Greedy Sweet Shop Owner

I'm the Greedy Sweet Shop Owner

I'll eject you from my shop

Why would I sell to customers

When I can scoff the lot?

I've sherbet fountains, barley sugars

Liquorice, chocolate limes

Please view them through my window

You've no need to step inside

I've humbugs, wine gums, toffees

Candy canes and honeycomb

Don't plan to make a purchase

These are mine and mine alone

As I don't want your business

My front door is always shut

Those pear drops, chews and packs of fudge

It's me who'll eat them up

I love to live this lifestyle

I don't care about my health

Your precious pocket money

Go and spend it somewhere else

For breakfast, lunch and dinner

Give me scrumptious sugary treats

I'm the Greedy Sweet Shop Owner

So keep YOUR hands off my sweets!

Birthday Present

Thank you very much for my birthday present
I hope you don't mind
But I am not going open it

It will sit on the shelf
In my bedroom
And every day for the rest of my life
My imagination will peer inside it
And turn it into something new  
So it could be...

A ticket for the next football World Cup Final

A magic potion to turn me into an invisible wizard

The answers to all the homework questions in the whole universe

A real unhatched brontosaurus egg

Two hundred swimming seahorses 

An endless supply of hugs, love and laughter

It's the best birthday present I've ever had

Mind the Gap

There's nothing in my head
A vacuum's all that's here
I try to think of different thoughts but none of them appear

My cranium's a shell
A cavern bleak and black
I cannot write a poem if my brain does not come back

Just peer through either ear
You'll gaze at empty space
The organ once between them has now gone without a trace

I'm searching for some words
They're far too hard to find
So help me please Lost Property...I'm sure I've lost my mind

Itching Chicken

My chicken is itching
My chicken is scratching
A serious illness
He tells us it's catching

In place of a cluck
He has a sharp cough
His body and face
Are covered in spots

He's feeling discomfort
A permanent tickle
He's picking and licking
And in such a pickle

He's rubbing his beak
He nibbles his claws
He pecks at his wings
He rolls round the floor

He's irritated
Sweaty and hot
The vet says my chicken...
Has got chicken pox

Lexicon of Leisure

Funny filled the air with laughter
Bouncy bounded round the room
Angry shouted in frustration
Bright outshone the doom and gloom
Friendly kissed and hugged her buddies
Sad shed sacks of salty tears
Frightened shrunk then shook in terror
Optimistic spread some cheer

Creepy crouched in his dark corner
Shy was too afraid to ask
Lonely lounged in isolation
Clever came top of her class

Till the Poet closed his notebook
Put his magic pen away
“That's enough Wordplay for everyone today!”


Bubbles in the air
Round but never square
Bubbles love to bubble up and bubble everywhere

Bubbles fun to blow
Bubbles grow and grow
Floating high into the sky who knows where they will go?

Bubbles in the bath
Bubbles smile and laugh
Eating bubble sandwiches would be extremely daft

Bubbles made of soap
Bubbles full of hope
Planets look like bubbles when viewed through a telescope

Bubbles drifting down
Bursting on the ground
Disappear forever with a tiny popping sound

Bubbles in the air
Round but never square
Bubbles love to bubble up and bubble everywhere


If you're back is cracked and peeling
There's a frazzling you're feeling
Praying for a roof or ceiling?
You've got sunburn

Far too shrivelled to perspire?
Epidermis dead and dire?
"'s a fire!"
You've got sunburn

Blame that ball up in the blue sky
Egg and bacon on you would fry
You're more orange than that Trump guy
You've got sunburn

It's too late to turn that hose on
Or to splash on some sun lotion
You're like iron with corrosion
You've got sunburn

Possibly you've been cremated
Probably incinerated
Shade should not be under-rated!
You've got sunburn

Computer Bug

I'm a nasty little computer bug
Nibble, nosh, crunch!
Eating your computer when it's time for lunch
Gnawing through the circuits
While licking on my lips
I'll hack you
I'll attack you
Gobble up those microchips 

I'm demolishing your new mobile phone
Slobber, slurp, bite!
I trick you to invite me in then I strike
Smashing every socket
Slowing down your screen
I'll creep up
I will sneak up
Melt your programmes like ice cream

I'm invading your tablet and laptop too
Dribble, burp, yum!
Chewing through your favourite game fills my tum
Feasting on your keyboard
Messing with your mouse
The direst
Of viruses
You'll fail to flush me out

You can install security software
Disconnect all plugs
But you'll never defeat this nasty little computer bug


When you cross the road give me your hand
Become an acrobat and perform a handstand
Are you telling the truth, hand on heart? 
Paint-covered hands create amazing works of art

On the third finger of their left hand
Married folk wear a gold band
You can't shake hands with a closed fist
Hold a winning hand playing trumps or whist

There are so many things hands help us do
Call a handyman or handywoman to fix a loose screw
Grab that handkerchief quick
Here it comes...aaaaaaachooooooo!

Sign language uses hands
To help people communicate and understand
Hands have four fingers and a thumb
My mum's hand used to smack my bum
When I misbehaved
Hands say "goodbye" to friends with a wave

Raise your hands if you know the right answer
You might move your hands in the air if you're a dancer
Cold hands? Cover them with gloves
Squeeze the hand of someone you love

And if you like this poem
Then as one
Clap your hands together now
Because it's done


Jungle Gym

(We so loved the jungle gym climbing frame at school that classes had allocated days when they could use it. The first line of the poem was our boastful chant.) 

It's not your turn on the jungle gym!
Play hide-and-seek, hopscotch or go for a swim
It was you day yesterday so bear it and grin
It's not your turn on the jungle gym!

It's not your turn on the trampoline!
Choose dodgeball, bulldog or a different thing
I don't care if you tell me you're the King or Queen
It's not your turn on the trampoline!

It's not your turn on computer games!
(Yes some of us would rather use our brains)
Pick any other activity you'd care to name
It's not your turn on computer games!

It's not your turn on the football pitch!
How about snakes and ladders or pick up sticks?
Complain all you like you're not having a kick
It's not your turn on the football pitch!

It's not your turn on the tennis court!
Try rounders, run-outs or alternative sports
Or even kiss chase (though avoid being caught)
It's not your turn on the tennis court!

It's not your turn on the jungle gym!
You can shout and scream, make a deafening din
But remain where you are 'cause you're not coming in
It's not your turn on the jungle gym!

Good Morning!

Good morning Daniel
“Here Sir!”
Good morning Colette
“I'm NOT here Sir!”
Good morning Aaron
“Bonjour monsieur!”
Good morning Darshan
“Ill with chicken pox Sir!”
Good morning Fiona
“Still in Australia Sir!”
Good morning Victoria
“I am present, in attendance and ready to work extremely hard Sir!”
Good morning Heema
“Just been sick Sir!”
Good morning Rosa
“Konnichiwa Sir!”
Wake up Lena...
Good morning Marco
“Morning Miss!”
Good morning Joe F
“Hola, buenos días!”
Good morning Joe P
“Been kidnapped by aliens Sir!”
Good morning Precious
“Aye, aye Captain!”
Good morning Olivia
“Not back from last Christmas Sir!”
Good afternoon Rafael
“Late again Sir!”
Good morning Sid
“Yabba dabba doo Sir!”
Good morning Talia
Good morning Gabby
“Thank you and I hope you have a very good morning too Sir”
Good morning Maya
“Sir morning good! Today backwards talking I'm!”
Good morning Eric
“Hello dad!”
Good morning Neal
Good morning Neal
“Sorry Sir...I'm busy writing this poem about you calling the register!”

Bad Morning!

Snooze button
Snooze button
Snooze button
Snooze button

Grab a cup
Gulp down my juice
Too quick to taste it
No time to eat my toast
I have to waste it

The family's still asleep
But me I have to rush
To catch the bus
Or the train
Or I'll receive a 'late' mark
Yet again

I pack my bag
Slip on my shoes
While half-listening to the early morning news
Put on my jacket
Straighten up my tie
Out the door I fly!
Finally on my way
Running down the road in my school uniform
Till I hear a neighbour say

“Where you going Neal...
“It's Saturday?”

Turning the Tables

(Based on an old joke my Mum told me when I was learning my times tables)

One two is two
Two twos are four
Three twos are socks
Four twos are brains
Five twos are sheep
Six twos are ears
Seven twos are popcorn
Eight twos are teaspoons
Nine twos are fishcakes
Ten twos are beeswax
Eleven twos are handkerchieves
Twelve twos are chicken pie

“Please Sir
“I've forgotten the words...
“But I still remember the tune”

0 out of 12

The Great Fire of London began in McDonald's
The Battle of Hastings was fought in 1994
Queen Victoria was the first person on the Moon
It was Batman who started the First World War

Cavemen created the first computer games
The Vikings drove around in cars
William Shakespeare wrote only nursery rhymes
In 1985 Earth was invaded by Mars

Elvis Presley was the first US President
Dinosaurs became extinct in 2003
Florence Nightingale invented television  
And I failed all my exams in History 

Ode to PVA Glue

PVA Glue
You've a place in my heart
You hold stuff together
That once was apart
Cardboard, felt, paper
Glitter, wood, tissue
When your pot's empty
I desperately miss you

Number one gum
You make art lessons fun
As strong as cement
You are rarely undone
Silver foil, cotton
Buttons, string, plastic
Collages, models you paste
Look fantastic 

I've tried other adhesives
They just won't do
My PVA friend
I am sticking with you

Talk in Assembly

My teacher said...

“If you talk in assembly
It's a crime you're committing
If you talk in assembly
It's a sin
Such a serious matter
Do not natter
Do not chatter
If you've words in your mouth hold them in

If you talk in assembly
You'll receive a detention
If you talk in assembly
That's not good
Close your lips like a shutter
Do not mutter
Do not utter
It's a rule that must be understood

If you talk in assembly
Then expect to be punished
If you talk in assembly
You are bad
I suggest you don't blabber
Do not jaw
And do not jabber
Or the Head will meet your mum and dad

If you talk in assembly
You will end up in trouble
If you talk in assembly
Please refrain
You've been warned, do not gabble
Do not blather
Do not babble
Now I'm not going to tell you again!”

I Can't Cope with Maths

I loathe lots of long division
At a loss with logarithms
Let me watch the television
I can't cope with maths!

Algebra's a cracking headache
Calculus is too much heartache
Counting seconds till it's lunch break
I can't cope with maths 

Never been a number cruncher
Never been a digit muncher
My brain's bursting like a puncture
I can't cope with maths! 

Sick of adding and subtraction
Fed up fiddling with fractions
Rather have my legs in traction
I can't cope with maths! 

'Pi r squared' just drives me crazy
Decimals? I'm very hazy
Call me daft or dim or lazy
I can't cope with maths! 

Why's geometry invented?
Who can calculate percentage?
My mind's battered, bruised and dented
I can't cope with maths! 

The subject is a mystery
I'm great at science and history
Achieved grade A geography
Top marks in sociology
Ten out of ten in chemistry
Though pretty good at poetry
I can't cope with maths!