pHoNe ZoMbIe

My big brother's a pHoNe ZoMbIe

Forever on his phone

Far from the crowd

Head in the Cloud

Demanding “Please leave me alone!”


My big brother's a pHoNe ZoMbIe

Won't answer to his name

He sits transfixed

His fingers twitch

While texting friends and playing games


My big brother's a pHoNe ZoMbIe

His mind's melted away

Eyes hypnotised

Glazed, mesmerised

For twenty-four hours every day


My big brother's a pHoNe ZoMbIe

He's off school yet again

So screen obsessed

Won't eat, won't rest

His phone's connected to his brain


I pleaded to my parents “Help!

“What are we gonna do?”

But they just stared

Into thin air...

Cos they are both pHoNe ZoMbIeS too!


Gremlins

There are gremlins in the fuse box

So our houselights keep on flashing

There are gremlins in my PC

So the Internet keeps crashing


There are gremlins in our old clock

That are stopping it from ticking

There are gremlins in my glue stick

That prevent the glue from sticking


There are gremlins on the tube trains

Running late at King's Cross Station

There are gremlins in my pencil

Messing,, with “my ;!; punctuation'


There are gremlins in my mobile

Though you're calling it's not ringing

I hear gremlins in the shower

(Possibly just Dad's bad singing)


There are gremlins in my sock drawer

That's why all my socks are smelly

When I'm hungry there are gremlins

Rumbling inside my belly


There are gremlins in my Mum's car

Causing creaking and corrosion

There are gremlins in this poem too

Creating an explosion...

BOOM!

Eight Differences Between a Sausage Dog and a Sausage

A sausage dog will wag its tail

A sausage stays totally still

A sausage dog curls up in its bed

A sausage lies flat on the grill


A sausage dog has got four limbs

A sausage has no arms or legs

A sausage dog is found in a house

A sausage with bacon and eggs


A sausage dog woofs, growls and barks

A sausage you'll never hear talk

A sausage dog loves to exercise

A sausage won't go for a walk


A sausage dog is made of hound

A sausage of cow, fowl or hog

A sausage dog might eats sausages

But a sausage can't eat sausage dogs

I Can

I can bend my knees

I can touch my toes

I can arch my back

I can blow my nose

I can feel my feet

I can blink my eyes

I can dry my tears

Every time I cry


I can beat my chest

I can sway my hips

I can stretch my legs

I can lick my lips

I can nod my head

I can lend an ear

I can flick my wrists

I can scratch my rear


I can comb my hair

I can stroke my chin

I can puff my cheeks

Wear the widest grin

But my teacher says

While I am still young

That I need to learn

How to hold my tongue!

If I Was a Knight in Armour

If I was a knight in armour

Dragon slayer

Maiden charmer

Quests! Adventures! Magic! Drama!

If I was a knight in armour


Living in the Middle Ages

Banquets! Jesters!

Squires! Pages!

Getting dressed would be in stages

If I was a knight in armour


Wield a sword – my chosen weapon

Hold a shield

(Added protection)

Highly skilled at genuflection

If I was a knight in armour


Medieval castle dweller

Chivalrous

A gentle fella

Stay rust-free with an umbrella

If I was a knight in armour


Win all jousting competitions

Serve my king

On valiant missions

No time to watch television

If I was a knight in armour


If I was a knight in armour

Dragon slayer

Maiden charmer

Quests! Adventures! Magic! Drama!

If I was a knight in armour


Flowers

I bought you flowers

As a special treat

I bought you flowers

Cos they smelt really sweet

I bought you flowers

Cos they looked so fine

I bought you flowers

Now be my Valentine


I bought you flowers

Such a big bouquet

I bought you flowers

To brighten up your day

I bought you flowers

Coming home from school

Cos I bought you chocolates...

But then I scoffed them all

Beds

I've slept in beds in posh hotels

From Tokyo to Tunbridge Wells

In beds with crisp white cotton sheets

In beds that reek of cheesy feet


I've slept in beds borrowed from friends

In broken beds no one could mend

In waterbeds that sprouted leaks

In beds emitting squeaks and creaks


I've slept in beds with lumps and bumps

In dirty beds where bedbugs jump

In many-sized beds, large and small

But mine's the cosiest of all!

Guilty Pleasures

Screaming aloud as thunder’s roaring

Waking my sister when she’s snoring

Whistling while Dad's watching telly

Telling my brother that he’s smelly


Fibbing to friends I’ve superpowers

Wearing two socks when taking showers

Picking my nose while no one’s looking

Sticking a finger in Mum’s cooking*


Eating the skin of chocolate custard

Liking my ice cream dipped in mustard

Spending all day in bed at leisure

What is your favourite guilty pleasure?


(*Always a different finger to that mentioned in the line above)

Nice Day

After I'd trudged

For twenty minutes

Back to the shop

Carrying three bulky bags

Through a heavy downpour

That infiltrated my underwear

To return the new 'pair' of shoes

(One size 9, one size 10!)

To the nameless Service Assistant

Who was otherwise engaged

In gossip to a colleague

Therefore failing to make eye-contact with me

Or provide any kind of apology

As he silently replaced the footwear

While presumptuously asking me to complete

“Our short customer satisfaction survey”


You'll understand why

I tore it up in front of him

Sarcastically repeating

The well-worn corporate mantra

That he'd just robotically recited to me

“Have a Nice Day”

Dad's Hairy Chest

When I am a man

When I'm fully grown

There's something of Dad's

I'd rather not own

It pokes out his shirt

It sticks out his vest

I don't want to inherit

My Dad's hairy chest


Parts of it are grey

Parts of it are black

It's spread to his sides

And over his back

What's my deepest fear?

What's getting me stressed?

I don't want to inherit

My Dad's hairy chest


He looks like a wolf

Gorilla or goat

With fur thick enough

To knit a warm coat

As adulthood nears

I'll make this request

I don't want to inherit

My Dad's hairy chest


It's creepy to touch

It's woolly and weird

If stuck to his chin

It could be a beard

The piece of my Pa

Where birds choose to nest

I don't want to inherit

My Dad's hairy chest


He gives it a shave

He gives it a trim

It's blow-dried and brushed

Straight after a swim

Though Mum thinks it's cool

I say smooth is best

I don't want to inherit

My Dad's hairy chest

Ten Ways to NOT Treat a Book

1. Don’t write, draw or scribble on it (unless it’s an exercise book, colouring book or similar).

2. Don’t drop or throw it off a tall building, cliff or mountain.

3. Don’t let your baby brother or sister handle it with their icky, sticky jam-covered fingers.

4. And, if they do, don’t try to clean it in the washing machine.

5. Don’t go on long journeys or holidays without it

6. Don’t put it down near a hunger-crazed dog, gorilla, hippo, crocodile, shark, lion, wildebeest etc.

7. Don’t bend the corners of the pages (for goodness sake, use a bookmark!).

8. Don’t take it into the shower, bath, swimming pool or deep-sea diving.

9. Don’t keep it a secret - tell the world how brilliant it is.

10. And, most importantly, don’t, don’t, don’t EVER leave it on the shelf, unread


Lunch Break!

I don’t want to study Saxons in history

Create copper oxide in chemistry

When attempting maths I can’t keep awake

So my favourite lesson is…

LUNCH BREAK!


I’m bored with beady-eyed bugs in biology

Examining rocks in geology

P.E. is hard work - far too much to take

So my favourite lesson is…

LUNCH BREAK!


I’ve never made any sense of geography

Speaking French remains a huge mystery

My physics exam was one big mistake

So my favourite lesson is…

LUNCH BREAK!


I’m fed up with writing poems in literacy

Signing songs in music is not for me

I prefer chicken, chips and chocolate cake

So my favourite lesson is…

LUNCH BREAK!

LUNCH BREAK!

LUNCH BREAK!*


(*Meet you in the dinner hall at 12.15)

Marathon Man

He’s a man with a purpose

He’s a man with a plan

He’s a man on a mission

He’s a marathon man


Flying fast out the blocks

Number one on his vest

Proudly leading the pack

Hopes for personal best

Watch him run down your road

Watch him sprint down your street

With his super-strong legs

Joined to super-strong feet


He’s a man with a purpose

He’s a man with a plan

He’s a man on a mission

He’s a marathon man


Trains so hard at the gym

An obsessive speed freak

Brags ‘I could beat the Flash

‘Any day of the week!’

Fully frozen in snow

Scorched and sizzled in sun

To us - our worst nightmare

To him - fabulous fun


He’s a man with a purpose

He’s a man with a plan

He’s a man on a mission

He’s a marathon man


Ever up to the task

Of each challenging race

‘Thump, thump, thump’ pounds his heart

As he quickens the pace

Fully focused, flat out

Past the finishing line

Gains a medal of gold

In a world record time


He’s a man with a purpose

He’s a man with a plan

He’s a man on a mission

He’s a marathon man


He’s a marathon man

He’s a marathon man

HE’S A MARATHON MAN!

Please Can We Have Our Ball Back?

It muddied your washing

Bypassing the back door

Flew fast as a rocket

Spread dirt on your new floor


I'm bending on one knee

And begging 'forgive me'

But...

Please can we have our ball back?


It plopped in your fishpond

Broke your kitchen window

Pushed over the pot plant

Thus bruising your big toe


We're sorry we're uncool

So hopeless at football

But...

Please can we have our ball back?


It bounced on your cat's head

The lawn you were mowing

The patio table

The sunflowers you're growing


Your anger is rising

Which isn't surprising

But...

Please can we have our ball back?


It created chaos

Spilt your cup of coffee

Then carried on upwards

Got stuck in your oak tree


Now be a good neighbour

This is a huge favour

But...

Please can we have our ball back?

the giANT

Inside the ANThill

ANT 1 was the most importANT

ANT 2 was a reliANT assistANT

ANT 3 was absolutely brilliANT

ANT 4 was perfectly pleasANT

ANT 5 was oh so elegANT

ANT 6 was rather arrogANT

ANT 7 was frequently...er...um...hesitANT

ANT 8 was incredibly observANT

ANT 9 was extremely tolerANT

ANT 10 always wore deodorANT


one day a new ANT enquired

'can I come to live in your ANThill?'


the other ANTs yelled

'no you cAN'T!'

they were adamANT


why?

cos he was an elephANT!'

Dear Doctor

When I was much younger Mum took me to the doctor

'How can I help?' She asked

I explained:

'Metaphors constantly fall from my mouth

'I crave similes like a child craves chocolate

'I'm addicted to applying amazing alliteration

'And astounding, astonishing adjectives

'Some of the time

'I just have to rhyme

'My brain frequently explodes with onomatopoeia...

BOOM!!! BANG!!!

'I consistently and enthusiastically use adverbs

'I understand, realise, recognise, appreciate, am aware of the importance of synonyms

'My friend, Personification, suggested I visited you for a cure'


So the doctor wrote me a prescription

'One pencil, one note pad'

Then advised me

'Try writing poetry and you'll soon be well'


So I did

The Reason I Love Raisins

What's the reason I love raisins?

Well the reason is they're cool

Like sultanas (not bananas)

Tiny, tasty, squidgy balls


Squashed up tightly in their boxes

Perfect pick from any bunch

Yes I'm really rating raisins

Ripe and ready for my lunch


Raisins, raisins are amazing

Though they're merely shrivelled grapes

Bring the best out of your biscuits

Brilliant if you're baking cakes


I love rapping about raisins

Wrote this rhythmic raisin rhyme

Got a recipe to roast them

With fresh rosemary and thyme


A liaison with a raisin's

Not a thing to ridicule

Because I was raised on raisins

So I reason: RAISINS RULE!

I've Lost My Mojo

I've lost my mojo – where'd it go?

A tragedy! A bitter blow!

It vanished, vamoosed in thin air

If only I had bought a spare

I'm unable to be my best

Despondent and a tad depressed


I've lost my mojo – sad but true

It's oval-shaped, electric blue

Bright, bouncy, silky, soft and smooth

Without it I can't find my groove

The dodo died out - it's extinct

My mojo could be too I think


I've lost my mojo – O.M.G.!

I need it now A.S.A.P.

All inspiration has run dry

Can't raise a smile although I try

My batteries are truly flat

From plus to minus just like that


I've lost my mojo – in a flash!

My sunny sky fell with a CRASH!

My brain is frazzled in a fuzz

So like a bee that has no buzz

Friends say 'You lack zap, zest and zeal

'We hope your mojo comes back...Neal!'