Planet Tesco

“Welcome to Planet Tesco”
The year is 2094
Sainsbury’s was wiped out
In the First Supermarket War
Asda and Waitrose also bit the dust
Morrisons and the Co-op
Were forced to go bust
Woolworths disappeared from the retail map
(Though no-one noticed anyway ‘cause they were so crap)
As Tesco slowly took over the planet
Stores in every corner of the globe
From Hollywood to the Isle of Thanet
And a checkout in every road
A chilling mantra filled the air
As Tesco share prices rose and rose and rose
“Welcome to Planet Tesco”
The red, white and blue of the Union Jack
Changed to Tesco red, white and blue after the first attack
The Tricolour went the same way
Then the Stars and Stripes
As mighty Tesco wielded its power
It did anything it liked
It took a seat on the Security Council of the UN
Wrote the scripts for the Nine o’clock News and News at Ten
The Red Sea became an enormous vat of Tesco Beaujolais
(So it filled up with drunken rag week students every day)
National anthems were replaced by the Tesco corporate tune
The universe’s biggest cheese counter was owned by Tesco on the moon
Capitalism was running amok
It was a death penalty offence to not wear Tesco underwear and socks
Avarice and greed
Replaced want and need
The Tesco God was venerated
“Every Little Helps” was inculcated
Smaller traders assimilated
Millions more pounds generated
To feed the ever-expanding Tesco beast
Advertising hoardings appeared in every possible place
Even in outer space
9 out of 10 aliens – when polled
Identified the Tesco logo as synonymous with the human race
“Welcome to Planet Tesco”
Third World hunger was well and truly fed
And left for dead
But its population was now obese instead
While the earth’s military did nothing as of course
Tesco owned the entire army, navy and air force
Business after business was swept aside
Under the rising Tesco tide
Despite a three billion signature petition
Then Tesco distributed a new dictionary
That excluded the word `competition’
“No comment” said the statement from a powerless Monopolies Commission
The victim of another Tesco takeover decision
“Welcome to Planet Tesco”
Some changes were obvious:
India became one huge customer call centre
Australia Tesco’s booze section and in-house brewery
South Africa was the place to go for diamonds, gold and jewellery
You bought your Christmas turkey in – well – Turkey
All your junk food from the USA
While anything broken or faulty
Was – naturally - returned to the UK
Iceland was the freezer department
Scotland sold lard and pies
When Israel refused to sell bacon and pork
That was no surprise
And despite queues stretching west to the old Berlin wall
Russia still couldn’t stock its shelves at all
But that’s the way the world had to be
When Tesco ran the economy
Tesco holidays
Tesco cars
Tesco houses
Tesco bras
Tesco computers
Tesco aeroplanes
Tesco controlling gas, electricity and water mains
“Welcome to Planet Tesco”
It’s a hellish place
BUT a nightmarish dystopian vision of the future
We’ve no need to face
Your high street doesn’t have to be a fatality
This poem paints one picture
From an infinite number of alternative realities
So you can make it stop
Don’t purchase for your pocket
Support your local corner shop
Stem the flow
Don’t give the giant cause to grow
Resist, resist
Cry “NO! NO! NO!
And say “Planet Tesco?
“It’s not where I want to go!”