Claude le Croissant

Je m'appelle Claude le Croissant
The alternative to bread
Why bore yourself with sandwiches?
Just purchase me instead

Je m'appelle Claude le Croissant
For your breakfast, lunch or tea
My body shape's a crescent moon
Or like the letter 'c'

You can stuff me with a salad
You can eat me with cheese spread
You can sprinkle me with almonds
Then shake sugar on my head
I have travelled here by Eurostar
From somewhere near the Med

Je m'appelle Claude le Croissant
I am neither bun nor cake
Soft and flaky I'm the pastry
That's the tastiest of bakes

Je m'appelle Claude le Croissant
I'm the favoured food of France
Other doughs try to outdo me
But they never stand a chance

You can cover me with butter
You can smother me with jam
You can serve me with a salad
You can fill me up with ham
Your companion from the Continent
Remember who I am

Je m'appelle Claude le Croissant
Star of your patisserie
If you bite me and you like me
Shout out “Oui! Oui! Oui!”

Captain Polystyrene

There's a hero who's unusual
And some say most peculiar
Who's not composed of silver, steel or rock
He looks ready to expire
Melts away in any fire
He's Captain Polystyrene
And he's not much cop

Weedy as a tiny feather
Watch him crumble in bad weather
Never giving people confidence at all
There's nobody who is lighter
There's nobody who is whiter
He's Captain Polystyrene
And he's so uncool

He may break up during battle
Even when in fights with cattle
He is weaker than a milky cup of tea
With a face that's full of pimples
And a body full of dimples
He's Captain Polystyrene
A catastrophe

No-one cares when he's attacking
Once this guy was used in packing
He's constructed from some old leftover scraps
Flexing muscles far too little
He's a polymer who's brittle
He's Captain Polystyrene
Quite a useless chap

Yes he's really unfantastic
Strictly speaking he's a plastic
And his enemy's the fragile Colonel Glass
With frail frames they both are lumbered
I think that their days are numbered
He's Captain Polystyrene
You should call him last 

Odd Socks

Odd socks are all I ever wear
I cannot make a matching pair

Which one vanished in the night?
My sock that's coloured white

Which one got chewed by the cat?
My sock that's coloured black

Which one fell into the sink
My sock that's coloured pink

Which one disappeared from town?
My sock that's coloured brown

Which one did Mum set alight?
My sock with orange stripes

Which one was lost under my bed?
My sock that's coloured red

Which one was advertised and sold?
My sock that's coloured gold

Which one got stuck in the washing machine?
My sock that's coloured green

Which one upped and ran away?
My sock that's coloured grey

Which one was tangled up in knots?
My sock with purple spots

Which one hid inside my shoe?
My sock that's coloured blue

And which one did I have stolen?
My sock that had a big hole in! 

Odd socks are all I ever wear
I cannot make a matching pair

SSSSNAP! Mr Shark

SSSSNAP! 
Mister Shark don't bite my hand!
SSSSNAP! 
Mister Shark don't bite my toes!
SSSSNAP! 
Mister Shark don't bite my ear!
SSSSNAP! 
Mister Shark don't bite my nose!

SSSSNAP! 
Mister Shark don't bite my chest!
SSSSNAP! 
Mister Shark don't bite my cheek!
SSSSNAP! 
Mister Shark don't bite my hair!
SSSSNAP! 
Mister Shark don't bite my feet!

SSSSNAP! 
Mister Shark don't bite my knee!
SSSSNAP! 
Mister Shark don't bite my thumb!
SSSSNAP! 
Mister Shark don't bite my back!
SSSSNAP! 
Mister Shark don't bite my bum!

Mister Shark please don't eat me up!
Mister Shark please keep your jaws shut!
SSSSNAP!

Shine

When there's gleaming in you eye
And a beaming in the sky
When the whole world is fluorescent
With a glow of luminescence
Through the chaos it's the time
For Shine

Light electric that surrounds
Scorching grass upon the ground
Supervillains run for cover
She has brightness like no other
Now it has to be the time
For Shine

As a scintillating jewel
Burning neverending fuel
Is she human is she creature?
Is she more a force of nature?
When there's danger it's the time
For Shine

There's no night there's only day
You'll conceal yourself in shade
Spreading solar radiation
Queen of all illumination
Where there's darkness it's the time
For Shine

Too Many Superheroes

The skies are clogged and crowded
The costume shops sold out
Long underwear's in fashion
Too many superheroes about

Fierce battles raging daily
And fights on every street
Each time I turn a corner
There's another hero to meet

They all have their own fan clubs
They all have their own style
Are beautiful or handsome
And in seconds can run a mile

Their names I mix and muddle
Who's who I never know
I think they'd stretch to Saturn
If laid in line from head to toe

Each one has their own comic
Appears in their own book
Or features in a movie
Super-types wherever I look

The best names have been taken
No powers now are new
But with too many supervillains about also...
We need all those superheroes too

Everyone Loves a Cliffhanger

Will our hero make it just in time
To diffuse a bomb or prevent a crime?
Will he stop that tank
Heading for the bank?
Everyone loves a cliffhanger

Will he save those children in distress?
Will he hold out firm or will he confess?
Will the plot be foiled?
Will he boil in oil?
Everyone loves a cliffhanger

Will he win the war but then lose the girl?
Live a life marooned on a distant world?
Will he slow the truck
Or press 'self-destruct'?
Everyone loves a cliffhanger

Will his secret ID be revealed?
Will nemesis have him cruelly killed?
Will he teleport
Or will he be caught?
Everyone loves a cliffhanger

Will he sink in quicksand like a stone?
Stay stuck in a cell locked away alone?
Will he spring the trap?
Will his frayed rope snap?
Everyone loves a cliffhanger

Will Professor Madd amputate his brain?
Will the antidote help him live again?
Will he break the spell?
I'm not allowed to tell
'Cause Everyone loves a cliffhanger

Born a Cartoon

I was born a cartoon
Sitting on this very page
Feeling colourful and cool
Wacky, weird, extremely strange
I'm a 2D animation
From someone's imagination

It's an odd existence
Living in a world that's flat
With my home inside a frame
That's edged in white or black
Still I'm starring in this feature
Though I'm only just a picture

Titles rest above me
And an advert to my right
While in panels underneath
You'll find me in a fight
As a hero I'm no stranger
When it comes to facing danger

If I was a human
I'd jump from this comic strip
Buy a house and meet a wife
Then travel quite a bit
It's a dream it's my ambition
To be fact instead of fiction

But I remain a cartoon
Grab my mag and have a read
I will follow from behind
And let my artist lead
I am his unique creation
He made me an illustration

Now my story's ended
Please don't throw me in your bin
Store me somewhere safe and sound
So we can meet again
Or perhaps if you prefer to
Why not purchase next month's issue?

Terrific Tot

He's a hero in a nappy
But don't let that put you off
He can tackle twenty rhinos
He can handle rough and tough
Though he nearly is a new born
And still peeing in a pot
He's the baby
Who can save me
Shout his name
“Terrific Tot!”

Special milk gives him his power
Special biscuits give him speed
Holds his rattle during battle
Always back for his next feed
Though he goo-goos and he gaa-gaas
And his nose is dripping snot
He's the one
The needy run to
Shout his name
“Terrific Tot!”

Spot him in his bib of spandex
Matching mittens on his hands
Grabbing kids from burning buildings
Crushing evil where it stands
Though he's tiny, sometimes whiny
And spends nighttimes in a cot
He a cutie
Dressed in booties
Shout his name
“Terrific Tot!”

He's attending kindergarten
Missing lessons to fight crime
While he's cuddling his teddy
Ending evil every time
Though he's sucking on his dummy
And his mum still wipes his bot
He's the best to
Stage a rescue
Shout his name
“Terrific Tot!”

Onomatoheroes

Boooooom!
Solar Soldier tackles monster hoards upon the moon
Thumpppppp!
Mister Mighty Muscles saves a town from Deadly Doom
Woooooosh!
Purple Pigeon's soaring swiftly into darkened skies
Zzzzzzip!
Sister Speed sprints to the rescue
Did you see her gliding by?

Craaaaaack!
Now the Red Volcano wants to get in on the act
Baaaaang!
Mistress Universe destroys an alien attack
Boiiiiiing!
Catapult fights robber gangs who plan a cunning raid
Splaaaaaat!
Orange Master catches crooks
With radioactive marmalade
 
Thwipppppp!
Wild Witch ties up two bad guys with her gold lasso
Hiyaaaaaah!
Watch Karate Chicken wield his wacky, weird kung fu
Powwwwww!
Lady Lionheart defeats a villain with one punch
Brrrrrr!
Ice Cold Kid has vowed to save all humankind
In time for lunch

Here come the superheroes, so cover up your ears
Battling their enemies with onomatopoeia!

Professor Bad

About a superhero born with an unfortunate last name!

I'm Professor Bad
But I'm actually good
A superhero misunderstood
Not a Sheriff of Nottingham
More a Robin Hood

Proving you can't tell a book by its cover
If I could pick a surname
I'd choose any other
This mess is the fault of my father and mother
Really, I'm not bad at all

I help young children cross busy streets
I always offer old ladies my seat
The nicest person you ever could meet
Though as I fight for freedom in the universe
My negative title weighs me down like a curse 

Why isn't there a halo above me
As people out there clearly love me?
Honestly, I'm not bad at all

Yet I'm stuck with this problem
For the rest of my life
Mrs Bad is too
(Yes, she's my wife)
Nobody I rescue is ever impressed
To see the word 'Bad' 
Written on my chest
I'd even take a lie detector test
To show you I'm not bad at all

So don't say to me
“What's in a name?”
I'd reply
“A great deal in this superhero game”
I repeat it again and again and again
Why can't you cement it into your brain?
That villains and me are not the same
I'm Professor Bad
Kind, considerate, cool
If you think me evil
Then you've been fooled
It's safe to let me into your home or school
Because I'm good not bad at all

Bounce

There's a man you can message
If you're ever in trouble
Body shape of a football
Or a massive soap bubble

Wears a costume of plastic
And a skin made of rubber
What a strange superhero
So unlike any other

He can bounce on the pavement
He can bounce off big buildings
He can bounce 'cross the ocean
He can splat supervillains

He can bounce over rooftops
He can bounce 'cross the blue sky
He can bounce along train tracks
He can flatten the bad guys

Such a cool Humpty Dumpty
With a trampoline tummy
Not a one you should mess with
Kangaroo mixed with bunny

Some have tried hard to burst him
Some have tried hard to pop him
But once Bounce starts his bouncing
There's no way they can stop him

Nosepicker

There's a nosepicker in my class
I think we all know who
And poking fingers up his nose
Is all he wants to do

He nosepicks at assembly
He nosepicks during break
He nosepicks in our lesson time
Till Miss yells "Stop, for goodness sake!"

There's a nosepicker in my class
Renowned throughout the school
His digits wriggle in the holes
His nostrils ever full

He nosepicks while we register
He nosepicks in P.E.
He nosepicks watching football games
And reading in the library

There's a nosepicker in my class
He's at it yet again
If he can't kick his habit soon
He'll bore into his brain

He nosepicks as he's shopping
He nosepicks down his street
He nosepicks when he's hungry
And he's fancying a snack to eat
 
There's a nosepicker in my class
I think we all know who
So careful where you're sitting
'Cause he may sit next to you...

Somebody Stole My Powers

What would it be like if somebody stole YOUR super powers?

My lasers won't burn and my muscles won't lift
I cannot fly high or punch with a fist
As a superhero I no longer exist
I'm a glass of milk gone sour
Since somebody stole my powers

I can't move fast 'cause my legs won't run
I'm missing the plug from my water gun
From a perfect ten I'm down to a one
The villains all laugh not cower
Since somebody stole my powers

I was king of the world till disaster struck
Now I can't pick up a toy pick-up truck
I swim and get overtaken by ducks
I'm weedier than a dead flower
Since somebody stole my powers

I can't teleport through the thinnest wall
With no strength to burst a small plastic ball
I was beaten up in a nursery school
I wobble like a crumbling tower
Since somebody stole my powers

My skin is pierced by the bluntest pin
When I battle bad guys there's no way to win
So you might as well throw me in your bin
I'm not the hero of the hour
Since somebody stole my powers

Underneath the Mask

So what goes through a superheroes' mind when he/she is not superheroing?

Underneath the mask
I'm a regular guy
Underneath the mask
I'm quiet and shy
Underneath the mask
I'm human too
Underneath the mask
I'm just like you

I've a life that's ordinary
I go shopping and watch telly

Underneath the mask
I'm much more humble
Underneath the mask
I'm vulnerable
Underneath the mask
I'm not well known
Underneath the mask
I'm all alone

I get nervous when I'm flying
When I fight I'm scared of dying

Underneath the mask
I'm not so strong
Underneath the mask
My powers have gone
Underneath the mask
Is a different man
Underneath the mask
Who I really am

Nobody will recognise me
Hidden by my secret ID
There's no superhero to see
Underneath the mask

Night

She is black
She is dark
She is awesome
She is stark

She'll dance with you, confound you
She will wrap her arms around you

She is brave
She is bold
She is magic
She is cold

She'll mesmerise, control you
Steal your mind and take your soul too

She is grim
She is grey
She's the opposite of Day

Is she hero?
Is she villain?
There's no simple way of telling
As she vanishes by light
She is Night

Here Come's Sister Speed!

Faster than a flash
She's a raging rocket
She's a white hot wire
An electric socket
She's a lightning bolt
She's a rampant cheetah
Plot and plan a crime
And she will defeat you

Whizzing to the rescue
In your hour of need
Here comes Sister Speed!

Racing down the road
Tearing through the traffic
Sweeping to the scene
When you're in a panic
She's a whirring blur
Breaking all speed limits
100 metre gold
Guaranteed to win it

Zipping to the rescue
In your hour of need
Here comes Sister Speed!

There is no stopwatch
Quick enough to time her
When her molten core's
Welling up inside her
See that shooting star?
It can never match her
Want her autograph?
Then you'll have to catch her

Zooming to the rescue
In your hour of need
Here comes Sister Speed!

Super Senior

His hair is grey and every day
A little more strength slips away
He's not so brave, he's not so bold
This superhero's rather old

He isn't in a healthy state
Now way beyond his sell-by date
His muscles sag, his body's thin
No villain's ever scared of him

His x-ray vision's not too good
He finds it hard to see through wood
His laser eyes are just a spark
That flicker dimly in the dark

To keep fit he might take a jog
Or choose to walk his ageing dog
'Cause pumping iron at the gym
Is far too strenuous for him

His super costume’s frayed and worn
He wears it when he mows the lawn
For gardening takes up his time
Defeating weeds instead of crime

And if the weather’s warm and dry
He zooms about up in the sky
A crowd will shout from on the ground
"How does that bloke still fly around?"

So though his younger days have gone
This pensioner fights on and on
Insisting that he is the best
To help you if you’re in distress

One

One is single
On it's own
One is separate
All alone
Solo
'Un' in French
In Spanish, 'uno'

One has no partner
One has no pair
One needs no sofa
Only a chair
One is good at solitaire

One may be me
One may be you
But one is definitely not two
One might feel isolated
Sometimes lonely or frustrated

One next to one reads as eleven
1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 = 7
One stands proud as a number
Shaped like a dead straight cucumber  

One is not even
One is odd
One is a sole pea in a pod
One is detached
One is unique
One may be labelled a bit of a freak

One doesn't ride a tandem
One rides a bike
One is independent and does what one likes
One is high performing, top of the charts
You are my special one who's captured my heart

One is sometimes sad
One is frequently fun
So don't take it away
Because then...
There'll be none 

Gadget Man

I've got gadgets that will help you climb and drill into brick walls
I've got gadgets that will do things that you thought impossible

I've got gadgets that will help you run as quick as you can blink
I've got gadgets to enlarge you and to also help you shrink

I've got gadgets that will help you breathe in deepest darkest space
I've got gadgets that will help you change your accent and your face

I've got gadgets that will help your fingers fire flaming sparks
I've got gadgets that will help you see broad daylight in the dark

I've got gadgets that will help you turn into a telepath
I've got gadgets that will help you be a genius at maths

I've got gadgets made with lasers and the latest in high-tech
I've got gadgets wired to gadgets no-one has invented yet

Want to beat that supervillain? Then include me in your plans
Book yourself the next appointment - come and meet the Gadget Man