Alien Attack!

The media is saying:


“An alien spaceship hovered up high

“Then thousands of aliens dropped from the sky

“So evil and mean, a horrible bunch

“They ate the Prime Minister for their lunch

“Our army and air force are in retreat

“The navy was sunk in just a heartbeat

“They're threatening us with their neutron gun

“The sensible thing you should do is run

“Big towns are burning, huge cities ablaze

“Experts claim Earth could be conquered in days”


But as I am thinking this news is the worst

I remember the date – it's April the first!

Bare Patch

“There's a bare patch on the back lawn!”

Said Dad one hot, dry summer's day

So I peered out of the window and surprisingly I saw:

A polar bear avoiding the heat relaxing in a freezing ice bath

A spectacled bear strangely not wearing any spectacles at all

A giant panda chomping away on a huge pile of bamboo

A grizzly bear being extremely grizzly

A koala climbing a tree insisting she was in fact not a bear but a marsupial

And many other bears I'm sure I recognised:

A suitcase-carrying bear newly arrived from Peru

A cute cuddly bear dipping his paws in a massive honey pot accompanied by a gloomy-faced donkey and a springy tiger

An old-fashioned white bear wearing matching yellow chequered trousers and scarf and a red top

A trio of bears constantly complaining about a young girl breaking into their house, messing up their furniture and eating their porridge

A fuzzy brown bear dressed in just a hat and tie telling terrible jokes to a frog and a pig - “Waka! Waka!”

A singing and dancing bear searching for Mowgli - his best friend from the jungle

“WHAT AN AMAZING, ASTONISHING, INCREDIBLE SCENE!” I screamed

And my little sister replied “That's nothing - check out our next-door neighbour's dinosaur patch!

Cowboy Life

A cowboy life's a dream to me

Silver sheriff's badge pinned to my chest

The star of every rodeo

On my cowboy ranch in the Wild West


I'd slowly stroll into the town

Wearing steel-spurred boots and Stetson hat

And leather holster 'round my waist

Draw my pistol in one second flat


The cattle drives would be such fun

With my lasso flying through the air

In hot and thirsty desert sun

Golden sand, green cacti everywhere


Cook by the campfire every night

Eating giant steaks and beans of course

But first, to lead that cowboy life

I must save up hard...to buy a horse.


Strictly No Unicorns

I've always assumed I could write a poem on any topic

Until an eight-year old asked me

“Have you got one about unicorns?”

“No” I responded

“The creatures have never really inspired me”


“But why not?” She replied enthusiastically

“They're magical, majestic, wonderful, white

“Proud, prancing, brilliantly beautiful beasts”

“With unique horns”

(And that was the best pun I'd ever heard from a child)


I smiled at her

Scratched my head

Grabbed paper and pen

Sat down

And told her

“Just let me think about it

“Okay?”

The Day I Ate My School

Please Sir, I'm truly sorry

I know I broke the rules

But I felt so hungry lunchtime

I ate the entire school


Consuming every classroom

The field and playground too

The fences and the front gate

The library and the loos


I swallowed up the staffroom

The teachers sat within

The office swiftly followed

By every litter bin


The children were delicious

The TAs great to snack

Computers, sports equipment

Fed my hunger pang attack


The roof and walls were yummy

The doors and halls divine

The cars and carpark such a treat

All washed down with some wine


The Head yelled “Stop! Detention!

“After the home time bell!”

I turned around with open mouth

Devouring her as well


Now as you are reading this

You've no need to be sad

'Cos that was definitely the best school dinner

That I've ever had


(Mmmmmmm! Burp!)

Lost

Our teacher told us:


If your trousers have vanished

Or you've misplaced a shoe

Your sports kit's in limbo

Where's your pen? Not a clue


If your sandwich is missing

Last night's homework's vamoosed

Your school scarf is nowhere

Long-departed, cut loose


If your rucksack has scarpered

Taken off with your hat

The sweets in your pocket

Split the scene just like that


If the book you were reading

Ran away, upped and left

You reckon your sweatshirt

Is a victim of theft


If your birthday watch wandered

You can't track down your socks

Then please search our classroom's

New Lost Property Box


I replied:


Miss, I did what you said I should do

But the Lost Property Box...

Has disappeared too!

Living Next Door to a Rock Star

Guitars twang, cymbals clang, there's a bang on the drum

As the silence is shattered before it's begun

I don't care if he's cool

Massive cracks scar our wall!

I'm living next door to a rock star


Noisy music all day, rowdy parties all night

Brightness blazing non-stop, flashing dazzling lights

Though he's top of the pops

I'm still calling the cops

I'm living next door to a rock star


Not impressed with his attitude or lack of style

Every song is atrocious, his singing is vile

He says he's 'in the groove'

I just wished that he'd move

I'm living next door to a rock star


No surprise that his sports car is blocking our drive

Dad says that he owns one though I'd estimate five

To the end of our street

Hear that loud booming beat

I'm living next door to a rock star


Fans and camera crews constantly queue at his door

It feels like our whole neighbourhood's fighting a war

But revenge is now planned

'Cos I'm joining his band

Then...

He'll be living next door to a rock star!


The Challenge

A child asks me

“Neal – your poems always rhyme

“Can you write one that doesn't?”

So I try free verse

Not my natural style

But surely it's easy

Thousands of more words to choose from

Far less structure

It doesn't even require a rhythm

I'm up for the challenge


Theme selected

I begin

Inspired

Ideas flowing

Pen in hand

Scribbling frantically

Adrenalin rushing

Page filling

Transferring to my computer

I'm up for the challenge


I reach cruise control

My creation's taking shape

Like a crocus gradually poking its head towards spring's sunlight

I'm constantly crafting

Reviewing

Polishing

Sharpening

Amending

Improving

Editing

I'm up for the challenge


And it's looking real good!

Almost finished...

The final touches...

I'm doing just fine...

Until I fail

Miserably

On the very last line

Binge TV

Bought my massive bar of chocolate

And intend to scoff the lot of it

Got my popcorn, crisps and cup of tea

Sprawled out upon our large settee

Make no attempt to contact me

I'm set to go - it's binge TV


Sat expressionless and hypnotised

Mainly motionless and marble-eyed

I've drawn the curtains, shut the door

Stuck on a sign that says “Ignore!”

While you tell me I'm just a bore

As I binge my TV once more


Doing nothing else - my single goal

Tightly gripping the remote control

I eat my dinner - tray on lap

I never stop to shower or nap

With programmes flowing like a tap

Ensnared in that binge TV trap


I watch movies, I watch series too

Eighty episodes wait in a queue

Lined up then falling row by row

An endless set of dominoes

I could be dead! But who would know?

It's time to binge another TV show...


You Can't Beat a Bagel

You can't beat a bagel

For sheer dough-like pleasure

The joy it will bring you

Is too much to measure

So squidgy and stodgy

Served straight from the oven

Once tasted, you're sated

It's never forgotten


You can't beat a bagel

The roll with the hole in

A bread that your mama

Leaves her heart and soul in

You might prefer savoury

Or perhaps sweetness

Plus poppy or sesame seeds

For completeness


You can't beat a bagel

They're simply thrilling

(Smoked salmon with cream cheese

Is my favoured filling)

You haven't yet tried one?

Please do when you're able

Then soon you'll be yelling

“You can't beat a bagel!”

Attila the?

Which ancient warrior loves to have a good time?

Attila the Fun

Which ancient warrior is sure to ignore you?

Attila the Shun

Which ancient warrior lives in a convent?

Attila the Nun

Which ancient warrior eats far too much bread?

Attila the Bun

Consequently, which ancient warrior is extremely overweight?

Attila the Tonne

Which ancient warrior is training for the London Marathon?

Attila the Run

Which ancient warrior likes to use the past tense of 'do'?

Attila the Done

Which ancient warrior exchanged his axe for a rifle?

Attila the Gun

Which ancient warrior swopped his sword for a taser?

Attila the Stun

And which ancient warrior wrote this poem?

Attila the Pun


Where Did the Flamingo Go?

Where did the flamingo go, go, go?

We've searched for her high and low, low, low

Her location we don't know, know, know

Where did the flamingo go?


Where did the flamingo, fly, fly, fly?

She isn't high in the sky, sky, sky

We didn't hear her say “Bye, bye, bye!”

Where did the flamingo fly?


Where did the flamingo flit, flit, flit?

She never told us she'd quit, quit, quit

Or that she would up and split, split, split

Where did the flamingo flit?


Where did the flamingo soar, soar, soar?

She's not standing on the floor, floor, floor

Nor down by the water's shore, shore, shore

Where did the flamingo soar?


Where did the flamingo, glide, glide, glide?

We've looked for her far and wide, wide, wide

But none of us can decide, -cide, -cide

Where did the flamingo glide?


Where did the flamingo dart, dart, dart?

Who ever thought she'd depart, -part, -part?

So let's return to the start, start, start

WHERE DID THE FLAMINGO GO?!


Walkies!

He's wagging his tail

There's wind in his sail

Which word never fails?

It's walkies!

He's finished his feed

I'm fetching his lead

He knows what dogs need

It's walkies!


He cannot keep calm

Now tugging my arm

I've rung his alarm

It's walkies!


We're out in the street

Fuss, fuss - “He's so sweet!”

His twice a day treat

It's walkies!

He chases a cat

Runs after a rat

Enjoying the fact that

It's walkies!

We walk for a mile

Then rest for a while

...

Then walk for a mile

It's walkies!

He meets other mutts

He's sniffing their butts

It's time to go nuts

It's walkies!


He fetches a stick

Gives me a wet lick

Rolls in the mud – ick!

It's walkies!


One leg up a tree

He stops for a wee

A biscuit or three

It's walkies!


At last at our door

I flop to the floor

And him? He barks “MORE!”

It's walkies!

Paint It Yellow

If you're feeling rotten, rough

Too much nasty noxious stuff

Don't snap, crack and shout “Enough!”

Paint it yellow


Let's have misery no more

Kick your glumness out the door

Spread a shade that's rich and pure

Paint it yellow


Like the sunshine through a shower

Bright and brilliant packed with power

Don't be dull or drab or dour

Paint it yellow


Like bananas, like the moon

Like a cheerful child's balloon

Like a humming happy tune

Paint it yellow


Like a slice of Cheddar cheese

Like a lemon that you squeeze

Like a swarm of buzzy bees

Paint it yellow


You've no need to watch the news

Make a plan to beat the blues

What's the colour you should choose?

Paint it yellow


Umbrella

My umbrella keeps me dry

When the rain falls from the sky

Don't wear hats upon my head

'Cos it does the job instead


Storms and downpours everywhere

I'm protected, I don't care

Even works in sleet and snow

Shielding me from head to toe


Metal handle, plastic top

Pink with purple polka dots

Surely it's the safest bet

As I'm dry but you're all wet


Let it drizzle, drip, drip, drop

Let it shower, plip, plip, plop

Till the sun comes out to play

Then my brolly folds away

Best Dressed Dog

My canine's super smart

Dressed in the latest fashions

Loves all designer wear

Picks clothing with a passion


With walk and dinner done

He doesn't want to stop in

But take the Eurostar

To Paris to go shopping


Armani, Ralph Lauren

DKNY, Versace

Pierre Cardin, Paul Smith

Louis Vuitton and Gucci


In leggings, boots or hat

Bandana or a sweater

My dog looks oh so cool

Yes - he's a real trend Setter