Jungle Gym

(We so loved the jungle gym climbing frame at school that classes had allocated days when they could use it. The first line of the poem was our boastful chant.) 

It's not your turn on the jungle gym!
Play hide-and-seek, hopscotch or go for a swim
It was your day yesterday so bear it and grin
It's not your turn on the jungle gym!

It's not your turn on the trampoline!
Choose dodgeball, bulldog or a different thing
I don't care if you tell me you're the King or Queen
It's not your turn on the trampoline!

It's not your turn on computer games!
(Yes some of us would rather use our brains)
Pick any other activity you'd care to name
It's not your turn on computer games!

It's not your turn on the football pitch!
How about snakes and ladders or pick up sticks?
Complain all you like you're not having a kick
It's not your turn on the football pitch!

It's not your turn on the tennis court!
Try rounders, run-outs or alternative sports
Or even kiss chase (though avoid being caught)
It's not your turn on the tennis court!

It's not your turn on the jungle gym!
You can shout and scream, make a deafening din
But remain where you are 'cause you're not coming in
It's not your turn on the jungle gym!

Good Morning!

Good morning Daniel
“Here Sir!”
Good morning Colette
“I'm NOT here Sir!”
Good morning Aaron
“Bonjour monsieur!”
Good morning Darshan
“Ill with chicken pox Sir!”
Good morning Fiona
“Still in Australia Sir!”
Good morning Victoria
“I am present, in attendance and ready to work extremely hard Sir!”
Good morning Heema
“Just been sick Sir!”
Good morning Rosa
“Konnichiwa Sir!”
Wake up Lena...
“Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz”
Good morning Marco
“Morning Miss!”
Good morning Joe F
“Hola, buenos días!”
Good morning Joe P
“Been kidnapped by aliens Sir!”
Good morning Precious
“Aye, aye Captain!”
Good morning Olivia
“Not back from last Christmas Sir!”
Good afternoon Rafael
“Late again Sir!”
Good morning Sid
“Yabba dabba doo Sir!”
Good morning Talia
“Aaaaaaaaaachooooooo!”
Good morning Gabby
“Thank you and I hope you have a very good morning too Sir”
Good morning Maya
“Sir morning good! Today backwards talking I'm!”
Good morning Eric
“Hello dad!”
Good morning Neal
Good morning Neal
GOOD MORNING NEAL ZETTER!
“Sorry Sir...I'm busy writing this poem about you calling the register!”

Bad Morning!

Alarm! 
Snooze button
Alarm! 
Snooze button
Alarm! 
Snooze button
Alarm! 
Snooze button
Up!

Washed!
Dressed!
Grab a cup
Gulp down my juice
Too quick to taste it
No time to eat my toast
I have to waste it

Hush!
Hush!
The family's still asleep
But me I have to rush
To catch the bus
Or the train
Or I'll receive a 'late' mark
Yet again

I pack my bag
Slip on my shoes
While half-listening to the early morning news
Put on my jacket
Straighten up my tie
5...4...3...2...1!
Out the door I fly!
Finally on my way
Running down the road in my school uniform
Till I hear a neighbour say

“Where you going Neal...
“It's Saturday?”
 

Turning the Tables

(Based on an old joke my Mum told me when I was learning my times tables)

One two is two
Two twos are four
Three twos are socks
Four twos are brains
Five twos are sheep
Six twos are ears
Seven twos are popcorn
Eight twos are teaspoons
Nine twos are fishcakes
Ten twos are beeswax
Eleven twos are handkerchieves
Twelve twos are chicken pie

“Please Sir
“I've forgotten the words...
“But I still remember the tune”

Fake News

The Great Fire of London began in McDonald's
The Battle of Hastings was fought in 1994
Queen Victoria was the first person on the Moon
It was Batman who started the Second World War

Cavemen created computer games
The Vikings drove around in cars
William Shakespeare wrote only nursery rhymes
In 1985 Earth was invaded by Mars

Elvis Presley was the third US President
Dinosaurs became extinct in 2003
Florence Nightingale invented television  
And I failed all my exams in History 

Ode to PVA Glue

PVA Glue
You've a place in my heart
You hold stuff together
That once was apart
Cardboard, felt, paper
Glitter, wood, tissue
When your pot's empty
I desperately miss you

Number one gum
You make art lessons fun
As strong as cement
You are rarely undone
Silver foil, cotton
Buttons, string, plastic
Collages, models you paste
Look fantastic 

I've tried other adhesives
They just won't do
My PVA friend
I am sticking with you

Talk in Assembly

My teacher said...

“If you talk in assembly
It's a crime you're committing
If you talk in assembly
It's a sin
Such a serious matter
Do not natter
Do not chatter
If you've words in your mouth hold them in

If you talk in assembly
You'll receive a detention
If you talk in assembly
That's not good
Close your lips like a shutter
Do not mutter
Do not utter
It's a rule that must be understood

If you talk in assembly
Then expect to be punished
If you talk in assembly
You are bad
I suggest you don't blabber
Do not jaw
And do not jabber
Or the Head will meet your mum and dad

If you talk in assembly
You will end up in trouble
If you talk in assembly
Please refrain
You've been warned, do not gabble
Do not blather
Do not babble
Now I'm not going to tell you again!”

I Can't Cope with Maths

I loathe lots of long division
At a loss with logarithms
Let me watch the television
I can't cope with maths!

Algebra's a cracking headache
Calculus is too much heartache
Counting seconds till it's lunch break
I can't cope with maths 

Never been a number cruncher
Never been a digit muncher
My brain's bursting like a puncture
I can't cope with maths! 

Sick of adding and subtraction
Fed up fiddling with fractions
Rather have my legs in traction
I can't cope with maths! 

'Pi r squared' just drives me crazy
Decimals? I'm very hazy
Call me daft or dim or lazy
I can't cope with maths! 

Why's geometry invented?
Who can calculate percentage?
My mind's battered, bruised and dented
I can't cope with maths! 

The subject is a mystery
I'm great at science and history
Achieved grade A geography
Top marks in sociology
Ten out of ten in chemistry
Though pretty good at poetry
I can't cope with maths! 

Chef's Revenge

I hate you!
Hate you! 
Hate you!
Hate you!
Want to chop and cut and grate you
Burn you up by barbecuing
Baking, boiling, steaming, stewing
Roast you for a ratatouille
You'll not beat me or outdo me

I'll toast you in a cheese ciabatta
Fry you up in melted butter
Serve you in a soup for starter
As you drown you'll hear my laughter
Taking pleasure as you die
'Cause onion...
Too many times you've made me cry*

(*So that's shallot) 

Marry My Teacher

I want to marry my teacher
Though it's against the rules
Each day she'd grant me four hours play
And make me Head Boy of the school

She'd show me every answer
To all exams I'd sit
Excuse me from my classwork
While for lunch she'd serve me extra chips

Some might say this arrangement
Would be not fair or right
But if Miss was my missus
Then I could do anything I liked

She'd let me go home early
Skip lessons that I hate
Ten tens, no naughts in my reports
At half-past nine I'd crawl in late

My punishments, detentions
I would choose to ignore
And help myself to house-points
Until nobody could beat my score

I want to marry my teacher
To have an easy life
So on my knees I'm begging
“Please Miss, promise that you'll be my wife!"

Just Walk

When your day's been a bit of a slog
Just walk
There's no need for the gym or a jog
Just walk
If you're stressed feeling tired and rough
Just walk
Stay away from the train or the bus
Just walk

Restless, bored with an hour to kill?
Just walk
Don't drive round in an automobile
Just walk
Free your shoes from the blues till they smile
Just walk
Pace the pavement for miles and miles
Just walk

Treat your feet - you'll be treating yourself
Just walk
Exercising, improving your health
Just walk
Down the street through the forest or park
Just walk
Why not plod, waddle, dawdle or march?
Just walk

Shuffle, strut, trek, trudge or meander
Locomote, lope, rove, roam, prance, pad or wander
Stroll, stride, step, saunter, lollop, lumber or amble
Promenade, tramp, traipse, tread, toddle or ramble
Just WALK!
 

Red Herring

(A 'red herring' is a misleading clue or piece of information which is or is not intended to be distracting)

You don't need me here yet here I am
Like a piece of junk mail in your trash can
A ruse to confuse your best-laid plan
I am a red herring

A spanner in the works
A fly in the ointment
Focus on me
You'll find disappointment
Neither on the fish counter
Nor swimming in the sea
I'm a wild card
Thrown in for free

Popping up when least expected
Ensuring attention's misdirected  
Sometimes considered, frequently rejected
I am a red herring

Muscling in on the action
Bamboozling you
The ultimate distraction
A random x-factor
In an equation
Gatecrashing parties
On every occasion
 
When will I next appear?
There's no way of knowing
I'm not even supposed be in this poem
Just a sly stowaway
Who's come out to play
I am a red herring

Haunted House

There are werewolves in the living room who
Howl! Howl! HOWL!
There are beasties in the bathroom hear them
Growl! Growl! GROWL!

In the graveyard lurk the zombies not quite
Dead! Dead! DEAD!
If you're passing through be careful where you
Tread! Tread TREAD!

Mummies resting in their coffins rattle
Chains! Chains! CHAINS!
In the kitchen ghosts and ghouls are baking
Brains! Brains! BRAINS! 

In the dining room a vampire's drinking
Blood! Blood! BLOOD!
Poltergeists prowl in the basement banging
Thud! Thud! THUD!

Wicked wizards in the tower weave their
Spells! Spells! SPELLS!
Evil witches mix their stinky potion  
Smells! Smells! SMELLS!

And the belfry's full of freaky flapping
Bats! Bats! BATS!
While the sewers run with scary squeaky
Rats! Rats! RATS!

Spiders hang upon the rooftop spinning
Webs! Webs! WEBS!
From the stairwell slime is dripping on your
Head! Head! HEAD!

Now a storm cloud is erupting with a
Crack! Crack! CRACK!
So I'm leaving in a hurry won't be
Back! Back! BACK!

I'm a Tree

I'm a tree
Very tall
Next to me
You' are small
I have leaves
Shoots and roots
Blossom, branches, nuts and fruit

Body's wood
Skin's of bark
Find me in
Streets and parks
Forests, fields
Jungles too
Breathing oxygen for you

Every spring
I wake up
Each summer
Watch me grow
By autumn
I'm ready for bed
In winter
Topped with snow

Birds build nests
In my hair
Squirrels dash
Everywhere
Spend my days
Planted here
Lived over a thousand years

Yes I'm a tree
Standing proud
Stretching up
To the clouds
I am cool
To have around
So please - don't ever cut me down!

TV Cop

I am law and order
I am on your side
Wear my badge with honour
Uniform with pride

On a daring mission
Putting wrongs to right
Tune your television
Every Friday night

Watch me on the box
Nine till ten o'clock
I'm a TV cop 

Keeping crooks and criminals
On the run
Dodging flying bullets
From each bad guy's gun

Drive a real police car
In a high-speed chase
48 more hours
Left to crack this case

Raise your hands! Halt! Stop!
Reliable as a rock
I'm a TV cop

Don't possess a first name
Or a family
Just an ace detective
Solving mysteries

If you're caught red-handed
Then you know the score
Lock you up in prison
Twenty years or more

Sharper than a shot
I come out on top
I'm a TV cop

I'm a TV cop
I'm a TV cop

 

Mum and Dad are Kissing Again

Mum and Dad are kissing again
I'm too embarrassed to look
Mum and Dad are kissing again
My head hides in a book

Mum and Dad are kissing again
Though all my friends are round!
Mum and Dad are kissing again
Make squishy kissy sounds

They kiss at the dinner table
They kiss watching TV
They kiss in the kitchen
They kiss on the settee

Mum and Dad are kissing again
Both puckering their lips
Mum and Dad are kissing again
I think I'm feeling sick

Mum and Dad are kissing again
As lovebirds in a cage
Mum and Dad are kissing again
I wish they'd act their age

They kiss in the street
They kiss in the shops
They kiss in the garden
They kiss around the clock

Mum and Dad are kissing again
Such passion should be banned
Mum and Dad are kissing again
Why can't they just shake hands?

Mum and Dad are kissing again
Like Hollywood movie stars
Mum and Dad are kissing again
Mwah! 
Mwah! 
Mwah!

Signs

The sign reads
"Please Leave This Toilet As You Would Wish To Find It"
So I'm thinking
I would wish to find it...

Fitted with a massive magical machine able to dispense any flavour of jelly bean I could imagine in a split second...

Smelling of the sweetest most delicate fragrance in the universe (the yaroooz flower from the remote planet Baluha)...

Covered in hundreds of priceless rubies, emeralds, sapphires and diamonds, each one larger than a giant's thumbprint...

Surrounded by sparkling soft sand from a beautiful beach on a unknown Pacific island

But
As I can't provide any of these things
When I'm done
I'll brush
Air freshen
Flush
Gently lower the seat for the ladies
Then quietly depart...

Skeleton in the Cupboard

I've a skeleton in the cupboard
Who's looking rather thin
And all alone
Composed of bone
Devoid of any skin

He dangles on a hanger
Reveals a faceless stare
It's no surprise, he has no eyes
No heart, no brain, no hair

I've a skeleton in the cupboard
He's simply known as Fred
Stuck in a pose
Not wearing clothes
And absolutely dead

A corpse is in the closet
But cut the gloom and doom
We often chat and chew the fat
From midnight until noon

I've a skeleton in the cupboard
Above my shoes and socks
Although deceased
I'm begging please
Don't notify the cops

And tell them of my secret
Because my lifeless pal
Is chilled and cool and as a rule
Is happy anyhow

Now if you think this poem's title's just a metaphor
I suggest you visit my bedroom then... 
Carefully... 
Open the cupboard door...

Terrorise My Babysitter

I terrorise my babysitter
What a horrid kid! 
Haunting her
Taunting her
I pinched her arm, run off and hid
She thinks she's smart
Then I outwit her
I terrorise the babysitter

What a nasty child!
Scratching her
Attacking her
Pretending her pet goldfish died
A little devil
Mean and bitter
I terrorise my babysitter 

What an awful mite!
Chucking chairs
Pulling hair
I let the tyres down on her bike
While threatening to kick
Or hit her
I terrorise my babysitter 

What a spiteful brat! 
Pick a fight
Try to bite
Stomp hard upon her brand new hat
I flood the floor
With glue and glitter
I terrorise my babysitter 

What a terrible tot!
Acting rude
Flicking food
Wipe both my sleeves on dripping snot
I trash my room
And scatter litter
I terrorise my babysitter
But tell me what would you do...
If your big sister babysat you?

Just SSSSSSNIFF!

If your nose is blocked
Closed and clogged and locked
You can't smell your socks
Just SSSSSSNIFF!

When the winter bites
Squeeze your nostrils tight
Then with all your might
Just SSSSSSNIFF!

Such a horrid noise
Nobody enjoys
Make your friends annoyed
Just SSSSSSNIFF!

Inhale fresher air
Past your nasal hair
Do it for a dare
Just SSSSSSNIFF!

It's a habit now
A disgusting row
Like a grunting sow
Just SSSSSSNIFF!

With your snout slammed shut
Suck that O2 up
Win the Sniffing Cup
Just SSSSSSNIFF!

It's the way to go
Though deep down you know
That it's best to blow
Just SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSNIFF!