Binge TV

Bought my massive bar of chocolate

And intend to scoff the lot of it

Got my popcorn, crisps and cup of tea

Sprawled out upon our large settee

Make no attempt to contact me

I'm set to go - it's binge TV


Sat expressionless and hypnotised

Mainly motionless and marble-eyed

I've drawn the curtains, shut the door

Stuck on a sign that says “Ignore!”

While you tell me I'm just a bore

As I binge my TV once more


Doing nothing else - my single goal

Tightly gripping the remote control

I eat my dinner - tray on lap

I never stop to shower or nap

With programmes flowing like a tap

Ensnared in that binge TV trap


I watch movies, I watch series too

Eighty episodes wait in a queue

Lined up then falling row by row

An endless set of dominoes

I could be dead! But who would know?

It's time to binge another TV show...


You Can't Beat a Bagel

You can't beat a bagel

For sheer dough-like pleasure

The joy it will bring you

Is too much to measure

So squidgy and stodgy

Served straight from the oven

Once tasted, you're sated

It's never forgotten


You can't beat a bagel

The roll with the hole in

A bread that your mama

Leaves her heart and soul in

You might prefer savoury

Or perhaps sweetness

Plus poppy or sesame seeds

For completeness


You can't beat a bagel

They're simply thrilling

(Smoked salmon with cream cheese

Is my favoured filling)

You haven't yet tried one?

Please do when you're able

Then soon you'll be yelling

“You can't beat a bagel!”

Attila the?

Which ancient warrior loves to have a good time?

Attila the Fun

Which ancient warrior is sure to ignore you?

Attila the Shun

Which ancient warrior lives in a convent?

Attila the Nun

Which ancient warrior eats far too much bread?

Attila the Bun

Consequently, which ancient warrior is extremely overweight?

Attila the Tonne

Which ancient warrior is training for the London Marathon?

Attila the Run

Which ancient warrior likes to use the past tense of 'do'?

Attila the Done

Which ancient warrior exchanged his axe for a rifle?

Attila the Gun

Which ancient warrior swopped his sword for a taser?

Attila the Stun

And which ancient warrior wrote this poem?

Attila the Pun


Where Did the Flamingo Go?

Where did the flamingo go, go, go?

We've searched for her high and low, low, low

Her location we don't know, know, know

Where did the flamingo go?


Where did the flamingo, fly, fly, fly?

She isn't high in the sky, sky, sky

We didn't hear her say “Bye, bye, bye!”

Where did the flamingo fly?


Where did the flamingo flit, flit, flit?

She never told us she'd quit, quit, quit

Or that she would up and split, split, split

Where did the flamingo flit?


Where did the flamingo soar, soar, soar?

She's not standing on the floor, floor, floor

Nor down by the water's shore, shore, shore

Where did the flamingo soar?


Where did the flamingo, glide, glide, glide?

We've looked for her far and wide, wide, wide

But none of us can decide, -cide, -cide

Where did the flamingo glide?


Where did the flamingo dart, dart, dart?

Who ever thought she'd depart, -part, -part?

So let's return to the start, start, start

WHERE DID THE FLAMINGO GO?!


Walkies!

He's wagging his tail

There's wind in his sail

Which word never fails?

It's walkies!

He's finished his feed

I'm fetching his lead

He knows what dogs need

It's walkies!


He cannot keep calm

Now tugging my arm

I've rung his alarm

It's walkies!


We're out in the street

Fuss, fuss - “He's so sweet!”

His twice a day treat

It's walkies!

He chases a cat

Runs after a rat

Enjoying the fact that

It's walkies!

We walk for a mile

Then rest for a while

...

Then walk for a mile

It's walkies!

He meets other mutts

He's sniffing their butts

It's time to go nuts

It's walkies!


He fetches a stick

Gives me a wet lick

Rolls in the mud – ick!

It's walkies!


One leg up a tree

He stops for a wee

A biscuit or three

It's walkies!


At last at our door

I flop to the floor

And him? He barks “MORE!”

It's walkies!

Paint It Yellow

If you're feeling rotten, rough

Too much nasty noxious stuff

Don't snap, crack and shout “Enough!”

Paint it yellow


Let's have misery no more

Kick your glumness out the door

Spread a shade that's rich and pure

Paint it yellow


Like the sunshine through a shower

Bright and brilliant packed with power

Don't be dull or drab or dour

Paint it yellow


Like bananas, like the moon

Like a cheerful child's balloon

Like a humming happy tune

Paint it yellow


Like a slice of Cheddar cheese

Like a lemon that you squeeze

Like a swarm of buzzy bees

Paint it yellow


You've no need to watch the news

Make a plan to beat the blues

What's the colour you should choose?

Paint it yellow


Umbrella

My umbrella keeps me dry

When the rain falls from the sky

Don't wear hats upon my head

'Cos it does the job instead


Storms and downpours everywhere

I'm protected, I don't care

Even works in sleet and snow

Shielding me from head to toe


Metal handle, plastic top

Pink with purple polka dots

Surely it's the safest bet

As I'm dry but you're all wet


Let it drizzle, drip, drip, drop

Let it shower, plip, plip, plop

Till the sun comes out to play

Then my brolly folds away

Best Dressed Dog

My canine's super smart

Dressed in the latest fashions

Loves all designer wear

Picks clothing with a passion


With walk and dinner done

He doesn't want to stop in

But take the Eurostar

To Paris to go shopping


Armani, Ralph Lauren

DKNY, Versace

Pierre Cardin, Paul Smith

Louis Vuitton and Gucci


In leggings, boots or hat

Bandana or a sweater

My dog looks oh so cool

Yes - he's a real trend Setter

For Sale

Ten thousand pounds my asking price

Condition? Nearly new

All parts are working perfectly

A bargain buy for you


I plucked it from my inner self

Somewhere close to my heart

I'll surely shed a ton of tears

The moment it departs


It comes with guarantee attached

Had just one owner too

(Don't be confused – it's not a fish

Or found under my shoe)


So I hope we can make a deal

I'm desperate, on the dole

Please Mister Satan splash that cash

I want to sell my soul

For You

I've poems poking out my ears

That can't fit in my head

I've poems lost up in the loft

And stashed under my bed


I've poems on my new laptop

In wardrobes on coat hooks

I've poems in the kitchen sink

And published in my books

I've poems fixed to chandeliers

I've poems in the hall

I've poems in the garden shed

And scrawled on every wall


I've poems on the washing line

All hanging down on pegs

I've poems on my mantlepiece

My torso, arms and legs


I've poems on my mobile phone

And in the bathroom too

I've no space for another poem...

So this one is for you

My Nonsense Poem

Nonsense poem

Pickling pyjamas

Nonsense poem

Playing snap with llamas

Paint your dad blue

Ants that won't stop growing

Everything's absurd inside my nonsense poem


Nonsense poem

Bicycles and burnt toast

Nonsense poem

Cuddling a lamppost

Backwards I talk

Sunbathe though it's snowing

Nutty is the norm when it's my nonsense poem


Nonsense poem

Lumberjacks and limpets

Nonsense poem

Vacuuming your armpits

Stroke a cactus

Toing but not froing

Craziness is cool 'cos it's my nonsense poem


Nonsense poem

Mondays are abolished

Nonsense poem

Bald heads must be polished

My pen's run out

Who knows where it's going?

That's my nonsense ending to my nonsense poem


K.I.N.D.

You can't be a carrot

Or a clock

You can't be a sardine

Or a sock

You can't be a carpet

Or a key

But you can be

K.I.N.D.


You can't be a proton

Or a pin

You can't be a bottom

Or a bin

You can't be a fungus

Or a flea

But you can be

K.I.N.D.

You can't be a wobble

Or a wow

You can't be cream cake

Or a cow

You can't be a thimble

Or a '3'

But you can be

K.I.N.D.


You can't be a rhythm

Or a rock

You can't be a shadow

Or a...SHOCK!

You can't be a telly

Or a tree

But you can be

K.I.N.D.

You can't be a whimper

Or a wig

You can't be a handbag

(Small or big)

You can't be a pimple

Or a ‘p’

But you can be

K.I.N.D.

So set your inner angel free

And show the world you're

K.I.N.D.

All I Want...

Don't want a pet piranha

Alpaca

An iguana

A basketball

A pair of training shoes

A skateboard

A computer

A new phone

Or a scooter

As all of them will leave me unamused


Don't want a Lamborghini

A skimpy-tight bikini

A budgie

Board game

Or a mountain bike

One of those giant tellies

A pack of perfumed smellies

Such presents are not items that I'd like


What I want's packed with pages

Will fill my time for ages

You'll see it tops my wish list if you look

It's bound to entertain me

And make me much more brainy

Cos all I want for Christmas is...

A book!

Hyperlink

Why's there no 'q' in cucumber?

Could I teach my cat to rumba?

Is the ocean safe to drink?

Find out!

Click a hyperlink


What makes hairy people hairy?

Why was Mary quite contrary?

How come old socks always stink?

Simple!

Click a hyperlink


What's the capital of Norway?

Will my head fit through that doorway?

Why do nans and grandads shrink?

Unsure?

Click a hyperlink


Why are werewolves scared of silver?

Why does nothing rhyme with silver?

Is a skunk quite like a skink?

Answers?

Click a hyperlink


Who invented semolina?

Have they found Mrs Demeanour?

Can an avocado think?

Who knows?

Click a hyperlink


Why all this toing and froing?

How'd you stop a crow from crowing?

What words should complete this poem?

Easy!

Click a hyperlink