Delaying Tactics

(Children ask so many questions before starting their work in the hope they will avoid doing it)

“Sir, do we put the date on our work?”
It doesn't matter - just write your poem
“Is that the full date or the short date Sir?”
It doesn't matter - just write your poem

“Do we add our name Sir? And our class?”
It doesn't matter - just write your poem
“I'm not really sure how to spell my name Sir”
It doesn't matter - just write your poem

“Sir, shall we use a pencil or a pen? And my pencil needs sharpening”
It doesn't matter - just write your poem
“Jamie said I've got hairy ears Sir”
It doesn't matter - just write your poem

“Sir, do we do this in our literacy books or our rough books?”
It doesn't matter - just write your poem
“Is it okay to start a new page Sir?”
It doesn't matter - just write your poem

“Sir, do we need to leave a margin?” 
It doesn't matter - just write your poem
“What's the Learning Objective Sir?”
It doesn't matter - just write your poem

“Do we sit in our writing tables or our reading tables Sir?”
It doesn't matter - just write your poem
“Sir, are we allowed to use a dictionary? And what about a thesaurus?”
It doesn't matter - just write your poem

“Sir, shall we underline the title?”
It doesn't matter - just write your poem
“Frankie's copying me Sir!”
It doesn't matter - just write your poem

“Please Sir, I need the toilet”
It doesn't matter - just write your poem
“But I'm really busting Sir!”
It doesn't matter - just write your poem

“Sir, how long should the poem be?”
It doesn't matter - just write your poem
“When's home time Sir?”
It doesn't matter - just write your poem

"Sir...please tell us again...what is it we are actually supposed to be doing?”

Bath Time

Both my big toes stick up the taps
I can't see for the steam
There's splashing, sploshing everywhere
I'm playing submarines

I've made my own tsunami too
A wild tidal wave
It's seeping through the bathroom floor
Dad yells “ Oi Neal! Behave!”

I'm practising my swimming strokes
Fill water bomb balloons
While condensation pours off walls
I sing and whistle tunes

I've wasted all Mum's best shampoo
The shower's on full power
I've shut the door and turned the key
I'll be at least an hour

My rubber duck talks 'Quack! Quack! Quack!'
My plastic shark's afloat
There's just one thing I'm missing though...
I haven't any soap!

I Want to be a Clown

Floppy feet
Tomato nose
Silly hat
Baggy clothes
Honking hooter
Wobbly scooter
I want to be a clown

Pants on fire
Pale white skin
Lipstick mouth
Stupid grin
Crazy foam blower
Custard pie thrower
I want to be a clown

Make you laugh
Make you scared
Burst balloons
Purple hair
Trouser splitter
Banana skin slipper
I want to be a clown

Funny face
Circus star
Bonkers! Nuts!
Ha! Ha! Ha!
Audience soaker
Practical joker
I want to be a clown

Caterpillar, Caterpillar

Caterpillar talking far too much
Chatterpillar, chatterpillar

Caterpillar has something on its head
Hatterpillar, hatterpillar

Caterpillar squashed under my shoe
Flatterpillar, flatterpillar

Caterpillar in flour, egg and water
Batterpillar, batterpillar

Caterpillar wearing a tie
Cravatterpillar, cravatterpillar

Caterpillar with a big round belly
Fatterpillar, fatterpillar

Caterpillar who couldn't care less
Doesn'tmatterpillar, doesn'tmatterpillar

Caterpillar ending this poem (and about time too!)
That'sthatterpillar, that'sthatterpillar

Hurricane Neal

(Hurricanes are named after people. I think Hurricane Neal would be a rather sweet and kind one)

I'm Hurricane Neal
I'll never do you harm
I will not blow your house away
Cause danger or alarm
I wouldn't smash your windows
Or tear up any trees
For I'm a gentle hurricane
No stronger than a sneeze

I'm Hurricane Neal
Who's neither rough nor tough
The breath emitted from my mouth
Is just a tiny puff
I'll not crash cars or buses
Or derail speeding trains
No-one calls me a bully
But the kindest hurricane

I'm Hurricane Neal
When I fly into town
No need to hide in basements
And to batten hatches down
I won't wreck parks and gardens
Or flatten shops and schools
I'm Neal the happy hurricane
The coolest breeze of all

When the Muse Comes a-Knocking

When the muse comes a-knocking
Sparks ignite imagination
When the muse comes a-knocking
You'll explode with inspiration

When the muse comes a-knocking
It will seize your brain and body
When the muse comes a-knocking
Make your legs and arms go wobbly

When the muse comes a-knocking
You're excited and elated
When the muse comes a-knocking
Watch that magic be created

When the muse comes a-knocking
Who knows where you'll both be going
When the muse comes a-knocking
Words and ideas will start flowing

When the muse comes a-knocking
Feel the force you can't be fighting
When the muse comes a-knocking
Pick your pen up and get writing!

What Do You Do When There's Nothing to Do?

What do you do when there's nothing to do?
Do you grow a moustache?
Play your cousin's kazoo? 
Do you start to count up to two trillion and two?
When there's nothing to do

What do you do when there's nothing to say?
Do you hop till you drop?
Feed your dog fromage frais
Do you walk round the garden and paint the grass grey?
When there's nothing to say

What do you do when there's nowhere to go?
Do you cut all your nails?
And then clean out your nose?
Do you eat cans of baked beans until you explode?
When there's nowhere to go

What do you do when there's nothing to watch?
Do you talk to a tree?
Sing a song to a rock?
Do you sit in the fridge till your freezing knees knock?
When there's nothing to watch

What do you do when there's nothing to do?
Do you learn to speak Dutch?
Maybe practise kung fu?
If I'm bored I write poetry - that's what I do
Perhaps next time you can try it too
When there's nothing to do

Invisible Dog

I got an invisible dog for my birthday
It's quite an unusual breed
He goes twice a day for invisible walks
Upon his invisible lead

Together we run round Invisible Park
To chase his invisible ball
I show him off to invisible friends
While at my invisible school

When he has invisible illnesses
He sees the invisible vet
Of all of the animals that she has seen
She says he's the strangest one yet

Invisible dog gives invisible hugs
And lots of invisible licks
He dreams in his basket when sleeping at night
Of fetching invisible sticks

He leaves his invisible doggy dos
Across the invisible ground
I bought big bags of invisible biscuits
To treat my invisible hound

His mouth will emit an invisible bark
When scaring invisible cats
He chews my invisible carpet as well
But I never care about that

The thing is Dad says that it costs far too much
To keep a real dog as a pet
So my imagination made him instead
The most perfect dog you've ever met

Yoga Mum

She's sitting down her mind is lost
Upon her mat with two legs crossed
With stiff, straight back and both eyes closed
Inhaling deeply through her nose

Chanting
“Um, um, um, um, um, um, um”
My mum's a yoga mum um, um 

She practises at home each night
It is the wildest, weirdest sight
Although it helps her to relax
It scares our budgie and our cats

Chanting
“Um, um, um, um, um, um, um”
My mum's a yoga mum um, um 

We see her concentrating hard
While in her tights and leotard
Sometimes a statue on one leg
With both arms wrapped around her head

Chanting
“Um, um, um, um, um, um, um”
My mum's a yoga mum um, um 

So next time you walk through our door
To find mum lying on the floor
There's no need to create a scene
She's calm and chilled and quite serene

Chanting
“Um, um, um, um, um, um, um”
My mum's a yoga mum um, um 

My mum's a yoga mum um, um

Which Witch?

Which witch was the witch with the creepy crazed cat?
Which witch was the witch with the tall pointy hat?

Which witch was the witch with the ugliest face?
Which witch was the witch on a broomstick in space?

Which witch was the witch with the magical wand?
Which witch was the witch eating frogs from my pond?

Which witch was the witch drinking slime coloured green?
Which witch was the witch evil, nasty and mean?

Which witch was the witch with a knobbly chin?
Which witch was the witch with a cackly grin?

Which witch was the witch with a foul, filthy smell?
Which witch was the witch casting dark, deadly spells?

Which witch was the witch with the huge haunted house?
Can you find her 'cause she turned me into a mouse?

Don't Eat the Animals

Don't boil a bat
Don't bake a snake
Don't microwave a millipede
Don't cook koala cake

Don't grill a gorilla
Don't gnaw on a macaw
Never fry a fruit fly
Don't even have it raw

Don't coddle a cockroach
Don't fricassee a frog
Don't poach piranhas, ants, iguanas
Tapirs and hogs

Don't chomp on a chicken
Don't chew a kangaroo
Munching mandrills for a snack
Is not the thing to do

Don't steam a sea bass
Don't barbecue a bear
Don't serve a salamander
Medium rare

Don't pickle a penguin
Don't try terrapins on toast
Don't liquidise lynx for smoothie drinks
Don't make a rhino roast

Don't sauté a salmon
Don't catch a crab to crunch
Because the zoo will disappear
If you eat it for lunch

Blah! Blah! Blah!

Dad goes on about politics
And when he plans to clean his car
Complains about the economy
But all I hear is
Blah! Blah! Blah!

Mum moans about the mortgage
Counts calories in her chocolate bar
Asks me to tidy my room again
But all I hear is
Blah! Blah! Blah!

Grandpa retells us war stories
Explains how he first met grandma
Groans about his rheumatism
But all I hear is
Blah! Blah! Blah!

Auntie criticises my clothes
Says I look like I'm from Mars
Insists in HER day everything was better
But all I hear is
Blah! Blah! Blah!

If only they'd talk about what interests ME
Television, football, movie stars
Superheroes, school, books, music
But all I hear is
Blah! Blah! Blah!

Blah! Blah! Blah!
Blah! Blah! Blah!
All I hear from adults is
Blah! Blah! Blah!

Bolognese Baby

He's scoffing the lot
Fingers in the pot
Mixed with drips of dribble and drops of snot
Tables manners have gone
Self-respect is shot
He's a Bolognese Baby

Sauce in every place
And spaghetti face
No scarier creature's in outer space
Once was sweet and cute
What a fall from grace
He's a Bolognese Baby

He is only three
So when eating tea
Treats a meal as a play activity
Splattering the walls
And mum's new settee
He's a Bolognese Baby

Nobody's impressed
At his filthy mess
When will he learn using a plate is best?
Throw him in the bath
Although he's still dressed
He's a Bolognese Baby

He's filled the floor
Cries out “More! More! More!”
Won't somebody tell him what his fork is for?
Looking like the victim
In a food fight war
We all know the score
He's a Bolognese Baby

Holes

There's a hole in my pen that is leaking ink
There's a hole in my sock letting out a stink
There's a hole called a 'pouch' in a kangaroo
There are holes in my nose that I’m sniffing through

There's a hole in your thumb and it's oozing blood
There's a mole in the ground boring holes in mud
There's a hole in the leg of my sister's tights
There's a hole in my toast 'cause you took a bite

There's a hole in the 'o' that appears in 'more'
There's a worm drilling holes in my apple core
There are holes in our eyes so our tears can drop
And my balloon has a hole so it’s going to...'POP!'

Who Stole the Jam from My Doughnut?

Who stole the jam from my doughnut?
Where did that sweet sticky stuff go?
There ought to be plenty
It's totally empty
Instead of a heart there's a hole

Who stole the jam from my doughnut
And left only air in its place?
No filling's inside it
Did some joker hide it?
I'm missing that strawberry taste

Who stole the jam from my doughnut?
You know it's my favourite part
My teatime is no fun
Since my bun was undone
Did you take it for your jam tart?

Who stole the jam from my doughnut
And gave me a nasty surprise?
Police cars are coming
Those sirens are humming
I'm told it's a serious crime

Who stole the jam from my doughnut
Thus causing such sadness and grief?
Child, teen or a grown-up
Won't somebody own up?
Hands up now if you are the thief! 

Old People

(Sometimes children think old people have been old all their lives and that old is not something they can ever be themselves. But old people were young once of course):

Once old people were totally cool
Once old people used to play football

Once old people had no aches and pains
Once old people had fashionable names

Once old people used to jump and run
Once old people were not grandads and grandmums 

Once old people went to school every day
Once old people were not wrinkled and grey

Once old people were shiny and new
Once old people were as old as you