Just Walk

When your day's been a bit of a slog
Just walk
There's no need for the gym or a jog
Just walk
If you're stressed feeling tired and rough
Just walk
Stay away from the train or the bus
Just walk

Restless, bored with an hour to kill?
Just walk
Don't drive round in an automobile
Just walk
Free your shoes from the blues till they smile
Just walk
Pace the pavement for miles and miles
Just walk

Treat your feet - you'll be treating yourself
Just walk
Exercising, improving your health
Just walk
Down the street through the forest or park
Just walk
Why not plod, waddle, dawdle or march?
Just walk

Shuffle, strut, trek, trudge or meander
Locomote, lope, rove, roam, prance, pad or wander
Stroll, stride, step, saunter, lollop, lumber or amble
Promenade, tramp, traipse, tread, toddle or ramble
Just WALK!
 

Red Herring

(A 'red herring' is a misleading clue or piece of information which is or is not intended to be distracting)

You don't need me here yet here I am
Like a piece of junk mail in your trash can
A ruse to confuse your best-laid plan
I am a red herring

A spanner in the works
A fly in the ointment
Focus on me
You'll find disappointment
Neither on the fish counter
Nor swimming in the sea
I'm a wild card
Thrown in for free

Popping up when least expected
Ensuring attention's misdirected  
Sometimes considered, frequently rejected
I am a red herring

Muscling in on the action
Bamboozling you
The ultimate distraction
A random x-factor
In an equation
Gatecrashing parties
On every occasion
 
When will I next appear?
There's no way of knowing
I'm not even supposed be in this poem
Just a sly stowaway
Who's come out to play
I am a red herring

Haunted House

There are werewolves in the living room who
Howl! Howl! HOWL!
There are beasties in the bathroom hear them
Growl! Growl! GROWL!

In the graveyard lurk the zombies not quite
Dead! Dead! DEAD!
If you're passing through be careful where you
Tread! Tread TREAD!

Mummies resting in their coffins rattle
Chains! Chains! CHAINS!
In the kitchen ghosts and ghouls are baking
Brains! Brains! BRAINS! 

In the dining room a vampire's drinking
Blood! Blood! BLOOD!
Poltergeists prowl in the basement banging
Thud! Thud! THUD!

Wicked wizards in the tower weave their
Spells! Spells! SPELLS!
Evil witches mix their stinky potion  
Smells! Smells! SMELLS!

And the belfry's full of freaky flapping
Bats! Bats! BATS!
While the sewers run with scary squeaky
Rats! Rats! RATS!

Spiders hang upon the rooftop spinning
Webs! Webs! WEBS!
From the stairwell slime is dripping on your
Head! Head! HEAD!

Now a storm cloud is erupting with a
Crack! Crack! CRACK!
So I'm leaving in a hurry won't be
Back! Back! BACK!

I'm a Tree

I'm a tree
Very tall
Next to me
You' are small
I have leaves
Shoots and roots
Blossom, branches, nuts and fruit

Body's wood
Skin's of bark
Find me in
Streets and parks
Forests, fields
Jungles too
Breathing oxygen for you

Every spring
I wake up
Each summer
Watch me grow
By autumn
I'm ready for bed
In winter
Topped with snow

Birds build nests
In my hair
Squirrels dash
Everywhere
Spend my days
Planted here
Lived over a thousand years

Yes I'm a tree
Standing proud
Stretching up
To the clouds
I am cool
To have around
So please - don't ever cut me down!

TV Cop

I am law and order
I am on your side
Wear my badge with honour
Uniform with pride

On a daring mission
Putting wrongs to right
Tune your television
Every Friday night

Watch me on the box
Nine till ten o'clock
I'm a TV cop 

Keeping crooks and criminals
On the run
Dodging flying bullets
From each bad guy's gun

Drive a real police car
In a high-speed chase
48 more hours
Left to crack this case

Raise your hands! Halt! Stop!
Reliable as a rock
I'm a TV cop

Don't possess a first name
Or a family
Just an ace detective
Solving mysteries

If you're caught red-handed
Then you know the score
Lock you up in prison
Twenty years or more

Sharper than a shot
I come out on top
I'm a TV cop

I'm a TV cop
I'm a TV cop
Naa naa naa naa naa naa naa naa naa naa...
 

Mum and Dad are Kissing Again

Mum and Dad are kissing again
I'm too embarrassed to look
Mum and Dad are kissing again
My head hides in a book

Mum and Dad are kissing again
Though all my friends are round!
Mum and Dad are kissing again
Make squishy kissy sounds

They kiss at the dinner table
They kiss watching TV
They kiss in the kitchen
They kiss on the settee

Mum and Dad are kissing again
Both puckering their lips
Mum and Dad are kissing again
I think I'm feeling sick

Mum and Dad are kissing again
As lovebirds in a cage
Mum and Dad are kissing again
I wish they'd act their age

They kiss in the street
They kiss in the shops
They kiss in the garden
They kiss around the clock

Mum and Dad are kissing again
Such passion should be banned
Mum and Dad are kissing again
Why can't they just shake hands?

Mum and Dad are kissing again
Like Hollywood movie stars
Mum and Dad are kissing again
Mwah! 
Mwah! 
Mwah!

Signs

The sign reads
"Please Leave This Toilet As You Would Wish To Find It"
So I'm thinking
I would wish to find it...

Fitted with a massive magical machine able to dispense any flavour of jelly bean I could imagine in a split second...

Smelling of the sweetest most delicate fragrance in the universe (the yaroooz flower from the remote planet Baluha)...

Covered in hundreds of priceless rubies, emeralds, sapphires and diamonds, each one larger than a giant's thumbprint...

Surrounded by sparkling soft sand from a beautiful beach on a unknown Pacific island

But
As I can't provide any of these things
When I'm done
I'll brush
Air freshen
Flush
Gently lower the seat for the ladies
Then quietly depart...

Skeleton in the Cupboard

I've a skeleton in the cupboard
Who's looking rather thin
And all alone
Composed of bone
Devoid of any skin

He dangles on a hanger
Reveals a faceless stare
It's no surprise, he has no eyes
No heart, no brain, no hair

I've a skeleton in the cupboard
He's simply known as Fred
Stuck in a pose
Not wearing clothes
And absolutely dead

A corpse is in the closet
But cut the gloom and doom
We often chat and chew the fat
From midnight until noon

I've a skeleton in the cupboard
Above my shoes and socks
Although deceased
I'm begging please
Don't notify the cops

And tell them of my secret
Because my lifeless pal
Is chilled and cool and as a rule
Is happy anyhow

Now if you think this poem's title's just a metaphor
I suggest you visit my bedroom then... 
Carefully... 
Open the cupboard door...

Terrorise My Babysitter 

I terrorise my babysitter
What a horrid kid! 
Haunting her
Taunting her
I pinched her arm, run off and hid
She thinks she's smart
Then I outwit her
I terrorise the babysitter

What a nasty child!
Scratching her
Attacking her
Pretending her pet goldfish died
A little devil
Mean and bitter
I terrorise my babysitter 

What an awful mite!
Chucking chairs
Pulling hair
I let the tyres down on her bike
While threatening to kick
Or hit her
I terrorise my babysitter 

What a spiteful brat! 
Pick a fight
Try to bite
Stomp hard upon her brand new hat
I flood the floor
With glue and glitter
I terrorise my babysitter 

What a terrible tot!
Acting rude
Flicking food
Wipe both my sleeves on dripping snot
I trash my room
And scatter litter
I terrorise my babysitter
But tell me what would you do...
If your big sister babysat you?

Just SSSSSSNIFF!

If your nose is blocked
Closed and clogged and locked
You can't smell your socks
Just SSSSSSNIFF!

When the winter bites
Squeeze your nostrils tight
Then with all your might
Just SSSSSSNIFF!

Such a horrid noise
Nobody enjoys
Make your friends annoyed
Just SSSSSSNIFF!

Inhale fresher air
Past your nasal hair
Do it for a dare
Just SSSSSSNIFF!

It's a habit now
A disgusting row
Like a grunting sow
Just SSSSSSNIFF!

With your snout slammed shut
Suck that O2 up
Win the Sniffing Cup
Just SSSSSSNIFF!

It's the way to go
Though deep down you know
That it's best to blow
Just SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSNIFF!

Spellchecker

You're my smart spellchecker
You make my spelling better
My expert error detector
My clever character corrector
As a pal you're definitely best
To help me in my spelling test

My online poem polisher
My magical mistake demolisher
Checking spellings is what you do
Minding all my p's and q's
And every other letter of the alphabet too

My computerised dictionary
Telling me that 'necessary'
Has two s's
But just one c
So together we'll win any spelling bee

My lovely language lexicon
Providing word alternatives
In English and American
A super quick microchip
Adding extra zap and zip
To any author's accuracy

You're my text amender
My literacy defender
My first choice dyslexia fighter
Please don't ever desert me
My tremendously talented
Top, top, top
Type righter

Jellyphant

No common elephant
I'm a jellyphant
Composed of gelatine
My herd all say
“He isn't grey
“More luminous lime green”

I never stomp
I never stamp
I wobble on my feet
Most elephants
Are rough and tough
I'm yummy, soft and sweet

I'll entertain you
At the zoo
So brilliant to behold
Not jungle born
But crafted from
A massive jelly mould

I don't squirt water
From my trunk
Just cold custard or cream
Part animal
Is what I am
And part confectionery 

I squash and squidge
Sleep in a fridge
To keep my body firm
I'm a giant
Jolly jellyphant
The strangest pachyderm
 

W.A.S.P.

I'm a frightful fearful fellow
Dressed in suit of black and yellow
I'm the insect everybody hates to like
I don't care if I alarm you
I'm not bothered if I harm you
Once I've found and fixed you firmly in my sights

See me hover, see me flutter
I'm the nutter in your butter
Forming squishy squashy footprints with my feet
Such a pest and so annoying
I plan soon to be enjoying
That small pot of strawberry jam you've saved for sweet

Horrid humans do not rate me
They will constantly berate me
Much preferring buzzing bees or butterflies
Far too quick forever dodging
All your swiping and your swatting
I'm a terror though a thousandth of your size

When not bugging you for hours
I'm out pollenating flowers
Or off searching for some spiders for my tea
I suggest that you start running
'Cause my sting and I are coming
Call me W and A and S and P!

Bats! Bats! Bats!

(With special thanks to the letter B)

British, Bulgarian, Brazilian bats
Bosnian, Bermudan, Bolivian bats
Bright brainy bats
Bulging belly bats
Big bottomed bats
Blue bats buzzing
Brown bats bawling
Black bats braying
Beige bats beeping
Blonde bats burping
Bats! Bats! Bats!

Brutish bats biting bears
Bullying bats bothering bees
Bickering bats bugging birds
Baby bats being born
Brad, Brian, Billy bat
Beth, Brie, Becky bat
Beware!
Batman's buddies - bold brave bats
Battling, breaking, busting, bruising, beating
Baddie biker bats
Bats! Bats! Bats!

Bouncing bats
Boing! Boing! Boing!
Builder bats
Bish! Bash! Bosh!
Boxing bats
Bash! Bang! Bump!
Boring bed batzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Baking bread bats
Buttering baguettes
Burning bagels
Buying baps
But borrowing brioche
Babbling bats blathering  
Blah! Blah! Blah!
Before bellowing “BOO!”
Bats! Bats! Bats!

Bossy, brash, busy, boogieing, breakdancing  
Boisterous, breathtaking, bodacious, brilliant, bonnie
Bonkers, barmy, barking, bananas, batty
BATS! BATS! BATS!
(Bye-bye)

Gorilla Ballerina

Standing on tiptoe
Putting on a show
Insisting her new hobby is the best way to go
You'd think she'd be rougher, gruffer and meaner
But she's a gorilla ballerina 

She just wants the chance
To whirl, twirl and prance
And hoping one day she'll be named the Queen of the Dance
At pirouetting no animal's keener
Check out this gorilla ballerina 

In tutu or dress
She'll always impress
Revealing her much softer side, not beating her chest
You think she'd be mighty, powerful and stronger
But she's into ballet (and tango and conga) 

Gliding 'cross the floor
While the crowds cry 'more!'
A maximum ten out of ten is her usual score
You'd think she'd be deadly, a brute and a killer
But she's a ballerina who's a gorilla

I'm an Electric Eel

I'm an electric eel
Delivering shocks
An electric eel
Blowing off your socks

An electric eel
Giving you a jolt
An electric eel
Can you feel my volts?

I hang out in river beds
Touch me you might end up dead

I'm an electric eel
Even scaring sharks
An electric eel
Glowing in the dark

An electric eel
Don't eat me with chips
An electric eel
I will burn your lips

Slimy, smooth and slippery
Full of electricity

I'm an electric eel
See me splash and swim
An electric eel
Long and sleek and slim

An electric eel
With no arms or legs
An electric eel
Which end is my head?

Run on mains or battery
Looks like someone's flattened me

I'm an electric eel
Such a powerful chap
An electric eel
With a zap, zap... 
ZZZZZZZZZZZZAP!

Jellyfish

You're just composed of jelly
With a weird transparent belly
All blubbery and blobby
And your head looks like your body
You sting and spit your poison
Though I still think that you're awesome

Oh deadly creature from the sea
Are you friend or...anemone?

 

(Did you know sea anemones and jellyfish belong to the same large group of animals called cnidarians?)