Poverty's no more
All the wars have ended
Homework has been banned
Enemies befriended
Hunger's in the past
Homelessness has vanished
Smile and laugh and whoop!
Sadness is now banished
Every child receives
Free toys, sweets and ice cream
Till my teacher shouts
“Hey – snap out your Daydream!”
Catherine of Aragon: Messy divorce
Anne Boleyn: Beheaded of course
Jane Seymour: Prematurely passed
Anne of Cleves: Divorced – real fast
Catherine Howard: Another execution
But Catherine Parr: Perfect solution!*
(*Henry VIII died while they were still married)
I was the king
Of all dinosaurs
With a ground-shaking stomp
And an ear-bursting roar
Big bulky body
Two mighty legs
Terrifying teeth
Gigantic head
Enormous feet
Sharp slashing claws
Long swishing tail
Super-strong jaw
Yet as Earth's fiercest creature
I now sit and think
How? How? How?
Did I become extinct?
I'm a mean mud monster
Swimming in the swamp
I'm a mean mud monster
Squelch! Squish! Stomp!
I'm a mean mud monster
Sucking up the muck
I'm a mean mud monster
Belch! Burp! Yuck!
I'm a mean mud monster
Smelly like blue cheese
I'm a mean mud monster
Sniff! Snort! Wheeze!
I'm a mean mud monster
Eating cars for lunch
I'm a mean mud monster
Crash! Clang! Crunch!
I'm a mean mud monster
Oozing orange blood
I'm a mean mud monster
And I love MUD!
MUD!
MUD!
I met a herd of elephants
With bright white shiny tusks
I asked if I could borrow them
They grumbled, ‘If you must”
I piled them high around me
So for the last half-hour
I’ve been sitting here alone
In my ivory tower
Life is like a TV remote control
Press PLAY: to be born
FORWARD: to grow and develop
INFO: to begin your education
MENU: for breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks
VOLUME (UP): to express excitement, anger etc
VOLUME (DOWN): for peace and quiet
PAUSE: for sleep, weekends and holidays
CHANNELS: to make any major decisions
REWIND: to activate your memory
And finally, STOP: when you sadly complete life's journey
But, if you've previously pressed RECORD
Everyone can remember you fondly after you're gone
(Note: SUBTITLES have been ON throughout this poem
Bake it by the kilo
Boil it by the tonne
Super dooper sticky
More than bubblegum
Eat it for your dinner
So yummy to digest
Cos everybody knows that
SLIME IS BEST!
Pour it in a bucket
Tip it in a cup
Stir it with a broomstick
Drink the last drop up
Great as burger relish
Or on fried chicken breast
Cos everybody knows that
SLIME IS BEST!
Glowing in the darkness
Luminous and green
Watch a horror movie
It's bound to be seen
Gargle with it daily
To guarantee fresh breath
Cos everybody knows that
SLIME IS BEST!
Store it in a sewer
In a rusty tin
Going trick or treating?
Smear it on your skin
Though some say it's disgusting
I love its gooey mess
Cos everybody knows that
SLIME IS BEST!
Space is…
Longer than all the chewing gum that’s ever been made, stretched out in a single line
Taller than Earth’s entire giraffe population, stacked on top of one and other
Quieter than tomb of the the ancient Egyptian pharaoh, King Tutankhamun
More magical than the seven Harry Potter books added together
Full of virtually nothing but deep, dark black emptiness
But that’s why it’s called ‘space’ I guess
And I can’t wait to explore it in my rocket
5!...
4!...
3!...
2!...
1!...
I love weeds
The garden rebels
Unfettered, untethered
Wildly winding wending pathways
Through formations of flowers
Standing as unimaginatively as soldiers on parade
Weeds are rule-breakers
Asserting their independence
Going where they choose to go
Growing where they want to grow
So don't pull them up
But instead, appreciate and admire them
For their originality
Their beauty
And their freedom
Weeds are like my kind of people
I love weeds
It’s kick off at the tournament
I’m writing down the scores
Will England beat Brazil and Spain?
Will France win, lose or draw?
I’ve memorised the stars, the squads
Watch all the games they play
Then complete my World Cup Wall Chart
At the end of every day
You’ll find it in my bedroom
Just above my books and desk
Once glance and you can see with ease
Who is performing best
I’m listing leading scorers
Learn the countries by their kits
Want some World Cup information?
Well my Wall Chart’s full of it
It’s showing me statistics
Football figures, football facts
A ‘what you need to know guide’
About every single match
Come view my World Cup Wall Chart
I so love to pin it up
And dare to dream my favourite team
Will lift that golden cup
The cover is its face
The blurb, its welcoming hand inviting me in
The index, its memory
Each chapter, a new limb
All 300 pages, its body
The ink, its blood
The spine, is its spine (of course!), holding everything together
And the story within
Is both its heart and soul
There is no better fun
In the sizzling sun
Than to drink a cold slushy
While the cool colours run
As the fruity ice melts
All around your mouth
Till your tongue is bright blue
And you poke it right out
It's the smile on your face
It's the curls in your hair
It's the spark in your eye
It's the clothes that you wear
It's the food that you eat
It's the room where you sleep
It's the games that you play
It's the friends that you keep
It's the songs that you love
It's the books that you read
It's the dreams that you have
All your wants and your needs
It's words that you speak
It's the things that you do
So why be someone else?
Just be you
As a child
I was always asking myself
What’s the scariest part of a storm?
The flickering flashing lightning...
or the rumbling roaring thunder?
Until I realised
What frightened me the most
Was the uncertainty of the gap
Between the two
I'm the fly on the wall
You won't notice me at all
While I watch you from a distance, from afar
Unseen expert infiltrator
Skilful, silent, still spectator
More an extra than a major movie star
Like those famed master spies
I will track you with my eyes
Cos participation's really not my thing
As a solitary creature
In a crowd I'll seldom feature
Insignificant and small behind the scenes
I'm the one you won't find
Out of sight and out of mind
Just observing is what I am built to do
Tiny insect with a mission
To keep others in my vision
I'm the fly upon the wall looking at you
But now I've been offered alternative employment
So I'm taking the job...
As the fly in the ointment!
My train of thought
Rolls along the track
It might turn into sidings
And never come back
It might hurtle round in circles
For far too long
Or stay stuck at a signal
Instead of moving on
It might whizz by so fast
I can’t catch it at all
I'll need another route
If it slows down to a crawl
But my favourite journey
Is when its throttle's fully flowing
Starting: Station Inspiration
Ending: Station Poem
I'm hopeless playing football
At cricket even worse
When racing round the running track
My lungs feel fit to burst
At rounders see me flounder
I'm bound to score a nought
I'll never hold Olympic gold
I'm just not good at sport
The gym's a total nightmare
A swimming pool's no fun
I much prefer to watch TV
Or eat a sticky bun
I'm terrible at tennis
(That's hard court, clay or grass)
At physical activity
I'm bottom of the class
A climbing wall's too scary
The high jump ain't my thing
Legs turn to lead on trampolines
Can't face a boxing ring
So uncoordinated
My teachers all agree
I'm best at maths and science tests
But rubbish at P.E.
Elbows are hard
Sharp and pointy
Elbows are bony
Bendy and jointy
Use elbow grease when things won't budge
More power to your elbow
Nudge, nudge, nudge!
I could have been there but I'm not
I would have been there but forgot
Let's rearrange the date
...I'm late!
So call me tardy, call me slow
It seems I 'stop' instead of 'go'
I can't accelerate
...I'm late!
My life is littered with delays
I get held up, caught in a daze
I simply stagnate
...I'm late!
I'm sorry to do this to you
The bus and train were overdue
What phrase makes you irate?
...I'm late!
I didn't check my diary
'On time' fails to inspire me
Again you'll have to wait
...and wait..
...and wait..
..and wait..
..and wait..
...I'm late!
I saw a daddy longlegs creeping 'cross a wall
I saw a daddy longlegs gliding down the hall
I saw a daddy longlegs lurking by your bed
I saw a daddy longlegs upside-down, quite dead
I saw a daddy longlegs running round the sink
I saw a daddy longlegs drowning in my drink
I saw a daddy longlegs crawling through a crack
I saw a daddy longlegs ready to attack
I saw a daddy longlegs underneath a rock
I saw a daddy longlegs chewing someone's sock
I saw a daddy longlegs sitting on the stair
But I've never seen a mummy longlegs anywhere!