Not a Vampire

Red sticky stuff upon my lips

Is strawberry jam

The razor teeth I'm sharpening

Are toy fake fangs

I dress in swish black velvet suits

So I look smart

Nobody's tried to drive a stake

Into my heart


You say that crosses bother me

Well that's not true

The only bats I've ever known

Are at the zoo

I'm cool with mirrors in my house

And garlic's fine

That zombie living down the street's

No mate of mine


As I won't sunbathe on the beach

My skin's snow white

I promise you I'm sound asleep

Before midnight

Thick fog around my castle

Is a morning mist

Count Dracula is fictional

He don't exist


No need to cover up your neck

When you meet me

I wouldn't drink your human blood

I'd opt for tea

Those trips to Transylvania?

I've never been

I'm really NOT a vampire

It’s just your bad dream

Don't Step on the Cracks

('Step on a crack, you'll break your mother's back' is an old saying)


Don't step on the cracks

Don't step on the cracks

Mum's back will break

For goodness sake

Don't step on the cracks


The Demon from the Paving Stone

Will rise up and grab her

I've warned you before

You're fighting a war

He might kidnap and nab her


Don't step on the cracks

Don't step on the cracks

Crossing that line

Will snap her spine

Don't step on the cracks


The Gremlin from the Underground

Will leap out and chase her

Push her in a hole

As big as a goal

Till nobody can nobody can trace her


Don't step on the cracks

Don't step on the cracks

Her bones will bust

Turn into dust

Don't step on the cracks


The Savage from the Stony Slab

Will stalk and attack her

Steal all her stuff

Treat her real rough

And permanently trap her


So don't step on the cracks

Be careful where you tread

But in trying to avoid them...

Don't walk under ladders instead!

Fright!

It creeps up in the night

It's a fright

Flashes teeth that can bite

It's a fright

It hides underneath your bed

Worms its way into your head

It's a fright, fright, fright, fright, fright!


Whispers things in your ear

It's a fear

Words you don't want to hear

It's a fear

Digs down deep into your brain

It's a crashing, speeding train

It's a fear, fear, fear, fear, fear!


It could pounce anywhere

It's a scare

It's a wolf, it's a bear

It's a scare

It's a painful stomach punch

Causes you to lose your lunch

It's a scare, scare, scare, scare, scare!


It's a creak, crack or knock

It's a shock

Stops your watch and your clock

It's a shock

Warns you that the end is near

Makes this poem finish here

It's a shock, shock, shock, shock, shock!

 

The World's Wickedest Dentist

I recline in her chair

Thinking life isn't fair

As I try to prepare

For the ultimate scare

She digs deep in that hole

She can no longer fill

I'm caught in the clutches of Mrs Drill

While my racing heart beats

I'm admitting defeat

Regret thousands of sweets

Cakes and sugary treats

'Cause inflicting great pain

Always gives her a thrill

I'm caught in the clutches of Mrs Drill

She holds open my mouth

It's a wrestling bout

Though I yell, scream and shout

My tooth needs taking out

She says "This shouldn't hurt"

But I know that it will

I'm caught in the clutches of Mrs Drill

Now she’s numbing my gum

And enjoying her fun

With the worst yet to come

I cry “I want my Mum!”

Instruments in her hand

Closing in for the kill

I'm caught in the clutches of Mrs Drill...

The Stegosaurus Saw Us

The stegosaurus saw us 

Saw us trudge between the trees

The stegosaurus saw us 

Saw us bouncing with the breeze

The stegosaurus saw us 

Saw us prowling to the park

The stegosaurus saw us 

Saw us dancing in the dark

The stegosaurus saw us 

Saw us lope over the land

The stegosaurus saw us 

Saw us skipping on the sand

The stegosaurus saw us 

Saw us glide along the grass

The stegosaurus saw us 

Saw us up the underpass

The stegosaurus saw us 

Saw us wander through the wood

The stegosaurus saw us 

Saw us hop around his 'hood

The stegosaurus saw us 

Saw us flit across the floor

The stegosaurus saw us 

So let out a massive ROOOOOOAAAAAAR!

Greedy Sweet Shop Owner

I'm the Greedy Sweet Shop Owner

I'll eject you from my shop

Why would I sell to customers

When I can scoff the lot?

I've sherbet fountains, barley sugars

Liquorice, chocolate limes

Please view them through my window

You've no need to step inside

I've humbugs, wine gums, toffees

Candy canes and honeycomb

Don't plan to make a purchase

These are mine and mine alone

As I don't want your business

My front door is always shut

Those pear drops, chews and packs of fudge

It's me who'll eat them up

I love to live this lifestyle

I don't care about my health

Your precious pocket money

Go and spend it somewhere else

For breakfast, lunch and dinner

Give me scrumptious sugary treats

I'm the Greedy Sweet Shop Owner

So keep YOUR hands off my sweets!

Birthday Present

Thank you very much for my birthday present
I hope you don't mind
But I am not going open it

Instead
It will sit on the shelf
In my bedroom
And every day for the rest of my life
My imagination will peer inside it
And turn it into something new  
So it could be...

A ticket for the next football World Cup Final

A magic potion to turn me into an invisible wizard

The answers to all the homework questions in the whole universe

A real unhatched brontosaurus egg

Two hundred swimming seahorses 

An endless supply of hugs, love and laughter

Already
It's the best birthday present I've ever had

Mind the Gap

There's nothing in my head
A vacuum's all that's here
I try to think of different thoughts but none of them appear

My cranium's a shell
A cavern bleak and black
I cannot write a poem if my brain does not come back

Just peer through either ear
You'll gaze at empty space
The organ once between them has now gone without a trace

I'm searching for some words
They're far too hard to find
So help me please Lost Property...I'm sure I've lost my mind

Itching Chicken

My chicken is itching
My chicken is scratching
A serious illness
He tells us it's catching

In place of a cluck
He has a sharp cough
His body and face
Are covered in spots

He's feeling discomfort
A permanent tickle
He's picking and licking
And in such a pickle

He's rubbing his beak
He nibbles his claws
He pecks at his wings
He rolls round the floor

He's irritated
Aggravated
Sweaty and hot
The vet says my chicken...
Has got chicken pox

Lexicon of Leisure

Funny filled the air with laughter
Bouncy bounded round the room
Angry shouted in frustration
Bright outshone the doom and gloom
 
Friendly kissed and hugged her buddies
Sad shed sacks of salty tears
Frightened shrunk then shook in terror
Optimistic spread some cheer

Creepy crouched in his dark corner
Shy was too afraid to ask
Lonely lounged in isolation
Clever came top of her class

Till the Poet closed his notebook
Put his magic pen away
Saying
“That's enough Wordplay for everyone today!”

Bubbles

Bubbles in the air
Round but never square
Bubbles love to bubble up and bubble everywhere

Bubbles fun to blow
Bubbles grow and grow
Floating high into the sky who knows where they will go?

Bubbles in the bath
Bubbles smile and laugh
Eating bubble sandwiches would be extremely daft

Bubbles made of soap
Bubbles full of hope
Planets look like bubbles when viewed through a telescope

Bubbles drifting down
Bursting on the ground
Disappear forever with a tiny popping sound

Bubbles in the air
Round but never square
Bubbles love to bubble up and bubble everywhere

Sunburn

If you're back is cracked and peeling
There's a frazzling you're feeling
Praying for a roof or ceiling?
You've got sunburn

Far too shrivelled to perspire?
Epidermis dead and dire?
"999...help...there's a fire!"
You've got sunburn

Blame that ball up in the blue sky
Egg and bacon on you would fry
You're more orange than that Trump guy
You've got sunburn

It's too late to turn that hose on
Or to splash on some sun lotion
You're like iron with corrosion
You've got sunburn

Possibly you've been cremated
Probably incinerated
Shade should not be under-rated!
You've got sunburn

Computer Bug

I'm a nasty little computer bug
Nibble, nosh, crunch!
Eating your computer when it's time for lunch
Gnawing through the circuits
While licking on my lips
I'll hack you
I'll attack you
Gobble up those microchips 

I'm demolishing your new mobile phone
Slobber, slurp, bite!
I trick you to invite me in then I strike
Smashing every socket
Slowing down your screen
I'll creep up
I will sneak up
Melt your programmes like ice cream

I'm invading your tablet and laptop too
Dribble, burp, yum!
Chewing through your favourite game fills my tum
Feasting on your keyboard
Messing with your mouse
The direst
Of viruses
You'll fail to flush me out

You can install security software
Disconnect all plugs
But you'll never defeat this nasty little computer bug

Hands

When you cross the road give me your hand
Become an acrobat and perform a handstand
Are you telling the truth, hand on heart? 
Paint-covered hands create amazing works of art

On the third finger of their left hand
Married folk wear a gold band
You can't shake hands with a closed fist
Hold a winning hand playing trumps or whist

There are so many things hands help us do
Call a handyman or handywoman to fix a loose screw
Grab that handkerchief quick
Here it comes...aaaaaaachooooooo!

Sign language uses hands
To help people communicate and understand
Hands have four fingers and a thumb
My mum's hand used to smack my bum
When I misbehaved
Hands say "goodbye" to friends with a wave

Raise your hands if you know the right answer
You might move your hands in the air if you're a dancer
Cold hands? Cover them with gloves
Squeeze the hand of someone you love

And if you like this poem
Then as one
Clap your hands together now
Because it's done

Hands!
 

Jungle Gym

(We so loved the jungle gym climbing frame at school that classes had allocated days when they could use it. The first line of the poem was our boastful chant.) 

It's not your turn on the jungle gym!
Play hide-and-seek, hopscotch or go for a swim
It was you day yesterday so bear it and grin
It's not your turn on the jungle gym!

It's not your turn on the trampoline!
Choose dodgeball, bulldog or a different thing
I don't care if you tell me you're the King or Queen
It's not your turn on the trampoline!

It's not your turn on computer games!
(Yes some of us would rather use our brains)
Pick any other activity you'd care to name
It's not your turn on computer games!

It's not your turn on the football pitch!
How about snakes and ladders or pick up sticks?
Complain all you like you're not having a kick
It's not your turn on the football pitch!

It's not your turn on the tennis court!
Try rounders, run-outs or alternative sports
Or even kiss chase (though avoid being caught)
It's not your turn on the tennis court!

It's not your turn on the jungle gym!
You can shout and scream, make a deafening din
But remain where you are 'cause you're not coming in
It's not your turn on the jungle gym!

Good Morning!

Good morning Daniel
“Here Sir!”
Good morning Colette
“I'm NOT here Sir!”
Good morning Aaron
“Bonjour monsieur!”
Good morning Darshan
“Ill with chicken pox Sir!”
Good morning Fiona
“Still in Australia Sir!”
Good morning Victoria
“I am present, in attendance and ready to work extremely hard Sir!”
Good morning Heema
“Just been sick Sir!”
Good morning Rosa
“Konnichiwa Sir!”
Wake up Lena...
“Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz”
Good morning Marco
“Morning Miss!”
Good morning Joe F
“Hola, buenos días!”
Good morning Joe P
“Been kidnapped by aliens Sir!”
Good morning Precious
“Aye, aye Captain!”
Good morning Olivia
“Not back from last Christmas Sir!”
Good afternoon Rafael
“Late again Sir!”
Good morning Sid
“Yabba dabba doo Sir!”
Good morning Talia
“Aaaaaaaaaachooooooo!”
Good morning Gabby
“Thank you and I hope you have a very good morning too Sir”
Good morning Maya
“Sir morning good! Today backwards talking I'm!”
Good morning Eric
“Hello dad!”
Good morning Neal
Good morning Neal
GOOD MORNING NEAL ZETTER!
“Sorry Sir...I'm busy writing this poem about you calling the register!”