Exercise Bike

When building my muscles

And pumping my blood

I never get rained on

Or covered in mud


Exercise bike, exercise bike!

Exercise, exercise, exercise bike!


I'm still where I started

The very same place

Unlikely to win

Any Tour de France race


Exercise bike, exercise bike!

Exercise, exercise, exercise bike!


My two wheels are spinning

As fast as the Flash

But no need to panic

Because I can't crash


Exercise bike, exercise bike!

Exercise, exercise, exercise bike!


There's not any traffic

There aren't any jams

I'm free of all cars

Coaches, buses and trams


Exercise bike, exercise bike!

Exercise, exercise, exercise bike!


Don't want to go swimming

Play football or run

I've found a new way

To keep fit that's more fun


Exercise bike, exercise bike!

Exercise, exercise, exercise bike!


Exercise, exercise

Exercise, exercise

Exercise, exercise...

BIKE!


(PHEW!)

Echo

I'm an echo, echo, echo

I rebound, bound, bound

Carbon copy, copy, copy

Of a sound, sound, sound

Making ripples, ripples, ripples

Making waves, waves, waves

Haunted houses, houses, houses

Creepy caves, caves, caves

Hitting ceilings, ceilings, ceilings

Hitting walls, walls, walls

In the distance, distance, distance

Hear me call, call, call

I'm a mimic, mimic, mimic

I'm a clone, clone, clone

Noise recurring, curring, curring

Once it's thrown, thrown, thrown

Though returning, turning, turning

I can't stay, stay, stay

I must quietly, quietly, quietly

Fade away, way, way, way, way...

Blue Plaque

I dream that

When I’m gone

I’ll have one of those

Shiny blue famous-person-lived-here plaques

Fixed high above the front door of my house

For the world to see

And remember me with fondness

‘Neal Zetter Lived Here, 1959-????’

But what inscription could follow?

‘Author of XXX Poetry Collections’?

‘Inspirer of Children, Teens and Adults’?

‘Visitor to X,000 Schools‘?

‘Silver Book Award Winner’?

‘Comedy Club Performer and Host’?

No thank you

Just 

‘Good Human Being’ 

In the end

Who could wish for more?

R a ndo m

Spaghetti

Confetti

Piano

Your settee

It's completely ran

Dom

Wise wizard

Pet lizard

Pork Sausage

My gizzard

It's definitely

r A n d o M

Half-burnt toast

High lampost

Botswana

A dead ghost

It's absolutely

R

AN

D

o

M

Fake flippers

Fried kippers

A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, Z, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Y

Nail clippers

It's totally modnar

La la la la la la BOING!

Chandelier

x = 2y – 7

Squabble

It's obviously

Ra nd oM

Hot chilli

Caerphilly

X factor

So silly

It's unmistakably

amdorn

Rrrrrrrrrrrrrr a n d o m

RANDOM!

(PS Hiccup, tinkle, pufferfish)

Dad Joke

(Dad joke noun, informal: An unoriginal or unfunny joke of a type supposedly told by middle-aged or older men. "He makes a lot of corny dad jokes.”)

Not a giggle to be found

Not a titter, not a sound

Stony silences abound

It's a dad joke!

Should we laugh or should we cry?

Should we heave a heavy sigh?

Let's wave comedy goodbye

It's a dad joke!

Thinks he's witty, wacky, smart

Thinks his humour tops the chart

Much less funny than a fart

It's a dad joke!

Zero cackles, chuckles, cheers

Many moans, groans, boos and jeers

Poke both fingers in your ears

It's a dad joke!

Only he will raise a smile

It's a torture! It's a trial!

Everybody - run a mile!

It's a dad joke!

Still he's promising some more

Though we've heard them all before

What's that thing we should ignore?

It's a dad joke!

Perform!

I want to holler, howl, shout!

I want to jump, move about!

I want to cause a loud din!

I want to make you join in!

I want you tapping your feet!

I want you loving my beat!

I want you lost in my rhyme!

I want you clapping in time!

I want to visit your schools!

I want to milk your applause!

I want to WOW you on stage!

'Cause I'm a performance poem

But...

I'm stuck here on this page

353

I'm the king of this castle

In charge, in control

An aeroplane pilot

On special patrol

It's my new perspective

So much more to see

Top deck

Front seat

On the 353

I'm a red metal giant

Head scraping the sky

I peer down at pavements

Positioned up high

Pedestrians swarming

Like wild honey bees

Top deck

Front seat

On the 353

In my mind it's me driving

And stopping at stops

Now noticing tall trees

Flats over some shops

It's my place, my space

Look at me! Look at me!

Top deck

Front seat

On the 353

It's Only a Passport Photo

They say that the camera can never be lying

Although accusations of 'Fake!' are now flying

I've seen people cuter (the dead and the dying)

But it's only a passport photo

Is Frankenstein's Monster returning to haunt us?

Is Dracula's Bride hanging round just to taunt us?

Appearance appalling a definite sourpuss

But it's only a passport photo

That person you're viewing you're not recognising

Eye bags and cheek sags make that hardly surprising

Next Halloween party you'll need no disguising

But it's only a passport photo

A certified XX for future transmission

A major assignment for one keen beautician

You pray for a miracle or a magician

But it's only a passport photo

For ugliness zombies and trolls could not top you

All border control staff will certainly stop you

You should have paid somebody to Photoshop you

But it's only a passport photo

Monkey Invasion

Alarms have been tripped

Our furniture flipped

Bananas unzipped

Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!

It's a monkey invasion!

Two laptops are pinched

The TV half-inched

Chaos is a cinch

Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!

It's a monkey invasion!

Extreme wrecking crew

Escaped from the zoo

What are we to do?

Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!

It's a monkey invasion!

The flower bed's wrecked

Duck down, hit the deck

Oh flippin' 'eck

Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!

It's a monkey invasion!

Mischievous beasts

The fridge is their feast

Stress levels increase

Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!

It's a monkey invasion!

Who emptied the bin?

Who drank Mum's sloe gin?

Clue: that screeching din

Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!

It's a monkey invasion!

One's wearing Dad's jeans

Walls smeared with baked beans

Catastrophic scenes

Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!

It's a monkey invasion!

The family car's trashed

They stole all my cash

Then gone in a flash

Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!

That was...a monkey invasion!

Eye am an I

Eye am an I

Eye scan, squint, spot, spy

Eye recognise, regard, inspect

Eye can peek, peer, peep

Close when you're asleep

Eye witness, watch, check, clock, detect

Eye am an I

Eye identify

Eye scrutinise, survey, strain, stare

Shut me as you think

Eye will wink and blink

Ogle, goggle, gaze, glaze, gape, glare

Eye am an I

One of two supplied

Eye could be blue, brown, grey or green

Turn black if Eye'm bashed

Often focused, flashed

So bright Eye'm a sight to be seen

Eye am an I

Sadness makes me cry

Eye notice, view, observe, leer, look

Rub me Eye'll go red

Fixed inside your head

Eye'll help you read this poetry book

Blank

It could become a great story book

Or the simplest aeroplane

The most mind-boggling maths equation

A long colourful paper chain

It might turn into a self-portrait

Or a birthday card for a friend

An origami brontosaurus

A letter for someone to send

The script for a fab fantastic film

Or a poem that lasts an age

Who knows what magic's awaiting us

When presented with a blank page?

Exclamation Mark!

Compelled to shriek! and shout! aloud

Not born to blend in with the crowd

I stand up straight and tall and proud

Muscular, mighty

You don't want to fight me

I'm an exclamation mark!

I must be noticed, must be seen

Forget those letters in-between

My power boosts your every scream!

Not fancy, not fluffy

A roughie, a toughie

I'm an exclamation mark!

Scare commas, colons and full stops

Cause shocked apostrophes to drop

Ellipses to lose all their dots

An upstart, a raver

Unruly behaviour

I'm an exclamation mark!

I'll amplify a zoooom! for you

Whizzzz! boooom! bash! crash! enhance them too

Or even cock-a-doodle-doo!

I'm craving attention

So once more I'll mention

I'm an exclamation mark!!!!!

Rucksack

My rucksack resembles a bottomless sack

Jam-packed with my stuff ever stuck to my back

Containing a book and two comics for reading

An apple, a sandwich on which I’ll be feeding

A bottle of sparkling water for drinking

(My parents suggest it’s got our kitchen sink in)

It carries a pencil, blank paper, fun stickers

A padlock, an odd sock, a spare pair of knickers

A wad of clean tissues, a big bar of chocolate

My door keys and phone tightly zipped in the pocket

I’ve squeezed in my tablet, along with my glasses

Although I’m unsure as to where my bus pass is

My baseball cap languishes down at the bottom

With trinkets and items I’ve long since forgotten

It holds a small stash of emergency money

Along with some sun cream in case it’s too sunny

You’ll find an umbrella for days when it’s pouring

I’m sure if I tried I could still fit lots more in

My rucksack resembles a bottomless sack

Jam-packed with my stuff ever stuck to my back

Peanut Butter Nutter

I’m a peanut butter nutter

I’m a peanut butter fan

If I was a superhero

I’d be Peanut Butter Man

Love it smooth and love it crunchy

Mixed together's tasty too

For my breakfast or my lunchy

It’s the food I choose to chew

I‘m not bothered if you see me

Stick a finger in the jar

Don't want marmalade or honey

It's my favourite by far

Beigey brown and sometimes salty

Perfect snack that’s protein packed

Such a source of satisfaction

Cures a hunger pang attack

Yummy on a scoop of ice cream

Scrumptious sandwiched with some jam

Need a peanut butter champion?

Then remember who I am

I’m a peanut butter nutter

Nothing’s better on my bread

There’s no other name I utter

When I’m asked to pick a spread

New Words

Kakorrhaphiophobia (= fear of failure)

I’ve found a new word!

Now can’t wait to enjoy it

To run it round my tongue

And then to suitably deploy it

I’ll include it in a passage

In a story, in a poem

Or slyly slip it in to keep

A conversion flowing

Tittynope (= a small quantity of anything left over)

I’ve found a new word!

And also learnt its meaning

It’s looking good, it’s sounding good

Attractive and appealing

I’ll select it for a sentence

For a paragraph, a title

I’ll use it in my next book

A performance or recital

Jentacular (= relating to breakfast)

 

I’ve found a new word!

Uncommon and exciting

To help me grow my vocab

And improve my future writing

I’ll add it to a manuscript

Blank verse, a speech, a lyric

Here comes my new word for today

That’s totally terrific...

Peroration (= end of a speech intended to inspire audience enthusiasm)

Authors' Advice

Do you want to be a better writer?

Then never be nervous

Afraid

Apprehensive

Anxious

Jittery

Jumpy

Concerned

Cautious

Cowardly

Coy

Bugged

Bashful

Bothered

Humble

Hesitant

Highly-strung

Tense

Timid

Troubled

Twitchy

Tentative

Terrified

Frightened

Fearful

Fretful

Flustered

Distressed

Disturbed

Panicky

Petrified

Upset

Uptight

Uneasy

Unassertive

Worried

Weak-kneed

Shy

Shaky

Sheepish

Spooked

Self-conscious

Scared

About using synonyms

OOMPH!

Take one: I nervously performed my poem to the class

“Not bad Neal, but you need more OOMPH!”

Insisted Ms Dramatype

Take two: When done, she reemphasised

“Definitely more OOMPH!”

Too embarrassed to ask my teacher what OOMPH! was

I waited till I returned home

I searched my room for it

I searched my house

I searched my garden

I searched my garage

No OOMPH! anywhere

I searched in my street

I searched in local shops

I searched on Amazon

I searched on Wikipedia

(It stated that Oomph! was a German rock band from 1989

Probably not the OOMPH! I was seeking)

What on Earth was OOMPH?

Next day in class

Take three: Guess what?

“Still needs more OOMPH!”

I felt fed up

Frustrated

Intimidated

Confused

Angry

So just before take four

I yelled

IN CAPITAL LETTERS

Bold type

Underlined

With appropriate punctuation!!!???

“WHAT IS OOMPH!!!???”

And Ms Dramatype looked at me

Smiling

Widely