My Secret Chocolate Stash

I've got a secret chocolate stash
That's hidden in my house
It's stored securely somewhere safe
For when my sweets run out

It's buried under lock and key
And is completely mine
A scrumptious bar of heaven
My emergency supply

And if today is grim and grey
With rain instead of sun
I'll bolt my door, sit on my floor
Then stuff my face for fun

I know it isn't healthy
I know it isn't right
But I just can't resist a food
So beautiful to bite

Twelve perfect squares to savour
Gobble, nibble, nosh and pick
I don't care I've eaten dinner
And am feeling sick

Who is the one to turn to
When I am feeling down?
My friendly, fatty, sugary mate
Delicious, smooth and brown

You can turn my bedroom inside out
Until it's totally trashed
Still you'll never, ever, ever, ever, ever find...
My secret chocolate stash 

Have a Laugh

Have a chuckle
Have a giggle
Till your belly bobs and jiggles
Go on - act completely daft
Have a laugh
Ha! Ha! Ha!

You'll feel jolly
You'll feel cheery
When your day is dull and dreary
Don't sing in your shower or bath
Have a laugh
Ha! Ha! Ha!

Ha! Ha! Ha! 
He! He! He!
Try a bit of comedy
Laugh, laugh, laugh
Have a laugh!
Ha! Ha! Ha!

Make a smirk
Make a smile
Keep on grinning all the while
Like hyenas
Not giraffes
Have a laugh
Ha! Ha! Ha!

Why be grumpy?
Why be moody?
When you're down and bored and broody
Reach out to your happy half
Have a laugh
Ha! Ha! Ha!

Ha! Ha! Ha! 
He! He! He!
Melt away your misery
Laugh, laugh, laugh
Have a laugh!
Ha! Ha! Ha!

Poetry is a State of Mind

I was going to write a poem about self-doubt
But wasn't sure I was up to the task

I was going to write a poem about laziness
But just couldn't be bothered

I was going to write a poem about jealousy
But you had already produced a better one (and I hate you for it)

I was going to write a poem about despair
But what would have been the point?

I was going to write a poem about amnesia
But kept forgetting to start it 

I was going to write a poem about perfectionism
But didn't know where to put that semi-colon 

I was going to write a poem about procrastination
But decided to wait till tomorrow

I was going to write a poem about fear
But was too terrified to put pen to paper

I was going to write a poem about arrogance
But did not want to embarrass other poets with my brilliance

I was going to write a poem about paranoia
But the voices were whispering 'Don't do it Neal”

Finally, I was going to write a poem about positive thinking
So I did

A Wookiee is Not Just for Christmas

A Wookiee is not just for Christmas
He'll want to stick with you forever
If you pick up one
On the way to the sun
You'll always be spotted together

A Wookiee is not just for Christmas
Han Solo found out from Chewbacca
He'll groan, growl and howl
Has breath pretty foul
But is loyal as a mate or a mucker

A Wookiee is not just for Christmas
Though stronger than wrestling champions
A tall furry rug
He loves to give hugs
And make you a perfect companion

A Wookiee is not just for Christmas
He won't depart sooner or later
Much more than a pet
He'll baffle the vet
And help you defeating Darth Vader
 
A Wookiee is not just for Christmas
It's true – just check out Wookieepedia
As Star Wars fans know
If you take him home
Once moved in he won't want to leave ya

The Blue-Footed Booby Bird

Beady eyes and pointed beak
He says "Booby", we say "Freak"
Looking strange enough to live inside a horror movie
You'll never see a bird like the blue-footed booby

If he could choose now instead
He'd prefer his tootsies red
Greedily scoffed all the fish I cooked for tea last Tuesday
You'll never see a bird like the blue-footed booby

Always he's the laughing stock
Ought to buy some long white socks
Though he tries at acting tough and rough and mean and moody
You'll never see a bird like the blue-footed booby

Will he ever get a date?
Will he ever find a mate?
Like a Disney character that's comic and cartoony
You'll never see a bird like the blue-footed booby

Standing out from any crowd
Other birds all laugh aloud
Why did Mother Nature make him wacky, weird and loopy?
You'll never see a bird like the blue-footed booby

So...
If you see a booby bird while visiting the zoo
There's no need to remind him that his feet are coloured blue!

Dave's Dad's Eating Dog Food for Dinner

Dave's dad's eating dog food for dinner
Dave's dad's eating dog food for tea
He tells us “Don't waste it
“It's yummy and tasty
“And every dog I know agrees”

Dave's dad's eating dog food in restaurants
Dave's dad's eating dog food in pubs
Wherever the venue
Whatever the menu
He only has one choice of grub

Dave's dad's eating dog food with custard
Dave's dad's eating dog food on toast
When he has this craving
He might pinch the gravy
You're wanting to pour on your roast

Dave's dad's eating dog food with ketchup
Dave's dad's eating dog food with cream
The doctor's remarking
“He's certainly barking
“And now seeing dog food in dreams!”

Dave's dad's eating dog food for supper
Dave's dad's eating dog food for snacks  
The dog, starving hungry
Who last ate on Sunday
Is licking his lips at the cat

Dave's dad's eating dog food for breakfast
Dave's dad's eating dog food for lunch
He says “Keep your meat pies
“Fruit, salad and French fries
“'Cause dog food's the pick of the bunch!”

Frankenstein's Monster Lives

With a thousand nuts
And a thousand bolts
Metal, planks of wood
Plus a million volts
There's a creature born
At the crack of dawn
Frankenstein's Monster lives

Standing eight feet tall
Hear him grunt and growl
At the lightning's flash
And the werewolf's howl
Are those shrieks and shouts
From that haunted house?
Frankenstein's Monster Lives

Wearing hobnail boots
Tatty scarecrow clothes
Check his flattened head
And his ugly nose
Jagged rotten teeth
Such a frightening freak
Frankenstein's Monster Lives

Skin of grimy grey
Add a tinge of green
You can catch him soon
On a movie screen
Banging on your door?
Then you'll know for sure
Frankenstein's Monster Lives

If he's rising from his slab you
Better run or else he'll grab you
Frankenstein's Monster Lives

Pizza Delivery Man

Pizza delivery man
Pizza delivery man

I'm the man to bring your pizza
It's my job, it's my career

Pizza delivery man
Pizza delivery man

Mushroom, onion, chicken topping
Ham, tomato, there's no stopping

Pizza delivery man
Pizza delivery man

Megasize with pepperoni
You can order if you phone me

Pizza delivery man
Pizza delivery man

Love to taste that mozzarella?
Look no further I'm your fella

Pizza delivery man
Pizza delivery man

Parsley, basil, oregano
You'll believe you're in Milano

Pizza delivery man
Pizza delivery man

Garlic bread I'm baking also
Pick your dinner from my menu

Pizza delivery man
Pizza delivery man

To your door in half an hour
Brought to you by pizza power

Pizza delivery man
Pizza delivery man

Pizza delivery man
Pizza delivery man

Onesie

You say your onesie's cuddly, comfortable and cute
A warming, woolly, wonderful, one-piece sleep-in snuggly suit
But...
You wear it when you walk the dog
And in your neighbour's house
You wear it in your garden
As you're ambling about
You wear it under overcoats
When popping to the shops
This stupid fashion statement
Should immediately stop

You wear it when you're sunbathing
For journeys in the car
You wear it every dinnertime
And in dark cinemas
When friends come round to visit you
While doing household jobs
Admit it - you're just lazy
And love living like a slob

You wear it to put out the trash
And probably in the bath
Check out that mirror what you see's
Completely dim and daft
Who cares if it's your birthday
Christmas, Ramadan or Lent?
Your clothes selection must be more
Than barmy baggy tents

Please promise me this simple rule's cemented in your head
'The only way a onesie's cool is when it's worn in bed!'

 

Teacher's Pet

Please set me extra homework
And ten tough English tests
The other students may be sweet
But I'm more sweet than them
So keen and conscientious
The perfect child I'll bet
I hang around your coattails Miss
I am the Teacher's Pet

I'm telling tales on Tariq
On Kieran, Kaz and Kim
In all class competitions
I'm guaranteed to win
Though kids say I'm the creepiest
And crawliest they've met
Still I'm boasting 'bout my grades
I am the Teacher's Pet

I always have my hand high
Just waiting to be picked
I would shine Miss's shoes for her
If I had them to lick
Who buys her sweets for break time
And won't let her forget
While many pupils think they're cool
I am the Teacher's Pet?

Miss doesn't need a goldfish
A parrot or a cat
Chinchilla or Chihuahua
A rabbit or a rat
She doesn't need a hamster
A stick insect or snake
'Cause as the Teacher's Pet I am her very special mate

Her favourite of favourites
I do not feel regret
That all at school are quite appalled
I am the Teacher's Pet

Friend

A friend is a buddy, a partner, a pal
A friend's anywhere, anytime, anyhow
When you’re facing troubles
And worries and woes
A real friend is there and will not let you go

A friend will ply your lungs with laughter
A friend will be your sticking plaster
Make you happy ever after
A safety net
A sure-fire bet

A friend is a neighbour, a backer, an aide
Who smooths your rough edges when you're worn and frayed
When loneliness beckons
Or hopelessness looms
Their kindness will catapult you to the moon

A friend will not refuse a mission
A friend will fuel your optimism
Tough cement that heals division
Erase the blue
Is what they do

A friend's a companion, a comrade a chum
There are other numbers but they're number one
When days are huge mountains
Far too tall to climb
A friend is the leg-up that's lifting you high

A friend will not have cause to doubt you
A friend won't want to live without you
Even when disaster clouts you
Secure as locks
Like solid rocks

A friend is a buddy, a partner, a pal
A friend's anywhere, anytime, anyhow

Lurgy

When your eyes can't open
And your tongue hangs out
When your arms are flapping
There is little doubt
You've caught that germ
That's been buzzing about
You've come down with the lurgy! 

When you're taking tablets
That have no effect
When your brain feels bashed
And your body real wrecked
Green spots are spreading
'Cross your knees and neck
You've come down with the lurgy! 

When you shiver like a fridge
Then you wobble like a jelly
As your toenails ache
There's a bulging in your belly
And sweat rolls down
Till you fill both your wellies
You've come down with the lurgy! 

When your temperature rises
To a hundred and ten
When your ears are ringing
Like they're near Big Ben
When your feet smell worse
Than a pig in a pen
You've come down with the lurgy! 

When you try to talk
Though blow bubbles instead
When the doctor's despairingly
Shaking his head
Saying “So, so sorry
“But it seems you're dead!”
You've come down with the lurgy! 

Failed Kamikaze

I'm a failed kamikaze pilot
Due to get the sack
Flying off to missions
Then forever coming back
Always had an awful aim
Wide of targets with my plane

I'm a failed kamikaze pilot
Spot me from your ship
There's no need to panic
As you probably won't be hit
No surprise I'm still alive
Flopped since 1945

I'm a failed kamikaze pilot
Your friendly enemy
Trying hard to bash your boat
I crash into the sea
Playing golf I miss the hole
Never scored a soccer goal

I'm a failed kamikaze pilot
Sadly dodging death
I may strike the bullseye soon
But do not hold your breath
All my mates die in attacks
Seems I've not acquired that knack

I'm a failed kamikaze pilot
Killing's not my thing
Guess I'm not a kind of guy
Who's merciless and mean
If you want to win your war
Please don't call me anymore

I'm a failed kamikaze pilot
Due to get the sack
Flying off to missions
And still I'm coming back

Lists

A list of my most favourite films
A list of sweets to eat
A list of must have computer games
A list of top ten books to read

A list of presents for Dad's birthday
A list of winners of the World Cup
A list of Kings and Queens of England
A list of what I will be when I grow up

A list of countries I really should visit
A list of things to do indoors when it rains
A list of zoo animals I'd keep as pets
A list of teachers at school with daft names

A list of friends to invite for tea
A list of New Year Resolutions for January 1st
A list of strange people who live down my street
A list of lessons I think are the worst

A list of pop star posters pinned on my wall
A list of words for this week's spelling test
A list of all numbers up to infinity
A list of dangerous dinosaurs I like the best

A list of poems I'm planning to write
A list of ingredients for carrot cake
A list of every colour in the rainbow and more
A list of girls in my class I would date

When so much stuff spins round in my head
I keep calm, don't stress and make a list instead

Yesterday My Head Exploded

Yesterday my head exploded with a loud KA-BOOM!
Wanted to learn maths but found there wasn't any room
Couldn't fit more knowledge in
Now my neck just has a chin

Yesterday my head exploded with a loud KER-SPLAT!
Leaving me an empty space right underneath my hat
Tried to squeeze in one new fact
Straw that broke the camel's back

Yesterday my head exploded with a loud KA-POW!
Lost my ears, my nose, my mouth, my teeth, my hair, my brow
While my friends looked on and laughed
I sat headless in the class

Yesterday my head exploded with a loud KER-RUNCH!
Had to cease my studying, unable to eat lunch
Too much work too little play
Caused my top to blow away 

Yesterday my head exploded with a loud KER-POP
As my brain has disappeared this poem has to...STOP!

Tornado Tortoise

Tornado Tortoise
Always lightning fast
While others plod and ponder
You see him zipping past
Never creeps and never crawls
Never stops and never stalls

Tornado Tortoise
Quickest of his kind
As friends go slow - one mile a year
He leaves them all behind
Eats ten lettuce for his tea
Fantastic velocity

Tornado Tortoise
Such an athlete! 
Tiny tortoise trainers
On those tiny tortoise feet
Check out his new running kit
Don't you know he's super fit!

Tornado Tortoise
Won Olympic gold
In the creature hundred metres
Left opponents cold
Has no need to hibernate
Is he using roller skates?

I asked him
"Why are you so swift, Tornado won't you tell?"
He had a think
Then gave a wink
And said...
"I'm powered by shell!

Bad Smells

Bad smells
Brussels sprouts
Bad smells
Mouldy trout

Bad smells
Dirty dogs
Bad smells
Squashed frogs

Bad smells
Stinky socks
Bad smells
Chicken pox

Bad smells
Pigsties
Bad smells
Dead flies

Bad smells
Rotten eggs
Bad smells
Monster breath

Bad smells
Dentists
Bad smells
Armpits

Bad smells
Green slime
Bad smells
Cheese rind

Bad smells
Mud 'n' muck
Bad smells
Yuck, yuck, yuck

Bad smells
Dustbins
Bad smells
DISGUSTING!