It's Only a Passport Photo

They say that the camera can never be lying

Although accusations of 'Fake!' are now flying

I've seen people cuter (the dead and the dying)

But it's only a passport photo

Is Frankenstein's Monster returning to haunt us?

Is Dracula's Bride hanging round just to taunt us?

Appearance appalling a definite sourpuss

But it's only a passport photo

That person you're viewing you're not recognising

Eye bags and cheek sags make that hardly surprising

Next Halloween party you'll need no disguising

But it's only a passport photo

A certified XX for future transmission

A major assignment for one keen beautician

You pray for a miracle or a magician

But it's only a passport photo

For ugliness zombies and trolls could not top you

All border control staff will certainly stop you

You should have paid somebody to Photoshop you

But it's only a passport photo

Monkey Invasion

Alarms have been tripped

Our furniture flipped

Bananas unzipped

Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!

It's a monkey invasion!

Two laptops are pinched

The TV half-inched

Chaos is a cinch

Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!

It's a monkey invasion!

Extreme wrecking crew

Escaped from the zoo

What are we to do?

Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!

It's a monkey invasion!

The flower bed's wrecked

Duck down, hit the deck

Oh flippin' 'eck

Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!

It's a monkey invasion!

Mischievous beasts

The fridge is their feast

Stress levels increase

Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!

It's a monkey invasion!

Who emptied the bin?

Who drank Mum's sloe gin?

Clue: that screeching din

Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!

It's a monkey invasion!

One's wearing Dad's jeans

Walls smeared with baked beans

Catastrophic scenes

Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!

It's a monkey invasion!

The family car's trashed

They stole all my cash

Then gone in a flash

Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!

That was...a monkey invasion!

Eye am an I

Eye am an I

Eye scan, squint, spot, spy

Eye recognise, regard, inspect

Eye can peek, peer, peep

Close when you're asleep

Eye witness, watch, check, clock, detect

Eye am an I

Eye identify

Eye scrutinise, survey, strain, stare

Shut me as you think

Eye will wink and blink

Ogle, goggle, gaze, glaze, gape, glare

Eye am an I

One of two supplied

Eye could be blue, brown, grey or green

Turn black if Eye'm bashed

Often focused, flashed

So bright Eye'm a sight to be seen

Eye am an I

Sadness makes me cry

Eye notice, view, observe, leer, look

Rub me Eye'll go red

Fixed inside your head

Eye'll help you read this poetry book

Blank

It could become a great story book

Or the simplest aeroplane

The most mind-boggling maths equation

A long colourful paper chain

It might turn into a self-portrait

Or a birthday card for a friend

An origami brontosaurus

A letter for someone to send

The script for a fab fantastic film

Or a poem that lasts an age

Who knows what magic's awaiting us

When presented with a blank page?

Exclamation Mark!

Compelled to shriek! and shout! aloud

Not born to blend in with the crowd

I stand up straight and tall and proud

Muscular, mighty

You don't want to fight me

I'm an exclamation mark!

I must be noticed, must be seen

Forget those letters in-between

My power boosts your every scream!

Not fancy, not fluffy

A roughie, a toughie

I'm an exclamation mark!

Scare commas, colons and full stops

Cause shocked apostrophes to drop

Ellipses to lose all their dots

An upstart, a raver

Unruly behaviour

I'm an exclamation mark!

I'll amplify a zoooom! for you

Whizzzz! boooom! bash! crash! enhance them too

Or even cock-a-doodle-doo!

I'm craving attention

So once more I'll mention

I'm an exclamation mark!!!!!

Rucksack

My rucksack resembles a bottomless sack

Jam-packed with my stuff ever stuck to my back

Containing a book and two comics for reading

An apple, a sandwich on which I’ll be feeding

A bottle of sparkling water for drinking

(My parents suggest it’s got our kitchen sink in)

It carries a pencil, blank paper, fun stickers

A padlock, an odd sock, a spare pair of knickers

A wad of clean tissues, a big bar of chocolate

My door keys and phone tightly zipped in the pocket

I’ve squeezed in my tablet, along with my glasses

Although I’m unsure as to where my bus pass is

My baseball cap languishes down at the bottom

With trinkets and items I’ve long since forgotten

It holds a small stash of emergency money

Along with some sun cream in case it’s too sunny

You’ll find an umbrella for days when it’s pouring

I’m sure if I tried I could still fit lots more in

My rucksack resembles a bottomless sack

Jam-packed with my stuff ever stuck to my back

Peanut Butter Nutter

I’m a peanut butter nutter

I’m a peanut butter fan

If I was a superhero

I’d be Peanut Butter Man

Love it smooth and love it crunchy

Mixed together's tasty too

For my breakfast or my lunchy

It’s the food I choose to chew

I‘m not bothered if you see me

Stick a finger in the jar

Don't want marmalade or honey

It's my favourite by far

Beigey brown and sometimes salty

Perfect snack that’s protein packed

Such a source of satisfaction

Cures a hunger pang attack

Yummy on a scoop of ice cream

Scrumptious sandwiched with some jam

Need a peanut butter champion?

Then remember who I am

I’m a peanut butter nutter

Nothing’s better on my bread

There’s no other name I utter

When I’m asked to pick a spread

New Words

Kakorrhaphiophobia (= fear of failure)

I’ve found a new word!

Now can’t wait to enjoy it

To run it round my tongue

And then to suitably deploy it

I’ll include it in a passage

In a story, in a poem

Or slyly slip it in to keep

A conversion flowing

Tittynope (= a small quantity of anything left over)

I’ve found a new word!

And also learnt its meaning

It’s looking good, it’s sounding good

Attractive and appealing

I’ll select it for a sentence

For a paragraph, a title

I’ll use it in my next book

A performance or recital

Jentacular (= relating to breakfast)

 

I’ve found a new word!

Uncommon and exciting

To help me grow my vocab

And improve my future writing

I’ll add it to a manuscript

Blank verse, a speech, a lyric

Here comes my new word for today

That’s totally terrific...

Peroration (= end of a speech intended to inspire audience enthusiasm)

Authors' Advice

Do you want to be a better writer?

Then never be nervous

Afraid

Apprehensive

Anxious

Jittery

Jumpy

Concerned

Cautious

Cowardly

Coy

Bugged

Bashful

Bothered

Humble

Hesitant

Highly-strung

Tense

Timid

Troubled

Twitchy

Tentative

Terrified

Frightened

Fearful

Fretful

Flustered

Distressed

Disturbed

Panicky

Petrified

Upset

Uptight

Uneasy

Unassertive

Worried

Weak-kneed

Shy

Shaky

Sheepish

Spooked

Self-conscious

Scared

About using synonyms

OOMPH!

Take one: I nervously performed my poem to the class

“Not bad Neal, but you need more OOMPH!”

Insisted Ms Dramatype

Take two: When done, she reemphasised

“Definitely more OOMPH!”

Too embarrassed to ask my teacher what OOMPH! was

I waited till I returned home

I searched my room for it

I searched my house

I searched my garden

I searched my garage

No OOMPH! anywhere

I searched in my street

I searched in local shops

I searched on Amazon

I searched on Wikipedia

(It stated that Oomph! was a German rock band from 1989

Probably not the OOMPH! I was seeking)

What on Earth was OOMPH?

Next day in class

Take three: Guess what?

“Still needs more OOMPH!”

I felt fed up

Frustrated

Intimidated

Confused

Angry

So just before take four

I yelled

IN CAPITAL LETTERS

Bold type

Underlined

With appropriate punctuation!!!???

“WHAT IS OOMPH!!!???”

And Ms Dramatype looked at me

Smiling

Widely

Favourite Words

Onomatopoeia, banana

Streeeeeeeetch, flip-flop

Discombobulated, zinnidious*

Fungi, platypus, plop

Kalamazoo, Timbuktu

Croissant**, corrugated

Pandemonium, sphinx

Fizz (extremely underrated)

Shenanigans, nebulae

Cellophane, schmooze

Codswallop, cacophony

Which words would YOU choose?

(* I made that one up)

(**Only with a strong French accent)

Comic Book Boy (A True Story)

Superhero comics

Were all he ever read

His parents nagged away at him

To read some books instead

He searched libraries and bookshops

But nothing he could find

Could match the huge excitement

Comics caused inside his mind

He marvelled at the stories

Called characters his friends

The days dragged by

If issues had cliffhangers at the end

He loved their shiny covers

Their shape and feel and smell

Who wrote and drew and inked them too

One glance and he could tell

The villains were (usually) defeated

Though after quite a fight

The superheroes won the day

And this to him seemed right

As he became an adult

His comic reading stopped

Yet something tugged upon his heart

When passing sci-fi shops

So he bought comics once again

To get that magic back

Just like a train that was derailed

Returning to the track

He vowed he would stick with them

Beyond infinity

And write poems about superheroes and supervillains

Yes, Comic Book Boy is (still) me

Wash Your Hands!

If you're covered in mud

If your thumb's dripping blood

Give that soap loads of suds

Wash your hands!

If they smell, reek and stink

Take yourself to the sink

You're not there for a drink

Wash your hands!

Wash your hands, hands, hands

Hands, hands, hands hands

WASH YOUR HANDS!

Sludge and slime on your mitt

Grub and grime, grease and grit

Then you must do your bit

Wash your hands!

So go turn on that tap

While you're singing this rap

Hit those germs with a ZAP!

Wash your hands!

Wash your hands, hands, hands

Hands, hands, hands hands

WASH YOUR HANDS!

Wonky Picture

Wonky picture in my hall

Hanging crooked on the wall

In defiance mocking me

Torturing my OCD

Nails have failed to set you right

Tape has never tied you tight

Tried my drill but broke the brick

Super glue refused to stick

No luck with a drawing pin

Any which way I can't win

Always you are in my view

Right angles you just don't do

Ever tilting to one side

Like a lilting flower that's died

As your insolence won't stop

You're off to the Oxfam shop!

X-ray Vision

I've got x-ray eyes

I've got x-ray vision

See the world at large

With rare definition

Look through doors and walls

Rucksacks and suitcases

Handbags, pockets too

Any private places

Glance into your veins

Watch your blood that's pumping

Gaze into your chest

Check your heart that's thumping

In your wheelie bin

I'll spot junk you're trashing

In your locked steel safe

Spy the cash you're stashing

Don't use magic tricks

Don't use high tech gadgets

It's a special gift

And I've always had it

Doctors are confused

So is my optician

I've got x-ray eyes

I've got x-ray vision

Covid Collection & Diary

Thurs 19 March 2020

I decide that working in schools is too risky with Covid-19 on the rise and, in place of that daily contact with teachers and children, to share a daily poem on Twitter.

A Poem a Day Keeps the Doctor Away

A poem a day keeps the doctor away

So brilliant, breathtaking, beguiling

GP at your front gate?

Well not anymore mate

Each verse creates smirking and smiling

A poem a day keeps the doctor away

No doubt it's the perfect prescription

Ends self-isolation

Bins all medication

A ballad will banish affliction

A poem a day keeps the doctor away

Leaves hospitals barren, deserted

The sick are enduring

Nobody needs curing

With pestilence, plague now averted

A poem a day keeps the doctor away

Read one then you're bound to get better

McGough, Moses, Bilston

Agard, Seigal, Rosen

Seuss, Duffy...and don't forget Zetter

Sat 28 March 2020

As the crisis deepens and fatalities start to mount I am worried about how children will be able to understand and articulate the loss of loved one and how adults can help them do that.

Heaven

Heaven

I just don't get it

Mum tells me that it's up in the sky

Although...

I can't find it on any map

I can't find it when I search Dad's car's GPS

I can't find it even when stargazing through my new telescope

But some folk say it's all around

And if they can see it then why can't I?

Especially as I know lots of people living there

Grandad Bob

Nanny T

Aunties Em and Debs

Mr Sharma from two doors down

Mrs Achebe who used to serve our school dinners

And, apparently, Rocky, my mate Tilly's pet salamander

I should imagine it's a pretty crowded place!

When a person goes to heaven

Everyone cries and is very upset

Yet it's supposed to be a perfect, peaceful, paradise

So is that why my many friends and relations who have gone to heaven

Never come back?

Heaven

I just don't get it

Fri 3 April 2020

Having contracted the (thankfully) mild form of Covid-19, I lost all sense of smell for four days; as it returns I rediscover a new appreciation of it.

Smell

I smell mouldy Gorgonzola cheese

A newly cut spring lawn

I smell damp dew-filled mornings

At the crack of every dawn

I smell Nan's sweet cheap perfume

My strong caffeine coffee drink

I smell the toast now burning

And a bad egg's horrid stink

I smell fresh loaves of wholemeal bread

Soap, cinnamon, polished floors

I smell fried Friday fish and chips

And bracing seaside shores

I smell daffodils, hyacinths, roses, lilies

Not forgetting forget-me-nots

I guess that's why all my friends say...

I really smell a lot

Sat 4 April 2020

Now under lockdown for some days, the crisis is deepening and the real begins to seem unreal.

Living in a Sci-Fi Movie

Living in a sci-fi movie

Plague, pestilence abound

Some neighbours dead

Some off their head

Stone silence all around

Living in a sci-fi movie

Who said 'Can't happen here'?

Sport, restaurants gone

No movies on

Is two meters too near?

Living in a sci-fi movie

With daily Boris shows

No work, no cash

A worldwide crash

As panic overflows

Living in a sci-fi movie

It's Covid19's curse

Loo rolls we're told

The price of gold

Good business for the hearse

Living in a sci-fi movie

Want food? Then form a queue

No meat, fruit, veg

Perhaps instead

We'll need to eat the zoo

Living in a sci-fi movie

Now climbing walls indoors

Can't walk so far

Can't drive my car

Unless I break the law

Living in a sci-fi movie

Turn off the TV news

My fever's high

Maybe I'll die

I've caught the lurgy too

Sat 11 April 2020

As lockdown boredom begins to set in my wife suggests some things for me to do around our home and what thankless task is top of the list?

Clear Out the Shed

Rediscover stuff forgotten

Busted, broken, dusty, rotten

Boredom hit a new rock bottom?

“Let's clear out the shed”

Didn't know such junk existed

Scrap and crap piles all z-listed

It's a task to be resisted

“Let's clear out the shed”

“Let's clear out the shed”

“Let's clear out the shed”

Much prefer to eat my head

“Let's clear out the shed”

Never was one for spring cleaning

Who cares if this place is gleaming?

Tear your hair out then start screaming

“Let's clear out the shed”

Bike bits, wallpaper and paint pots

Plugs, rugs, cracked mugs, I don't know what

Chipped tiles, lino - bin the whole lot

“Let's clear out the shed”

“Let's clear out the shed”

“Let's clear out the shed”

Rather shoot myself instead

“Let's clear out the shed”

It's a task I've not requested

Mixing with the rat-infested

Have to get myself blood-tested

“Let's clear out the shed”

Garbage? What a huge selection

Mouldy mattress for rejection

Condoms unfit for protection

“Let's clear out the shed”

“Let's clear out the shed”

“Let's clear out the shed”

Find a body, long since dead

“Let's clear out the shed”

“Let's clear out the shed”

“Let's clear out the shed”

What's the job that you most dread?

“Let's clear out the shed”

Sun 29 April 2020

With social distancing of two meters now introduced I am noticing interesting patterns of walking behaviour.

Covid-19: Pavement Strategy

What's your pavement strategy?

Are you a Lefter?

Ever sticking

to the extreme

left-hand side

of the street

Or a Righter?

Keenly hugging

the opposite

right-hand flank

Or a Middler?

Cautiously...

stepping...

into spaces...

created by...

the above two...

Or a Zig- zagger ?

Cleverly navigating any new

gaps

as they appear

Or a Roader?

Relentlessly treading Tarmac

carefully dodging passing cars

Or are you a Killer?

A selfish w@$*er ignoring EVERY rule

Whose strategy is...

To have no strategy at all

What's your pavement strategy?

Thurs 7 May 2020

Although I desperately want life as it was pre-Covid-19 I feel compelled to write about the crisis as, after all, that's what writers must do.

Old for New

I REALLY don't want to write this poem!

But this is the New Normal

And as a poet

It's my job

My vocation

My responsibility

To commentate on what's happening in the world

I'd much rather be

Squashed against a smelly commuter on the 7.29 to Liverpool Street

Totally exhausted after a tough school 'author visit'

Depressed 5pm on a Saturday as Spurs lose yet again

Shopping with my wife for her holiday outfits in a heaving M&S

Listening to MPs arguing ad nauseam about the minutiae of Brexit

Sitting in a massive traffic jam on a packed M25

So bring back the Old Normal!

Then I won't have to write a poem like this again

Sun 10 May 2020

Although I love my wife dearly I notice some silly arguments are occurring due the more confined nature of living in lockdown and constantly being around each other so produce a remedy:

Count to Ten

If something is frustrating you

Intensely aggravating you

Hold tight on to your temper, never flap

Or explode 'cause it might harm ya

Try this trick instead, be calmer

Deep breath – count from one to ten and you'll not snap

If someone's irritating you

Perhaps infuriating you

It's pointless detonating like a bomb

Teach yourself this meditation

To improve your situation

Count from one to ten – your anger will be gone

If people aren't amusing you

Worse, verbally abusing you

Stay ultra cool and show them how it's done

You'll be proving you're more grown up

Arguments will not be blown up

Fill those lungs and in your head then count from one...

Two...

Three...

Four...

Five...

Six...

Seven...

Eight...

Nine...

Ten

Sun 17 May 2020

I am furloughed so I can't undertake paid work as an author/poet (there is none anyway!). I therefore revise my business offer to anyone wanting to book me:

Virtual Ad

I’m a virtual poet

In this virtual world

Writing virtual poems

For all boys and girls

Full of virtual rhythms

Full of virtual rhymes

And my virtual show

You can view online

I’ve got virtual friends

I’ve got virtual fans

(But no virtual income

In my virtual hands)

If you like my work

Take a virtual look

Do some virtual shopping

cccpworkshops.co.uk/books

Mon 25 May 2020

Maybe a summarised version of what you are reading!

Lockdown Diary, Day #??

One more day of furlough

Baked a loaf of sourdough

Exercised with Joe Wicks

Binged a show on Netflix

Painted, decorated

Got bored and frustrated

Zoomed another meeting

Practised overeating

Walked around the block then

Queued outside a shop then

Watched the Boris briefing

Spent the next hour seething

Mused in isolation

Searched for inspiration

Sunk six cups of coffee

Finally...wrote some poetry

Wed 27 May 2020

As a child I wanted as much time off school as possible but now as an adult my feelings are very different, especially after two months of schools being shut:

School's Out

“One more day and I'll be free

“Free from the house of misery...”

We used to sing on the last day of term

Then school was out for summer

50 years later

In this marathon of marathon 'school holidays'

This author is desperately missing...

Battling through bustling morning parent and pupil crowds, packed reluctant book bag in tow, to reach the office

The frustratingly demanding 'sign-in' computer taking photos worse than my passport's

The ever-tired never-tired energy-filled enthusiasm of ALL teaching staff

The military parade precision of ultimately uncomfortable fidgety assemblies

Attempting to calibrate interactive whiteboards that NOBODY can master

That homogenous lunchtime cooking smell, the same whatever the menu, wherever the school

Necessary though disorientating fire drills (why do they always interrupt MY lessons?)

Mountain-high dirty mugs stacked in staffroom sinks waiting for somebody to crack and wash them up

And, more than anything

The clattering cacophony of the continuous tsunami of children

Running, shouting, playing, screaming, chatting, singing, arguing, smiling, shoving, laughing, crying, dancing, BUZZING! LIVING!

Then the contrasting calm of application and determination when writing their poems with me

Until the final THUNDERCRACK BLAST of the 3.30 home time bell signals a lemming-like front gate exodus...

Yes, school's out

But yesterday's 'freedom' is today's prison

Fri 29 May 2020

Zoom is one of the new ways people are communicating with each other. I guess some people might even be meeting partners on Zoom...and losing them as well.

Love in a Covid Climate

What rule did I transgress

What crime did I commit

For you to smash my heart

Into the smallest bits?

It's splintered, shattered on the floor

You cut me to my very core

Remotely you walked out the door

Now you don't Zoom me anymore

We used to chat for hours

(Once I'd clicked on your link)

In our respective beds

Curled up with just a drink

With online love you knew the score

I want things as they were before

But I'm a shipwreck far from shore

Now you don't Zoom me anymore

Was my wifi too weak?

My video unclear?

My background indistinct?

My voice too quiet to hear?

Did I break some unwritten law?

All of my invites are ignored

What happened to our great rapport?

Now you don't Zoom me anymore

I thought you were the one

Since our first virtual date

Till 'old normal' resumed

The physical could wait

Our romance clearly had a flaw

I punch my keypad, fingers raw

You've changed your number – final straw!

Now you don't Zoom me anymore

(And although I remain your true believer

You don't FaceTime, WhatsApp, Skype or Instagram me

Either)

Mon 1 June 2020

The PM's key aide, Dominic Cummings, selfishly flouts strict and clear lockdown rules and gets away with it making us wonder who is really running the country. Most people are outraged, including me.

Biggest Jobs

Who's the boss, who's the flunky?

Who's the zookeeper, who's the monkey?

Who's the oily rag, who's the engineer?

Who's the puppet, who's the puppeteer?

Who's the jockey, who's the horse?

Difficult to tell of course

Who's number one? It depends on your views

But I say they're BOTH number twos

Tues 2 June 2020

The Government contradict's itself when many lockdown rules are relaxed despite its new Covid-19 alert system not moving from level four to level three (which would legitimately allow for some lockdown easing). Many suspect this the PM's 'sweetener' to distract for the Cummings' scandal.

LIES, DAMNED LIES...

I was taught π = 3.142

Of Pythagoras’ Law in trigonometry

That 1/2 as a % = 0.5

But no one ever told me that 4 = 3

Sun 7 June 2020

With less face-to-face contact with friends, family and the thousands of people (children, teachers, parents) I meet during school visits, my need for communicating and online validation is growing and with it my constant checking of social media. Bad habit!

New Notification

I'll ignore mould growing on a slice of bread

Paranoid voices inside my head

I'll ignore huge spiders crawling up both arms

Ear-splitting deafening fire alarms

I'll ignore pink stripes on our pet Dalmatian

But I can never ignore a new notification

I'll ignore burning sausages on the grill

Final demand red Council Tax bills

I'll ignore your bad breath and your tooth decay

The fact you labelled my poems cliché

I'll ignore failed attempts at punctuation??

But I can never ignore a new notification

I'll ignore the odd obsessive stalking fan

After effects of a box of All Bran

I'll ignore Count Dracula's deadliest bite

Dangerous sticks of live dynamite

I'll ignore sarcastic insinuation

But I can never ignore a new notification

I'll ignore trick and treaters at the front door

Half a maggot in an apple core

I'll ignore yellow lines when parking my car

Popcorn munchers at the cinema

I'll ignore apocalyptic conflagration

But I can never ignore a new notification

Mon 8 June 2020

As a writer I always find the constant development of language fascinating. And now I am noticing a huge influx of new Coronavirus-related words and terms in the media that have been subsequently adopted by all of us in our every day conversations.

Words in Crisis

We are now learning many new words

Coronavirus, hydroxychloroquine, covidiot

Using many new terms

Social distancing, self-isolation, flatten the curve

Giving many old words new meaning

Zoom, furlough, lockdown

Expressing many words as acronyms

PPE, NHS, SAGE

But a few words are being greatly misused

Statistics, facts, truth

Tues 9 June 2020

No government in the world is working through this crisis without making errors - that would be impossible. So why can’t ours show some honesty?

Breath

I'm holding my breath

When walking past people in the street

I'm holding my breath

When listening to the daily deaths on the news

I'm holding my breath

When greeting delivery drivers at my door

But I'm NOT holding my breath

For a Government Minister to admit

That they've made even the

Smallest

Tiniest

Teeniest

Teensiest

MISTAKE

Sat 13 June 2020

People are now permitted to form a ‘bubble’ with another household of friends or family so will no doubt be enjoying at least one of these:

Hug

Give me a hug

With warm wraparound arms

Give me a hug

Cosy, cuddly, calm

Give me a hug

So I know that you care

Give me a hug

Like a grizzly bear

Give me a hug

Your great miracle cure

Give me a hug

It's what real friends are for

Give me a hug

Make it tender and tight

Give me a hug

Anytime day or night

Give me a hug

When my spirits are low

Give me a hug

And please - never let go

Wed 17 June 2020

Whatever criticisms there have been about the Government’s conflicting messages during this crisis, one instruction has remained clear and consistent.

Wash Your Hands!

If you're covered in mud

If your thumb's dripping blood

Give that soap loads of suds

Wash your hands!

If they smell, reek and stink

Take yourself to the sink

You're not there for a drink

Wash your hands!

Wash your hands, hands, hands

Hands, hands, hands hands

WASH YOUR HANDS!

Sludge and slime on your mitt

Grub and grime, grease and grit

Then you must do your bit

Wash your hands!

So go turn on that tap

While you're singing this rap

Hit those germs with a ZAP!

Wash your hands!

Wash your hands, hands, hands

Hands, hands, hands hands

WASH YOUR HANDS!

Thurs 18 June 2020

It’s revealed that, despite our biggest National Debt since 1963 and thousands struggling with poverty caused or worsened by the pandemic, the PM is spending £900,000 to paint his jet!

On Another Plane

If you want to paint your plane then clap your hands

If you want to paint your plane then clap your hands

As you have a million spare

And you really do not care

If you want to paint your plane then clap your hands

If you want to spruce your jet just go ahead

If you want to spruce your jet just go ahead

'Cause you know that you're the boss

And don't give a monkey's toss

If you want to spruce your jet just go ahead

If you want to give a facelift to your toy

If you want to give a facelift to your toy

Plague and poverty rise fast

Yet your head's stuck up your arse

If you want to give a facelift to your toy

If you want to show us you're a heartless nob

If you want to show us you're a heartless nob

You will choose white, blue and red

Over 50000 dead

But you're gonna paint your plane so clap your hands

Yes you're gonna paint your plane so clap your hands!

Fri 3 July 2020

Travelling on London's trains and tubes for the first time since lockdown with mask on as required by Government regulations.

Mystery Man

I’m a superhero

A secret agent spying

An undercover cop

A criminal in hiding

I’m a scary stalker

A guy in fancy dress

Unidentifiable

I blend in with the rest

Find me incognito

A famous film celebrity

Mister Anonymous

Your best friend or worst enemy?

I'm ubiquitous

Star of transport, streets and queues

‘Cause when I put my mask on

I can be just who I choose

Wed 23 Sept 2020

Dedicated to so many of these W@?*@$± I have seen over the last few months.

COVIDIOT

Are you a COVIDIOT

One of those

Who don't realise you breathe

Through your mouth...

And your nose?

Tues 10 Nov 2020

A few days into lockdown 2.0 I am evaluating my choice of lockdown partner but have little doubt I picked the right one.

I Wanna Lockdown with You

Don't wanna lockdown with Adele, Tom Hardy

Helen Bonham Carter, Jamie Vardy

Scarlett Johansson? Back of the queue!

'Cause I wanna lockdown with you


Don't wanna be confined with Rishi Sunak

(A certified nymphomaniac)

Me plus Madonna won't equal two

'Cause I wanna lockdown with you

Don't wanna quarantine with Rafael Nadal

Claudia Winkleman, Simon Cowell

Even Little Mix wouldn't see me through

'Cause I wanna lockdown with you

Don't wanna be imprisoned with DiCaprio

Half the population of Mexico

Ed Sheeran as a lodger just doesn't ring true

'Cause I wanna lockdown with you


Don't wanna be lumbered with a Ninja Turtle

Vladimir Putin, Angela Merkel

But someone I can stick to like superglue

I wanna lockdown with you

Yes I do

I wanna lockdown with you

Sat 2 Jan 2021

Everyone’s doing it in lockdown - and so am I!

Exercise Bike

When building my muscles

And pumping my blood

I never get rained on

Or covered in mud

Exercise bike, exercise bike!

Exercise, exercise, exercise bike!


I'm still where I started

The very same place

Unlikely to win

Any Tour de France race


Exercise bike, exercise bike!

Exercise, exercise, exercise bike!


My two wheels are spinning

As fast as the Flash

But no need to panic

Because I can't crash


Exercise bike, exercise bike!

Exercise, exercise, exercise bike!


There's not any traffic

There aren't any jams

I'm free of all cars

Coaches, buses and trams

Exercise bike, exercise bike!

Exercise, exercise, exercise bike!

Don't want to go swimming

Play football or run

I've found a new way

To keep fit that's more fun


Exercise bike, exercise bike!

Exercise, exercise, exercise bike!


Exercise, exercise

Exercise, exercise

Exercise, exercise...

BIKE!

(PHEW!)

Thurs 7 Jan 2021

The NHS is being overrun…

Casualties

I see patients

Everywhere

On the TV news

On social media

On graphs

In statistics

In hospitals

In beds

On trolleys

In ambulances

But

When I try and find patience

It's so very hard

Sat 9 Jan 2021

Most schools are saying they haven’t received any of the thousands of laptops promised to the nation’s schools by the ever reliable (!) Gavin Williamson. This is resulting in many more children going into school/unable to learn at home, thus spreading Covid further.

Lapflop

I’ve looked in classrooms

Under chairs

In the cupboard

By the stairs

In the playground

Dinner hall

Staffroom

Field (next to our school)

In the library

Even the lav

But can’t find a single laptop, Gav


Auntie Whatshername

She's squeezing my cheek

She's pinching my nose

She ruffles my hair

Picks fluff off my clothes

She's scary and wearing

And quite overbearing

Resembles a pantomime dame

My dear AUNTIE WHATSHERNAME

She gives me a peck

She's patting my head

Suggesting “By nine

You should be in bed!”

She tries to bearhug me

She bothers and bugs me

A witch and her both look the same

My dear AUNTIE WHATSHERNAME

She eats loads of cakes

She drinks lots of tea

I run to my room

If she asks for me

She's humpy and grumpy

So warty and lumpy

And always finds time to complain

My dear AUNTIE WHATSHERNAME

She gossips and groans

She squeaks and she squawks

Without drawing breath

She constantly talks

Embarrassing, cloying

Extremely annoying

Next week she will visit again

My dear AUNTIE WHATSHERNAME

Then I'll hide away

When I hear our bell

'Cause my dear UNCLE WHATSHISNAME...

Is coming as well!