A Pair of Pears

In the market I wanted some pears

Pointing at them I asked for two

“A pair please” I said

Thinking I meant ‘a pear’

The stallholder gave me only one pear


“No, I want two pears” I explained

Thinking I meant ‘two pairs’

The stallholder gave me three more pears

Leaving me with four pears


“Take back a pair” I requested

Thinking I meant 'a pear'

The stallholder took back one pear

Leaving me with three pears


“That’s a pear too many” I said

Thinking I meant ‘a pair’

The stallholder took back two pears

Leaving me with one pear


“But I want two pears!” I yelled

Thinking I meant ‘two pairs’

The stallholder gave me four more pears

Leaving me with five pears

Frustrated, I returned all the pears to the stallholder

And bought two oranges instead

If I Was a Mum

If I was a mum

I'd be firm but fair

Let my children choose their clothes

And how to wear their hair

Buy them toys and books

Cook delicious meals

Take them on holidays

Nurse them when they're ill


If I was a mum

I'd carry on if times were tough

Forever put my family first

In our home that's built on love

Work hard every day

To give them all I could

I’d do everything

A perfect mother should


Yes, if I was a mum

I think I'd do real fine

‘Cos if I was a mum

I'd be just like MINE!

Cheesy Poem

Lots of holes in my cheese

In my cheese lots of holes

There are more holes than cheese

When I'm making cheese rolls


Where my cheese used to be

You will see empty space

As my Gouda has gone

Holes remain in its place


'Cos a mouse found its way

To my fridge at midnight

Had a huge cheesy feast

Taking bite after bite


Now I stare at thin air

At my cheese full of gaps

Feel displeased with my cheese

So I've written this rap


Lots of holes in my cheese

In my cheese lots of holes

There are more holes than cheese

When I'm making cheese rolls





Horror Movie

I’m screaming and shrieking

At the sight of something shocking

My ice cream’s melting

Both my knees are knocking

Gloomy storm clouds gather

Sunshine turns to rain

I promise not to watch

A horror movie again


The vampires are biting

While the gremlins are attacking

My heartbeat's rapid

Noisy thunder's cracking

And a nightmare’s brewing

Deep down in my brain

I promise not to watch

A horror movie again


The banshees are howling

At the zombies stiffly walking

I drop my popcorn

Watching shadows stalking

Now there’s tap-tap-tapping

On the window pane…

I promise not to watch

A horror movie again*


(*Well, not until Halloween)


Dictionary

Does the word ‘Tyrannosaurus’ trouble you?

Does ‘cacophony’ cause much confusion?

Do you know the difference between ‘whale’ and ‘wail’

and the meaning of ‘collusion’?


Does ‘flummox’ leave you, well, flummoxed?

Does ‘carousel’ cause your brain to whirl?

Are you unsure if you use an ‘e’ or a ‘u’

as the fourth letter in ‘unfurl’?


Are you stuck spelling ‘syllable’, ‘sausage’

‘vacuum’ and ‘unnecessary’?

Then take a look

in that very special book

Go on - reach for a Dictionary

My Nose

I can wiggle it or twitch it

I can make both nostrils flare

When I catch flu – ah...ah...ah...choo!

Then it sneezes everywhere


I can sniff it or whiff with it

If I'm sleeping it might snore

It smells odours, scents, aromas

Blow it too much it gets sore


Helping me to breathe the air in

Shorter than Pinocchio's

My beak, bugle, conk, snout, sniffer

I just know it as my nose

My Geography Class

Let me introduce you to my geography class:


There’s Fin Land

Bel Gium

Alf Ghanistan

Bo Livia

Ken Ya

Beverley Hills

Victoria Falls - best friends with Alice Springs

Ari Zona

Bela Rus

The ‘Ans’: An Tigua, An Gola, An Dorra, An Tarctic

The ‘Als': Al Geria, Al Bania, Al Aska

Guy Ana

Philipp Ines

The first names only table: Jordan, Georgia, Paris, Chad

Sydney Harbour

Ben Nevis

Liby A

Oz Stralia

And, of course, our teacher is…Miss Issippi


Missing Jigsaw Piece

I’m your jigsaw’s missing piece

Who's making you see red

In the place where I should be

Is a me-shaped hole instead


You can count just four-nine-nine

Piece 500 - there’s no sign


I’m your jigsaw’s missing piece

The one that can't be found

Search the box, the wrapping too

But you'll not spot me around


Look for me all day, all week

Still I’ll win at hide-and-seek


I’m your jigsaw’s missing piece

Frustrating little chap

Absent, vanished, disappeared

While you’re staring at a gap


The moral of this poem is clear to understand

Never buy a jigsaw if it's labelled ‘second hand’