'm checking my phone...Watching the TV

Eating breakfast...I'm checking my phone...lunch or dinner

Straining my eyes...I'm checking my phone...again

No idea why...I'm checking my phone...

What's my default setting?...I'm checking my phone...

While life's happening all around me...I'm checking my phone...

(PS What are you doing now?)

The Worrisome Worry Monster

I'm the worrisome Worry Monster

Increasing your levels of stress

I stalk your thoughts forever

And mush your mind into a mess


I'm the worrisome Worry Monster

A mental health bully and lout

I put you in a panic

While filling you up with self-doubt


I'm the worrisome Worry Monster

Invading your nightmares and dreams

When confidence is fragile

I pull it apart at the seams


I'm the worrisome Worry Monster

So scaly and spiky and vile

Unleashing apprehension

Until you surrender your smile


I'm the worrisome Worry Monster

Where am I? Not under your bed

Nor prowling round your attic

But living inside of your head






Somebody Else’s Underpants

They itch, they scratch, they don’t feel right

It’s hard to breathe, they’re far too tight

I bought bright blue yet these are white

I’ve somebody else’s underpants


They’re not my choice, they’re not my style

I need to stand up for a while

Discomfort! Pain! It’s hard to smile

I’ve somebody else’s underpants


They squeeze my front, they squash my rear

Where are they from? I’ve no idea

You wonder why I shed a tear?

I’ve somebody else’s underpants


I might wear someone else’s shirt

Their jumper, coat, hat, scarf or skirt

But not these briefs that pinch and hurt

I’ve somebody else’s underpants


Unhappy they're below my waist

The owner clearly had no taste

What bigger crisis could I face?

I’ve somebody else’s underpants


For sure this clothing isn't mine

So if it’s yours drop me a line

Emergency! Call 999!

I’ve somebody else’s underpants

Recycling Man

When you’ve finished with your bottles, jars, paper, tins

Bits of wood, grass, leaves or banana skins

Don’t dispose of them in your big black bins

Please give me a call

I’ll collect it all

I've a world-saving plan

I'm the Recycling Man


I’ll transform tonnes of rubbish into different stuff

Because I'm smart as well as extra tough

Chucking things away isn’t good enough

Be your planet’s pal

Dial my number now

I've a world-saving plan

I'm the Recycling Man


Such a rare superhero, I'm a unique breed

Piles of weekly waste become what you need

'Useless' to 'useful' ever guaranteed

Shouting: “Green is great!”

Mother Nature’s mate

I've a world-saving plan

I'm the Recycling Man


So bring out your garbage if I knock on your door

Hand it to me and then hand me some more

We CAN win this environmental war

Junk old to new

It’s what I do

I've a world-saving plan

I'm the Recycling Man

I Want to Marry Me

I want to marry me

It's what I want to do

Don't want to marry him or her

Don't want to marry you


I want to marry me

Though it's against the rules

Why have a husband or a wife

When solo's oh so cool?


I want to marry me

My path to perfect bliss

I'm keen to cuddle by myself

Then give my lips a kiss


I want to marry me

I'll purchase just one ring

Won't need a spouse inside my house

A partner's not my thing

I want to marry me

Then honeymoon alone

Ein, uno, un will be such fun

I’ll live life on my own


I want to marry me

That's absolutely fine

Take it as read - I've planned ahead

Although...I'm only nine

My Monkey's Poem

Ooo oooooo

“Ooo ooo ooo - ooo ooo ooo?”

Ooo ooo

Ooo ooo ooo


Ooo ooo oooooo

Ooo ooo

OOO!
OOO!
OOO!
OOO! OOO!

Ooo ooo ooo


Ooo ooo oooooo

Ooo ooo: Bananas

(Ooo ooo ooo)

Ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo

Ooo ooo ooo


Ooo ooo oooooo

Ooo ooo

Ooo ooo: Peanuts

Ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo

Ooo ooo ooo


Ooo ooo ooo - ooo ooo ooo*

Ooo ooo

Oooooooooooooooooo!

Ooo ooo ooo


Ooo ooo oooooo

Ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo

Ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo...

OOO! OOO! OOO!


(*Ooo ooo ooo ooo - ooo ooo)

Tap

Drip, drip, drip

Like a slow ticking clock

Drip, drip, drip

Never ends, never stops

Drip, drip, drip

Down the plug, down the drain

Drip, drip, drip

Then again and again


Drip, drip, drip

Every night, every day

Drip, drip, drip

Water dribbles away

Drip, drip, drip

A monotonous sound

Drip, drip, drip

In my head, rolling round


Drip, drip, drip

Hits the old metal sink

Drip, drip, drip

Call a plumber I think

Drip, drip, drip

Keeping me wide awake

Drip, drip, drip

PLEASE – FOR GOODNESS SAKE!


Drip, drip, drip

Like a slow ticking clock

Drip, drip, drip

Never ends, never stops

Drip, drip, drip

Down the plug, down the drain

Drip, drip, drip

Then again and again

Talk

When you have a bad day, can't cope any longer

You're weak and you're wobbly, wish you were stronger

When lying in bed is your choice recreation

Until happiness is your poorest relation

When you're feeling bruised, brittle, so close to breaking

Each step you're attempting's the toughest you're taking

When your stomach's knotted, too tight to be undone

Then lighten that huge load

By talking to someone

Brother Versus Sister

He said YES

She said NO

He said TO

She said FRO

He said WEAK

She said STRONG

He said RIGHT

She said WRONG


He said DO

She said DON'T

He said WILL

She said WON'T

He said HORSE

She said COW

He said ZAP!

She said POW!


He said YOUNG

She said OLD

He said HOT

She said COLD

He said A

She said B

He said SHE

She said HE


He said DOG

She said CAT

He said THIN

She said FAT

He said FLIP

She said FLOP

Till Mum said

STOP! STOP! STOP!

Heart

I'm your heart, your body's pump

Thump, thump

Thump, thump

Thump, thump

Thump, thump

Like a big internal drum

Nestled just above your tum

Working arteries and veins

Powering organs (e.g. brains)


24 hours of the day

When you’re young till old and grey

Feeding you from head to toe

Super living dynamo!


I'm your heart, your body's pump

Thump, thump

Thump, thump

Thump, thump

Thump, thump


Feel my rhythm, hear my beat

Regular as marching feet

At your centre, at your core

Shifting blood then shifting more

I’m love’s symbol, I’m love’s sign

Find me on your Valentine

If I stopped, you'd cease to be

So please take good care of me


I'm your heart, your body's pump

Thump, thump

Thump, thump

Thump, thump

THUMP, THUMP!