I Want to Murder My Dentist

I want to murder my dentist
For every time she’s hammered in my head
For every nerve ending that she’s left for dead
For every teeny weeny piece of hurt
For every ruined blood-stained shirt
For every excruciating bit of root canal work
For every sharp metal clamp jammed into my tooth
For every `you won’t feel a thing’ violation of the truth
I want to get my own back
For her orthodontic attack
Wedge open her jaw and drill her
Inflict pain on her and kill her
I want to murder my dentist
For all her bland and banal one-way conversation
For every can’t-eat-for-three-hours numbing sensation
For her putrid purple water she makes me sip
For the spotlight she shines in my face that replicates an acid trip
For carelessly cutting my bottom lip
I want my aggression to unload
Give her what she’s owed
And grab her teeth
And gouge and grind them
And scratch and scrape them
And pull and pick them
And rob and rape them
I want to murder my dentist
For every carcinogenic x-ray
For every penny of the few million quid I’ve had to pay
Over the years
For making me confront my deepest fears
For inflicting the totally rubbish music of Magic FM on my ears
For every needle
For every injection
For the creepy rubber gloves she wears for protection
For every secondary oral infection
That’s necessitated a course of penicillin
For every single cap, bridge, denture and filling
I want to murder my dentist
For every tasty chocolate bar that she’s warned me not to eat
For every time I’ve swallowed my tongue through reclining too far in her seat
For every time she’s made me slur my speech
And dribble down my chest
For every second spent in her waiting room reading ten-year old copies of the Reader’s Digest
For wearing that scary mask and turning my sweetest dream to a nightmare
For making me frequently soil my underwear
For making me floss every night and day
For making my hair fall out and turn prematurely grey
For taking my dignity away
For every molar and incisor that she’s extracted
For every horror movie scene that she’s re-enacted
For every hostile action perpetrated
For every wince, whine and scream I’ve generated
I want to murder my dentist
I’ll get her in the end
‘Cause though she’s full of smiles
I know all the while
They’re only pretend
So I’m going to murder my dentist
Then instead of tasting antiseptic in my mouth…
I’ll taste the sweet taste of revenge