Make me a pillow of fluffy marshmallow
Let me lie on a bed of rice
Wrapped in sweet sugar icing sheets
So I'm sandwiched inside snug and nice
I'll wear pyjamas made (of course) from bananas
A sponge cake mattress would be comfy and neat
And if I'm smothered in warm chocolate sauce
I'll sleep for the rest of the week
Beady eyes and pointed beak
He says "Booby", we say "Freak"
Looking strange enough to live inside a horror movie
You'll never see a bird like the blue-footed booby
If he could choose now instead
He'd prefer his tootsies red
Greedily scoffed all the fish I cooked for tea last Tuesday
You'll never see a bird like the blue-footed booby
Always he's the laughing stock
Ought to buy some long white socks
Though he tries at acting tough and rough and mean and moody
You'll never see a bird like the blue-footed booby
Will he ever get a date?
Will he ever find a mate?
Like a Disney character that's comic and cartoony
You'll never see a bird like the blue-footed booby
Standing out from any crowd
Other birds all laugh aloud
Why did Mother Nature make him wacky, weird and loopy?
You'll never see a bird like the blue-footed booby
So...
If you see a booby bird while visiting the zoo
There's no need to remind him that his feet are coloured blue!
Dave's dad's eating dog food for dinner
Dave's dad's eating dog food for tea
He tells us “Don't waste it
“It's yummy and tasty
“And every dog I know agrees”
Dave's dad's eating dog food in restaurants
Dave's dad's eating dog food in pubs
Wherever the venue
Whatever the menu
He only has one choice of grub
Dave's dad's eating dog food with custard
Dave's dad's eating dog food on toast
When he has this craving
He might pinch the gravy
You're wanting to pour on your roast
Dave's dad's eating dog food with ketchup
Dave's dad's eating dog food with cream
The doctor's remarking
“He's certainly barking
“And now seeing dog food in dreams!”
Dave's dad's eating dog food for supper
Dave's dad's eating dog food for snacks
The dog, starving hungry
Who last ate on Sunday
Is licking his lips at the cat
Dave's dad's eating dog food for breakfast
Dave's dad's eating dog food for lunch
He says “Keep your meat pies
“Fruit, salad and French fries
“'Cause dog food's the pick of the bunch!”
With a thousand nuts
And a thousand bolts
Metal, planks of wood
Plus a million volts
There's a creature born
At the crack of dawn
Frankenstein's Monster lives
Standing eight feet tall
Hear him grunt and growl
At the lightning's flash
And the werewolf's howl
Are those shrieks and shouts
From that haunted house?
Frankenstein's Monster Lives
Wearing hobnail boots
Tatty scarecrow clothes
Check his flattened head
And his ugly nose
Jagged rotten teeth
Such a frightening freak
Frankenstein's Monster Lives
Skin of grimy grey
Add a tinge of green
You can catch him soon
On a movie screen
Banging on your door?
Then you'll know for sure
Frankenstein's Monster Lives
If he's rising from his slab you
Better run or else he'll grab you
Frankenstein's Monster Lives
Pizza delivery man
Pizza delivery man
I'm the man to bring your pizza
It's my job, it's my career
Pizza delivery man
Pizza delivery man
Mushroom, onion, chicken topping
Ham, tomato, there's no stopping
Pizza delivery man
Pizza delivery man
Megasize with pepperoni
You can order if you phone me
Pizza delivery man
Pizza delivery man
Love to taste that mozzarella?
Look no further I'm your fella
Pizza delivery man
Pizza delivery man
Parsley, basil, oregano
You'll believe you're in Milano
Pizza delivery man
Pizza delivery man
Garlic bread I'm baking also
Pick your dinner from my menu
Pizza delivery man
Pizza delivery man
To your door in half an hour
Brought to you by pizza power
Pizza delivery man
Pizza delivery man
Pizza delivery man
Pizza delivery man
You say your onesie's cuddly, comfortable and cute
A warming, woolly, wonderful, one-piece sleep-in snuggly suit
But...
You wear it when you walk the dog
And in your neighbour's house
You wear it in your garden
As you're ambling about
You wear it under overcoats
When popping to the shops
This stupid fashion statement
Should immediately stop
You wear it when you're sunbathing
For journeys in the car
You wear it every dinnertime
And in dark cinemas
When friends come round to visit you
While doing household jobs
Admit it - you're just lazy
And love living like a slob
You wear it to put out the trash
And probably in the bath
Check out that mirror what you see's
Completely dim and daft
Who cares if it's your birthday
Christmas, Ramadan or Lent?
Your clothes selection must be more
Than barmy baggy tents
Please promise me this simple rule's cemented in your head
'The only way a onesie's cool is when it's worn in bed!'
Please set me extra homework
And ten tough English tests
The other students may be sweet
But I'm more sweet than them
So keen and conscientious
The perfect child I'll bet
I hang around your coattails Miss
I am the Teacher's Pet
I'm telling tales on Tariq
On Kieran, Kaz and Kim
In all class competitions
I'm guaranteed to win
Though kids say I'm the creepiest
And crawliest they've met
Still I'm boasting 'bout my grades
I am the Teacher's Pet
I always have my hand high
Just waiting to be picked
I would shine Miss's shoes for her
If I had them to lick
Who buys her sweets for break time
And won't let her forget
While many pupils think they're cool
I am the Teacher's Pet?
Miss doesn't need a goldfish
A parrot or a cat
Chinchilla or Chihuahua
A rabbit or a rat
She doesn't need a hamster
A stick insect or snake
'Cause as the Teacher's Pet I am her very special mate
Her favourite of favourites
I do not feel regret
That all at school are quite appalled
I am the Teacher's Pet
A friend is a buddy, a partner, a pal
A friend's anywhere, anytime, anyhow
When you’re facing troubles
And worries and woes
A real friend is there and will not let you go
A friend will ply your lungs with laughter
A friend will be your sticking plaster
Make you happy ever after
A safety net
A sure-fire bet
A friend is a neighbour, a backer, an aide
Who smooths your rough edges when you're worn and frayed
When loneliness beckons
Or hopelessness looms
Their kindness will catapult you to the moon
A friend will not refuse a mission
A friend will fuel your optimism
Tough cement that heals division
Erase the blue
Is what they do
A friend's a companion, a comrade a chum
There are other numbers but they're number one
When days are huge mountains
Far too tall to climb
A friend is the leg-up that's lifting you high
A friend will not have cause to doubt you
A friend won't want to live without you
Even when disaster clouts you
Secure as locks
Like solid rocks
A friend is a buddy, a partner, a pal
A friend's anywhere, anytime, anyhow
When your eyes can't open
And your tongue hangs out
When your arms are flapping
There is little doubt
You've caught that germ
That's been buzzing about
You've come down with the lurgy!
When you're taking tablets
That have no effect
When your brain feels bashed
And your body real wrecked
Green spots are spreading
'Cross your knees and neck
You've come down with the lurgy!
When you shiver like a fridge
Then you wobble like a jelly
As your toenails ache
There's a bulging in your belly
And sweat rolls down
Till you fill both your wellies
You've come down with the lurgy!
When your temperature rises
To a hundred and ten
When your ears are ringing
Like they're near Big Ben
When your feet smell worse
Than a pig in a pen
You've come down with the lurgy!
When you try to talk
Though blow bubbles instead
When the doctor's despairingly
Shaking his head
Saying “So, so sorry
“But it seems you're dead!”
You've come down with the lurgy!
I'm a failed kamikaze pilot
Due to get the sack
Flying off to missions
Then forever coming back
Always had an awful aim
Wide of targets with my plane
I'm a failed kamikaze pilot
Spot me from your ship
There's no need to panic
As you probably won't be hit
No surprise I'm still alive
Flopped since 1945
I'm a failed kamikaze pilot
Your friendly enemy
Trying hard to bash your boat
I crash into the sea
Playing golf I miss the hole
Never scored a soccer goal
I'm a failed kamikaze pilot
Sadly dodging death
I may strike the bullseye soon
But do not hold your breath
All my mates die in attacks
Seems I've not acquired that knack
I'm a failed kamikaze pilot
Killing's not my thing
Guess I'm not a kind of guy
Who's merciless and mean
If you want to win your war
Please don't call me anymore
I'm a failed kamikaze pilot
Due to get the sack
Flying off to missions
And still I'm coming back
A not much of a fun day
A sitting on your bum day
A twiddling your thumbs day
A boredom gets you numb day
An odd job to be done day
A roast that's cooked by Mum day
A who made such a dumb day?
A week's not yet begun day
A counting down to Monday
A reaching for the gun day
A hoping soon that one day
That they abolish Sunday
A list of my most favourite films
A list of sweets to eat
A list of must have computer games
A list of top ten books to read
A list of presents for Dad's birthday
A list of winners of the World Cup
A list of Kings and Queens of England
A list of what I will be when I grow up
A list of countries I really should visit
A list of things to do indoors when it rains
A list of zoo animals I'd keep as pets
A list of teachers at school with daft names
A list of friends to invite for tea
A list of New Year Resolutions for January 1st
A list of strange people who live down my street
A list of lessons I think are the worst
A list of pop star posters pinned on my wall
A list of words for this week's spelling test
A list of all numbers up to infinity
A list of dangerous dinosaurs I like the best
A list of poems I'm planning to write
A list of ingredients for carrot cake
A list of every colour in the rainbow and more
A list of girls in my class I would date
When so much stuff spins round in my head
I keep calm, don't stress and make a list instead
Yesterday my head exploded with a loud KA-BOOM!
Wanted to learn maths but found there wasn't any room
Couldn't fit more knowledge in
Now my neck just has a chin
Yesterday my head exploded with a loud KER-SPLAT!
Leaving me an empty space right underneath my hat
Tried to squeeze in one new fact
Straw that broke the camel's back
Yesterday my head exploded with a loud KA-POW!
Lost my ears, my nose, my mouth, my teeth, my hair, my brow
While my friends looked on and laughed
I sat headless in the class
Yesterday my head exploded with a loud KER-RUNCH!
Had to cease my studying, unable to eat lunch
Too much work too little play
Caused my top to blow away
Yesterday my head exploded with a loud KER-POP
As my brain has disappeared this poem has to...STOP!
Tornado Tortoise
Always lightning fast
While others plod and ponder
You see him zipping past
Never creeps and never crawls
Never stops and never stalls
Tornado Tortoise
Quickest of his kind
As friends go slow - one mile a year
He leaves them all behind
Eats ten lettuce for his tea
Fantastic velocity
Tornado Tortoise
Such an athlete!
Tiny tortoise trainers
On those tiny tortoise feet
Check out his new running kit
Don't you know he's super fit!
Tornado Tortoise
Won Olympic gold
In the creature hundred metres
Left opponents cold
Has no need to hibernate
Is he using roller skates?
I asked him
"Why are you so swift, Tornado won't you tell?"
He had a think
Then gave a wink
And said...
"I'm powered by shell!
Bad smells
Brussels sprouts
Bad smells
Mouldy trout
Bad smells
Dirty dogs
Bad smells
Squashed frogs
Bad smells
Stinky socks
Bad smells
Chicken pox
Bad smells
Pigsties
Bad smells
Dead flies
Bad smells
Rotten eggs
Bad smells
Monster breath
Bad smells
Dentists
Bad smells
Armpits
Bad smells
Green slime
Bad smells
Cheese rind
Bad smells
Mud 'n' muck
Bad smells
Yuck, yuck, yuck
Bad smells
Dustbins
Bad smells
DISGUSTING!
Choose your t-shirt with care
Do you want the world to be wowed and stare
At your uniqueness
And stand out freakiness?
Or do you prefer to blend in
Run with the pack
Shout aloud
“I'm in with the in-crowd”
Do you want a picture front and back?
V-neck? Round-neck?
Sleeves or no sleeves?
This isn't just an item of clothing
It's a statement of what you believe in!
Pick a political slogan of your choice
Provide it with a platform, give it a voice
“Sack the Government!”
“Love the Environment!”
“No Nukes – Disarmament!”
“Mandela is Innocent!*”
(*Nothing wrong with retro you understand)
Why not select your favourite singer or band?
Beatles, Stones, Ramones, Nirvana
Muse, Foo Fighters, Bananarama
Elvis, Queen, Johnny Cash
The Smiths, Oasis or the Clash?
Tight, long, large, baggy
Snug, short, small, saggy
Display a self-portrait
A Tweetie Pie cartoon
A national flag
Neil Armstrong on the moon
Replica football team kits
Pattern only tops are fine
Custom-make your own design
But hey, don't copy mine!
Choose your t-shirt with care
Beware: Don't become a square
Go where those fashion eagles dare
Though on hot days you might opt for bare-chested
Girls beware – you could get arrested
But please reject Gap, Coke, Apple, Hard Rock etcetera,
Free corporate advertising is anathema?
Stop!
Burn the lot!
Instead model a movie star
Monroe, Tarantino
Dean, Pitt, Di Nero
Or fly into action as an iconic superhero
TV programme, title of a book
Let it refine and define your look
Whatever you decide on
Choose your t-shirt with care
Like you'd choose a husband or wife
And it'll hug you and love you
For the rest of its life
It doesn't matter about shoes, suits, dresses or underwear
So long as you choose your t-shirt with care
I'm a stickman
No fingers or toes
I'm a stickman
Don't need to wear clothes
I'm a stickman
I've got a stick wife
I've been a stickman
All of my life
I'm a stickman
A bunch of black lines
I'm a stickman
See me on street signs
I'm a stickman
So thin, thin, thin
I'm a stickman
No skin, skin, skin
I'm a stickman
I've never been born
I'm a stickman
I've only been drawn
I wish I was strong and built from bricks
But I'm a stick man just made from sticks
There's a hole in the plate
A hole in the mat
A hole in the table
Scorched fur on the cat
My trousers are burning
My throat is ablaze
The pot used for cooking
Now disintegrates
A hole's in the carpet
And on the stone floor
A window has blown out
We've lost the front door
The fire brigade's coming
The flames can't be stopped
'Cause Mum's piri piri chicken was...
Hot! Hot! Hot!
There's no such thing as a Wazzock Mum said
As she turned the light off and tucked me in bed
Those shadows that shake must be all in my head
There's no such thing as a Wazzock
There's no such thing as a Wazzock you see
The creature that loves to eat children for tea
Though in the dark four eyes are following me
There's no such thing as a Wazzock
There's no such thing as a Wazzock it's true
That's why you'll not find them in cages in zoos
It's rumoured they're furry and indigo blue
There's no such thing as a Wazzock
There's no such thing as a Wazzock I know
As tall as a tree from its hat to its toe
With horns of a rhino and claws of a crow
There's no such thing as a Wazzock
There's no such thing as a Wazzock it seems
So I can sleep safely and have pleasant dreams
Why would I be woken by squawking and screams?
When there's no such thing as a Wazzock
Many of the world's top footballers have used the sport to escape their life of poverty and even refugee status:
Give him a ball so he can kick
Curl, dribble, head, learn incredible tricks
Give him a ball so he has the key
The means, the power, the hope to succeed
Give him a ball to open the door
Escape poverty, hunger, famine and war
Give him a ball - he'll exceed expectations
Find fame, wealth, health and explore foreign nations
Give him a ball to raise him high up
Win medals, trophies, perhaps the World Cup
Give him a ball then watch him soar
As his shots hit the net and the crazy crowds roar
Give him a ball and he'll never die
Give him a ball and he'll fly