Telescope

May 03, 2020 by Neal zetter

Everything so distant

Appears so near

Everything so far away

Now seems right here

Eternal possibilities

Such undiscovered hope

When I gaze, aghast and amazed

Through my new telescope

Everything too wondrous

For humans to explain

Everything too magical

For our minds to contain

A Universe that's infinite

A billion hows and whys

When I peer through my telescope

Beyond the nighttime skies

Everything so ancient

Yet shiny new

Everything a mystery

With too few clues

While Earth spins, insignificant

A microscopic place

When I look through my telescope

Into the void of space...

Mixing Metaphors

April 24, 2020 by Neal zetter

When the ass horsed around

The horse acted a total ass

The crow spotted them with her eagle eyes

And the eagle crowed about it all day long

While the dog-tired pig slept for hours

He didn't see the dog pigging out on his dinner (hogging it all)

The ape was such a cheeky monkey

That the monkey attempted to ape her

The duck just swanned off, unimpressed

Causing the swan to duck out of the way

Until the chicken declared “It’s time to man up!”

But the man did nothing...

Because he was far too chicken

Dentist, Where’s My Sticker?

April 16, 2020 by Neal zetter

I didn’t fidget

I didn’t move a muscle

I didn’t wriggle

Nor put up any struggle

I was brave and bold

And the nurse agrees

So dentist, where’s my sticker please?

I didn’t ‘lose it’

I wasn’t feeling frantic

I didn’t holler

Or scream aloud in panic

I was real mature

Like most grown up men

So dentist, where’s my sticker then?

I didn’t lash out

I didn’t try and bite you

I didn't hit out

Kick, punch, pinch, scratch or fight you

I was still, serene

In a tranquil state

So dentist, where’s my sticker mate?

You prodded my gums

While mauling all my molars

My heartbeat galloped

As you scraped my incisors

You injected me

And even drew some blood

So dentist, where's my sticker bud?

I didn’t complain

I didn’t pass out either

Or leap from your chair

And run away and leave ya

Thought you made a vow

Thought we formed a pact

So dentist, a sticker - or I’ll NOT be back!

Smell

April 04, 2020 by Neal zetter

I smell mouldy Gorgonzola cheese

A newly cut spring lawn

I smell damp dew-filled mornings

At the crack of every dawn

I smell Nan's sweet cheap perfume

My strong caffeine coffee drink

I smell the toast now burning

And a bad egg's horrid stink

I smell fresh loaves of wholemeal bread

Soap, cinnamon, polished floors

I smell fried Friday fish and chips

And bracing seaside shores

I smell daffodils, hyacinths, roses, lilies

Not forgetting forget-me-nots

I guess that's why all my friends say

I really smell a lot

I Wanna Drive a Steamroller

March 30, 2020 by Neal zetter

I wanna drive a steamroller

Bombing down the highway

I wanna drive a steamroller

Park it in my driveway

I wanna drive a steamroller

Leaving landscapes flatter

I wanna drive a steamroller

Thinner and not fatter

I will squash every bump

I will squish every lump

I will crunch every hill

I will crush humps at will

I wanna drive a steamroller

Massive wheels and smokestack

I wanna drive a steamroller

Pulverising Tarmac

I wanna drive a steamroller

Man upon a mission

I wanna drive a steamroller

It's my life's ambition

I will smooth every mound

Ironing out all the ground

Watch the city vibrate

Buildings sway, quake and shake

I wanna drive a steamroller

Roaring road hog beastie

I wanna drive a steamroller

Scatter when you see me

I wanna drive a steamroller

Terrorise the traffic

I wanna drive a steamroller

Wouldn't it be magic?

CHUG! CLANG!

CLATTER! CLUTTER!

CRASH! BANG!

CRACK! CRUNCH! SPLUTTER!

I wanna drive a steamroller!

Poem Machine

March 26, 2020 by Neal zetter

You plug me in

You flick my switch

My brain will buzz

My fingers twitch

Then words appear

Upon my screen

I am the poem machine

With language skills

So legendary

A robot built

For literacy

The kingpin of

The poetry scene

I am the poem machine

I whir and click

Producing rhyme

My rhythms beat

In perfect time

Prodigious, smart

Quick, clever, keen

I am the poem machine

I've lived my life

For years and years

But never short

Of great ideas

Inspiring kids

Adults and teens

I am the poem machine

Creating odes

Ballads and rap

You want free verse?

It's here on tap

My works are one

Long endless stream

I am the poem machine

Not bothered if

It's day or night

I'm born to write

And write and write

Now set to go

Lights flashing green

I am the poem machine

Adam's Apples

March 12, 2020 by Neal zetter

(This poem is brought to you by the letter A)

Adam ate apples

Adam ate ALL apples

Admired and adored apples

Annie's apples

Akira's apples

Aaron's apples

Amir's apples

Adam ate ANY apples

Adam avoided almonds

Avocados

Aubergines

Anchovies

Ackee

Asparagus

And also antelope

As Adam ate apples

Appetizing apple advertisements attracted Adam

Adam ate apples abundantly

Adam ate apples avariciously

Affirming “Apples are astonishing!

“Apples are astounding!

“Apples are awesome!”

Adam assembled apples

Adam amassed apples

Adam absorbed apples

Adam ALWAYS ate apples

Abruptly

Adam's abdomen ached acutely

“AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!”

Absolute agony!

Adam 'ad acquired an apple allergy

An awful, appalling, atrocious apple allergy

AMBULANCE!

(Amazingly an ambulance arrived automatically)

Afterwards

Adults advised Adam

“Avert additional anxiety and accidents

“Abandon apples!”

Adam acted accordingly

Avowing absolute apple abstinence

And apprehensively announcing an appropriate amendment

Adam ate apricots

Adam ate ALL apricots

Admired and adored apricots

Annie's apricots

Akira's apricots

Aaron's apricots

Amir's apricots

Adam ate ANY apricots...

Be

March 04, 2020 by Neal zetter

Be a lion not a mouse

Be a castle not a house

Be a banquet not a lunch

Be the pick of every bunch

Be an ocean not a stream

Don’t be milk but be the cream

Be a boulder not a stone

Be unique and not a clone

Be a tall tree not a twig

Be gigantic not just big

Be a “YES!” not “no” or “might”

...And let your confidence ignite!

The World's Best Junior Detective

March 02, 2020 by Neal zetter

Move over Sherlock

A new kid's in town

Cool king of I-spy

Ears fixed to the ground

I trail crooks

I jail crooks

Nose like a bloodhound

Meet the world's best junior detective

Mind's a computer

With rapid-fire brain

Villains my victims

Again and again

I'll best thieves

Arrest thieves

Then shout this refrain

I'm the world's best junior detective

Gathering evidence

Sleuthing them clues

Fingerprints, footprints

And DNA too

I grab thugs

I nab thugs

What else would I do?

As the world's best junior detective

If not in class

And nowhere to be seen

Please tell the teacher

I'm at a heist scene

I track crimes

I crack crimes

It's a private eye thing

I'm the world's best junior detective

Heaven

February 25, 2020 by Neal zetter

Heaven

I just don't get it

Mum tells me that it's up in the sky

Although...

I can't find it on any map

I can't find it when I search Dad's car's GPS

I can't find it even when stargazing through my new telescope

But some folk say it's all around

And if they can see it then why can't I?

Especially as I know lots of people living there

Grandad Bob

Nanny T

Aunties Em and Debs

Mr Sharma from two doors down

Mrs Achebe who used to serve our school dinners

And, apparently, Rocky, my mate Tilly's pet salamander

I should imagine it's a pretty crowded place!

When a person goes to heaven

Everyone cries and is very upset

Yet it's supposed to be a perfect, peaceful, paradise

So is that why my many friends and relations who have gone to heaven

Never come back?

Heaven

I just don't get it

Rhyme Every Time

February 25, 2020 by Neal zetter

Find a tall tree to climb

Pick a number that’s prime

Drink a glass of green slime

But you don’t have to rhyme every time

Wait for Big Ben to chime

Then perform a daft mime

Tell me something sublime

But you don’t have to rhyme every time

Watch a fun pantomime

Squeeze the juice from a lime

Shorten ”I am” to “I’m”

But you don’t have to rhyme every time

Swop ten pence for a dime

Maybe misspell “passtime”

Seek a partner in crime

But you don’t have to rhyme every time

And if when you do

Your writing gets worse

Then switch...

To blank verse 🙂

Breakfast

January 25, 2020 by Neal zetter

Gesg

Gges

Segg

Ggse

Orangana

Strawapple

Pineberry

Melofruit

Cornflakes

Cornflakes (to be continued...)

£££££

$$$$$

€€€€€

¥¥¥¥¥

(*Or, if you’re rushing to get to school or work: scrambled eggs, mixed fruit, cereal, bread, tea)

Stay in Bed

December 17, 2019 by Neal zetter

Dawn is breaking

Birds are singing

Sunshine shining

Alarm bell ringing

But I've cooked up another plan instead

Today's the day I stay in bed

Friends are waiting

School is calling

Dogs are barking

Cats caterwauling

While I'm inactive and as good as dead

Today's the day I stay in bed

Voices chatting

Toast is toasting

TV blaring

Postwoman posting

But I'm switching my green light to a red

Today's the day I stay in bed

Cars are revving

Engines starting

Front door slamming

Family departing

While I pull my duvet over my head

Today's the day I stay in bed

Today's the day I stay in bedzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Too Many Books

December 08, 2019 by Neal zetter

You can have too many holes in your socks

Or too many itches from chicken pox

Too many fresh cream cakes on which to feed

But you can't have too many books to read

Your stomach will burst from too many beans

Feel too much envy and you'll turn dark green

A garden won't grow with too many weeds

But you can't have too many books to read

You can have too many mosquito bites

Too many homework assignments each night

A centipede might have too many knees

But you can't have too many books to read

You can have too much washing up to do

You can sneeze too much as well aaaaaaaaaah...choooooooooo!

A dirty dog will have too many fleas

But you can't have too many books to read

You could get detention too many times

Write poems with far too many bad rhymes

But want a bigger brain? Then it's agreed

That you can't have too many books to read

Hug

October 26, 2019 by Neal zetter

Give me a hug

With warm wraparound arms

Give me a hug

Cosy, cuddly, calm

Give me a hug

So I know that you care

Give me a hug

Like a grizzly bear

Give me a hug

Your great miracle cure

Give me a hug

It's what real friends are for

Give me a hug

Make it tender and tight

Give me a hug

Anytime day or night

Give me a hug

When my spirits are low

Give me a hug

And please - never let go

New Bottom

October 06, 2019 by Neal zetter

Next birthday I want a new bottom

The one I own's terribly worn

Too boney and bumpy

Too lumpy not comfy

It's been with me since I was born

Next birthday I want a new bottom

My current butt's busted and old

Tired, droopy and baggy

Stale, shabby and saggy

In winter it's feeling the cold

Next birthday I want a new bottom

This ageing rear's splitting in two

And has a hole in it

I just want to bin it

A substitute's well overdue

Next birthday I want a new bottom

The most modern bum you can buy

With gadgets and lights on

And go faster stripes on

That won't decay, wither or die

Next birthday I want a new bottom

When showing it off to a friend

I'm hoping to hear “Neal -

“Your rump is the real deal!”

Who cares how much money you spend

Next birthday I want a new bottom

That won't cause me trouble or pain

Please purchase or hire it

I can't wait to try it

Then I can sit down once again

Truth

September 27, 2019 by Neal zetter

I love you!

I hate you!

Love you!

Hate you!

Love you!

Hate you!

Love you!

Hate you!

You make me deliriously happy and proud

You make me incredibly sad and angry

Sometimes you dazzle

Sometimes you depress

Equally beautiful, frustrating, exciting, inept

Yet we’ve stuck together

Through the highs and lows

Of our 52-year relationship

Even during the darkest days

When I admit my heart has wandered

Almost tempted elsewhere

But the TRUTH is

Whatever the future holds for us

I could never

Never

Never...

Support another football team

Warpaint!

September 17, 2019 by Neal zetter

Each 8 a.m.

She's washed and dressed

Tries hard to look her very best

To razzle, dazzle and impress

When mum applies her warpaint

Mascara's done

The blusher's out

Her lipstick lips will purse and pout

A ritual she can't live without

When mum applies her warpaint

Foundation's firm

Upon her face

Two zits are zapped without a trace

Her natural features are displaced

When mum applies her warpaint

She smooths her skin

With dabs of cream

The mirror's yelling “Beauty Queen!”

I'm thinking “Forty”, her “Nineteen”

When mum applies her warpaint

Gel fills her hair

Gold glitter too

Streaked with a tint of turquoise blue

Ten minutes and she's born anew

When mum applies her warpaint

So set to go

Begin the day

No blemishes, no lines, no grey

Our 'other mother's' on display

When mum applies her warpaint

When Dad Turns into the Incredible Hulk

September 05, 2019 by Neal zetter

He rips his jeans

His shirt and vest

Lets out a ROOOOAAAAR!

Then beats his chest

My sister shrieks, my mother sulks