Ten thousand pounds my asking price
Condition? Nearly new
All parts are working perfectly
A bargain buy for you
I plucked it from my inner self
Somewhere close to my heart
I'll surely shed a ton of tears
The moment it departs
It comes with guarantee attached
Had just one owner too
(Don't be confused – it's not a fish
Or found under my shoe)
So I hope we can make a deal
I'm desperate, on the dole
Please Mister Satan splash that cash
I want to sell my soul
I've poems poking out my ears
That can't fit in my head
I've poems lost up in the loft
And stashed under my bed
I've poems on my new laptop
In wardrobes on coat hooks
I've poems in the kitchen sink
And published in my books
I've poems fixed to chandeliers
I've poems in the hall
I've poems in the garden shed
And scrawled on every wall
I've poems on the washing line
All hanging down on pegs
I've poems on my mantlepiece
My torso, arms and legs
I've poems on my mobile phone
And in the bathroom too
I've no space for another poem...
So this one is for you
Nonsense poem
Pickling pyjamas
Nonsense poem
Playing snap with llamas
Paint your dad blue
Ants that won't stop growing
Everything's absurd inside my nonsense poem
Nonsense poem
Bicycles and burnt toast
Nonsense poem
Cuddling a lamppost
Backwards I talk
Sunbathe though it's snowing
Nutty is the norm when it's my nonsense poem
Nonsense poem
Lumberjacks and limpets
Nonsense poem
Vacuuming your armpits
Stroke a cactus
Toing but not froing
Craziness is cool 'cos it's my nonsense poem
Nonsense poem
Mondays are abolished
Nonsense poem
Bald heads must be polished
My pen's run out
Who knows where it's going?
That's my nonsense ending to my nonsense poem
One human
Two human
Three human
Four human
Five human
Six human
Seven human
Eight human
Nine human
Ten human
Restless sheep
Couldn't sleep
I follow the rules of alliteration
Pay close attention to punctuation
Unusual spellings are frowned upon
Assonance (like this) regarded as wrong
Making up words is a total taboo
Days of mixed metaphors are surely through
I'm down, disappointed, gutted, choked
‘Cos my poetic licence has been revoked
You can't be a carrot
Or a clock
You can't be a sardine
Or a sock
You can't be a carpet
Or a key
But you can be
K.I.N.D.
You can't be a proton
Or a pin
You can't be a bottom
Or a bin
You can't be a fungus
Or a flea
But you can be
K.I.N.D.
You can't be a wobble
Or a wow
You can't be cream cake
Or a cow
You can't be a thimble
Or a '3'
But you can be
K.I.N.D.
You can't be a rhythm
Or a rock
You can't be a shadow
Or a...SHOCK!
You can't be a telly
Or a tree
But you can be
K.I.N.D.
You can't be a whimper
Or a wig
You can't be a handbag
(Small or big)
You can't be a pimple
Or a ‘p’
But you can be
K.I.N.D.
So set your inner angel free
And show the world you're
K.I.N.D.
Don't want a pet piranha
Alpaca
An iguana
A basketball
A pair of training shoes
A skateboard
A computer
A new phone
Or a scooter
As all of them will leave me unamused
Don't want a Lamborghini
A skimpy-tight bikini
A budgie
Board game
Or a mountain bike
One of those giant tellies
A pack of perfumed smellies
Such presents are not items that I'd like
What I want's packed with pages
Will fill my time for ages
You'll see it tops my wish list if you look
It's bound to entertain me
And make me much more brainy
Cos all I want for Christmas is...
A book!
Why's there no 'q' in cucumber?
Could I teach my cat to rumba?
Is the ocean safe to drink?
Find out!
Click a hyperlink
What makes hairy people hairy?
Why was Mary quite contrary?
How come old socks always stink?
Simple!
Click a hyperlink
What's the capital of Norway?
Will my head fit through that doorway?
Why do nans and grandads shrink?
Unsure?
Click a hyperlink
Why are werewolves scared of silver?
Why does nothing rhyme with silver?
Is a skunk quite like a skink?
Answers?
Click a hyperlink
Who invented semolina?
Have they found Mrs Demeanour?
Can an avocado think?
Who knows?
Click a hyperlink
Why all this toing and froing?
How'd you stop a crow from crowing?
What words should complete this poem?
Easy!
Click a hyperlink
You say happy
I say delighted
You say eager
I say excited
You say handy
I say practical
You say clever
I say tactical
You say pretty
I say beautiful
You say loyal
I say dutiful
You say stupid
I say risible
You say in view
I say visible
You say solid
I say non-porous
Since I borrowed
Your new thesaurus
When building my muscles
And pumping my blood
I never get rained on
Or covered in mud
Exercise bike, exercise bike!
Exercise, exercise, exercise bike!
I'm still where I started
The very same place
Unlikely to win
Any Tour de France race
Exercise bike, exercise bike!
Exercise, exercise, exercise bike!
My two wheels are spinning
As fast as the Flash
But no need to panic
Because I can't crash
Exercise bike, exercise bike!
Exercise, exercise, exercise bike!
There's not any traffic
There aren't any jams
I'm free of all cars
Coaches, buses and trams
Exercise bike, exercise bike!
Exercise, exercise, exercise bike!
Don't want to go swimming
Play football or run
I've found a new way
To keep fit that's more fun
Exercise bike, exercise bike!
Exercise, exercise, exercise bike!
Exercise, exercise
Exercise, exercise
Exercise, exercise...
BIKE!
(PHEW!)
I'm an echo, echo, echo
I rebound, bound, bound
Carbon copy, copy, copy
Of a sound, sound, sound
Making ripples, ripples, ripples
Making waves, waves, waves
Haunted houses, houses, houses
Creepy caves, caves, caves
Hitting ceilings, ceilings, ceilings
Hitting walls, walls, walls
In the distance, distance, distance
Hear me call, call, call
I'm a mimic, mimic, mimic
I'm a clone, clone, clone
Noise recurring, curring, curring
Once it's thrown, thrown, thrown
Though returning, turning, turning
I can't stay, stay, stay
I must quietly, quietly, quietly
Fade away, way, way, way, way...
I dream that
When I’m gone
I’ll have one of those
Shiny blue famous-person-lived-here plaques
Fixed high above the front door of my house
For the world to see
And remember me with fondness
‘Neal Zetter Lived Here, 1959-????’
But what inscription could follow?
‘Author of XXX Poetry Collections’?
‘Inspirer of Children, Teens and Adults’?
‘Visitor to X,000 Schools‘?
‘Silver Book Award Winner’?
‘Comedy Club Performer and Host’?
No thank you
Just
‘Good Human Being’
In the end
Who could wish for more?
From a tiny acorn
Massive oak trees grow
From the smallest raindrop
Winding rivers flow
Many quiet whispers
May create a roar
Single violent actions
Might lead to a war
After gentle ripples
Wild tsunamis swell
Every human being
Starts as just a cell
From one speck of darkness
Sprang the Universe
From a tiny acorn
I've produced this verse
Spaghetti
Confetti
Piano
Your settee
It's completely ran
Dom
Wise wizard
Pet lizard
Pork Sausage
My gizzard
It's definitely
r A n d o M
Half-burnt toast
High lampost
Botswana
A dead ghost
It's absolutely
R
AN
D
o
M
Fake flippers
Fried kippers
A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, Z, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Y
Nail clippers
It's totally modnar
La la la la la la BOING!
Chandelier
x = 2y – 7
Squabble
It's obviously
Ra nd oM
Hot chilli
Caerphilly
X factor
So silly
It's unmistakably
amdorn
Rrrrrrrrrrrrrr a n d o m
RANDOM!
(PS Hiccup, tinkle, pufferfish)
(Dad joke noun, informal: An unoriginal or unfunny joke of a type supposedly told by middle-aged or older men. "He makes a lot of corny dad jokes.”)
Not a giggle to be found
Not a titter, not a sound
Stony silences abound
It's a dad joke!
Should we laugh or should we cry?
Should we heave a heavy sigh?
Let's wave comedy goodbye
It's a dad joke!
Thinks he's witty, wacky, smart
Thinks his humour tops the chart
Much less funny than a fart
It's a dad joke!
Zero cackles, chuckles, cheers
Many moans, groans, boos and jeers
Poke both fingers in your ears
It's a dad joke!
Only he will raise a smile
It's a torture! It's a trial!
Everybody - run a mile!
It's a dad joke!
Still he's promising some more
Though we've heard them all before
What's that thing we should ignore?
It's a dad joke!
I want to holler, howl, shout!
I want to jump, move about!
I want to cause a loud din!
I want to make you join in!
I want you tapping your feet!
I want you loving my beat!
I want you lost in my rhyme!
I want you clapping in time!
I want to visit your schools!
I want to milk your applause!
I want to WOW you on stage!
'Cause I'm a performance poem
But...
I'm stuck here on this page
I'm the king of this castle
In charge, in control
An aeroplane pilot
On special patrol
It's my new perspective
So much more to see
Top deck
Front seat
On the 353
I'm a red metal giant
Head scraping the sky
I peer down at pavements
Positioned up high
Pedestrians swarming
Like wild honey bees
Top deck
Front seat
On the 353
In my mind it's me driving
And stopping at stops
Now noticing tall trees
Flats over some shops
It's my place, my space
Look at me! Look at me!
Top deck
Front seat
On the 353
“Teachers are aliens”
“Down with school”
“Jules luvs Jamie”
“Man U rool”
“Maths is mind-boggling”
“Odours smell”
“Eat your homework”
“I kan't spel”
“Me for Prime Minister”
“Poetry's cool”
Who scrawled graffiti
On our wall?
They say that the camera can never be lying
Although accusations of 'Fake!' are now flying
I've seen people cuter (the dead and the dying)
But it's only a passport photo
Is Frankenstein's Monster returning to haunt us?
Is Dracula's Bride hanging round just to taunt us?
Appearance appalling a definite sourpuss
But it's only a passport photo
That person you're viewing you're not recognising
Eye bags and cheek sags make that hardly surprising
Next Halloween party you'll need no disguising
But it's only a passport photo
A certified XX for future transmission
A major assignment for one keen beautician
You pray for a miracle or a magician
But it's only a passport photo
For ugliness zombies and trolls could not top you
All border control staff will certainly stop you
You should have paid somebody to Photoshop you
But it's only a passport photo
Alarms have been tripped
Our furniture flipped
Bananas unzipped
Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!
It's a monkey invasion!
Two laptops are pinched
The TV half-inched
Chaos is a cinch
Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!
It's a monkey invasion!
Extreme wrecking crew
Escaped from the zoo
What are we to do?
Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!
It's a monkey invasion!
The flower bed's wrecked
Duck down, hit the deck
Oh flippin' 'eck
Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!
It's a monkey invasion!
Mischievous beasts
The fridge is their feast
Stress levels increase
Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!
It's a monkey invasion!
Who emptied the bin?
Who drank Mum's sloe gin?
Clue: that screeching din
Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!
It's a monkey invasion!
One's wearing Dad's jeans
Walls smeared with baked beans
Catastrophic scenes
Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!
It's a monkey invasion!
The family car's trashed
They stole all my cash
Then gone in a flash
Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!
That was...a monkey invasion!