Stinging nettles sting
Just like wasps and bees
Stinging nettles stung
Both my hands and knees
Stinging nettles sting
Nearly every time
So how do people drink
Stinging nettle wine?
My tip:
To keep yourself in fine fettle
Never, ever, ever
Grasp the nettle
When the spirits scream
When the beasties bite
When the demons dance
In the dead of night
When the serpents rise
From the stormy sea
Hiding behind the sofa
Is where you’ll find me
When the fog descends
When the sun turns black
When the gargoyles group
Ready to attack
When the wild wind wails
Like a crazed banshee
Hiding behind the sofa
Is where you’ll find me
When the creatures crawl
When the dragons roar
When the monsters mass
On the barren moor
And from the pharaoh’s tomb
Something’s broken free
Hiding behind the sofa
Is where you’ll find me
It’s too hot to stay in
Too hot to go out
Too hot to sit still
And for walking about
Too hot to sunbathe
Too hot to swim
Too hot for football
Too hot for the gym
Too hot for lessons
Too hot for play
Too hot to read
It’s too hot today!
Too hot to watch telly
To sleep and to dream
But it’s never too hot
For a bowl of ice creammmmmmmm!
There was a llama in a limo
A penguin in a pram
A capybara in a cab
A tarantula on a tram
A yak on a yacht
A turtle on a train
A beaver on a boat
A platypus on a plane
Two tigers on a tandem
A vulture in a van
A camel on a coach
A cow on a catamaran
A jellyfish on a jet
A scorpion on skates
When the zookeeper forgot to lock
The cages and zoo gates
Switch flicking
Eyes blinking
Stone dropping
Brain thinking
Nose sneezing
Hands clapping
Balloon bursting
Wings flapping
Race starting
Car crashing
Heart beating
Lightning flashing
Ball bouncing
Fingers clicking
Glass breaking
Clock ticking
Bee stinging
Text sending
Star shooting
Poem ending
Trousers can be short
medium or long
If the bottom’s at the front
you’ve put them on wrong
They come with two legs
for you to put yours through
buttons, flies and belts
to fasten or undo
They keep you warm and comfy
when walking round the town
But make sure they fit you properly
or they might fall
down
TUdark!
TUlight!
TUloose!
TUtight!
TUcheap!
TUdear!
TUfussy!
TUsevere!
TUnew!
TUold!
TUhot!
TUcold!
TUlarge!
TUsmall!
TUshort!
TUtall!
TUcasual!
TUformal!
TUweird!
TUnormal!
TUrough!
TUsleek!
TUnaff!
TUchic!
TUred!
TUblue!
TUpicky!
TUTU!
The dog was dogged
The cat was catty
The fox was foxed
The bat was batty
The fishy was fishy
The slug was sluggish
The hare was hairy
The sheepish was sheepish
The mouse was mousy
The wasp was waspish
The crab was crabby
The hawk was hawkish
The bull was bullish
The horse was hoarse
The rat was ratty
And the chicken…was chicken (of course)
People crossing busy roads without so much as a sideways look
People on public transport playing Candy Crush - why not read a book?
People I'm talking to making eye contact with their screen and not me
People using mobiles while at concerts, sports events or watching TV
People with ridiculous ringtones that should be forever banned
People whose overuse of emojis is getting totally out of hand
People playing loud music or having shouty conversations
People oversharing intimate details of their latest sexual relations
People believing all the shite spouted on social media
People constantly checking everything I say to them on Wikipedia
People cyberbullying, hurling racist, sexist and homophobic abuse
People checking messages every other minute – what's your excuse?
People scrolling rather than enjoying the company they're keeping
People stuck on their device at 3 a.m. when they should be sleeping
People pouting and trying to look cool as they're taking a selfie
PEOPLE WHO HAVE NO IDEA THAT ALL OF THE ABOVE IS NOT HEALTHY!
My inspiration's run away
Imagination’s gone astray
There’s nothing else for me to say
I’m not going to write a poem today
My mind is fuzzy, frazzled, grey
I’ve no ideas left to convey
I’d rather watch TV or play
I’m not going to write a poem today
And if you’re wondering why these verses are here
Well, I wrote this poem not today - but last year
Holes in doughnuts are full of flavour
Holes in bagels are great to savour
Holes in mint Polos are delicious
Holes in cheeses are nutritious
Holes in macaroni do just nicely
Holes in onion rings could be spicy
Holes in waffles are oh so pleasing
Holes in honeycomb might have bees in
Holes in ‘Yorkshires’ are tasty with ‘toad’ in
Holes in jacket potatoes stop them exploding
Holes in pretzels are essential
Holes in crumpets - fundamental
But holes in my bubblegum are the worst thing
Because those holes are always
b u r s t i n g !
Drape daffodils on my duvet
Place petunias on my pillow
Smother my sheets with sunflowers and snowdrops
along with wisteria and willow
In place of a comfy mattress
pile mounds of soft soil instead
So tonight when the day is done
I can sleep in a flower bed
THE 'CAPS LOCK' STUCK ON MY KEYBOARD
NOT FUNCTIONING! DAMAGED OR BROKEN?
MY TYPED WORDS WERE SHOUTING SO LOUDLY
THOUGH I WANTED THEM SOFTLY SPOKEN
MY POEM WAS NOT EASY READING
IT PUT QUITE A STRAIN ON THE EYES
I GOOGLED THE WEB FOR SOLUTIONS
TILL I GOT A REPLY FROM AI
AS INSTRUCTED, I TOOK MY COMPUTER
AND GAVE IT AN ALMIGHTY WHACK!
TURNED IT OFF, THEN TURNED IT ON AGAIN
till my lower case letters came bac
I dropped my aitches
Where did they go?
I ‘ave searched ‘igh for them
I ‘ave searched low
They were ‘ere yesterday
They were ‘ere last week
Yet now they can’t be ‘eard
When I ‘appen to speak
So heat becomes ‘eat
Hackney, ‘ackney
Hamster, ‘amster
Hungry, ‘ungry
Hiccups becomes ‘iccups
Hairy, ‘airy
These words are NOT in my dictionary!
I told my English teacher
Of this un’appy news
She said “You ‘ave no need to worry
“But… you must mind my Ps and Qs!”
My yeti is my pet he
arrived here from Tibet
At ten feet tall he's mega-huge
and always terrifies the vet
My yeti is my pet he
is my fab furry friend
Positive proof the creature's real
not made up, myth or just pretend
My yeti is my pet he
lives in our garden shed
He feeds on sushi, sausage rolls
pineapple pie and ginger bread
My yeti is my pet he
may accidentally bite
Looks scary, very hairy too
snores loudly in his bed at night
My yeti is my pet he
emits groans, growls and howls
Much, much more fun to have at home
than horses, hamsters, cats or cows
My yeti is my pet he
plays in the snow and ice
So don't tell me “HE'S ABOMINABLE!”
'Cos I think that he's kinda nice
I have volts inside my bolts
Certain to shock you with a ZAP!
Fierce and frightening as lightning
You’ll not find a stronger chap
Measure my use by your meter
I am total energy
Helping food fry, making sparks fly
I am electricity
More effective, more efficient
Than my deadly rival gas
Though I’m here you rarely see me
‘Cos I’m nearly zero mass
Still I keep your gadgets working
Whether mains or battery
With my might I keep your lights on
I am electricity
Michael Faraday’s my dad and
Mother Nature is my mum
Moving motors, generators
As I run and run and run
Flick a switch or plug a socket
Then you will awaken me
Giving power every hour
I am electricity
Buy just one, get one free
Money off – 50p
It’s another shopping spree
Mum can’t resist a bargain!
Fills her bag if it’s cheap
Every day, every week
Counting cash, saving heaps
Mum can’t resist a bargain!
Things we need, things we don’t
Fake toe nails, nanny goat
Wheelbarrow, three-armed coat
Mum can’t resist a bargain!
Spare false teeth, plastic fish
Two odd shoes, cracked pie dish
Whether it’s a hit or miss
Mum can’t resist a bargain!
Wallet, purse – feel the pain
Credit card – takes the strain
January sales again
Mum can’t resist a bargain!
Marked down goods – grabs them all
Items big, items small
Our house: junk – wall-to-wall
MUM CAN’T RESIST A BARGAIN!
A stinging nettle on my leg
A feather tickling my ear
A spider crawling 'cross my head
A spiky cactus in my rear
The sight of mould on old blue cheese
A beetle in my bed at night
My hay fever that makes me sneeze
A woolly jumper clinging tight
The cat's tail brushed against my chin
The chicken pox that I could catch
The fluff and stuff inside my bin
All these things make me itch and scratch
Some people choose to run
Some people choose to hike
Some choose a pair of roller-blades
A skateboard, horse or bike
Some people choose a bus
Some people choose a train
Some choose a tube, a tram or cab
A parachute or plane
Some people choose a truck
Some people choose their car
(Some choose to stay alone at home
Just happy where they are)
Some people choose a boat
Some people choose balloons
Some choose to ride a rocket ship
To take them to the Moon
Some people choose a sleigh
Some people choose to ski
Now tell me how do you prefer
To get from A to B?
My ears are made of cauliflower
I've a pumpkin for my head
I've an orange carrot for my nose
Two long leeks for my legs
My fingers are all sausages
Green peas make up eyes
My body's one huge marrow
My toes are small french fries
Because I am the Food Man
Your yummy scrummy mate
So eat me and enjoy me
If I'm served up on your plate