People Who Annoy Me on the Tube

People who annoy me on the tube are:
People who stare
People who swear
People who dodge their fare
People who have obviously soiled their underwear
People with rucksacks
On their backs
People eating smelly snacks
Jumpers splattered on the tracks
People who delay trains by having heart attacks
People who are rude, crude or dressed semi-nude
People with bad attitude
People who insist on saying “London Underground” instead of “the tube”
People who don’t apologise for treading on your toe
People who walk along the platform – SLOW!
And those who suddenly stop
The never-there-when-you-need-‘em Transport Cops
People crunching bags of crisps
People into mugging and robbing
Couples (or more) into groping or snogging
Or even dogging
People who use chairs for their feet
People who take up more than one seat
People who look like serial rapers
People who won’t pass on free newspapers
People who have had too much to drink
People with a B.O. stink
People who look like the missing link
People who don’t think
To give up their place to a pregnant woman although she’s on the brink
People who carry all their belongings including the kitchen sink
People who don’t know their Hampstead from their Harlesden
People who board the Docklands Light Railway and say
“Where’s the driver then?”
People who think the Emirates Stadium stop is Arsenal
People whose forgotten shopping becomes a suspicious parcel
Children who nag, nag, nag
People smoking fags
People with `I Love NY’ hats, t-shirts and bags
People reading misogynistic lad mags
People who refuse to smile
People who should clearly be on trial
People farting
People who get their head stuck in closing doors before departing
People snoring and slobbering ‘cause they’re asleep
People laying in their own puke on the floor in a crumpled heap
People coughing, spluttering, wheezing and sneezing – but NOT in their hand
People who just have to stand
Even though there’s a free seat
People wearing open sandals with corns and calluses on their feet
People who sweat profusely in the heat
People who shove
Who fight
Who scream
Who kick
Who fuss
People who vow next time to walk or take the bus
People playing loud music on their headphones
Religious fundamentalists who won’t leave you alone
People with ridiculous attention-seeking ring tones
People who cuss their mum
People sticking chewing gum
People who surreptitiously scratch their bum
People who hum and hum and hum and hum and hum
And bloody buskers who can’t even sing or strum
Do you know which people annoy me the most and are the least cool?
It’s the people who can’t tolerate anyone else on the tube
At all