Thurs 19 March 2020
I decide that working in schools is too risky with Covid-19 on the rise and, in place of that daily contact with teachers and children, to share a daily poem on Twitter.
A Poem a Day Keeps the Doctor Away
A poem a day keeps the doctor away
So brilliant, breathtaking, beguiling
GP at your front gate?
Well not anymore mate
Each verse creates smirking and smiling
A poem a day keeps the doctor away
No doubt it's the perfect prescription
Ends self-isolation
Bins all medication
A ballad will banish affliction
A poem a day keeps the doctor away
Leaves hospitals barren, deserted
The sick are enduring
Nobody needs curing
With pestilence, plague now averted
A poem a day keeps the doctor away
Read one then you're bound to get better
McGough, Moses, Bilston
Agard, Seigal, Rosen
Seuss, Duffy...and don't forget Zetter
Sat 28 March 2020
As the crisis deepens and fatalities start to mount I am worried about how children will be able to understand and articulate the loss of loved one and how adults can help them do that.
Heaven
Heaven
I just don't get it
Mum tells me that it's up in the sky
Although...
I can't find it on any map
I can't find it when I search Dad's car's GPS
I can't find it even when stargazing through my new telescope
But some folk say it's all around
And if they can see it then why can't I?
Especially as I know lots of people living there
Grandad Bob
Nanny T
Aunties Em and Debs
Mr Sharma from two doors down
Mrs Achebe who used to serve our school dinners
And, apparently, Rocky, my mate Tilly's pet salamander
I should imagine it's a pretty crowded place!
When a person goes to heaven
Everyone cries and is very upset
Yet it's supposed to be a perfect, peaceful, paradise
So is that why my many friends and relations who have gone to heaven
Never come back?
Heaven
I just don't get it
Fri 3 April 2020
Having contracted the (thankfully) mild form of Covid-19, I lost all sense of smell for four days; as it returns I rediscover a new appreciation of it.
Smell
I smell mouldy Gorgonzola cheese
A newly cut spring lawn
I smell damp dew-filled mornings
At the crack of every dawn
I smell Nan's sweet cheap perfume
My strong caffeine coffee drink
I smell the toast now burning
And a bad egg's horrid stink
I smell fresh loaves of wholemeal bread
Soap, cinnamon, polished floors
I smell fried Friday fish and chips
And bracing seaside shores
I smell daffodils, hyacinths, roses, lilies
Not forgetting forget-me-nots
I guess that's why all my friends say...
I really smell a lot
Sat 4 April 2020
Now under lockdown for some days, the crisis is deepening and the real begins to seem unreal.
Living in a Sci-Fi Movie
Living in a sci-fi movie
Plague, pestilence abound
Some neighbours dead
Some off their head
Stone silence all around
Living in a sci-fi movie
Who said 'Can't happen here'?
Sport, restaurants gone
No movies on
Is two meters too near?
Living in a sci-fi movie
With daily Boris shows
No work, no cash
A worldwide crash
As panic overflows
Living in a sci-fi movie
It's Covid19's curse
Loo rolls we're told
The price of gold
Good business for the hearse
Living in a sci-fi movie
Want food? Then form a queue
No meat, fruit, veg
Perhaps instead
We'll need to eat the zoo
Living in a sci-fi movie
Now climbing walls indoors
Can't walk so far
Can't drive my car
Unless I break the law
Living in a sci-fi movie
Turn off the TV news
My fever's high
Maybe I'll die
I've caught the lurgy too
Sat 11 April 2020
As lockdown boredom begins to set in my wife suggests some things for me to do around our home and what thankless task is top of the list?
Clear Out the Shed
Rediscover stuff forgotten
Busted, broken, dusty, rotten
Boredom hit a new rock bottom?
“Let's clear out the shed”
Didn't know such junk existed
Scrap and crap piles all z-listed
It's a task to be resisted
“Let's clear out the shed”
“Let's clear out the shed”
“Let's clear out the shed”
Much prefer to eat my head
“Let's clear out the shed”
Never was one for spring cleaning
Who cares if this place is gleaming?
Tear your hair out then start screaming
“Let's clear out the shed”
Bike bits, wallpaper and paint pots
Plugs, rugs, cracked mugs, I don't know what
Chipped tiles, lino - bin the whole lot
“Let's clear out the shed”
“Let's clear out the shed”
“Let's clear out the shed”
Rather shoot myself instead
“Let's clear out the shed”
It's a task I've not requested
Mixing with the rat-infested
Have to get myself blood-tested
“Let's clear out the shed”
Garbage? What a huge selection
Mouldy mattress for rejection
Condoms unfit for protection
“Let's clear out the shed”
“Let's clear out the shed”
“Let's clear out the shed”
Find a body, long since dead
“Let's clear out the shed”
“Let's clear out the shed”
“Let's clear out the shed”
What's the job that you most dread?
“Let's clear out the shed”
Sun 29 April 2020
With social distancing of two meters now introduced I am noticing interesting patterns of walking behaviour.
Covid-19: Pavement Strategy
What's your pavement strategy?
Are you a Lefter?
Ever sticking
to the extreme
left-hand side
of the street
Or a Righter?
Keenly hugging
the opposite
right-hand flank
Or a Middler?
Cautiously...
stepping...
into spaces...
created by...
the above two...
Or a Zig- zagger ?
Cleverly navigating any new
gaps
as they appear
Or a Roader?
Relentlessly treading Tarmac
carefully dodging passing cars
Or are you a Killer?
A selfish w@$*er ignoring EVERY rule
Whose strategy is...
To have no strategy at all
What's your pavement strategy?
Thurs 7 May 2020
Although I desperately want life as it was pre-Covid-19 I feel compelled to write about the crisis as, after all, that's what writers must do.
Old for New
I REALLY don't want to write this poem!
But this is the New Normal
And as a poet
It's my job
My vocation
My responsibility
To commentate on what's happening in the world
I'd much rather be
Squashed against a smelly commuter on the 7.29 to Liverpool Street
Totally exhausted after a tough school 'author visit'
Depressed 5pm on a Saturday as Spurs lose yet again
Shopping with my wife for her holiday outfits in a heaving M&S
Listening to MPs arguing ad nauseam about the minutiae of Brexit
Sitting in a massive traffic jam on a packed M25
So bring back the Old Normal!
Then I won't have to write a poem like this again
Sun 10 May 2020
Although I love my wife dearly I notice some silly arguments are occurring due the more confined nature of living in lockdown and constantly being around each other so produce a remedy:
Count to Ten
If something is frustrating you
Intensely aggravating you
Hold tight on to your temper, never flap
Or explode 'cause it might harm ya
Try this trick instead, be calmer
Deep breath – count from one to ten and you'll not snap
If someone's irritating you
Perhaps infuriating you
It's pointless detonating like a bomb
Teach yourself this meditation
To improve your situation
Count from one to ten – your anger will be gone
If people aren't amusing you
Worse, verbally abusing you
Stay ultra cool and show them how it's done
You'll be proving you're more grown up
Arguments will not be blown up
Fill those lungs and in your head then count from one...
Two...
Three...
Four...
Five...
Six...
Seven...
Eight...
Nine...
Ten
Sun 17 May 2020
I am furloughed so I can't undertake paid work as an author/poet (there is none anyway!). I therefore revise my business offer to anyone wanting to book me:
Virtual Ad
I’m a virtual poet
In this virtual world
Writing virtual poems
For all boys and girls
Full of virtual rhythms
Full of virtual rhymes
And my virtual show
You can view online
I’ve got virtual friends
I’ve got virtual fans
(But no virtual income
In my virtual hands)
If you like my work
Take a virtual look
Do some virtual shopping
cccpworkshops.co.uk/books
Mon 25 May 2020
Maybe a summarised version of what you are reading!
Lockdown Diary, Day #??
One more day of furlough
Baked a loaf of sourdough
Exercised with Joe Wicks
Binged a show on Netflix
Painted, decorated
Got bored and frustrated
Zoomed another meeting
Practised overeating
Walked around the block then
Queued outside a shop then
Watched the Boris briefing
Spent the next hour seething
Mused in isolation
Searched for inspiration
Sunk six cups of coffee
Finally...wrote some poetry
Wed 27 May 2020
As a child I wanted as much time off school as possible but now as an adult my feelings are very different, especially after two months of schools being shut:
School's Out
“One more day and I'll be free
“Free from the house of misery...”
We used to sing on the last day of term
Then school was out for summer
50 years later
In this marathon of marathon 'school holidays'
This author is desperately missing...
Battling through bustling morning parent and pupil crowds, packed reluctant book bag in tow, to reach the office
The frustratingly demanding 'sign-in' computer taking photos worse than my passport's
The ever-tired never-tired energy-filled enthusiasm of ALL teaching staff
The military parade precision of ultimately uncomfortable fidgety assemblies
Attempting to calibrate interactive whiteboards that NOBODY can master
That homogenous lunchtime cooking smell, the same whatever the menu, wherever the school
Necessary though disorientating fire drills (why do they always interrupt MY lessons?)
Mountain-high dirty mugs stacked in staffroom sinks waiting for somebody to crack and wash them up
And, more than anything
The clattering cacophony of the continuous tsunami of children
Running, shouting, playing, screaming, chatting, singing, arguing, smiling, shoving, laughing, crying, dancing, BUZZING! LIVING!
Then the contrasting calm of application and determination when writing their poems with me
Until the final THUNDERCRACK BLAST of the 3.30 home time bell signals a lemming-like front gate exodus...
Yes, school's out
But yesterday's 'freedom' is today's prison
Fri 29 May 2020
Zoom is one of the new ways people are communicating with each other. I guess some people might even be meeting partners on Zoom...and losing them as well.
Love in a Covid Climate
What rule did I transgress
What crime did I commit
For you to smash my heart
Into the smallest bits?
It's splintered, shattered on the floor
You cut me to my very core
Remotely you walked out the door
Now you don't Zoom me anymore
We used to chat for hours
(Once I'd clicked on your link)
In our respective beds
Curled up with just a drink
With online love you knew the score
I want things as they were before
But I'm a shipwreck far from shore
Now you don't Zoom me anymore
Was my wifi too weak?
My video unclear?
My background indistinct?
My voice too quiet to hear?
Did I break some unwritten law?
All of my invites are ignored
What happened to our great rapport?
Now you don't Zoom me anymore
I thought you were the one
Since our first virtual date
Till 'old normal' resumed
The physical could wait
Our romance clearly had a flaw
I punch my keypad, fingers raw
You've changed your number – final straw!
Now you don't Zoom me anymore
(And although I remain your true believer
You don't FaceTime, WhatsApp, Skype or Instagram me
Either)
Mon 1 June 2020
The PM's key aide, Dominic Cummings, selfishly flouts strict and clear lockdown rules and gets away with it making us wonder who is really running the country. Most people are outraged, including me.
Biggest Jobs
Who's the boss, who's the flunky?
Who's the zookeeper, who's the monkey?
Who's the oily rag, who's the engineer?
Who's the puppet, who's the puppeteer?
Who's the jockey, who's the horse?
Difficult to tell of course
Who's number one? It depends on your views
But I say they're BOTH number twos
Tues 2 June 2020
The Government contradict's itself when many lockdown rules are relaxed despite its new Covid-19 alert system not moving from level four to level three (which would legitimately allow for some lockdown easing). Many suspect this the PM's 'sweetener' to distract for the Cummings' scandal.
LIES, DAMNED LIES...
I was taught π = 3.142
Of Pythagoras’ Law in trigonometry
That 1/2 as a % = 0.5
But no one ever told me that 4 = 3
Sun 7 June 2020
With less face-to-face contact with friends, family and the thousands of people (children, teachers, parents) I meet during school visits, my need for communicating and online validation is growing and with it my constant checking of social media. Bad habit!
New Notification
I'll ignore mould growing on a slice of bread
Paranoid voices inside my head
I'll ignore huge spiders crawling up both arms
Ear-splitting deafening fire alarms
I'll ignore pink stripes on our pet Dalmatian
But I can never ignore a new notification
I'll ignore burning sausages on the grill
Final demand red Council Tax bills
I'll ignore your bad breath and your tooth decay
The fact you labelled my poems cliché
I'll ignore failed attempts at punctuation??
But I can never ignore a new notification
I'll ignore the odd obsessive stalking fan
After effects of a box of All Bran
I'll ignore Count Dracula's deadliest bite
Dangerous sticks of live dynamite
I'll ignore sarcastic insinuation
But I can never ignore a new notification
I'll ignore trick and treaters at the front door
Half a maggot in an apple core
I'll ignore yellow lines when parking my car
Popcorn munchers at the cinema
I'll ignore apocalyptic conflagration
But I can never ignore a new notification
Mon 8 June 2020
As a writer I always find the constant development of language fascinating. And now I am noticing a huge influx of new Coronavirus-related words and terms in the media that have been subsequently adopted by all of us in our every day conversations.
Words in Crisis
We are now learning many new words
Coronavirus, hydroxychloroquine, covidiot
Using many new terms
Social distancing, self-isolation, flatten the curve
Giving many old words new meaning
Zoom, furlough, lockdown
Expressing many words as acronyms
PPE, NHS, SAGE
But a few words are being greatly misused
Statistics, facts, truth
Tues 9 June 2020
No government in the world is working through this crisis without making errors - that would be impossible. So why can’t ours show some honesty?
Breath
I'm holding my breath
When walking past people in the street
I'm holding my breath
When listening to the daily deaths on the news
I'm holding my breath
When greeting delivery drivers at my door
But I'm NOT holding my breath
For a Government Minister to admit
That they've made even the
Smallest
Tiniest
Teeniest
Teensiest
MISTAKE
Sat 13 June 2020
People are now permitted to form a ‘bubble’ with another household of friends or family so will no doubt be enjoying at least one of these:
Hug
Give me a hug
With warm wraparound arms
Give me a hug
Cosy, cuddly, calm
Give me a hug
So I know that you care
Give me a hug
Like a grizzly bear
Give me a hug
Your great miracle cure
Give me a hug
It's what real friends are for
Give me a hug
Make it tender and tight
Give me a hug
Anytime day or night
Give me a hug
When my spirits are low
Give me a hug
And please - never let go
Wed 17 June 2020
Whatever criticisms there have been about the Government’s conflicting messages during this crisis, one instruction has remained clear and consistent.
Wash Your Hands!
If you're covered in mud
If your thumb's dripping blood
Give that soap loads of suds
Wash your hands!
If they smell, reek and stink
Take yourself to the sink
You're not there for a drink
Wash your hands!
Wash your hands, hands, hands
Hands, hands, hands hands
WASH YOUR HANDS!
Sludge and slime on your mitt
Grub and grime, grease and grit
Then you must do your bit
Wash your hands!
So go turn on that tap
While you're singing this rap
Hit those germs with a ZAP!
Wash your hands!
Wash your hands, hands, hands
Hands, hands, hands hands
WASH YOUR HANDS!
Thurs 18 June 2020
It’s revealed that, despite our biggest National Debt since 1963 and thousands struggling with poverty caused or worsened by the pandemic, the PM is spending £900,000 to paint his jet!
On Another Plane
If you want to paint your plane then clap your hands
If you want to paint your plane then clap your hands
As you have a million spare
And you really do not care
If you want to paint your plane then clap your hands
If you want to spruce your jet just go ahead
If you want to spruce your jet just go ahead
'Cause you know that you're the boss
And don't give a monkey's toss
If you want to spruce your jet just go ahead
If you want to give a facelift to your toy
If you want to give a facelift to your toy
Plague and poverty rise fast
Yet your head's stuck up your arse
If you want to give a facelift to your toy
If you want to show us you're a heartless nob
If you want to show us you're a heartless nob
You will choose white, blue and red
Over 50000 dead
But you're gonna paint your plane so clap your hands
Yes you're gonna paint your plane so clap your hands!
Fri 3 July 2020
Travelling on London's trains and tubes for the first time since lockdown with mask on as required by Government regulations.
Mystery Man
I’m a superhero
A secret agent spying
An undercover cop
A criminal in hiding
I’m a scary stalker
A guy in fancy dress
Unidentifiable
I blend in with the rest
Find me incognito
A famous film celebrity
Mister Anonymous
Your best friend or worst enemy?
I'm ubiquitous
Star of transport, streets and queues
‘Cause when I put my mask on
I can be just who I choose
Wed 23 Sept 2020
Dedicated to so many of these W@?*@$± I have seen over the last few months.
COVIDIOT
Are you a COVIDIOT
One of those
Who don't realise you breathe
Through your mouth...
And your nose?
Tues 10 Nov 2020
A few days into lockdown 2.0 I am evaluating my choice of lockdown partner but have little doubt I picked the right one.
I Wanna Lockdown with You
Don't wanna lockdown with Adele, Tom Hardy
Helen Bonham Carter, Jamie Vardy
Scarlett Johansson? Back of the queue!
'Cause I wanna lockdown with you
Don't wanna be confined with Rishi Sunak
(A certified nymphomaniac)
Me plus Madonna won't equal two
'Cause I wanna lockdown with you
Don't wanna quarantine with Rafael Nadal
Claudia Winkleman, Simon Cowell
Even Little Mix wouldn't see me through
'Cause I wanna lockdown with you
Don't wanna be imprisoned with DiCaprio
Half the population of Mexico
Ed Sheeran as a lodger just doesn't ring true
'Cause I wanna lockdown with you
Don't wanna be lumbered with a Ninja Turtle
Vladimir Putin, Angela Merkel
But someone I can stick to like superglue
I wanna lockdown with you
Yes I do
I wanna lockdown with you
Sat 2 Jan 2021
Everyone’s doing it in lockdown - and so am I!
Exercise Bike
When building my muscles
And pumping my blood
I never get rained on
Or covered in mud
Exercise bike, exercise bike!
Exercise, exercise, exercise bike!
I'm still where I started
The very same place
Unlikely to win
Any Tour de France race
Exercise bike, exercise bike!
Exercise, exercise, exercise bike!
My two wheels are spinning
As fast as the Flash
But no need to panic
Because I can't crash
Exercise bike, exercise bike!
Exercise, exercise, exercise bike!
There's not any traffic
There aren't any jams
I'm free of all cars
Coaches, buses and trams
Exercise bike, exercise bike!
Exercise, exercise, exercise bike!
Don't want to go swimming
Play football or run
I've found a new way
To keep fit that's more fun
Exercise bike, exercise bike!
Exercise, exercise, exercise bike!
Exercise, exercise
Exercise, exercise
Exercise, exercise...
BIKE!
(PHEW!)
Thurs 7 Jan 2021
The NHS is being overrun…
Casualties
I see patients
Everywhere
On the TV news
On social media
On graphs
In statistics
In hospitals
In beds
On trolleys
In ambulances
But
When I try and find patience
It's so very hard
Sat 9 Jan 2021
Most schools are saying they haven’t received any of the thousands of laptops promised to the nation’s schools by the ever reliable (!) Gavin Williamson. This is resulting in many more children going into school/unable to learn at home, thus spreading Covid further.
Lapflop
I’ve looked in classrooms
Under chairs
In the cupboard
By the stairs
In the playground
Dinner hall
Staffroom
Field (next to our school)
In the library
Even the lav
But can’t find a single laptop, Gav