So I was there
At the Sugababes’ audition
Thinking my singing voice was in tip-top condition
As I performed a wicked harmony
On Push the Button
Ugly
And Freak Like Me

So why did I feel un-ease-ee?
A sense of inferiority
Washed over me

‘Cause I had all the right clothes
All the right moves
Make up
A blonde wig
All the right grooves
And a pair of swanky high-heeled glittery shoes
Now I’m not cross-dresser
But is there anything you wouldn’t do
To make your dream come true?
Yes - I was happy to misbehave
If it meant I could be the 4th Sugababe

It could have been so much more than just my fifteen minutes of fame
It was what I was built for
My raison d’etre
Becoming the 4th Sugababe
Brit Awards, money, groupies, world-wide recognition etcetera
People asking for my autograph saying “Neal we’re glad we met ya”

So I was there with the Babes
Just the four of us
Me, Keisha, Heidi
And the other one who’s pretty…
Anonymous
Then the bombshell dropped
With a giant p-lop
My heartbeat s-topped
As Heidi said
“Look – the thing is Neal
What we feel is
Though it’s been a difficult decision
It’s a Sugababes tradition
To admit only girls into the band
You are kinda cute
A fab vocalist to boot
But the thing is YOU’RE A MAN
So I hope you understand
That you just wouldn’t suit”
Well!
Clutching straws I looked over at Keisha
Who alas agreed with Heidi and solemnly nodded
Then the other one (whose name I still didn’t know) did the same
After she was prodded

I wanted to scream “foul”
Cry “sexual discrimination”
And being Jewish as well look at anti-racist legislation
But bitterness can drag you down
And I thought I’d get a few quid on E-bay
For my stage outfit and ball-gown

In fact the Babes were great really
They said the call was tough
That they hoped I felt I hadn’t been treated too rough
As I left they gave me stickers, posters CDs and all kindsa stuff
Tickets for their next show
They said I could be an extra in their next video
(I asked Heidi for her mobile number but she told me where to go)

And if you’re wondering
How I managed to pull myself back together
Well my motto is: “never say never”
So I’m NOT gonna live my life under a cloud
Instead I’m completing my application
To be the 6th member
Of Girls Aloud