PVA Glue
You've a place in my heart
You hold stuff together
That once was apart
Cardboard, felt, paper
Glitter, wood, tissue
When your pot's empty
I desperately miss you
Number one gum
You make art lessons fun
As strong as cement
You are rarely undone
Silver foil, cotton
Buttons, string, plastic
Collages, models you paste
Look fantastic
I've tried other adhesives
They just won't do
My PVA friend
I am sticking with you
My teacher said...
“If you talk in assembly
It's a crime you're committing
If you talk in assembly
It's a sin
Such a serious matter
Do not natter
Do not chatter
If you've words in your mouth hold them in
If you talk in assembly
You'll receive a detention
If you talk in assembly
That's not good
Close your lips like a shutter
Do not mutter
Do not utter
It's a rule that must be understood
If you talk in assembly
Then expect to be punished
If you talk in assembly
You are bad
I suggest you don't blabber
Do not jaw
And do not jabber
Or the Head will meet your mum and dad
If you talk in assembly
You will end up in trouble
If you talk in assembly
Please refrain
You've been warned, do not gabble
Do not blather
Do not babble
Now I'm not going to tell you again!”
I loathe lots of long division
At a loss with logarithms
Let me watch the television
I can't cope with maths!
Algebra's a cracking headache
Calculus is too much heartache
Counting seconds till it's lunch break
I can't cope with maths
Never been a number cruncher
Never been a digit muncher
My brain's bursting like a puncture
I can't cope with maths!
Sick of adding and subtraction
Fed up fiddling with fractions
Rather have my legs in traction
I can't cope with maths!
'Pi r squared' just drives me crazy
Decimals? I'm very hazy
Call me daft or dim or lazy
I can't cope with maths!
Why's geometry invented?
Who can calculate percentage?
My mind's battered, bruised and dented
I can't cope with maths!
The subject is a mystery
I'm great at science and history
Achieved grade A geography
Top marks in sociology
Ten out of ten in chemistry
Though pretty good at poetry
I can't cope with maths!
I hate you!
Hate you!
Hate you!
Hate you!
Want to chop and cut and grate you
Burn you up by barbecuing
Baking, boiling, steaming, stewing
Roast you for a ratatouille
You'll not beat me or outdo me
I'll toast you in a cheese ciabatta
Fry you up in melted butter
Serve you in a soup for starter
As you drown you'll hear my laughter
Taking pleasure as you die
'Cause onion...
Too many times you've made me cry*
(*So that's shallot)
I want to marry my teacher
Though it's against the rules
Each day she'd grant me four hours play
And make me Head Boy of the school
She'd show me every answer
To all exams I'd sit
Excuse me from my classwork
While for lunch she'd serve me extra chips
Some might say this arrangement
Would be not fair or right
But if Miss was my missus
Then I could do anything I liked
She'd let me go home early
Skip lessons that I hate
Ten tens, no naughts in my reports
At half-past nine I'd crawl in late
My punishments, detentions
I would choose to ignore
And help myself to house-points
Until nobody could beat my score
I want to marry my teacher
To have an easy life
So on my knees I'm begging
“Please Miss, promise that you'll be my wife!"
When your day's been a bit of a slog
Just walk
There's no need for the gym or a jog
Just walk
If you're stressed feeling tired and rough
Just walk
Stay away from the train or the bus
Just walk
Restless, bored with an hour to kill?
Just walk
Don't drive round in an automobile
Just walk
Free your shoes from the blues till they smile
Just walk
Pace the pavement for miles and miles
Just walk
Treat your feet - you'll be treating yourself
Just walk
Exercising, improving your health
Just walk
Down the street through the forest or park
Just walk
Why not plod, waddle, dawdle or march?
Just walk
Shuffle, strut, trek, trudge or meander
Locomote, lope, rove, roam, prance, pad or wander
Stroll, stride, step, saunter, lollop, lumber or amble
Promenade, tramp, traipse, tread, toddle or ramble
Just WALK!
(A 'red herring' is a misleading clue or piece of information which is or is not intended to be distracting)
You don't need me here yet here I am
Like a piece of junk mail in your trash can
A ruse to confuse your best-laid plan
I am a red herring
A spanner in the works
A fly in the ointment
Focus on me
You'll find disappointment
Neither on the fish counter
Nor swimming in the sea
I'm a wild card
Thrown in for free
Popping up when least expected
Ensuring attention's misdirected
Sometimes considered, frequently rejected
I am a red herring
Muscling in on the action
Bamboozling you
The ultimate distraction
A random x-factor
In an equation
Gatecrashing parties
On every occasion
When will I next appear?
There's no way of knowing
I'm not even supposed be in this poem
Just a sly stowaway
Who's come out to play
I am a red herring
There are werewolves in the living room who
Howl! Howl! HOWL!
There are beasties in the bathroom hear them
Growl! Growl! GROWL!
In the graveyard lurk the zombies not quite
Dead! Dead! DEAD!
If you're passing through be careful where you
Tread! Tread TREAD!
Mummies resting in their coffins rattle
Chains! Chains! CHAINS!
In the kitchen ghosts and ghouls are baking
Brains! Brains! BRAINS!
In the dining room a vampire's drinking
Blood! Blood! BLOOD!
Poltergeists prowl in the basement banging
Thud! Thud! THUD!
Wicked wizards in the tower weave their
Spells! Spells! SPELLS!
Evil witches mix their stinky potion
Smells! Smells! SMELLS!
And the belfry's full of freaky flapping
Bats! Bats! BATS!
While the sewers run with scary squeaky
Rats! Rats! RATS!
Spiders hang upon the rooftop spinning
Webs! Webs! WEBS!
From the stairwell slime is dripping on your
Head! Head! HEAD!
Now a storm cloud is erupting with a
Crack! Crack! CRACK!
So I'm leaving in a hurry won't be
Back! Back! BACK!
I'm a tree
Very tall
Next to me
You' are small
I have leaves
Shoots and roots
Blossom, branches, nuts and fruit
Body's wood
Skin's of bark
Find me in
Streets and parks
Forests, fields
Jungles too
Breathing oxygen for you
Every spring
I wake up
Each summer
Watch me grow
By autumn
I'm ready for bed
In winter
Topped with snow
Birds build nests
In my hair
Squirrels dash
Everywhere
Spend my days
Planted here
Lived over a thousand years
Yes I'm a tree
Standing proud
Stretching up
To the clouds
I am cool
To have around
So please - don't ever cut me down!
I am law and order
I am on your side
Wear my badge with honour
Uniform with pride
On a daring mission
Putting wrongs to right
Tune your television
Every Friday night
Watch me on the box
Nine till ten o'clock
I'm a TV cop
Keeping crooks and criminals
On the run
Dodging flying bullets
From each bad guy's gun
Drive a real police car
In a high-speed chase
48 more hours
Left to crack this case
Raise your hands! Halt! Stop!
Reliable as a rock
I'm a TV cop
Don't possess a first name
Or a family
Just an ace detective
Solving mysteries
If you're caught red-handed
Then you know the score
Lock you up in prison
Twenty years or more
Sharper than a shot
I come out on top
I'm a TV cop
I'm a TV cop
I'm a TV cop
Mum and Dad are kissing again
I'm too embarrassed to look
Mum and Dad are kissing again
My head hides in a book
Mum and Dad are kissing again
Though all my friends are round!
Mum and Dad are kissing again
Make squishy kissy sounds
They kiss at the dinner table
They kiss watching TV
They kiss in the kitchen
They kiss on the settee
Mum and Dad are kissing again
Both puckering their lips
Mum and Dad are kissing again
I think I'm feeling sick
Mum and Dad are kissing again
As lovebirds in a cage
Mum and Dad are kissing again
I wish they'd act their age
They kiss in the street
They kiss in the shops
They kiss in the garden
They kiss around the clock
Mum and Dad are kissing again
Such passion should be banned
Mum and Dad are kissing again
Why can't they just shake hands?
Mum and Dad are kissing again
Like Hollywood movie stars
Mum and Dad are kissing again
Mwah!
Mwah!
Mwah!
The sign reads
"Please Leave This Toilet As You Would Wish To Find It"
So I'm thinking
I would wish to find it...
Fitted with a massive magical machine able to dispense any flavour of jelly bean I could imagine in a split second...
Smelling of the sweetest most delicate fragrance in the universe (the yaroooz flower from the remote planet Baluha)...
Covered in hundreds of priceless rubies, emeralds, sapphires and diamonds, each one larger than a giant's thumbprint...
Surrounded by sparkling soft sand from a beautiful beach on a unknown Pacific island
But
As I can't provide any of these things
When I'm done
I'll brush
Air freshen
Flush
Gently lower the seat for the ladies
Then quietly depart...
I've a skeleton in the cupboard
Who's looking rather thin
And all alone
Composed of bone
Devoid of any skin
He dangles on a hanger
Reveals a faceless stare
It's no surprise, he has no eyes
No heart, no brain, no hair
I've a skeleton in the cupboard
He's simply known as Fred
Stuck in a pose
Not wearing clothes
And absolutely dead
A corpse is in the closet
But cut the gloom and doom
We often chat and chew the fat
From midnight until noon
I've a skeleton in the cupboard
Above my shoes and socks
Although deceased
I'm begging please
Don't notify the cops
And tell them of my secret
Because my lifeless pal
Is chilled and cool and as a rule
Is happy anyhow
Now if you think this poem's title's just a metaphor
I suggest you visit my bedroom then...
Carefully...
Open the cupboard door...
I terrorise my babysitter
What a horrid kid!
Haunting her
Taunting her
I pinched her arm, run off and hid
She thinks she's smart
Then I outwit her
I terrorise the babysitter
What a nasty child!
Scratching her
Attacking her
Pretending her pet goldfish died
A little devil
Mean and bitter
I terrorise my babysitter
What an awful mite!
Chucking chairs
Pulling hair
I let the tyres down on her bike
While threatening to kick
Or hit her
I terrorise my babysitter
What a spiteful brat!
Pick a fight
Try to bite
Stomp hard upon her brand new hat
I flood the floor
With glue and glitter
I terrorise my babysitter
What a terrible tot!
Acting rude
Flicking food
Wipe both my sleeves on dripping snot
I trash my room
And scatter litter
I terrorise my babysitter
But tell me what would you do...
If your big sister babysat you?
If your nose is blocked
Closed and clogged and locked
You can't smell your socks
Just SSSSSSNIFF!
When the winter bites
Squeeze your nostrils tight
Then with all your might
Just SSSSSSNIFF!
Such a horrid noise
Nobody enjoys
Make your friends annoyed
Just SSSSSSNIFF!
Inhale fresher air
Past your nasal hair
Do it for a dare
Just SSSSSSNIFF!
It's a habit now
A disgusting row
Like a grunting sow
Just SSSSSSNIFF!
With your snout slammed shut
Suck that O2 up
Win the Sniffing Cup
Just SSSSSSNIFF!
It's the way to go
Though deep down you know
That it's best to blow
Just SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSNIFF!
You're my smart spellchecker
You make my spelling better
My expert error detector
My clever character corrector
As a pal you're definitely best
To help me in my spelling test
My online poem polisher
My magical mistake demolisher
Checking spellings is what you do
Minding all my p's and q's
And every other letter of the alphabet too
My computerised dictionary
Telling me that 'necessary'
Has two s's
But just one c
So together we'll win any spelling bee
My lovely language lexicon
Providing word alternatives
In English and American
A super quick microchip
Adding extra zap and zip
To any author's accuracy
You're my text amender
My literacy defender
My first choice dyslexia fighter
Please don't ever desert me
My tremendously talented
Top, top, top
Type righter
ElephANT
WallaBEE
EaGULL
MeerCAT
HippopotaMOUSE*
CaiMAN
MonGOOSE
WomBAT
(*Optional alternative: HippopotaMOOSE)
No common elephant
I'm a jellyphant
Composed of gelatine
My herd all say
“He isn't grey
“More luminous lime green”
I never stomp
I never stamp
I wobble on my feet
Most elephants
Are rough and tough
I'm yummy, soft and sweet
I'll entertain you
At the zoo
So brilliant to behold
Not jungle born
But crafted from
A massive jelly mould
I don't squirt water
From my trunk
Just cold custard or cream
Part animal
Is what I am
And part confectionery
I squash and squidge
Sleep in a fridge
To keep my body firm
I'm a giant
Jolly jellyphant
The strangest pachyderm
I'm a frightful fearful fellow
Dressed in suit of black and yellow
I'm the insect everybody hates to like
I don't care if I alarm you
I'm not bothered if I harm you
Once I've found and fixed you firmly in my sights
See me hover, see me flutter
I'm the nutter in your butter
Forming squishy squashy footprints with my feet
Such a pest and so annoying
I plan soon to be enjoying
That small pot of strawberry jam you've saved for sweet
Horrid humans do not rate me
They will constantly berate me
Much preferring buzzing bees or butterflies
Far too quick forever dodging
All your swiping and your swatting
I'm a terror though a thousandth of your size
When not bugging you for hours
I'm out pollenating flowers
Or off searching for some spiders for my tea
I suggest that you start running
'Cause my sting and I are coming
Call me W and A and S and P!
(With special thanks to the letter B)
British, Bulgarian, Brazilian bats
Bosnian, Bermudan, Bolivian bats
Bright brainy bats
Bulging belly bats
Big bottomed bats
Blue bats buzzing
Brown bats bawling
Black bats braying
Beige bats beeping
Blonde bats burping
Bats! Bats! Bats!
Brutish bats biting bears
Bullying bats bothering bees
Bickering bats bugging birds
Baby bats being born
Brad, Brian, Billy bat
Beth, Brie, Becky bat
Beware!
Batman's buddies - bold brave bats
Battling, breaking, busting, bruising, beating
Baddie biker bats
Bats! Bats! Bats!
Bouncing bats
Boing! Boing! Boing!
Builder bats
Bish! Bash! Bosh!
Boxing bats
Bam! Bang! Bump!
Boring bed batzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Baking bread bats
Buttering baguettes
Burning bagels
Buying baps
But borrowing brioche
Babbling bats blathering
Blah! Blah! Blah!
Before bellowing “BOO!”
Bats! Bats! Bats!
Bossy, brash, busy, boogieing, breakdancing
Boisterous, breathtaking, bodacious, brilliant, bonnie
Bonkers, barmy, barking, bananas, batty
BATS! BATS! BATS!
(Bye-bye)