I can't write a poem

I don't know where to start

I can't write a poem

It's much, much too difficult

I can't write a poem

What if I run out of ideas half-way through?

I can't write a poem

Well I've never written one before

I can't write a poem

And I certainly can't rhyme (not even some of the time)

I can't write a poem

I'm nowhere near clever enough

I can't write a poem

Poetry's just not my thing

I can't write a poem

I can't, I can't, I can't

I can't write a poem

Can I?

Carbon Footprint

I'm your deadly carbon footprint

Lurking spectre grim and grey

Growing larger, never smaller

I will never fade away

Stalking stealthily behind you

While you live your life on Earth

I'm your stain, your deep impression

I'm your legacy, your curse

I'm your dirty carbon footprint

Don't ignore my warning sign

I'm your carelessness, your cancer

Soon consuming humankind

As you use your power electric

Coal and petrol, oil and gas

Killing nature with pollution

While you're counting up your cash

I'm your lethal carbon footprint

Leaving you a bitter taste

Eating up all of our planet

Thriving on your piles of waste

I'm your rubbish not recycled

I'm the sting that's in your tail

If you want to see tomorrow

Then you need to shrink!


Craig hides his in the cupboard in the corner of the kitchen

Lorenzo loves to eat his in a sandwich stuffed with chicken

Samantha stores hers safe and sound in her school blazer pocket

And Peter pokes his in the hole of Dad's computer socket

Francesca sticks hers in a book she's borrowed from the library

Sebastian saves his for soup he plans to cook on Friday

Khadija keeps hers as a pet insisting that is more fun

Now on the count of three please tell me where did you put your one




Black Holes

Black holes are lurking everywhere

Not just in outer space

One swallowed my maths homework

Then left without a trace

The black hole by the dinner table

Snatched my sprouts today

And possibly grabbed grandad last year

When he went away

My lost socks are on Neptune

‘Cause a black hole took them too

They ate the keeper feeding lions

Lunchtime at the zoo

Black holes steal all my self-control 

If my behaviour’s bad 

Remove my hopes and happiness

If I’m upset or sad

Dad says black holes consume our cash

Each time mum goes to shop

They gobble up the sunshine also

Making summers stop

Beware these holes are all around

Deep, endless, dark and black

And anything they suck inside 

Might NOT be coming back!


I’m a fearless firefighter on the longest ladder

A mountaineer stretching up to the top

I’m a skilled acrobat entertaining a circus

A parachutist not nervous to drop

I’m a brave astronaut in a rip-roaring rocket

A golden eagle poised ready to glide

I’m a strong superhero soaring through blue skyways 

When I’m playing on my sliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide!


Zero is nothing

Zero is none

Zero is a number

That's less than one

Zero is hollow

A goalless draw

Zero's uninspiring

A nil-nil score

Zero is absent

A vacant stare

Neither plus nor minus

Barren and bare

Zero's deserted

An empty space

Ever unimportant

It leaves no trace

Zero is boring

A gaping hole

A void or a vacuum

Totally dull


Zero is no problem

Zero is no doubt

Zero's no pollution

Zero is no drought

Zero's no starvation

Zero is no poor

Zero is no homeless

Zero is no war

Zero's no diseases

No trouble or stress

Pick any number that you like

But I think zero's best


It's the word that you dread, it's the word that you hate

It's the word that will stop you from staying up late

There is nothing you can do to delay your fate


It's the word you detest, it's the word that you loathe

When putting on pyjamas and your nighttime clothes

Though your movie has another half-hour to go


You're still buzzing about, neither drowsy nor tired

Your high energy levels nowhere near expired

Next you hear the command that you've never admired


Mum forever insists that you follow this rule

“Otherwise you'll be falling asleep in school!”

As you wonder why your parents are incredibly cruel


So to gain your revenge, you hide every house clock

And remove the small battery from Dad's new watch

Till two bellowing voices are yelling out “STOP!”




(*...although you'll be reading secretly under your bed covers until midnight)

My Anglepoise Lamp

My anglepoise lamp

You are poised at an angle

With light that’s pure white

Beating torches and candles

Beside my computer

You stand on my desk

So sleek, silver, stylish

And bound to impress

When reading or writing

You’re illuminating

(Though if your bulb fuses

I find you frustrating)

Without you my homework 

Would not have begun

Without you my studying

Would be less fun

Though your feet are solid

Your body is bendy

You shine through the darkness

Beams brilliant and friendly

Bright, blazing and burning

Like summertime sun

Of all types of lamp

You’re my favourite one

Grandad’s Bald Patch

Grandad’s grown a bald patch on his head

Where there once was hair there is a space instead

He doesn’t need a hairbrush

He doesn’t need a comb

It’s tonnes of fun to see the sun bounce off his shiny dome

He bought himself a hoodie

A helmet and a cap

He bought himself a beret

And a woolly bobble hat

Grandad has a fallow spot out on top

Visits to his hairdresser have almost stopped

He's wishing he was younger

And not so very old

He's wishing that his noggin wasn't so over-exposed

He bought himself a helmet

Sombrero and a fez

He bought himself a Stetson

(Worn by cowboys way out West)

Grandad used to have thick curly locks

Now his nut is looking like a hole-filled sock

He sold his shampoo bottles

His hairdryer’s been flogged

I do declare his mop is bare there’s more fur on our dog

He bought himself a bowler

A toupee and a wig

He bought himself a turban

‘Cause that gap's extremely big

Grandad’s grown a bald patch on his head

Where there once was hair there is a space instead

L Plates

I broke both legs

Smashed several toes

I grazed my knees

Fractured my nose

I hit my head

I split my lip

Then jarred my jaw

And sprained my hip

I burst my lungs

Ruptured my spleen

Bruised all my back

Black, blue and green

I crushed my arm

I cracked my wrist

Lost two front teeth

(Still sorely missed)

My elbow's chipped

My ankle's numb

It hurts me to

Sit on my bum

My shoulder snapped

My spine is strained

I'm not gonna roller skate again


I've an idea that's fantastic

But it's trapped inside my head

Slowly driving me bananas

Since it woke me in my bed

It caught my imagination

Then it burrowed through my ears

Now I sit with pen and paper

In the hope a poem appears

It is yet to have a title

It is yet to have a name

Round and round it swims in circles

It's the goldfish in my brain

It needs rhythm

It needs rhyming

And alliteration too

It needs onomatopoeia

(Sound effects like “BANG!” and...“BOO!”)

It needs funny bits and sad bits

It needs adjectives and verbs

Metaphors and similes

And bucketfuls of brilliant words

Yet this poem's going nowhere

My creative powers have stopped

So can you complete it for me

Or please cure my writers' block?

There's No Cheese on the Moon

There’s no cheese on the moon

Only boulders, rocks and dust

There’s no cheese on the moon

You’ll not spot a cheesy crust

It’s a satellite in space

Unfit for the human race

“There’s no cheese on the moon”

Are the words Neil Armstrong said

There’s no cheese on the moon

So no need to take some bread

It’s a place that’s grim and grey

Don’t go there on holiday

There’s no cheese on the moon

No Red Leicester, Cheddar, Brie

There’s no cheese on the moon

Edam, Gouda, Caerphilly

Please select another snack

Fruit or biscuits when you pack

There’s no cheese on the moon

Gorgonzola’s never found

There’s no cheese on the moon

Wensleydale’s nowhere around

Dairy products can’t be seen

Yogurt, butter, milk or cream

Yes, there’s no cheese on the moon 

I’ll reveal the reason now 

There’s no cheese on the moon

‘Cause there are not any cows!






































I searched a list of appropriate adverbs

For this poem’s title

Until finally finding one that fitted...

Moon Landing Worries

When I was ten years old 

I sat on the floor

In front of our black and white TV

Wearing only my pyjamas

Watching in amazement

As Neil Armstrong stepped onto the Moon


But I was extremely worried

What if he ran out of oxygen?

What if the Moon really was made of cheese?

What if his rocket did not have enough fuel for the journey home?

What if he was attacked by nasty little green aliens?

Why did Neil spell his name N.E.I.L and not N.E.A.L like me?

What if he felt lonely, frightened or homesick?

But what worried me more than ANYTHING was...




Could he go to the toilet?

“Beware of the Dog!”

“Beware of the Dog!”

He's fixed his eyes on you

“Beware of the Dog!”

He practises kung fu

“Beware of the Dog!”

He packs a powerful punch

“Beware of the Dog!”

He's yet to eat his lunch

“Beware of the Dog!”

He's such a serious threat

“Beware of the Dog!”

Ask the bite-scarred vet

“Beware of the Dog!”

He's incredibly large

“Beware of the Dog!”

He's so supercharged

“Beware of the Dog!”

He devoured the postman

“Beware of the Dog!”

Or you'll be doggie toast man

“Beware of the Dog!”

He does dangerous stuff

“Beware of the Dog!”





Me and MirrorMe

Me and MirrorMe

We always agree

Living our lives

In complete harmony

Moving together

On parallel tracks

As I wave to him

I watch him wave back

He models my moods

(And has seen me nude)

He's wearing my clothes

He's eating my food

With replica bodies

Duplicate eyes

We're choreographed

And well synchronised

Our friendship's first class

Reflecting off glass

He frowns when I frown

He laughs when I laugh

If I feel lonely

We frequently chat

Though my world's 3D

And his world is flat

He's my second face

From that special place

My single twin

In the whole human race

Two people sharing

One identity

That's how it is with

Me and MirrorMe