Elastic Band

When I first held an elastic band

It moved like magic in my hand

What an amazing piece of rubber

Losing its shape only to recover


It streeeetched

It straaaained

And streeeetched again


Morphing into so many things

A catapult

A bracelet!

A ball!

A ring!


It streeeeeeeetched

It straaaaaaaained

And streeeeeeeetched again


Flicking, pinging

Twisting, twirling

Twanging, strumming

Bending, curling


It streeeeeeeeeeeetched

It straaaaaaaaaaaained

And streeeeeeeeeeeetched again


Until I had an unfortunate mishap

It streeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetched

It straaaaaaaaaaaaaaaained

Then, oh dear...

It ssssssssss napped!

Acrophobic Superhero

When I do my job I'm extremely efficient

There's one vital skill though at which I'm deficient

I jump, run and swim

I can win any fight

But this superhero is frightened of heights


This terror I have I'm embarrassed to mention

I look up and instantly have hypertension

Bad guys climb tall buildings

Then vanish from sight

Yes this superhero is frightened of heights


The super crooks lose me as soon as they're flying

I shake like a leaf ever stressed out and crying

Stuck to the floor frozen

Extremely uptight

Cos this superhero is frightened of heights


The villains soar skyward with their stolen money

They laugh at me grounded and think that it's funny

My might is less mighty

My future less bright

While this superhero is frightened of heights


Despite my fear I'm never down, filled with sorrow

I have my first therapy session tomorrow

So please, cross your fingers

Hope I'll be alright

And not a superhero frightened of heights



Creaky Door

Creaky door you drive me nuts

When you open, when you shut

Your noise nestles in my head

Rolling round till I see red


Horror movie sound effect

Making me a nervous wreck

Earplugs are no help at all

Still I hear you through the wall


Oiling you - that did no good

Nor did polishing your wood

Why can’t you be silent, smooth

Every time you need to move?


Thought I’d bought a normal door

Like the others in the store

But since you came home last week

You just creeeeeeeaaaaaaak!

And creeeeeeeaaaaaaak!

And creeeeeeeaaaaaaak!

Zoo

The tortoises were tumbling

The bumblebees were bumbling

The pandas were meandering

The pangolins were dangling

The pelicans were pondering

The wallabies were wandering


The mandrills were admiring

The penguins were perspiring

The manatees were muttering

The scorpions were spluttering

The cockatoos were doodling

The catfish were canoodling


The chimpanzees were chest-beating

The anteaters were ant-eating

The porcupines were prattling

The buffalos were battling

The wildebeests were wiggling

The seahorses were squiggling


And what did the human do?

He wrote this poem all about

The creatures in the zoo

Why Can't I Be a Pirate?

Why can't I be a pirate?

I'd sail the Seven Seas

With utter joy

Shout “Land ahoy!”

Then drop the anchor where I please


Why can't I be a pirate?

Unquestionably cool

Hunt treasure chests

North, south, east, west

Select my crew from friends at school


Why can't I be a pirate?

I'd never walk the plank

Spot me on board

Spyglass and sword

Gold coins stashed safely in my bank


Why can't I be a pirate?

I'd give it a real try

My dream career

A buccaneer

“Raise skull and crossbones to the sky!”


Why can't I be a pirate

And live a life afloat?

Cos there's a hitch

A tiny glitch...

I don't possess a ship or boat

Never Wear Shorts

Never wear shorts in the winter

Never wear shorts in a breeze

You'll catch a chill, feel very ill

And both your knees will freeze


Never wear shorts when it's bitter

Never wear shorts when it's bleak

Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Achoo!

You'll be in bed all week


Never wear shorts in a blizzard

Never wear shorts in the snow

Two legs + ice = not nice

While cutting cold winds blow


Never wear shorts if it's zero

Never wear shorts if it's brisk

Bare limbs turn blue, you'll catch the flu

Now is that worth the risk?


But...

Always wear shorts in the summer

Always wear shorts in the heat

Then you can plan a healthy tan

From thighs down to your feet!


BOO!

I would...

Screech at it

Scream at it

Grab at it

Groan at it

Lunge at it

Laugh at it

Mumble and moan at it


Bark at it

Bawl at it

Rage at it

Rail at it

Hiss at it

Howl at it

Whimper and wail at it


Squeal at it

Squawk at it

Flap at it

Fly at it

Dig at it

Dive at it

Throw custard pies at it


Give it a whole lot of verbal abuse

But I wouldn't...

Say “BOO!” to a goose


Two-Headed Friend

My friend has two heads

It's strange yet it's true

So uses four eyes

When looking at you


And both sets of ears

Each time that he hears

Whenever he cries

He doubles his tears


He uses both mouths

Each time that he speaks

Though some people laugh

He's proud he's unique


He'll wear two warm hats

While out in the snow

Both noses will sneeze

If he catches cold


Possessing two heads

He tells me is fun

Insisting two heads

Are better than one

pHoNe ZoMbIe

My big brother's a pHoNe ZoMbIe

Forever on his phone

Far from the crowd

Head in the Cloud

Demanding “Please leave me alone!”


My big brother's a pHoNe ZoMbIe

Won't answer to his name

He sits transfixed

His fingers twitch

While texting friends and playing games


My big brother's a pHoNe ZoMbIe

His mind's melted away

Eyes hypnotised

Glazed, mesmerised

For twenty-four hours every day


My big brother's a pHoNe ZoMbIe

He's off school yet again

So screen obsessed

Won't eat, won't rest

His phone's connected to his brain


I pleaded to my parents “Help!

“What are we gonna do?”

But they just stared

Into thin air...

Cos they are both pHoNe ZoMbIeS too!


Gremlins

There are gremlins in the fuse box

So our houselights keep on flashing

There are gremlins in my PC

So the Internet keeps crashing


There are gremlins in our old clock

That are stopping it from ticking

There are gremlins in my glue stick

That prevent the glue from sticking


There are gremlins on the tube trains

Running late at King's Cross Station

There are gremlins in my pencil

Messing,, with “my ;!; punctuation'


There are gremlins in my mobile

Though you're calling it's not ringing

I hear gremlins in the shower

(Possibly just Dad's bad singing)


There are gremlins in my sock drawer

That's why all my socks are smelly

When I'm hungry there are gremlins

Rumbling inside my belly


There are gremlins in my Mum's car

Causing creaking and corrosion

There are gremlins in this poem too

Creating an explosion...

BOOM!

Eight Differences Between a Sausage Dog and a Sausage

A sausage dog will wag its tail

A sausage stays totally still

A sausage dog curls up in its bed

A sausage lies flat on the grill


A sausage dog has got four limbs

A sausage has no arms or legs

A sausage dog is found in a house

A sausage with bacon and eggs


A sausage dog woofs, growls and barks

A sausage you'll never hear talk

A sausage dog loves to exercise

A sausage won't go for a walk


A sausage dog is made of hound

A sausage of cow, fowl or hog

A sausage dog might eats sausages

But a sausage can't eat sausage dogs

I Can

I can bend my knees

I can touch my toes

I can arch my back

I can blow my nose

I can feel my feet

I can blink my eyes

I can dry my tears

Every time I cry


I can beat my chest

I can sway my hips

I can stretch my legs

I can lick my lips

I can nod my head

I can lend an ear

I can flick my wrists

I can scratch my rear


I can comb my hair

I can stroke my chin

I can puff my cheeks

Wear the widest grin

But my teacher says

While I am still young

That I need to learn

How to hold my tongue!

If I Was a Knight in Armour

If I was a knight in armour

Dragon slayer

Maiden charmer

Quests! Adventures! Magic! Drama!

If I was a knight in armour


Living in the Middle Ages

Banquets! Jesters!

Squires! Pages!

Getting dressed would be in stages

If I was a knight in armour


Wield a sword – my chosen weapon

Hold a shield

(Added protection)

Highly skilled at genuflection

If I was a knight in armour


Medieval castle dweller

Chivalrous

A gentle fella

Stay rust-free with an umbrella

If I was a knight in armour


Win all jousting competitions

Serve my king

On valiant missions

No time to watch television

If I was a knight in armour


If I was a knight in armour

Dragon slayer

Maiden charmer

Quests! Adventures! Magic! Drama!

If I was a knight in armour


Flowers

I bought you flowers

As a special treat

I bought you flowers

Cos they smelt really sweet

I bought you flowers

Cos they looked so fine

I bought you flowers

Now be my Valentine


I bought you flowers

Such a big bouquet

I bought you flowers

To brighten up your day

I bought you flowers

Coming home from school

Cos I bought you chocolates...

But then I scoffed them all

Beds

I've slept in beds in posh hotels

From Tokyo to Tunbridge Wells

In beds with crisp white cotton sheets

In beds that reek of cheesy feet


I've slept in beds borrowed from friends

In broken beds no one could mend

In waterbeds that sprouted leaks

In beds emitting squeaks and creaks


I've slept in beds with lumps and bumps

In dirty beds where bedbugs jump

In many-sized beds, large and small

But mine's the cosiest of all!

Guilty Pleasures

Screaming aloud as thunder’s roaring

Waking my sister when she’s snoring

Whistling while Dad's watching telly

Telling my brother that he’s smelly


Fibbing to friends I’ve superpowers

Wearing two socks when taking showers

Picking my nose while no one’s looking

Sticking a finger in Mum’s cooking*


Eating the skin of chocolate custard

Liking my ice cream dipped in mustard

Spending all day in bed at leisure

What is your favourite guilty pleasure?


(*Always a different finger to that mentioned in the line above)