My Poems

A small sample of my poems is below. Please click the link to read them and rest assured that I will always perform poems suited to my audience.

Primary and Young Secondary

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• A Bit Famous

• A Wookiee is Not Just for Christmas

• A Word in Your Ear

• AHHHH...CHOOOO!

• An Alien Lives at Number 42

• An Amazing Alliterative Incredible Insect Invasion

• Andrew’s Scariest Scab

• Angry Shopping Trolley

• Animal Scramble

• Animals Can't Write Poetry

• ARACHNOPHOBIA!

• Art

• Ba nana nana nana nana nana nana nana nana nana nana nana nana nana

• Babytalk

• Bad Morning!

• Bad Smells

• Bath Time

• Bats! Bats! Bats!

• Bedtime!

• “Beware of the Dog!”

• Beware the Pamplemousse!

• Big Sister's in the Bathroom

• Birthday Present

• Black Holes

• Blah! Blah! Blah!

• Bogey

• BOIIIING!

• Bolognese Baby

• Bookworm, Bookworm

• Born a Cartoon

• Bored Superhero

• Bounce

• Brainfreeeeeeeeze

• Brian the Brain

• Bubbles

• Bubblewrap

• Bungee Jumping Grandad

• Can’t

• Cape & Tights & Pants

• Captain Polystyrene

• Caterpillar, Caterpillar

• Catch the Flea!

• Charlie the Chipetarian

• Chef's Revenge

• Chemistry Set

• Chicken in the Kitchen

• Circle

• Claude le Croissant

• Computer Bug

• Cool Addiction

• Crazy Old Uncle

• Custard Man

• Dad's Fallen in Love with the Sat Nav

• Dad's Chair

• Dangerous Fruit

• Dave's Dad's Eating Dog Food for Dinner

• Delaying Tactics

• Detention Rap

• Discombobulated

• Dissimiles

• Dizzy

• DON'T

• Don't Annoy That Monster

• Don't Drink Out the Drain

• Don''t Eat the Animals

• Don't Forget Your Toothbrush!

• Don’t Pick on Giraffes

• Don't Scrape the Knife on Your Plate

• Don’t Step on the Cracks

• Down the Side of the Sofa

• Eat a Peanut

• ‘ees

• Everyone Loves a Cliffhanger

• Failed Kamikaze

• Father After Christmas

• Fearless

• Feet

• Fire Alarm

• Flies

• Fluff

• Food Bed

• Football Fan

• Foul Play

• Frankenstein's Monster Lives

• Free Time

• Friday is Chip Day

• Fright!

• From Parliament Hill

• Gadget Man

• Good Morning!

• Gorilla Ballerina

• Grab a Book

• Grandad Drives a Tank

• Grandad’s Bald Patch

• Gravity

• Greedy Sweet Shop Owner

• Guinness World Records

• Gutted

• H2O

• Hair of the Dog

• Hands

• Haunted House

• Have a Laugh

• Headmistress Cane

• He’s a P.I.G

• Here Comes Sister Speed!

• Here Comes the Wind

• Hide-and-Hippo

• Hiiiiii-ku!

• Holes

• HOMEWORK!

• Hop! Hop! Hop!

• HOT!

• Hot Chocolate

• Hot Stuff

• How Many Sleeps?

• How to Spot a Horse

• Hurricane Neal

• Hyeeeeeenas

• I Can't Cope with Maths

• I Can’t Wait Till I’m 10

• I Don’t Like Ssssssnakes

• I Dreamt I was a Baby Again

• I Found the Loch Ness Monster

• I Hate Football!

• I Heard all the Dinosaurs ROOOOOOAAAAAAR!

• I Like to Brush My Teeth

• I Live in a Bin

• I Lost My Shadow

• I Love My Dad's Boots

• I Love My Teddy Bear

• I Swallowed a Whale

• I Want to Be a Clown

• I Wish I was a Sumo Wrestler

• I Won't Eat Snails

• I Write

• Ice Cream Man

• If I was a Spy

• In My Head

• Inside Grandad's Shed

• Interstellar Mum

• Invisible Dog

• Iron Man’s Gone Rusty

• Itch

• Itching Chicken

• I'm a Bee

• I’m a Chocoholic

• I’m a Lollipop Man

• I'm a Poet

• I'm a Skunk

• I’m a Spare Spare Rib

• I'm a Tree

• I’m an Ant

• I'm an Electric Eel

• I’m Going out with the Invisible Woman

• I'm Not Michael Rosen

• I'm Not Superman

• I'm Not Too Old to Own a Teddy Bear

• I’m the Letter Z

• It's a Dogs' World

• It's Got to Be a Pea

• It's Not Fine to Sit on a Porcupine

• It’s Okay

• It's Pants

• I’ve Fallen in Love with a Dalek

• Jam

• Jellyfish

• Jellyphant

• Join the Queue

• Jungle Gym

• Just SSSSSSNIFF!

• Just Walk

• Kangaroo Can

• Karate Chicken

• Kids Love Ketchup

• Killer Dog

• Knees

• L Plates

• Legomaniac

• Lexicon of Leisure

• Life is Better with a Cake

• Liger

• Lightning Bolt

• Lists

• London Bus

• LOUD

• Luminous Yellow Banana Medicine

• Lurgy

• Magic Rubber

• Magnetic Me

• Making a Mess

• Mammoth on the Underground

• Marry My Teacher

• Martian Kids

• Matter and Antimatter

• Match of the Day

• Me and MirrorMe

• Mega Slug

• Micro-Girl

• Mind the Gap

• Minotaur in My Minestrone Soup

• Miss, Can I Go to the Toilet Please?

• Mister Poetry Man

• Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmmmmm

• Monday Morning Smile

• Monkey, Monkey

• Monster Munch

• Moon Landing Worries

• Mr Elastic

• Mr Onomatopoeia

• Mr Potato Head

• Mr Shoutyteacher

• Mr Teacher is Our Teacher

• Mud

• Mum and Dad are Kissing Again

• Mum's Imaginary Menagerie

• Mum's Got a Baby Growing Inside Her

• My Anglepoise Lamp

• My Anteater

• My Armadillo Pillow

• My Carpet Spot

• My Chewy, Chewy, Chewing Gum

• My Computer Died Last Night

• My Computer is Taking Me Over

• My Dad Can't Rap

• My Dad Thinks He’s Cool

• My Friend Tummy Ache

• My Girlfriend is a Witch

• My Little Oyster Card

• My Me Only Zone

• My Moany Neighbour

• My Mummy is a Mummy

• My Nan Rides a Motorbike

• My Pen

• My Pet Bogey

• My Secret Chocolate Stash

• My Sister’s Turned into a VAMPIRE

• My Smelly Socks

• My Superpower

• My Teacher’s Got Eyes in the Back of Her Head

• Names

• National Hug A Zombie Day

• Never Eat a Whole Elephant Sandwich

• Never Run Out of Rhymes

• New Bottom

• Night

• Night Night

• Nosepicker

• Nothing

• Not a Vampire

• Odd Socks

• Ode to PVA Glue

• OJ OJ

• Old People

• Old Superman

• OMG!...

• One

• One Ate

• Onomatoheroes

• Orangutang, atang, atang, atang, atang, atang

• Orange Man

• Orange Octopus

• Our Fridge Door

• Our Teacher is a Caveman

• Oxygen

• Padlock the Fridge

• Part-Time Superhero

• …perfectly

• Pillar Box Pete

• Pizza Delivery Man

• Pleeeeeeeease Mow the Lawn Dad

• Poetry Parrot

• Pooped

• Postcard

• Prehistoric Poem

• Professor Bad

• Proper Shoes

• Puddles

• Queen Kong

• Ratcatcher

• Repetition!

• Robot Teacher, 3014

• roken Alpha et

• Russell the Brussels Sprout

• Sadness

• Scared of the Dark

• School Uniform

• Shine

• Shoelaces

• Short & Sweet

• Skeleton in the Cupboard

• Sleeping Standing Up

• SSSSNAP! Mr Shark

• Snorzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

• So Slow Sloth

• SOAP!

• Somebody Stole My Powers

• Something Down the Plughole

• Sorry!

• Spellchecker

• Spider-Man!

• Splat!

• Stickman

• Stop Fiddling!

• Supermum

• Superstitions

• Super Senior

• Talk in Assembly

• Tarantula Down the Toilet

• Tarzan

• Tattooed Trevor

• Teacher's Pet

• Terrific Tot

• Terrorise My Babysitter

• The Acrostic

• The Blue-Footed Booby Bird

• The Builders' Bum Rap

• The Day My Underwear Went BOOM!

• The Dog Ate My Homework

• The Fart Police

• The Geography Exam

• The Incredible Hulk

• The Last Poem

• The Last Telephone Box

• The Medical Room

• The Metal Man

• The Naughty Chair

• The Noisiest Class

• The Poet Tree

• The Seriously Scary Poem

• The Shape of Rainbows

• The Stegosaurus Saw Us

• The Supervillain's View

• The Technology Blues

• The Ultimate Superhero

• The Vacuum Cleaner's Out of Control

• The World’s Wickedest Dentist

• The World's Worst Toilet

• The Worry Box

• The Worst Poem Ever

• The Wrong Side of the Bed

• The Yak from Iraq

• The Yuck Truck

• There's a Dead Baked Bean in My Microwave

• There's a Sandwich in My Lunchbox

• There’s a Monster Locked inside Me

• There’s a SSSSSSnake in My Shoe

• There’s No Cheese on the Moon

• There's No Such Thing as a Wazzock

• There’s Nothing Like a GOAL!

• Things Cows Can't Do

• Tom's Aunt is a Hippie

• Too Many Superheroes

• Tornado Tortoise

• Turning the Tables

• TV Cop

• Two Mums

• Two-in-One Animals

• Tyrannosaurus Came to Tea

• Umbrella

• Uncle Jim’s an Elvis Impersonator

• Underneath the Mask

• Verse Aversion

• Waiting for the Bus

• Warpaint!

• W.A.S.P.

• We Want the Quagga!

• Werewolf!

• Wet Play

• What Do You Do When There's Nothing to Do?

• What to Wear?

• When I am Prime Minister

• When Dad Turns into the Incredible Hulk

• When the Bell Goes

• When the Muse Comes a-Knocking

• Which Witch?

• Who Stole the Jam from My Doughnut

• Who Stuck Glue?

• Won't You be My Wonder Woman?

• Woolly Hat

• Worms

• Yesterday My Head Exploded

• Yoga Mum

• You Can't Take a Goldfish for a Walk

• Zebra Crossing

• Zooteacher

• 0 out of 12

• ????????????????

Older Secondary and Adult

• 10 Things I Hate About Winter

• A Bath with My Dog

• A Poem Yoda About

• After You're Dead

• Air Guitar Star

• All I want for Christmas is some Velcro

• Anna IKEA

• Annoying Habits

• Bake Off

• Blood

• Blue

• Buckets

• Bully

• But I'm Still Gonna Date Cheryl Cole

• Carbon Footprint

• Chingford, E4

• Choose Your T-Shirt

• Clark Kent

• Clone of You

• Coffee

• Corned Beef

• Credit Card

• Daddy Darth

• Dear Grim Reaper…

• Dentist I Love You

• dmpd by txt

• Economic Forecast

• Elephant in the Room

• Football Widow

• Friend

• Give Him a Ball

• Gobbledegook

• Google It

• Grey

• I Can Rap

• I Miss You

• I Should Have Listened to the Rumours

• I Wanna Marry You Mary Jane

• I Want a Better Bottom Than Beyonce

• I Want to Murder My Dentist

• I was Scared of Gary Numan

• I'm in Love with My Front Lawn

• If…I Was French

• In the (Semi-) Final Analysis

• I’m a Slob

• Just Do It!

• Limerick, Limerick, Limerick

• Limerick, Poem, Verse, Rhyme, Ode

• Lost Letters

• Love Britain

• Malcolm X

• Me and City

• Me and My Amoeba

• Me and Vincent Van Gogh

• Metaphor for My Life

• My Mate Gordon

• My Mobile Phone

• Nice?

• Obesity Explosion

• Onesie

• Orange

• People Who Annoy Me on the Tube

• Planet Tesco

• Poetry Dad

• Poetry is a State of Mind

• Poetry Perfected

• Red

• Red Herring

• Remember

• Resolutions

• Rubbish Robin

• Saturday Dad

• Say it with Flowers

• Scrabble on Sunday

• She Said

• Signs

• Sixty Seconds

• Snap, Crackle, Pop

• Snow, Snow, Snow

• Spare Tyre

• Staffytown

• Sunburn

• Sunday

• Sunday Jumper

• Surprises

• Tate Modern

• Tattoo

• Tea

• The After Xmas Poem

• The Eyes Have It

• The Fastest Poem Ever Written

• The Hairy Poem

• The Primark T-Shirt Rap

• The Shower Rap

• The ‘olland and Barrett Security Guard

• Tiny Bits

• Tissue

• To Each His Own

• Truth

• White Van Man

• Why Can’t I Cook Like Delia Smith?

• Wikipedia

• Womanifesto

• Words

• X

• You Can't Beat a Fry Up

• You Can't Cuddle Up With A Kindle

• You Know You're Losing It

• Zero