How to Spot a Horse

If it won't go wild for hay
Isn't black, brown, white or grey
And unable to go 'neigh!'
Then it's probably not a horse

If no rider's on its back
If it doesn't love to hack
Always greets you with a 'quack!'
Then it's probably not a horse

If it's loathing sugar lumps
Wants to hop instead of jump
If it's grown one or two humps
Then it's probably not a horse

If its neck's without a main
If it owns a largish brain
Parachutes from aeroplanes
Then it's probably not a horse

If it cannot trot or canter
Entertains with witty banter
Yearly pulls a sleigh for Santa
Then it's probably not a horse

If it hates to crunch raw carrots
Sports a plumage like a parrot
Works weekends at Holland & Barrett
Then it's probably not a horse

BUT
If it won't fit under your table
Is found in a field or stable
Has the word 'HORSE' written on its label
Then of course, of course, of course
It's most definitely, certainly, positively... a horse!