Who Stuck Glue?

Who stuck glue to my pillow?
Who poured glue in my sock?
Who placed glue on our teacher's chair?
Who squirted glue in the front door lock?

Who stuck glue in my library book?
Who smeared some in my hat?
And on a pair of roller skates
That are attached to my neighbour's cat?

Who stuck glue to the TV remote?
(Now we can only watch Channel 4)
Who put glue on Grandad's wig
Which can't be removed from his head anymore?

Who stuck glue to my computer
And to the saddle of my bike?
Who nearly made me float in space
By sticking my hand to a flying kite?

Who spread glue in my sandwich
And over all my chips?
So when I try to read this poem
I cannot open my...
LIPSMMMMMMSSSSSS!

Orange Octopus

I possess eight feet
Or you might call them hands
I leave wiggly lines
As I crawl across sand
Dress me in shoes and socks
And I'll fumble and fuss
Roaming free
In the sea
I am an orange octopus

Twisting tentacles
Also known as my 'limbs'
Are what I choose to use
When I go for a swim
Though I can't ride a bike
Drive a car, coach or bus
Watch me type
Fast as light
I am an orange octopus

I don't own a pen
But I squirt mucky ink
As I make my escape
Quicker than you can blink
The name 'cephalopod' 
Is what humans gave us
Seven plus one's
More fun
I am an orange octopus

Tarantula Down Your Toilet

I'm the tarantula down your toilet
Your prowler in the pan
I want to bite and frighten you
Whatever way I can
I'll nibble on your bottom
I'll stalk you on the seat
'Cause yes you've guessed
That human flesh
Is what I love to eat

I'm the tarantula down your toilet
I've chosen here as home
Don't linger on the loo too long
While playing with your phone
For when I'm feeling hungry
My fangs will make their mark
You'd better switch the light on
If you enter after dark

I'm the tarantula down your toilet
You'll hear me splash about
Prod me, poke me, push me
But I'm never moving out
I could live in your cupboard
Your kitchen, loft or shed
Yet in this bowl is where I roll
And where I've made my bed

I'm the tarantula down your toilet
Who's causing you dismay
Don't get ideas to calm your fears
By flushing me away
My kingdom is your bathroom
Where I can wander free
So pick a new location
When you have the need to pee

Blood

It's your blood
It's your blood
It's your lubricating oil
When you're angry watch it boil
It's your blood

Platelets, plasma, haemoglobin
Mixed with white cells, mixed with red
It's the ketchup that keeps you up
Flowing from your toes to head
And without it you'd be dead

It's your blood
It's your blood
Keep it in, keep it in
Store it safely under skin
It's your blood

What do you possess five litres of
In arteries and veins
Moving oxygen around you
Pumping power to your brain?
It's not water, wine or rain

It's your blood
It's your blood
You don't want a leech to drink it
Or Count Dracula to sink it
It's your blood

It's the petrol in your engine
It's the juice that makes you tick
Poke a pin into your finger
And you'll see it drip, drip, drip
Drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip

It's your blood
It's your blood
If you lose it, need a new bit
Ask a doctor to transfuse it
It's life's liquid don't abuse it

It's your blood
It's your blood
It's your blood

Pleeeeeeeease, Mow the Lawn Dad

Pleeeeeeeease, mow the lawn Dad
It's like a jungle out there
Full of lemurs, llamas, pythons, piranhas
Raccoons, baboons and grizzly bears

There's a pretty pink porpoise
In love with a tortoise
A huge hippopotamus too
A bobtailed cat
A hog that's too fat
Who escaped from the local zoo

I spy a chinchilla
Chest-beating gorillas
A herd of wild horses stampeding
A sunbathing slug
All kinds of weird bugs
Plus a clever rhinoceros reading

A mountain goat's
Entertaining a stoat
By doing a dance with a fox
While a hoverfly sighs
As she passes by
And sits herself down on an ox

Pleeeeeeeease, mow the lawn Dad
Or at least make a start on the weeding
Salamanders and pandas
Swing from high verandas
And I can hear hyenas screeching

There's a large land snail
Checking his email
A leopard, a leech and a lark
While moles, voles and rats
And four flapping bats
Are venturing out when it's dark

On top of a sheep
(Out cold, fast asleep)
Is a dingo devouring his lunch
A wombat and wolf
Hide under the gorse
While holding their noses near skunks

So pleeeeeeeease, mow the lawn Dad
Or this problem we have will not pass
The police will be round
And new animals found
If you don't get rid of that grass!

Things Cows Can't Do

Cows can't make egg sandwiches
Cows can't play guitar
Cows can't sit a spelling test
Drive buses, trains or cars

Cows cannot throw boomerangs
Cows cannot climb trees
Cows can't run in marathons
Or join a library 

Cows can't cut your hair for you
Or wear fancy dress
Cows can't work on building sites
And certainly can't text

Cows cannot fly aeroplanes
Marry or divorce
Cows can't win a game of chess
Or gallop on a horse

Cows cannot send birthday cards
Watch the evening news
And cows can't read this poem aloud
'Cause cows can only 'MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!' 

She Said...

She said I was the one to fulfil her dreams
She said I was the flake in her tub of ice cream
She said I could take her to the moon and back
She said I was something else in the sack

She said I was her lucky lottery win
She said I was the tonic in her gin
She said I was dashing and debonaire
She said I sang like Sinatra and danced like Astaire 

She said I was the gold on her yellow brick road
She said I made her hidden passions explode
She said I was so masculine, macho and male
She said I was the wind that blew her sail

She said that my poems were the best she'd read
She said she even liked the bald patch on my head
She said I could father her twenty-two kids...
Then my wife woke me up with a dig in the ribs

Dizzy

Fab dizzy
Fun dizzy
Make my head go numb dizzy

Fast dizzy
Quick dizzy
Feeling slightly sick dizzy

Dizzy is a whirring sound
Twisting, twirling round and round

Weird dizzy
Strange dizzy
Giddying my brain dizzy

Good dizzy
Great dizzy
Floating up in space dizzy

Dizzy like a spinning top
Will it ever, ever stop?

Daft dizzy
Cool dizzy
Won't stay still at all dizzy

You dizzy
Me dizzy
Turning me into dizzy

And when you can take no more
Dizzy drops you on the floor

Fab dizzy
Fun dizzy
Make my head go numb dizzy

roken Alpha et

The alpha et is  usted and  roken
It's lost one of its letters sadly
The one that's found right after the A
And  efore the letter C

How can I have toast for  reakfast
With no  utter for my  read?
How will I get to sleep tonight
When I only have a  ed?

The  ees don't  uzz round my garden flowers
Though it's a  eautiful summer's day
My oil paints are  lack and white
So how can I make grey?

We saw a  uffalo at the zoo
And also a  ig  rown  at  
 ut I just want things as they used to  e
I want that lost letter ack

The Vacuum Cleaner's Out of Control

The vacuum cleaner's out of control
It's sucking up stuff like a massive black hole
My new hat, the cat
And some hot sausage rolls
The vacuum cleaner's out of control

The vacuum cleaner's running amok
It's given my Mum a 200-volt shock
Consuming the carpet
And several old socks
The vacuum cleaner's running amok

The vacuum cleaner's going cray-zee
It's gobbling gardens (grass, flowers and trees)
Nan's slippers, cold kippers
And billions of bees
The vacuum cleaner's going cray-zee

The vacuum cleaner's sure to explode
It's lapping up all the white lines in the road
Strange mammals (not camels)
And two tonnes of snow
The vacuum cleaner's sure to explode

The vacuum cleaner's totally wild
It's eaten a teacher and somebody's child
Four fruit flies, five mince pies
Sit in its insides
The vacuum cleaner's totally wild

The vacuum cleaner's out of control
It swallowed a football, preventing a goal
So if it's approaching
You'd better lie low
The vacuum cleaner's out of control
Oh no!
Oh no!
Oh no!
Oh no!
The vacuum cleaner's out of control

The Yak from Iraq

The Yak from Iraq
Owned an elegant shack
With a huge chimney stack
In a posh cul-de-sac

The Yak from Iraq
Always mooed, never quacked
Had a buddy called Zak
Drove a blue Cadillac 

The Yak from Iraq
Wore a pink plastic mac
Plus a pair of silk slacks
Over fur, shaggy black

The Yak from Iraq
Used to sell bric-a-brac
Odds 'n' ends and knick-knacks
That he stored in a sack

The Yak from Iraq
Sitting on the tarmac
Ate a crab for a snack
In a massive flapjack

The Yak from Iraq
Bought his suitcase and packed
Took a train down the track
And he never came back

(That's the last that we saw
Of the Yak from Iraq)

Mud

It's on the floor

It's on the ground

In parks and gardens all around

Crumbly

Bumpy

Cracky

Lumpy

Mud

It's always brown

It's never blue

It may be caked upon your shoe

Stinky

Sticky

Smelly

Icky

Mud

Where does it come from?

I don't know

It was created years ago

Messy

Mucky

Filthy

Yucky

Mud

Containing sticks 

And stones and worms

Don't eat it 'cause it's full of germs

Soaking

Soggy

Rocky

Boggy

Mud

It grows our trees

Our plants and flowers

Keeps naughty kids amused for hours

Sandy

Earthy

Disgusting

Dirty

Mud

It's Pants

The alarm wakes you up at seven o'clock
It's pants
You've lost your key and the front door's locked
It's pants
Your football team is crushed nine-nil
Your toast is burning on the grill
You have to face the dentist's drill
It's pants
It's pants
It's pants

Your little sister is driving you nuts
It's pants
Your mates are laughing at your new haircut
It's pants
You score nought in your spelling test
Miss Stonyface is not impressed
For lunch Mum's cooking watercress
It's pants
It's pants
It's pants

The cat's been sick all over the floor
It's pants
You've accidentally broken the law
It's pants
You have two left shoes but no right
Dad snores so loudly every night
Your TV has been set alight
It's pants
It's pants
It's pants

A jellyfish bites you on the bum
It's pants
You've stood in a pile of chewing gum
It's pants
“You're acting strange” the doctor said
“Your face is purple, peach and red
“And what are you wearing on your head?”
It's pants
It's pants
It's pants

Tom's Aunt is a Hippie

Tom's aunt is a hippie
Into oddball weirdo stuff
Says she wants to change the world through meditation, peace and love
Buying frilly flowery tops
From the local charity shop

Playing her folk music
Always strumming the guitar
Helps the Earth's environment, insisting she'll not own a car
Walks for miles or goes by bike
Digs the hippie way of life

Tom's aunt is a hippie
Choosing sandals or bare feet
States “I'm not a murderer, so won't be eating any meat!”
Total vegetarian
Works as a librarian

Uses words like 'groovy'
'Right on', 'far out man' and 'cool'
Hangs her washing on the line while never wearing clothes at all
Only daisy chains and beads
Dines on beans and pumpkin seeds

Tom's aunt is a hippie
Though she's rather old and grey
Joining druids at Stonehenge you'll hear her howling into space
Herbal tea's the drink she picks
Such a psychedelic chick

Wish I had a hippie aunt
I think that would be great
Even if she lived like it was 1968

Eat a Peanut

Eat a peanut
Eat a peanut
More a bush and less a tree nut
Sometimes salty like the sea nut
Eat a peanut

Eat a peanut
Eat a peanut
It's an oval in a shell nut
So much simpler to spell nut
Eat a peanut

Eat a peanut
Eat a peanut
Not a Q, R, S or T nut
The as happy as can be nut
Eat a peanut

Eat a peanut
Eat a peanut
Which attracts the highest score nut?
Whether roasted or a raw nut
Eat a peanut

Eat a peanut
Eat a peanut
If you're fancying a snack nut
It's the easiest to crack nut
Eat a peanut

Eat a peanut
Eat a peanut
Mix it up with lots of fruit nut
What's the one that monkeys choose nut?
Eat a peanut

Eat a peanut
Eat a peanut
Eat a peanut

Claude le Croissant

Je m'appelle Claude le Croissant
The alternative to bread
Why bore yourself with sandwiches?
Just purchase me instead

Je m'appelle Claude le Croissant
For your breakfast, lunch or tea
My body shape's a crescent moon
Or like the letter 'c'

You can stuff me with a salad
You can eat me with cheese spread
You can sprinkle me with almonds
Then shake sugar on my head
I have travelled here by Eurostar
From somewhere near the Med

Je m'appelle Claude le Croissant
I am neither bun nor cake
Soft and flaky I'm the pastry
That's the tastiest of bakes

Je m'appelle Claude le Croissant
I'm the favoured food of France
Other doughs try to outdo me
But they never stand a chance

You can cover me with butter
You can smother me with jam
You can serve me with a salad
You can fill me up with ham
Your companion from the Continent
Remember who I am

Je m'appelle Claude le Croissant
Star of your patisserie
If you bite me and you like me
Shout out “Oui! Oui! Oui!”

Captain Polystyrene

There's a hero who's unusual
And some say most peculiar
Who's not composed of silver, steel or rock
He looks ready to expire
Melts away in any fire
He's Captain Polystyrene
And he's not much cop

Weedy as a tiny feather
Watch him crumble in bad weather
Never giving people confidence at all
There's nobody who is lighter
There's nobody who is whiter
He's Captain Polystyrene
And he's so uncool

He may break up during battle
Even when in fights with cattle
He is weaker than a milky cup of tea
With a face that's full of pimples
And a body full of dimples
He's Captain Polystyrene
A catastrophe

No-one cares when he's attacking
Once this guy was used in packing
He's constructed from some old leftover scraps
Flexing muscles far too little
He's a polymer who's brittle
He's Captain Polystyrene
Quite a useless chap

Yes he's really unfantastic
Strictly speaking he's a plastic
And his enemy's the fragile Colonel Glass
With frail frames they both are lumbered
I think that their days are numbered
He's Captain Polystyrene
You should call him last 

Odd Socks

Odd socks are all I ever wear
I cannot make a matching pair

Which one vanished in the night?
My sock that's coloured white

Which one got chewed by the cat?
My sock that's coloured black

Which one fell into the sink
My sock that's coloured pink

Which one disappeared from town?
My sock that's coloured brown

Which one did Mum set alight?
My sock with orange stripes

Which one was lost under my bed?
My sock that's coloured red

Which one was advertised and sold?
My sock that's coloured gold

Which one got stuck in the washing machine?
My sock that's coloured green

Which one upped and ran away?
My sock that's coloured grey

Which one was tangled up in knots?
My sock with purple spots

Which one hid inside my shoe?
My sock that's coloured blue

And which one did I have stolen?
My sock that had a big hole in! 

Odd socks are all I ever wear
I cannot make a matching pair

SSSSNAP! Mr Shark

SSSSNAP! 
Mister Shark don't bite my hand!
SSSSNAP! 
Mister Shark don't bite my toes!
SSSSNAP! 
Mister Shark don't bite my ear!
SSSSNAP! 
Mister Shark don't bite my nose!

SSSSNAP! 
Mister Shark don't bite my chest!
SSSSNAP! 
Mister Shark don't bite my cheek!
SSSSNAP! 
Mister Shark don't bite my hair!
SSSSNAP! 
Mister Shark don't bite my feet!

SSSSNAP! 
Mister Shark don't bite my knee!
SSSSNAP! 
Mister Shark don't bite my thumb!
SSSSNAP! 
Mister Shark don't bite my back!
SSSSNAP! 
Mister Shark don't bite my bum!

Mister Shark please don't eat me up!
Mister Shark please keep your jaws shut!
SSSSNAP!

Shine

When there's gleaming in you eye
And a beaming in the sky
When the whole world is fluorescent
With a glow of luminescence
Through the chaos it's the time
For Shine

Light electric that surrounds
Scorching grass upon the ground
Supervillains run for cover
She has brightness like no other
Now it has to be the time
For Shine

As a scintillating jewel
Burning neverending fuel
Is she human is she creature?
Is she more a force of nature?
When there's danger it's the time
For Shine

There's no night there's only day
You'll conceal yourself in shade
Spreading solar radiation
Queen of all illumination
Where there's darkness it's the time
For Shine