New Bottom

Next birthday I want a new bottom

The one I own's terribly worn

Too boney and bumpy

Too lumpy not comfy

It's been with me since I was born


Next birthday I want a new bottom

My current butt's busted and old

Tired, droopy and baggy

Stale, shabby and saggy

In winter it's feeling the cold


Next birthday I want a new bottom

This ageing rear's splitting in two

And has a hole in it

I just want to bin it

A substitute's well overdue


Next birthday I want a new bottom

The most modern bum you can buy

With gadgets and lights on

And go faster stripes on

That won't decay, wither or die


Next birthday I want a new bottom

When showing it off to my friends

I'm hoping to hear “Neal -

“Your rump is the real deal!”

Who cares how much money you spend


Next birthday I want a new bottom

That won't cause me trouble or pain

Please purchase or hire it

I can't wait to try it

Then I can sit down once again

Truth

I love you!

I hate you!

Love you!

Hate you!

Love you!

Hate you!

Love you!

Hate you!

You make me deliriously happy and proud

You make me incredibly sad and angry

Sometimes you dazzle

Sometimes you depress

Equally beautiful, frustrating, exciting, inept

Yet we’ve stuck together

Through the highs and lows

Of our 52-year relationship

Even during the darkest days

When I admit my heart has wandered

Almost tempted elsewhere

But the TRUTH is

Whatever the future holds for us

I could never

Never

Never...

Support another football team

Warpaint!

Each 8 a.m.

She's washed and dressed

Tries hard to look her very best

To razzle, dazzle and impress

When mum applies her warpaint

Mascara's done

The blusher's out

Her lipstick lips will purse and pout

A ritual she can't live without

When mum applies her warpaint

Foundation's firm

Upon her face

Two zits are zapped without a trace

Her natural features are displaced

When mum applies her warpaint

She smooths her skin

With dabs of cream

The mirror's yelling “Beauty Queen!”

I'm thinking “Forty”, her “Nineteen”

When mum applies her warpaint

Gel fills her hair

Gold glitter too

Streaked with a tint of turquoise blue

Ten minutes and she's born anew

When mum applies her warpaint

So set to go

Begin the day

No blemishes, no lines, no grey

Our 'other mother's' on display

When mum applies her warpaint

When Dad Turns into the Incredible Hulk

He rips his jeans

His shirt and vest

Lets out a ROOOOAAAAR!

Then beats his chest

My sister shrieks, my mother sulks

When Dad turns into the Incredible Hulk


Displaying strength

That's quite obscene

White skin transforms

To emerald green

If angered there's just one result

When Dad turns into the Incredible Hulk


Feet stomp and stamp

Legs leap and bound

Tall buildings fall

From all around

His muscles bulge, his body bulks

When Dad turns into the Incredible Hulk


The neighbours hide

Shops have to close

Gales gust and woosh

Tornadoes blow

Our road is full of frightened folk

When Dad turns into the Incredible Hulk


He'll kick and punch

Smash, thrash and hit

My bedroom's broken

Left in bits

It rarely is a good result

When Dad turns into the Incredible Hulk


His fuse is lit

His temper's gone

A sonic boom

An atom bomb

We wish he was a normal bloke

When Dad turns into the Incredible Hulk


Why does he rage?

Nobody's sure

The doctors say

“There is no cure!”

Call 999 'cause it's no joke

When Dad turns into the Incredible Hulk

Two Mums

My two mums are better than one

Double the love

Double the fun

It's an easy equation, a simple sum

Two mums are better than one

Twice the mums to read to me

Twice the mums to cook my tea

How could you possibly disagree?

Two mums are better than one

My two mums are a perfect pair

Double the hugs

Double the care

Though having two mothers is rather rare

Two mums are better than one

Twice the mums to make the rules

And to pick me up from school

Mum plus another mum's totally cool

Two mums are better than one

My two mums are a super team

Double the laughs

Double ice cream

Why would I want to change anything?

Two mums are better than one

Twice the mums to buy me sweets

Twice the mums for birthday treats

Dad's are real fab but mums are so neat

Two mums are better than one

Two mums are better than one!

Part-Time Superhero

When done with my poems and finished with rhymes

I turn to a favourite pastime of mine

In body-tight costume I'm wiping out crime

I'm a part-time superhero

I stop concentrating on publishing books

Instead I climb buildings with grappling hooks

And scour the city for gangsters and crooks

I'm a part-time superhero

Diverting attention from poetry texts 

I’m strengthening muscles, displaying them pecs

Now mighty enough to floor any T-Rex

I’m a part-time superhero

I pack both my pen and my pencil away

Then switch my attention to saving the day

If filling out tax forms I frequently say

I'm a part-time superhero

Each morning creating inspiring verse

Each evening defending the whole Universe

From four-headed aliens, monsters and worse

I'm a part-time superhero

Most authors I know think me totally nuts

But many applaud me for courage and guts

With two jobs I'll never be stuck in a rut

I'm a part-time superhero

So gaze into space and you'll catch me in flight

Or down on the ground finding villains to fight

Remember, I'm not just a person who writes

I'm a part-time superhero

Night Night

All is silent

All is still

Quiet, muted

Time to chill

Shut the sun

Close the light

Hush hush

Bye bye

Night night

All is rested

All is calm

Outside cold

Inside warm

Moon hangs high

Stars beam bright

Hush hush

Bye bye 

Night night

All is peaceful 

All has stopped

Hear that pin

Gently drop

Tucked in bed

Snug and tight

Hush hush

Bye bye 

Night night

All is tranquil

All is stalled

Whole wide world

Switched to pause

Catch a dream

You just might

Hush hush

Bye bye 

Night night

Hush hush

Bye bye 

Night night

Shhhhhhhh....

Womanifesto

When women rule the world

We’ll begin letters with “Dear madam or sir”

Report to womanagers in places of work

Operate machines womanually during power cuts

Wear clothes produced from woman-made fibres

Communicate via e-femails

Find mummy longlegs clinging to bathroom walls

Hear millions of Chinese speaking Womandarin


Live in womansions if we become rich or famous

Spread womanure to help the gardens grow

Place photos, ornaments and clocks on womantlepieces

Buy fresh womango juice from supermarkets

SCREAM as Queen Kong devours New York (including Womanhatten)

Watch Womanchester United v Womanchester City in the Premiership

Replace buoys with girls in the oceans 

Walk over womanhole covers beneath our feet


And the Earth would be a safer, saner, more sensible place

With women in charge of the whole huwoman race

Free Time

Don’t want to gossip

Speak, chat, shout

Waste minutes, hours

Hangin’ out

Don’t want to sleep, snooze

Rest, nap, doze

Hum, whistle, sing, chant

Blow my nose

Don’t want to strain hard

At the gym

Dig through the rubbish

Down your bin


Don’t want to watch, spy

Glimpse, gaze, view 

Jive, foxtrot, waltz, twist

Boogaloo 

Don’t want to dine, lunch 

Snack, eat, drink

Scrub both my feet clean

In your sink

Don’t want to argue

Moan, fuss, fight

‘Cause I just want to

Sit and write

Hot Chocolate

Hot chocolate, hot chocolate

Plain or white or milk chocolate

Hot chocolate, hot chocolate

Soothing smooth as silk chocolate

Hot chocolate, hot chocolate

Flake dipped in the top chocolate

Hot chocolate, hot chocolate

Never waste a drop chocolate

Hot chocolate, hot chocolate

Dreamy, creamy, sweet chocolate

Hot chocolate, hot chocolate

Guilty pleasure treat chocolate

Hot chocolate, hot chocolate

Best served in a mug chocolate

Hot chocolate, hot chocolate

Get the hot choc bug chocolate

Hot chocolate, hot chocolate

Hot chocolate’s HOT!

Tyrannosaurus Came to Tea

(Inspired by the late Judith Kerr, author of “The Tiger Who Came to Tea”.)

Tyrannosaurus came to tea

Chaos!

Catastrophe!

Bashing down the kitchen door

Cracking tiles on our floor

Mum warned us that there'd be trouble

Living room's a pile of rubble

Tyrannosaurus came to tea

Nightmare!

Calamity!

Smashing every single plate

Leaving our house in a state

Scoffed the fridge then stuffed the freezer

Really quite a greedy geezer

Tyrannosaurus came to tea

Bedlam!

Pure anarchy!

Snarling through his gnashing teeth

Spreading dread, distress and grief

Said his favourite meal was curry

“Seconds” he roared “And please hurry!”

Tyrannosaurus came to tea

Disaster!

Tragedy!

Not a very good idea

Prehistoric monster here

Knives and forks are bent and busted

This guy clearly can't be trusted

Tyrannosaurus came to tea

Police!

Emergency!

Took the roof off when he stretched

Home is now a total wreck

Fortunately he ignored us

The moral...

NEVER feed a tyrannosaurus!

From Parliament Hill

Some people climb hills

Because they like to stretch up high

Some people climb hills

Because they want to scrape the sky

Some people climb hills

To be much closer to their god

Some people climb hills

While they are out walking their dog


Some people climb hills

Because they seek a better view

Some people climb hills

Because they’ve nothing else to do

Some people climb hills

To keep themselves extremely fit

Some people climb hills

Just for the very hell of it


Some people climb hills

Because a mountain is too tall

Some people climb hills

Because they'd rather not feel small

Some people climb hills

Without knowing where they’re going

But today I climbed this hill

So I could sit and write a poem

Miss, Can I Go to the Toilet Please?

When I'm bored, need a rest

Stuck on my spelling test

Or when a lesson has failed to impress

“Miss, can I go to the toilet please?”

When I'm sleepy and tired

Disengaged, uninspired

I raise my hand and politely enquire

“Miss, can I go to the toilet please?”

When I'm not sharp or keen

Want a quick change of scene

Wish to go somewhere to wander and dream

“Miss, can I go to the toilet please?”

When my focus is poor

Feeling anxious, unsure

I always try that reliable cure

“Miss, can I go to the toilet please?”

When the learning's bad news

I'm struck down with school blues

You know the perfect excuse that I choose

“Miss, can I go to the toilet please?”

But beware!

Yesterday

When I really, really, really, really did

Want to go to the toilet

Miss said “NO!

“You've already been five times today!”

Interstellar Mum

My mum is interstellar

Zooming up into the atmosphere

My mum is interstellar

Soaring high into the stratosphere

Longing to touch stars that twinkle above her

Tells us of alien worlds to discover

Certainly quite an unusual mother

My mum is interstellar

Frequently visiting nebulae

My mum is interstellar

Venus, Mars, Jupiter, Mercury

Says Saturn's rings are a truly unique sight

View her through telescopes round about midnight

Leaving the Earth like a bullet of bright light

My mum is interstellar

Flying away in a big tin can

My mum is interstellar

Travel the Universe - that's her plan

Thinks that more regular work would be boring

Much prefers inter-galactic exploring

Blasting off daily with space rocket roaring

My mum is interstellar

Why don't you take a leaf from her book?

My mum is interstellar

Journey the cosmos - go take a look

When I grow up I won't be a train driver

Nor own a car or become a bike rider

Mum has the best job so I'll sit beside her

Because my mum is...

INTERSTELLAR!

Buckets

I want a bucket of cool water

To pour upon my head

I want to stop using plates

And eat meals from buckets instead


A bucket of chocolate would be good

With a bucket of the finest red wine

A bucket of diamonds, silver or gold

Would be absolutely fine


I'd like a bucket of love and friendship

Now I think you get the gist

I want buckets full of many things

To add to my bucket list


Knees

Knees tremble

Knees knock

Are frequently seen

Between shorts and socks

Never knee me hard

You could seriously hurt me

Playing in the park

Knees could become dirty

Grazed, cut or bruised

Unlike feet knees need no shoes

Or hats

Already possessing their own knee caps

Shaped like two big burger baps

“Heads, shoulders, knees and toes”

A rhyme time knee song everyone knows

Bend your knees

If you are knighted

“Arise Sir Neal”

Excited! Delighted!

Scoring Cs and Ds and Es?

Then maybe you are not the bee's knees

On your knees

Completely defeated

Aching knees?

Then be seated

I've known you since your were knee-high

But now we see each other eye-to-eye

As your knees grow nearer to the sky

Have a knees up

Get things rocking

Shaking knees?

Seen something shocking?

Indeed knees can cause great satisfaction

(And I don't say that

As a knee-jerk reaction)

They're lumpy, bumpy

Wibbly, wobbly

Knobbly, bobbly

So please, please, please

Let's hear it

For our knees!

It's Okay

It's okay to burp

It's okay to barf

It's okay to fart aloud

To snigger and to laugh

It's okay to sniff and sniff

Okay to pick your nose

It's okay to scratch your bum

Okay to bite your toes

It's okay to SHOUT!

And have dirty feet

It's okay to eat ear wax

When you sit down to eat

It's okay to wet your pants

But to keep our friendship going

You must never, never, never say

“I don't like your poem!”

Can't!

I can't write a poem

I don't know where to start

I can't write a poem

It's much, much too difficult

I can't write a poem

What if I run out of ideas half-way through?

I can't write a poem

Well I've never written one before

I can't write a poem

And I certainly can't rhyme (not even some of the time)

I can't write a poem

I'm nowhere near clever enough

I can't write a poem

Poetry's just not my thing

I can't write a poem

I can't, I can't, I can't

I can't write a poem

Can I?

Carbon Footprint

I'm your deadly carbon footprint

Lurking spectre grim and grey

Growing larger, never smaller

I will never fade away

Stalking stealthily behind you

While you live your life on Earth

I'm your stain, your deep impression

I'm your legacy, your curse

I'm your dirty carbon footprint

Don't ignore my warning sign

I'm your carelessness, your cancer

Soon consuming humankind

As you use your power electric

Coal and petrol, oil and gas

Killing nature with pollution

While you're counting up your cash

I'm your lethal carbon footprint

Leaving you a bitter taste

Eating up all of our planet

Thriving on your piles of waste

I'm your rubbish not recycled

I'm the sting that's in your tail

If you want to see tomorrow

Then you need to shrink me...now!