Headmaster Cane

Headmaster Cane
That’s my name
I don’t want to see YOU in my office again
I’ve a slipper a stick and a ball and a chain
The scariest Head you’ve ever seen
I rule my school like a tyrannical king
Keep in line all the time
Then you won’t feel a thing
But behave badly
Then sadly
I will ‘cause you great pain
I am Headmaster Cane
I expect perfect behaviour 24/7
Each pupil must act like an angel from heaven
Not a word out of place
Not a word when I’m talking
Not a word disobeyed
I don’t want running but walking
In my corridors
And if you’re impolite
Or push, shout or fight
Then I guarantee that you’ll be tamed
By me, Headmaster Cane

I’ve a dungeon below my office for the most unsavoury pupils
Mess with me and your school days won’t be very fruitful
But full of misery, grief and punishment too
And a whole week’s detention spent locked in my loo
I might even throw away the key
And if you’re the person who let off that stink bomb in chemistry
You’ll do fifty laps of the field in the snow and the rain
I am Headmaster Cane
And even my teachers
Are endangered creatures
‘Cause my staff
Must not laugh
Just do work and hard graft
Don’t you tremble at the sight of me?
Have nightmares every night through me?
Or I’ll see you after 3.30pm
I’m even worse than your school dinners
I’m one of those men
Who’ll give you lines before you can count up to ten
In my lessons you’ll sweat and you’ll strain
I am Headmaster Cane
Some say I’m the Devil
Some say I’m a dictator
If you’re naughty
You’ll be caught be me sooner rather than later
I’ll mash you up more than a mashed up mashed potato
‘Cause even OFSTED inspectors bow down to me
When I give them a scowl and a frown you’ll see
Why my school always gets an excellent grade
So be fearful and frightened and fully afraid
Or I’ll give you so much horrid homework to do
You not be able to breathe till 2022
I hope that I’ve made myself plain
I am Headmaster Cane