Headmistress Cane

Headmistress Cane is my name
I don’t want to see YOU in my office again
I’ve a slipper, a stick, a ball and a chain
The scariest Head that you’ve ever seen
I rule my school like a tyrannical queen
Keep in line all the time
And you won’t feel a thing
But behave badly
Then sadly
I'll cause you great pain
I am Headmistress Cane

I expect perfect behaviour 24/7
Each child must act like an angel from heaven
Not a word out of place
Not a word when I’m talking
Not a word disobeyed
No running, only walking
In my corridors
And if you’re impolite
Or push, shout or fight
I guarantee that you’ll be tamed
By me, Headmistress Cane

I’ve a dungeon below my office for the most unsavoury pupils
Mess with me and your days won’t be very fruitful
But full of misery, grief and punishment too
And a whole week’s detention spent locked in my loo
I might even throw away the key
And if you’re the person who threw that stink bomb in chemistry
You’ll run fifty laps of the field in the snow and the rain
I am Headmistress Cane

And even my teachers
Are endangered creatures
As my staff
Must not laugh
While they work and they graft
Don’t you tremble at the sight of me?
Have nightmares every night through me?
Sit up straight in my assembly!
Or I’ll see you at 3.30pm
To give you lines before you can count up to ten
In my lessons you’ll sweat and you’ll strain
I am Headmistress Cane

Some call me “devil”
Some call me “dictator”
If you’re naughty you’ll be caught be me sooner rather than later
I’ll mash you up more than a mashed up mashed potato
‘Cause even school inspectors bow down to me
When I give them a scowl and a frown you’ll see
Why my school always gets an excellent grade
So be fearful and frightened and fully afraid
Or I’ll give you so much horrid homework to do
You not be able to breathe for the next year or two
I hope that I’ve made myself plain
I am Headmistress Cane