Half a snikklesnib from Saturn
Plus a pinch of peppered thrag
Mixed with chiffick from Omegon 3
Soaked in thick grolls of grippled zag
Barbecued on fritting floppers
Topped off with poogapeas
In our kitchen there's an alien
Who's insisting on cooking our tea
Smile
Every Monday morning
Smile
When you're tired and yawning
Smile
Forget weather warnings
Smile
Make a Monday morning
Smile
Let your lips go curly
Smile
Who cares if it's early?
Smile
Though your tongue's still furry
Smile
Make a Monday morning
Smile
Tara, Tom, Tess, Trevor
Smile
Get your head together
Smile
Keep the rule forever
Smile
Make a Monday morning
Smile
As the week's beginning
Smile
Do some facial grinning
Smile
You will soon be winning
Smile
Make a Monday morning
Smile
No excuse - just do it
Smile
Till the sun shines through it
Smile
And the world can view it
Smile
Make a Monday morning
Smile
To prevent a blue day
Smile
Show it to a new day
Smile
So it lasts till Tuesday
Smile
Make a Monday morning
Smile
What comes in a range of predictable colours?
SCHOOL UNIFORM!
What's often handed down by older sisters or brothers?
SCHOOL UNIFORM!
What frequently looks three sizes too big on you?
SCHOOL UNIFORM!
What includes a tie making breathing hard to do?
SCHOOL UNIFORM!
What outfit is only ever bought by parents?
SCHOOL UNIFORM!
What's the last thing you'd want as a birthday present?
SCHOOL UNIFORM!
What's rapidly removed as the afternoon's ending?
SCHOOL UNIFORM!
What's guaranteed to make all students blend in?
SCHOOL UNIFORM!
If you chose your own clothes what would not feature?
SCHOOL UNIFORM!
What must children be seen in but never their teachers?
SCHOOL UNIFORM!
What's always too sticky and sweaty in summer?
SCHOOL UNIFORM!
If you like the latest fashions what's a total bummer?
SCHOOL UNIFORM!
School uniform!
SCHOOL UNIFORM!
I'm discombobulated
My head is in a mess
I went to school on Sunday
In nothing but my vest
I've eaten all my homework
It didn't taste too nice
I took a bath in gravy
And heated it with ice
I put my shoes on sideways
My trousers upside down
I called my teacher 'mummy'
Then lost a million pounds
I painted my hair purple
With stripes of shocking pink
I brushed my teeth with cabbage
Poured sardines in the sink
I whistled through my earholes
Slept on the garage floor
I heard a hamster barking
And saw a rabbit roar
I'm discombobulated
My brain is not plugged in
So now this poem is over
I'll throw it in the bin
(I actually like football but this poem is for all the children who dislike the game but are brave enough to stand up for themselves and say it)
I hate football!
Both watching it and playing it
I hate football!
Get beaten up for saying it
Don't dream of it at night
Avoid it on TV
I don't support a team
Not been to Wem-ber-ley
I'm the odd one out at school
Can't explain the offside rule
I hate football!
Don't want to win the Champions League
I hate football!
More swimming, tennis, rugby please
I don't wear football boots
I don't possess a kit
No need to pass to me
I would not want a kick
People tell me that I'm strange
Peculiar, a bit deranged
I hate football!
Don't buy me tickets for the game
I hate football!
I much prefer to stretch my brain
I've never won a match
I've never had a shot
So never scored a goal
A soccer star I'm not
Football everywhere I look
I'd rather sit and read this book
'Cause I hate football!
Grey's not black
Grey's not white
Grey's not day
Grey's not night
Grey doesn't really make much sense
Grey enjoys sitting on the fence
You won't find grey in a rainbow
Grey won't help your garden grow
Grey is gloomy, glum and grim
Greying hair is old and thin
Like the beard on grandad's chin
Grey is the colour that a tiny mouse is
Grey hangs around in haunted houses
My school trousers are grey too
As are the elephants at the zoo
Grey is for smog, fog
Boulders, rocks
Roads, motorways
Unfashionable shirts and socks
Grey is the wolf at your door
This poet's pencil lead
The metal battleship of war
Zombie skin, spookily undead
Have you plenty of grey matter in your head?
You can spell 'gray' with an 'a'
You can spell 'grey' with an 'e'
3pm's time for my cup of Earl Grey tea
Although you don't see many grey balloons
There's plenty of grey on the surface of the moon
Grey is boredom
Grey is smoking
'Splash, splash!'
Went the grey sea lion and dolphin
But too much grey can get you depressed
I think the time might be right to give grey a rest
So I'm hoping that the sun will come out to play
And chase
All the grey
In the day
Far away...
Mum announced the awful news
"Today we're buying proper shoes"
I try three pairs on in the shop
My feet are yelling at me "Stop!"
They're squashing
Squishing
Squeezing
Pinching
Both the left one and the right
Are definitely much too tight
Shop assistant number one says "Perfect fit"
Mum says "Once you've worn them they will stretch a bit"
Shop assistant number two says "Wow! They're smart"
I say "Ouch! Uncomfortable! They really hurt!"
Yes, today we're buying proper shoes
My toes and tootsie's have the blues
They're aching
Numbing
Painful
Rubbing
Mum says "They're for best and school"
I'm disagreeing "Far too small!"
The solution though Mum is a no-brainer
Don't buy me proper shoes please...
Buy me trainers!
I won't wear a wizard outfit, wand and black moustache
I won't wear a blonde wig as I'd look completely daft
I won't wear a monster suit with googly eyes
I won't wear a cape (unless it helps me to fly)
I won't wear the whiskers, tail and claws of a cat
I won't wear a ten-gallon cowboy hat
I won't wear a leotard or a long white nightie
I won't wear a pirate's beard that's prickly and spiky
I won't wear armour as it's sure to rust and creak
I won't wear a clown nose and big floppy feet
I won't wear the costume of a giant bumble bee
'Cause at your fancy dress party I'll be going as...
Me!
This is my bedroom
My door's always locked
I won't let you in though you
Knock! Knock! Knock!
It's my den, my hideout
It's my special place
I'm warning you “Keep out of my personal space!”
With stickers and photos
And posters on walls
This is my territory where I make the rules
This is my bedroom
My door's always locked
I won't let you in though you
Knock! Knock! Knock!
That name on the sign's
Not belonging to you
Here I play my music, computer games too
No adults may enter
They're outlawed, they're banned
While I speak a language they don't understand
This is my bedroom
My door's always locked
I won't let you in though you
Knock! Knock! Knock!
I chose my own carpet
My curtains, my quilt
So I don't need Jack - it's this room that I built
I watch my TV
Then I chat on my phone
'Cause this is my magical Me Only Zone
This is my bedroom
My door's always locked
I won't let you in though you
Knock! Knock! Knock!
Trevor loves tattoos
He cannot get enough
He isn’t interested
In any other stuff
He first tattooed his hands
His navel, knees, his neck
His belly, calves and thighs
His eyelids were done next
He got one on his brow
And one on every toe
'T.R.E.V.O.R'
Was tattooed on his nose
He got one on his tongue
One covering his face
Then had one done in secret
In quite a private place
He got twelve on his chest
On both cheeks of his bum
And right across his back
He got one of his mum
His armpits were tattooed
He got one on his hat
One on his pet goldfish
And on his neighbour's cat
His earholes and elbows
Feet, fingers, lips and chin
When outside was completed
He got tattoos within
His liver, larynx, lungs
Appendix, kidneys, spleen
Brain, pancreas and heart
And areas between
So when you see Trevor
Do stop and take a look
Put down your favourite novel
And read him like a book
An apple fell on Isaac Newton
Underneath a tree
He said “That hurt my head
“I think I'll call it gravity!”
Gravity's on top of me
It keeps me on the ground
It's in the air, below my feet
And everywhere around
Without it the human race
Would be floating into space
Gravity will drag you
Gravity will draw you
Gravity will pull you
Gravity will floor you
It's magnetic, it's a force
It's invisible of course
Gravity will stop you drifting
Like a big balloon
There's just a little bit of it
On Mars and on the Moon
So put lead weights or some rocks
In your pockets, shoes and socks
Gravity's a magic power
That's better than a glue
It helps things to bounce up and down
Ask any kangaroo
Watch it make grasshoppers hop
Cause your underpants to drop
Gravity will grasp you
Gravity will fix you
Gravity will grab you
Gravity will stick you
One of Mother Nature's tricks
Turns your feet to heavy bricks
An apple fell on Isaac Newton
Underneath a tree
He said “That hurt my head
“I think I'll call it gravity!”
Drinking out the drain
Is not a clever thing to do
'Cause mud and muck and mess and yuck
Combine to brew a stew
You'll end up in the hospital
You'll end up in your bed
It's too impure, there is no cure
At worst you'll end up dead
Drinking out the drain is daft
Don't sip a single drop
Put down the manhole cover now
I'm urging you to stop
Avoid what is disgusting
Full of dark and deadly germs
Inhabited by rats and maggots
Spiders, fleas and worms
Drinking out the drain
Is detrimental to your health
There is no point to quench your thirst
By poisoning yourself
Slurping from a sewage pipe
Is horrible and foul
I'd rather kiss a camel
Or the bottom of a cow
Try a glass of milk instead
A cup of tea or juice
Or water, smoothie, lemonade
There's so much else to choose
You shouldn't take refreshment
From a place of filthy rain
Turn on your tap, it's safer that
You don't drink out the drain
I'm an astronaut exploring outer space
I'm the man with the world's most handsome face
I won ten million pounds in the lottery
It was me who invented poetry
A pterodactyl lives in my back room
I've eaten a chunk of cheese from the moon
Three gold Lamborghinis are parked in my shed
I've met a pretty princess and we're soon to be wed
I own a Hollywood mansion – you're most welcome to stay
Underneath this wig my hair's ginger not grey
I dined for a year on only baked beans
I scored the greatest goal that football has seen
I've had x-ray vision since the day I was born
There's a chocolate fountain on my garden lawn
I can magic the sun to chase away the rain
I'm the person possessing earth's biggest brain
I never grow old so I never will die
I didn't steal the cherries from your cherry pie
In a split second flash I can make the poor rich
My Dad is a wizard and my Mum is a witch
I'm a sheriff of a town in the wild Wild West
I scored a hundred per cent in my spelling test
I think I tell the truth but everyone has said
That all of these things are just in my head
A pigeon pooped upon my head
As it fluttered by
I felt aggrieved
But then relieved
That elephants can't fly
Person messaging and walking
On his mobile typing, talking
Person browsing and emailing
Taking photographs and gaming
Person using roads for crossing
While there's music that he's lost in
Person didn't see the cycle
Didn't hear the motor vehicle
Person in the graveyard resting
Please: BE LOOKING AND NOT TEXTING!
The top of a bottom is best kept hidden
To let it hang out is strictly forbidden
But when daddy's doing his D-I-Y-ing
You'll spot a huge gap you can park your bike in
Dad put it away
We don't want to see
Dad pull up your pants
Don't set it all free
You're frightening neighbours
You're stressing out mum
Please don't reveal your
BUILDERS' BUM!
A ghastly sight that's shocking and scary
Who's ever seen a rear that's quite as hairy?
He needs to wear a big belt made of leather
To keep all his blubbery bot together
Dad put it away
On the count of three
The most horrible view
In history
You're frightening neighbours
You're stressing out mum
Please don't reveal your
BUILDERS' BUM!!
So next time Dad's busy with decorating
I hope the Grand Canyon won't be displaying
He needs to take action to fill that dent in
Or I'll tip a bit of quick-dry cement in
Dad put it away
It terrifies me
Now I can't face my lunch
Or dinner or tea
You're frightening neighbours
You're stressing out mum
Please don't reveal your
BUILDERS' BUM!!
Please don't reveal your
BUILDERS' BUM!!
Names are what we're called
Names are how we're known
We use them to refer to us
Names are ours to own
Names are super special
Names should make us proud
Names grab our attention
When they're called aloud
Help us stand out from the crowd
We're all different, not the same
That's the power of our names
Jordan, Noel
Gordon, Joel
Ameena, Paul
Tina, Raul
Yasmin, Emma
Jasmine, Gemma
Tell me your name when you meet me
Tell me your name when you greet me
Names are our titles
Our tags
Our monikers
Our designations
Our labels
Our signatures
Our identification
Paddington's a bear's name
And a London railway station's
You'll see my name when you look
At the cover of my book
Our names are with us all the time
Maybe yours is 'Neal' as well
That's fine if it's your name too
Nobody can take it away from you
We'll keep our names till we're old and grey
Sticking to us like chewing gum each day
So what's your name?
Shout it out to me
After this countdown
One...
Two...
Three...
.................................!
Names are what we're called
Names are how we're known
People use them to refer to us
Names are ours to own
The last poem in this book
I never stand a chance
While other odes are favourites
I'm just a passing glance
Most people move real rapidly
Through pages 1,2,3...
But by the time they reach the back
They're far too tired for me
The last poem in this book
The one to close the show
Though I asked to be somewhere else
There was nowhere to go
Now I am every bit as good
As any of the rest
My idea's fresh, my rhymes are fun
In fact I think I'm best
The last poem in this book
The end, the final word
Deep down I'm devastated
Over all that has occurred
So if you want to cheer me up
And free me from this curse
When reading this collection next
Please, please turn to me first
Hear that rumble in the jungle
Deadly danger all around
Herds of elephants stampeding
'Cross the dirty, dusty ground
But then racing to the rescue
Like a suntanned superman
Who's the bloke
Swinging on a rope?
It's Tarzan
Dressed in nothing but his Speedos
Clearly clothes are not his thing
When you're needing his assistance
You cannot give him a ring
Just beat out those drums in rhythm
And he'll help you if he can
Who's the bloke
Swinging on a rope?
It's Tarzan
His pet chimpanzee is Cheetah
And his girlfriend is called Jane
Comics, cartoons, books and movies
And great legends bear his name
Though his transport is unusual
It's in his master plan
Who's the bloke
Swinging on a rope?
It's Tarzan
There's no jaguar that's faster
There's no rhino that's as strong
Are you nasty, mean or evil?
Well you're best to move along
He's the king of all the apes
So every animal's his fan
Who's the bloke
Swinging on a rope?
It's Tarzan
If flies are called flies
Then cats should be 'prowls'
Monkeys 'swings'
With 'swoops' the name for owls
Bulls may be 'charges'
Horses 'gallops' or 'trots'
Ducks would be 'waddles'
Rabbits and frogs - both 'hops'
Let's refer to fish as 'swims'
Tigers as 'stalks'
Hamsters as 'scampers'
And dogs as 'walks'
Elephants as 'stomps'
Peacocks as 'strutters'
Worms as 'wiggles'
Butterflies as 'flutters'
Bats might be 'flits'
Spiders could be 'crawls'
But sloths would still be sloths
As...
They...
Never...
Move...
At...
All...