Sitting on the Fence

You say it's black, she says it's white

You say it's wrong, he says it's right

You say it's a nibble, they say it's a bite

Me? I'm sitting on the fence


You say it's west, she says it's east

You say it's the most, he says it's the least

You say it's a snack, they say it's a feast

Me? I'm sitting on the fence


You say it's real, she says it's fake

You say it's a shimmy, he says it's a shake

You say it's a worm, they say it's a snake

Me? I'm sitting on the fence


You say it's pepper, she says it's salt

You say it's a zero, he says it's a nought

You say it's an oink, they say it's a snort

Me? I'm sitting on the fence


You say it's bongos, she says it's drums

You say it's a whistle, he says it's a hum

I'm counting the splinters in my bum

'Cos me? I'm sitting on the fence!

Adam the Adder

Adam is an adder

And 'is adding skills are bad

Added 'is maths teacher

“e’s the worst student I’ve ‘ad!”


Adam ‘as an abacus

That addles Adam more

Inadequate at tennis

'e can never add the score


'e'll say two add two is five

That six add four is nine

Adam ‘as an answer

But the wrong one every time


'e is able to multiply

Divide and subtract too

When Adam ‘as to add up though

'e ‘asn’t got a clue

I’m a Plantain

I’m a plantain

Not a banana

Related but different you see

My skin is much tougher

My texture is rougher

My name starts with ‘P’ not a ‘B’


I’m a plantain

Not a banana

Ok we’re both yellow - that’s true

Though my cousin’s sweeter

I’ve more centimetres

The longest one out of the two


I’m a plantain

Not a banana

Remember what this poem said

So please come and try me

To bake, boil or fry me

Don’t buy him - but buy me instead!


Rice and Peas

Rice and peas

Rice and peas

A perfect 'side' with jerk chicken please

Add it to the menu

'Cos everyone agrees

What we want for dinner is

Rice and peas

Rice and peas


Peas and rice

Peas and rice

The other way round tastes just as nice

Caribbean flavours

You have to say it twice

What we want for dinner is

Peas and rice

Peas and rice


Rice and peas

Rice and peas

Don't want ratatouille or cauliflower cheese

If you're feeling hungry

The two best foods are these

What we want for dinner is

Rice and peas

Rice and peas


Rice and peas

Rice and peas

Rice and peas

RICE AND PEAS!

Everyone Under the Sun

If we all had the same eyes

The same nose, ears and teeth

Shared the same culture and religious beliefs


If we all weighed the same

Grew to the same height

Had the same sense of wrong and right


If we all had the same hairstyle

Had identical brains

So our personalities were exactly the same


If we all held the same opinions

Never had any choice

Always spoke with the same single voice


If we all laughed at the same jokes

Wore the same clothes when dressed

Achieved the same score in exams and tests


If we all had the same skin colour

And possessed the same face

Then the world would be such a boring place


But we're all very different

Which makes life more fun

So there's room for everyone under the sun

The Kindest Kind of Cockroach

I’m the kindest kind of cockroach

No need to scream and shout

I’ll never cause you nightmares

I’ll never creep you out


Though we’ve a reputation

Of having few real fans

I urge you – get to know me more

And hold me in your hands


I’m the kindest kind of cockroach

Not here to do you harm

I could become your best friend

Your pet, your lucky charm


I won’t chew on your sandwich

Or crawl across your bed

If other roaches give you chills

Check this one out instead


I’m the kindest kind of cockroach

The gentle, caring type

There’s good and bad in all of us

So don’t believe the hype!

Behind the Sofa

When the spirits scream

When the beasties bite

When the demons dance

In the dead of night

When the serpents rise

From the stormy sea

Hiding behind the sofa

Is where you’ll find me


When the fog descends

When the sun turns black

When the gargoyles group

Ready to attack

When the wild wind wails

Like a crazed banshee

Hiding behind the sofa

Is where you’ll find me


When the creatures crawl

When the dragons roar

When the monsters mass

On the barren moor

And from the pharaoh’s tomb

Something’s broken free

Hiding behind the sofa

Is where you’ll find me

Too Hot

It’s too hot to stay in

Too hot to go out

Too hot to sit still

And for walking about


Too hot to sunbathe

Too hot to swim

Too hot for football

Too hot for the gym


Too hot for lessons

Too hot for play

Too hot to read

It’s too hot today!


Too hot to watch telly

To sleep and to dream

But it’s never too hot

For a bowl of ice creammmmmmmm!

Escaped!

There was a llama in a limo

A penguin in a pram

A capybara in a cab

A tarantula on a tram


A yak on a yacht

A turtle on a train

A beaver on a boat

A platypus on a plane


Two tigers on a tandem

A vulture in a van

A camel on a coach

A cow on a catamaran


A jellyfish on a jet

A scorpion on skates

When the zookeeper forgot to lock

The cages and zoo gates

Trousers

Trousers can be short

medium or long

If the bottom’s at the front

you’ve put them on wrong 

They come with two legs 

for you to put yours through

buttons, flies and belts

to fasten or undo

They keep you warm and comfy 

when walking round the town

But make sure they fit you properly

or they might fall

down

People Who Annoy Me On Their Mobile Phone

People crossing busy roads without so much as a sideways look

People on public transport playing Candy Crush - why not read a book?

People I'm talking to making eye contact with their screen and not me

People using mobiles while at concerts, sports events or watching TV


People with ridiculous ringtones that should be forever banned

People whose overuse of emojis is getting totally out of hand

People playing loud music or having shouty conversations

People oversharing intimate details of their latest sexual relations


People believing all the shite spouted on social media

People constantly checking everything I say to them on Wikipedia

People cyberbullying, hurling racist, sexist and homophobic abuse

People checking messages every other minute – what's your excuse?


People scrolling rather than enjoying the company they're keeping

People stuck on their device at 3 a.m. when they should be sleeping

People pouting and trying to look cool as they're taking a selfie

PEOPLE WHO HAVE NO IDEA THAT ALL OF THE ABOVE IS NOT HEALTHY!




Holey Food

Holes in doughnuts are full of flavour

Holes in bagels are great to savour

Holes in mint Polos are delicious

Holes in cheeses are nutritious

Holes in macaroni do just nicely

Holes in onion rings could be spicy

Holes in waffles are oh so pleasing

Holes in honeycomb might have bees in

Holes in ‘Yorkshires’ are tasty with ‘toad’ in

Holes in jacket potatoes stop them exploding

Holes in pretzels are essential

Holes in crumpets - fundamental

But holes in my bubblegum are the worst thing

Because those holes are always

b u r s t i n g !