My Poems

A small sample of my poems is below. Please click the link to read them and rest assured that I will always perform poems suited to my audience.

Primary and Young Secondary

• 006
• A Bit Famous
• A Wookiee is Not Just for Christmas
• AHHHH...CHOOOO!
• An Alien Lives at Number 42
• An Amazing Alliterative Incredible Insect Invasion
• Andrew’s Scariest Scab
• Angry Shopping Trolley
• Animals Can't Write Poetry
• ARACHNOPHOBIA!
• Art
• Ba nana nana nana nana nana nana nana nana nana nana nana nana nana
• Babytalk
• Bad Smells
• Bath Time
• Bats! Bats! Bats!
• Beware the Pamplemousse!
• Big Sister's in the Bathroom
• Blah! Blah! Blah!
• Bolognese Baby
• Bookworm, Bookworm
• Born a Cartoon
• Bored Superhero
• Bounce
• Brainfreeeeeeeeze
• Brian the Brain
• Bubblewrap
• Bungee Jumping Grandad
• Cape & Tights & Pants
• Captain Polystyrene
• Caterpillar, Caterpillar
• Catch the Flea!
• Charlie the Chipetarian
• Chef's Revenge
• Chemistry Set
• Chicken in the Kitchen
• Circle
• Claude le Croissant
• Cool Addiction
• Crazy Old Uncle
• Custard Man
• Dad's Fallen in Love with the Sat Nav
• Dad's Chair
• Dave's Dad's Eating Dog Food for Dinner
• Delaying Tactics
• Detention Rap
• Discombobulated
• Dissimiles
• Dizzy
• DON'T
• Don't Annoy That Monster
• Don't Drink Out the Drain
• Don''t Eat the Animals
• Don't Forget Your Toothbrush!
• Don’t Pick on Giraffes
• Don't Scrape the Knife on Your Plate
• Don’t Tread on Me Trainers
• Down the Side of the Sofa
• Eat a Peanut
• Everyone Loves a Cliffhanger
• Failed Kamikaze
• Father After Christmas
• Feet
• Fire Alarm
• Flies
• Fluff
• Food Bed
• Football Fan
• Foul Play
• Frankenstein's Monster Lives
• Friday is Chip Day
• Gadget Man
• Gorilla Ballerina
• Grab a Book
• Grandad Drives a Tank
• Gravity
• Guinness World Records
• Gutted
• H2O
• Hair of the Dog
• Haunted House
• Have a Laugh
• Headmistress Cane
• He’s a P.I.G
• Here Comes Sister Speed!
• Here Comes the Wind
• Hide-and-Hippo
• Hiiiiii-ku!
• Holes
• HOMEWORK!
• Hop! Hop! Hop!
• HOT!
• Hot Stuff
• How Many Sleeps?
• How to Spot a Horse
• Hurricane Neal
• Hyeeeeeenas
• I Can't Cope with Maths
• I Can’t Wait Till I’m 10
• I Dreamt I was a Baby Again
• I Found the Loch Ness Monster
• I Hate Football!
• I Heard all the Dinosaurs ROOOOOOAAAAAAR!
• I Like to Brush My Teeth
• I Live in a Bin
• I Lost My Shadow
• I Love My Dad's Boots
• I Love My Teddy Bear
• I Swallowed a Whale
• I Want to Be a Clown
• I Wish I was a Sumo Wrestler
• I Won't Eat Snails
• I Write
• If I was a Spy
• In My Head
• Inside Grandad's Shed
• Invisible Dog
• Iron Man’s Gone Rusty
• Itch
• I'm a Bee
• I’m a Chocoholic
• I’m a Lollipop Man
• I'm a Poet
• I'm a Skunk
• I’m a Spare Spare Rib
• I'm a Tree
• I’m an Ant
• I'm an Electric Eel
• I'm an Ice Cream Man
• I’m Going out with the Invisible Woman
• I'm Not Michael Rosen
• I'm Not Superman
• I'm Not Too Old to Own a Teddy Bear
• I’m the Letter Z
• It's a Dogs' World
• It's Got to Be a Pea
• It's Not Fine to Sit on a Porcupine
• It's Pants
• I’ve Fallen in Love with a Dalek
• Jam
• Jellyfish
• Jellyphant
• Join the Queue
• Just SSSSSSNIFF!
• Just Walk
• Kangaroo Can
• Karate Chicken
• Kids Love Ketchup
• Killer Dog
• Legomaniac
• Life is Better with a Cake
• Liger
• Lightning Bolt
• Lists 
• London Bus
• LOUD
• Luminous Yellow Banana Medicine
• Lurgy
• Magic Rubber
• Magnetic Me
• Making a Mess
• Mammoth on the Underground
• Marry My Teacher
• Martian Kids
• Matter and Antimatter
• Match of the Day
• Mega Slug
• Micro-Girl
• Minotaur in My Minestrone Soup
• Mister Poetry Man
• Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmmmmm
• Monday Morning Smile
• Monkey, Monkey
• Monster Munch
• Mr Elastic
• Mr Onomatopoeia
• Mr Potato Head
• Mr Shoutyteacher
• Mr Teacher is Our Teacher
• Mud
• Mum and Dad are Kissing Again
• Mum's Imaginary Menagerie
• Mum's Got a Baby Growing Inside Her
• My Anteater
• My Armadillo Pillow
• My Carpet Spot
• My Chewy, Chewy, Chewing Gum
• My Computer Died Last Night
• My Computer is Taking Me Over
• My Dad Can't Rap
• My Dad Thinks He’s Cool
• My Friend Tummy Ache
• My Girlfriend is a Witch
• My Little Oyster Card
• My Me Only Zone
• My Moany Neighbour
• My Mummy is a Mummy
• My Nan Rides a Motorbike
• My Pen
• My Pet Bogey
• My Secret Chocolate Stash
• My Sister’s Turned into a VAMPIRE
• My Smelly Socks
• My Superpower
• My Teacher’s Got Eyes in the Back of Her Head
• Names
• National Hug A Zombie Day*
• Never Eat a Whole Elephant Sandwich
• Night
• Nosepicker
• Nothing
• Odd Socks
• Ode to PVA Glue
• OJ OJ
• Old People
• Old Superman
• OMG!...
• One
• One Ate
• Onomatoheroes
• Orangutang, atang, atang, atang, atang, atang
• Orange Man
• Orange Octopus
• Our Fridge Door
• Our Teacher is a Caveman
• Oxygen
• Padlock the Fridge
• Pillar Box Pete
• Pizza Delivery Man
• Pleeeeeeeease Mow the Lawn Dad
• Pooped
• Postcard
• Prehistoric Poem
• Professor Bad
• Proper Shoes
• Puddles
• Queen Kong
• Ratcatcher
• Repetition!
• Robot Teacher, 3014
•  roken Alpha et
• Russell the Brussels Sprout
• Sadness
• Scared of the Dark
• School Uniform
• Shine
• Shoelaces
• Short & Sweet
• Skeleton in the Cupboard
• Sleeping Standing Up
• SSSSNAP! Mr Shark
• Snorzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
• So Slow Sloth
• SOAP!
• Somebody Stole My Powers
• Something Down the Plughole
• Sorry!
• Spellchecker
• Spider-Man!
• Splat!
• Stickman
• Stop Fiddling!
• Supermum
• Superstitions
• Super Senior
• Talk in Assembly
• Tarantula Down the Toilet
• Tarzan
• Tattooed Trevor
• Teacher's Pet
• Terrific Tot
• Terrorise My Babysitter
• The Acrostic
• The Blue-Footed Booby Bird
• The Builders' Bum Rap
• The Day My Underwear Went BOOM!
• The Dog Ate My Homework
• The Fart Police
• The Incredible Hulk
• The Last Poem
• The Last Telephone Box
• The Medical Room
• The Metal Man
• The Naughty Chair
• The Noisiest Class
• The Poet Tree
• The Shape of Rainbows
• The Supervillain's View
• The Technology Blues
• The Ultimate Superhero
• The Vacuum Cleaner's Out of Control
• The World's Worst Toilet
• The Worry Box
• The Worst Poem Ever
• The Wrong Side of the Bed
• The Yak from Iraq
• The Yuck Truck
• There's a Dead Baked Bean in My Microwave
• There's a Sandwich in My Lunchbox
• There’s a Monster Locked inside Me
• There’s a SSSSSSnake in My Shoe
• There's No Such Thing as a Wazzock
• There’s Nothing Like a GOAL!
• Things Cows Can't Do
• Tom's Aunt is a Hippie
• Too Many Superheroes
• Tornado Tortoise
• TV Cop
• Two-in-One Animals
• Umbrella
• Uncle Jim’s an Elvis Impersonator
• Underneath the Mask
• Waiting for the Bus
• W.A.S.P.
• We Want the Quagga!
• Werewolf!
• Wet Play
• What Do You Do When There's Nothing to Do?
• What to Wear?
• When I am Prime Minister
• When the Bell Goes
• When the Muse Comes a-Knocking
• Which Witch?
• Who Stole the Jam from My Doughnut
• Who Stuck Glue?
• Won't You be My Wonder Woman?
• Woolly Hat
• Worms
• Yesterday My Head Exploded
• Yoga Mum
• You Can't Take a Goldfish for a Walk
• Zebra Crossing
• Zooteacher

Older Secondary and Adult

• 10 Things I Hate About Winter
• A Bath with My Dog
• A Poem Yoda About
• After You're Dead
• Air Guitar Star
• All I want for Christmas is some Velcro
• Anna IKEA
• Annoying Habits
• Bake Off
• Blood
• Blue
• Bully
• But I'm Still Gonna Date Cheryl Cole
• Chingford, E4
• Choose Your T-Shirt
• Clark Kent
• Clone of You
• Coffee
• Corned Beef
• Credit Card
• Daddy Darth
• Dear Grim Reaper…
• Dentist I Love You
• dmpd by txt
• Economic Forecast
• Elephant in the Room
• Football Widow
• Friend
• Give Him a Ball
• Gobbledegook
• Good Morning
• Google It
• Grey
• I Can Rap
• I Miss You
• I Should Have Listened to the Rumours
• I Wanna Marry You Mary Jane
• I Want a Better Bottom Than Beyonce
• I Want to Murder My Dentist
• I was Scared of Gary Numan
• I'm in Love with My Front Lawn
• If…I Was French
• In the (Semi-) Final Analysis
• I’m a Slob
• Just Do It!
• Lost Letters
• Love Britain
• Malcolm X
• Me and City
• Me and My Amoeba
• Me and Vincent Van Gogh
• Metaphor for My Life
• My Mate Gordon
• My Mobile Phone
• Nice?
• Obesity Explosion
• Onesie
• Orange
• People Who Annoy Me on the Tube
• Planet Tesco
• Poetry Dad
• Poetry is a State of Mind
• Poetry Perfected
• Red
• Red Herring
• Remember
• Resolutions
• Rubbish Robin
• Saturday Dad
• Say it with Flowers
• Scrabble on Sunday
• She Said
• Signs
• Sixty Seconds
• Snap, Crackle, Pop
• Snow, Snow, Snow
• Spare Tyre
• Staffytown
• Sunday
• Sunday Jumper
• Surprises
• Tate Modern
• Tattoo
• Tea
• The After Xmas Poem
• The Eyes Have It
• The Fastest Poem Ever Written
• The Hairy Poem
• The Primark T-Shirt Rap
• The Shower Rap
• The ‘olland and Barrett Security Guard
• Tiny Bits
• Tissue
• To Each His Own
• Txt with U
• White Van Man
• Why Can’t I Cook Like Delia Smith?
• Wikipedia
• Words
• X
• You Can't Beat a Fry Up
• You Can't Cuddle Up With A Kindle
• You Know You're Losing It