Zero is nothing

Zero is none

Zero is a number

That's less than one

Zero is hollow

A goalless draw

Zero's uninspiring

A nil-nil score

Zero is absent

A vacant stare

Neither plus nor minus

Barren and bare

Zero's deserted

An empty space

Ever unimportant

It leaves no trace

Zero is boring

A gaping hole

A void or a vacuum

Totally dull


Zero is no problem

Zero is no doubt

Zero's no pollution

Zero is no drought

Zero's no starvation

Zero is no poor

Zero is no homeless

Zero is no war

Zero's no diseases

No trouble or stress

Pick any number that you like

But I think zero's best


It's the word that you dread, it's the word that you hate

It's the word that will stop you from staying up late

There is nothing you can do to delay your fate


It's the word you detest, it's the word that you loathe

When putting on pyjamas and your nighttime clothes

Though your movie has another half-hour to go


You're still buzzing about, neither drowsy nor tired

Your high energy levels nowhere near expired

Next you hear the command that you've never admired


Mum forever insists that you follow this rule

“Otherwise you'll be falling asleep in school!”

As you wonder why your parents are incredibly cruel


So to gain your revenge, you hide every house clock

And remove the small battery from Dad's new watch

Till two bellowing voices are yelling out “STOP!”




(*...although you'll be reading secretly under your bed covers until midnight)

My Anglepoise Lamp

My anglepoise lamp

You are poised at an angle

With light that’s pure white

Beating torches and candles

Beside my computer

You stand on my desk

So sleek, silver, stylish

And bound to impress

When reading or writing

You’re illuminating

(Though if your bulb fuses

I find you frustrating)

Without you my homework 

Would not have begun

Without you my studying

Would be less fun

Though your feet are solid

Your body is bendy

You shine through the darkness

Beams brilliant and friendly

Bright, blazing and burning

Like summertime sun

Of all types of lamp

You’re my favourite one

Grandad’s Bald Patch

Grandad’s grown a bald patch on his head

Where there once was hair there is a space instead

He doesn’t need a hairbrush

He doesn’t need a comb

It’s tonnes of fun to see the sun bounce off his shiny dome

He bought himself a hoodie

A helmet and a cap

He bought himself a beret

And a woolly bobble hat

Grandad has a fallow spot out on top

Visits to his hairdresser have almost stopped

He's wishing he was younger

And not so very old

He's wishing that his noggin wasn't so over-exposed

He bought himself a helmet

Sombrero and a fez

He bought himself a Stetson

(Worn by cowboys way out West)

Grandad used to have thick curly locks

Now his nut is looking like a hole-filled sock

He sold his shampoo bottles

His hairdryer’s been flogged

I do declare his mop is bare there’s more fur on our dog

He bought himself a bowler

A toupee and a wig

He bought himself a turban

‘Cause that gap's extremely big

Grandad’s grown a bald patch on his head

Where there once was hair there is a space instead

L Plates

I broke both legs

Smashed several toes

I grazed my knees

Fractured my nose

I hit my head

I split my lip

Then jarred my jaw

And sprained my hip

I burst my lungs

Ruptured my spleen

Bruised all my back

Black, blue and green

I crushed my arm

I cracked my wrist

Lost two front teeth

(Still sorely missed)

My elbow's chipped

My ankle's numb

It hurts me to

Sit on my bum

My shoulder snapped

My spine is strained

I'm not gonna roller skate again


I've an idea that's fantastic

But it's trapped inside my head

Slowly driving me bananas

Since it woke me in my bed

It caught my imagination

Then it burrowed through my ears

Now I sit with pen and paper

In the hope a poem appears

It is yet to have a title

It is yet to have a name

Round and round it swims in circles

It's the goldfish in my brain

It needs rhythm

It needs rhyming

And alliteration too

It needs onomatopoeia

(Sound effects like “BANG!” and...“BOO!”)

It needs funny bits and sad bits

It needs adjectives and verbs

Metaphors and similes

And bucketfuls of brilliant words

Yet this poem's going nowhere

My creative powers have stopped

So can you complete it for me

Or please cure my writers' block?

There's No Cheese on the Moon

There’s no cheese on the moon

Only boulders, rocks and dust

There’s no cheese on the moon

You’ll not spot a cheesy crust

It’s a satellite in space

Unfit for the human race

“There’s no cheese on the moon”

Are the words Neil Armstrong said

There’s no cheese on the moon

So no need to take some bread

It’s a place that’s grim and grey

Don’t go there on holiday

There’s no cheese on the moon

No Red Leicester, Cheddar, Brie

There’s no cheese on the moon

Edam, Gouda, Caerphilly

Please select another snack

Fruit or biscuits when you pack

There’s no cheese on the moon

Gorgonzola’s never found

There’s no cheese on the moon

Wensleydale’s nowhere around

Dairy products can’t be seen

Yogurt, butter, milk or cream

Yes, there’s no cheese on the moon 

I’ll reveal the reason now 

There’s no cheese on the moon

‘Cause there are not any cows!






































I searched a list of appropriate adverbs

For this poem’s title

Until finally finding one that fitted...

Moon Landing Worries

When I was ten years old 

I sat on the floor

In front of our black and white TV

Wearing only my pyjamas

Watching in amazement

As Neil Armstrong stepped onto the Moon


But I was extremely worried

What if he ran out of oxygen?

What if the Moon really was made of cheese?

What if his rocket did not have enough fuel for the journey home?

What if he was attacked by nasty little green aliens?

Why did Neil spell his name N.E.I.L and not N.E.A.L like me?

What if he felt lonely, frightened or homesick?

But what worried me more than ANYTHING was...




Could he go to the toilet?

“Beware of the Dog!”

“Beware of the Dog!”

He's fixed his eyes on you

“Beware of the Dog!”

He practises kung fu

“Beware of the Dog!”

He packs a powerful punch

“Beware of the Dog!”

He's yet to eat his lunch

“Beware of the Dog!”

He's such a serious threat

“Beware of the Dog!”

Ask the bite-scarred vet

“Beware of the Dog!”

He's incredibly large

“Beware of the Dog!”

He's so supercharged

“Beware of the Dog!”

He devoured the postman

“Beware of the Dog!”

Or you'll be doggie toast man

“Beware of the Dog!”

He does dangerous stuff

“Beware of the Dog!”





Me and MirrorMe

Me and MirrorMe

We always agree

Living our lives

In complete harmony

Moving together

On parallel tracks

As I wave to him

I watch him wave back

He models my moods

(And has seen me nude)

He's wearing my clothes

He's eating my food

With replica bodies

Duplicate eyes

We're choreographed

And well synchronised

Our friendship's first class

Reflecting off glass

He frowns when I frown

He laughs when I laugh

If I feel lonely

We frequently chat

Though my world's 3D

And his world is flat

He's my second face

From that special place

My single twin

In the whole human race

Two people sharing

One identity

That's how it is with

Me and MirrorMe

Never Run Out of Rhymes

You can run out of milk, mangos, biscuits or beans

When you run out of butter switch to margarine

You can run out of ideas, room, space or time

But you can never run out of rhymes

You might run out of energy, patience or steam

In a heatwave you could run out of ice cream

A very sick snail may run out of slime

But you can never run out of rhymes

You can get run out in cricket or run out the door

Run out of pounds and pence and you'll end up poor

A broken Big Ben could run out of chimes

But you can never run out of rhymes

You might run out of fuel: petrol, oil or gas

If you lose too much weight you could run out of mass

Bored monkeys may run out of trees to climb

But you can never run out of rhymes

In a drought you could run out of water to drink

Prolific poets' pens might run out of black ink

And if you're stuck on 'orange' use 'lemon' or 'lime'

Then you can never run out of rhymes


I don't want to JUMP hit the floor with a thump

I don't want to DASH I could possibly crash

I don't want to PLOD I would probably look odd

I don't want to CRAWL 'cause it's no fun at all

I don't want to FLY as the sky is too high

I don't want to HOP I might find I can’t stop

I don't want to LEAP and then land in a heap

(It’s tricky to SQUIRM unless you are a worm)

I don't want to BOUND bash my feet on ground

I don't want to SKIP I will tumble or trip

I don't want to SPIN like a washing machine

I just want to BOUNCE on my new trampoline

I Don't Like Ssssssnakes

The way they feel, the way they bite

The way they curl up very tight

The way they slither 'cross the ground

The way they slide without a sound

I don't...



The way their tongues are shaped like forks

The way they never smile or talk

The way they have no hair at all

The way they cannot kick a ball

I don't...



The way they're still until they strike

The way they're rubbish riding bikes

The way there's poison in their fangs

The way they hang about in gangs

I don't...



The way they shed their scaly skins

The way they look so long and thin

The way they hide inside your bed

The way they might prefer you dead

I don't...



Cobra, rattlesnake or adder

Grass snake, python or black mamba

Boa constrictor or sidewinder

Anaconda or pit viper...

I don't...



The Seriously Scary Poem

This poem is deadly

Dark, horrible, heavy

Grey, grisly, gruesome and grim

It's frighteningly fearful

Could leave you quite tearful

It does what it says on the tin

This poem's doom-laden

Don't read to children

Or when you're alone by yourself

It may melt your ice creams

Cause nightmares and bad dreams

And certainly damage your health

This poem's not comic

You'll find no jokes in it

Devoid of all humour and cheer

It's hideous, hated

Now treble-X-rated

Most strenuous, strict and severe

This poem is solemn

Repulsive and rotten

I bet you're already depressed

Mean, miserable, manic

And sure to spread panic

Don't you like the funny ones best?

Poetry Parrot

When I read my poems to my pet spider

They stir feelings deep inside her

When I read my poems to my pet lizard

He says “You're a wise word wizard”

When I read my poems to my pet kitten

She thinks they're the finest written

When I read my poems to my pet adder

Though they're fun they make him sadder

When I read my poems to my pet kiwi

She laughs till she has to wee-wee

When I read my poems to my pet capybara

He guffaws “Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!”

When I read my poems to my pet horse

She neighs...of course

When I read my poems to my pet pheasant

He tells me they're really pleasant

When I read my poems to my pet jackal

She rolls 'round and starts to cackle

When I read my poems to my pet gorilla

Watch him dance with my chinchilla

When I read my poems to my pet llama

She relaxes and grows calmer

When I read my poems to my pet red setter

He claims my rhymes can't be bettered

But when I read my pet parrot my poetry...

She reads each poem back to me!

Not a Vampire

Red sticky stuff upon my lips

Is strawberry jam

The razor teeth I'm sharpening

Are toy fake fangs

I dress in swish black velvet suits

So I look smart

Nobody's tried to drive a stake

Into my heart

You say that crosses bother me

Well that's not true

The only bats I've ever known

Are at the zoo

I'm cool with mirrors in my house

And garlic's fine

That zombie living down the street's

No mate of mine

As I won't sunbathe on the beach

My skin's snow white

I promise you I'm sound asleep

Before midnight

Thick fog around my castle

Is a morning mist

Count Dracula is fictional

He don't exist

No need to cover up your neck

When you meet me

I wouldn't drink your human blood

I'd opt for tea

Those trips to Transylvania?

I've never been

I'm really NOT a vampire

It’s just your bad dream

Don't Step on the Cracks

('Step on a crack, you'll break your mother's back' is an old saying)

Don't step on the cracks

Don't step on the cracks

Mum's back will break

For goodness sake

Don't step on the cracks

The Demon from the Paving Stone

Will rise up and grab her

I've warned you before

You're fighting a war

He might kidnap and nab her

Don't step on the cracks

Don't step on the cracks

Crossing that line

Will snap her spine

Don't step on the cracks

The Gremlin from the Underground

Will leap out and chase her

Push her in a hole

As big as a goal

Till nobody can nobody can trace her

Don't step on the cracks

Don't step on the cracks

Her bones will bust

Turn into dust

Don't step on the cracks

The Savage from the Stony Slab

Will stalk and attack her

Steal all her stuff

Treat her real rough

And permanently trap her

So don't step on the cracks

Be careful where you tread

But in trying to avoid them...

Don't walk under ladders instead!