Chemistry Set

There are black marks on the carpet
Clouds of chlorine choke the air
Yellow sulphur stains the curtains
Copper oxide's everywhere
I say “Mum it's educational
“So worth the price we pay”
When I get my chemistry set out to play

Waves of deadly radiation
Are emitted from a flask
And instead of plain old water
Nitric acid fills the bath
Dad then checks our house insurance
While his hair is turning grey
When I get my chemistry set out to play

The white cushions are bright purple
Strong hydroxide burns my hand
My attempt to make gunpowder
Doesn't go the way I planned
As I reach for the first aid kit
Our pet hamster's blown away
When I get my chemistry set out to play

A cracked test tube full of green stuff
Has exploded with a BOOOOOOM!
And my stink bombs laced with arsenic
Can be smelt upon the moon
Then the fire brigade is breaking down my door
To save the day
When I get my chemistry set out to play

Resolutions

I used to have road rage but now I walk
I used to eat with fingers but now I use a fork
I used to swear profusely but now I'm real posh
I used to have plaque but now I floss
I used to smoke but now I vape
I used to be impatient but now I wait
I used to do drugs but now I'm clean
I used to waste energy but now I'm green
I used to use violence but now I'm a pacifist
I used to forget but now I make a shopping list
I used to freeze but now I wear a vest
I used to burp at mealtimes but now I digest
I used to have insomnia but now I sleep
I used to count the hours but now I count sheep
I used to pick my nose but now I blow
I used to be a shrinking violet but now I grow
I used to be obese but now I've lost weight
I used to scoff at art but now I visit the Tate
I used to gamble but now I bet I'll stop
I used to wet the bed but now I use a pot
I used to be idle but now I work
I used to hate dancing but now I twerk
I used to spray graffiti but now I write poetry
2-0-1-7 – this is the new me

It's Got to Be a Pea

What is that tiny little ball that's knocking at your door?
Grass-green and round it makes no sound when rolling 'cross the floor
Born in a pod and served with cod it doesn't grow on trees
It's got to be
It has to be
It's certainly a pea

It might come from a freezer bag or fresh or from a can
It might be liquidised in soup though would taste weird in jam
What's fun to flick at dinnertime at friends or family?
It's got to be
It has to be
It's definitely a pea

It could be minted, split, black-eyed or even marrow fat
Or squished and squashed beneath your shoe, steamrollered, fairly flat
Don't stick one up your nostril it will make you sniff and sneeze
It's got to be
It has to be
(The 16th letter of your ABC)
It's unquestionably a pea

I'm Not Michael Rosen

I'm Neal Zetter for goodness sake
A genuine poet and not a fake
Yet when I'm working in a school
There's another name by which I'm called

I'm not Michael Rosen
I'm not Michael Rosen
Even if we have the same clothes on
I'm not Michael Rosen

Though Mike's a guy I really rate
Who wrote 'Bear Hunt' and 'Chocolate Cake'
You'll also know my poetry
'Banana', 'Porcupine' and 'Bee'

I'm not Michael Rosen
I'm not Michael Rosen
Even with a false beard and nose on
I'm not Michael Rosen

Now this confusion makes me mad
He's not my clone, he's not my dad
His not my brother, not my twin
'Cause I am me and he is him

I'm not Michael Rosen
I'm not Michael Rosen
He's not even my distant cousin
I'm not Michael Rosen

Perhaps some poets look alike
We are both men, we are both white
But nothing else is quite the same
Still I'm compelled to state again

I'm not Michael Rosen
I'm not Michael Rosen
I'm the visiting poet you've chosen
I'm not Michael Rosen

He's MR
I'm NZ
Say I'm 'Rosen' I'll see red
I'm definitely not Michael Rosen

Delaying Tactics

(Children ask so many questions before starting their work in the hope they will avoid doing it)

“Sir, do we put the date on our work?”
It doesn't matter - just write your poem
“Is that the full date or the short date Sir?”
It doesn't matter - just write your poem

“Do we add our name Sir? And our class?”
It doesn't matter - just write your poem
“I'm not really sure how to spell my name Sir”
It doesn't matter - just write your poem

“Sir, shall we use a pencil or a pen? And my pencil needs sharpening”
It doesn't matter - just write your poem
“Jamie said I've got hairy ears Sir”
It doesn't matter - just write your poem

“Sir, do we do this in our literacy books or our rough books?”
It doesn't matter - just write your poem
“Is it okay to start a new page Sir?”
It doesn't matter - just write your poem

“Sir, do we need to leave a margin?” 
It doesn't matter - just write your poem
“What's the Learning Objective Sir?”
It doesn't matter - just write your poem

“Do we sit in our writing tables or our reading tables Sir?”
It doesn't matter - just write your poem
“Sir, are we allowed to use a dictionary? And what about a thesaurus?”
It doesn't matter - just write your poem

“Sir, shall we underline the title?”
It doesn't matter - just write your poem
“Frankie's copying me Sir!”
It doesn't matter - just write your poem

“Please Sir, I need the toilet”
It doesn't matter - just write your poem
“But I'm really busting Sir!”
It doesn't matter - just write your poem

“Sir, how long should the poem be?”
It doesn't matter - just write your poem
“When's home time Sir?”
It doesn't matter - just write your poem

"Sir...please tell us again...what is it we are actually supposed to be doing?”

Bath Time

Both my big toes stick up the taps
I can't see for the steam
There's splashing, sploshing everywhere
I'm playing submarines

I've made my own tsunami too
A wild tidal wave
It's seeping through the bathroom floor
Dad yells “ Oi Neal! Behave!”

I'm practising my swimming strokes
Fill water bomb balloons
While condensation pours off walls
I sing and whistle tunes

I've wasted all Mum's best shampoo
The shower's on full power
I've shut the door and turned the key
I'll be at least an hour

My rubber duck talks 'Quack! Quack! Quack!'
My plastic shark's afloat
There's just one thing I'm missing though...
I haven't any soap!

I Want to be a Clown

Floppy feet
Tomato nose
Silly hat
Baggy clothes
Honking hooter
Wobbly scooter
I want to be a clown

Pants on fire
Pale white skin
Lipstick mouth
Stupid grin
Crazy foam blower
Custard pie thrower
I want to be a clown

Make you laugh
Make you scared
Burst balloons
Purple hair
Trouser splitter
Banana skin slipper
I want to be a clown

Funny face
Circus star
Bonkers! Nuts!
Ha! Ha! Ha!
Audience soaker
Practical joker
I want to be a clown

Caterpillar, Caterpillar

Caterpillar talking far too much
Chatterpillar, chatterpillar

Caterpillar has something on its head
Hatterpillar, hatterpillar

Caterpillar squashed under my shoe
Flatterpillar, flatterpillar

Caterpillar in flour, egg and water
Batterpillar, batterpillar

Caterpillar wearing a tie
Cravatterpillar, cravatterpillar

Caterpillar with a big round belly
Fatterpillar, fatterpillar

Caterpillar who couldn't care less
Doesn'tmatterpillar, doesn'tmatterpillar

Caterpillar ending this poem (and about time too!)
That'sthatterpillar, that'sthatterpillar

Hurricane Neal

(Hurricanes are named after people. I think Hurricane Neal would be a rather sweet and kind one)

I'm Hurricane Neal
I'll never do you harm
I will not blow your house away
Cause danger or alarm
I wouldn't smash your windows
Or tear up any trees
For I'm a gentle hurricane
No stronger than a sneeze

I'm Hurricane Neal
Who's neither rough nor tough
The breath emitted from my mouth
Is just a tiny puff
I'll not crash cars or buses
Or derail speeding trains
No-one calls me a bully
But the kindest hurricane

I'm Hurricane Neal
When I fly into town
No need to hide in basements
And to batten hatches down
I won't wreck parks and gardens
Or flatten shops and schools
I'm Neal the happy hurricane
The coolest breeze of all

When the Muse Comes a-Knocking

When the muse comes a-knocking
Sparks ignite imagination
When the muse comes a-knocking
You'll explode with inspiration

When the muse comes a-knocking
It will seize your brain and body
When the muse comes a-knocking
Make your legs and arms go wobbly

When the muse comes a-knocking
You're excited and elated
When the muse comes a-knocking
Watch that magic be created

When the muse comes a-knocking
Who knows where you'll both be going
When the muse comes a-knocking
Words and ideas will start flowing

When the muse comes a-knocking
Feel the force you can't be fighting
When the muse comes a-knocking
Pick your pen up and get writing!

What Do You Do When There's Nothing to Do?

What do you do when there's nothing to do?
Do you grow a moustache?
Play your cousin's kazoo? 
Do you start to count up to two trillion and two?
When there's nothing to do

What do you do when there's nothing to say?
Do you hop till you drop?
Feed your dog fromage frais
Do you walk round the garden and paint the grass grey?
When there's nothing to say

What do you do when there's nowhere to go?
Do you cut all your nails?
And then clean out your nose?
Do you eat cans of baked beans until you explode?
When there's nowhere to go

What do you do when there's nothing to watch?
Do you talk to a tree?
Sing a song to a rock?
Do you sit in the fridge till your freezing knees knock?
When there's nothing to watch

What do you do when there's nothing to do?
Do you learn to speak Dutch?
Maybe practise kung fu?
If I'm bored I write poetry - that's what I do
Perhaps next time you can try it too
When there's nothing to do

Invisible Dog

I got an invisible dog for my birthday
It's quite an unusual breed
He goes twice a day for invisible walks
Upon his invisible lead

Together we run round Invisible Park
To chase his invisible ball
I show him off to invisible friends
While at my invisible school

When he has invisible illnesses
He sees the invisible vet
Of all of the animals that she has seen
She says he's the strangest one yet

Invisible dog gives invisible hugs
And lots of invisible licks
He dreams in his basket when sleeping at night
Of fetching invisible sticks

He leaves his invisible doggy dos
Across the invisible ground
I bought big bags of invisible biscuits
To treat my invisible hound

His mouth will emit an invisible bark
When scaring invisible cats
He chews my invisible carpet as well
But I never care about that

The thing is Dad says that it costs far too much
To keep a real dog as a pet
So my imagination made him instead
The most perfect dog you've ever met

Yoga Mum

She's sitting down her mind is lost
Upon her mat with two legs crossed
With stiff, straight back and both eyes closed
Inhaling deeply through her nose

Chanting
“Um, um, um, um, um, um, um”
My mum's a yoga mum um, um 

She practises at home each night
It is the wildest, weirdest sight
Although it helps her to relax
It scares our budgie and our cats

Chanting
“Um, um, um, um, um, um, um”
My mum's a yoga mum um, um 

We see her concentrating hard
While in her tights and leotard
Sometimes a statue on one leg
With both arms wrapped around her head

Chanting
“Um, um, um, um, um, um, um”
My mum's a yoga mum um, um 

So next time you walk through our door
To find mum lying on the floor
There's no need to create a scene
She's calm and chilled and quite serene

Chanting
“Um, um, um, um, um, um, um”
My mum's a yoga mum um, um 

My mum's a yoga mum um, um

Which Witch?

Which witch was the witch with the creepy crazed cat?
Which witch was the witch with the tall pointy hat?

Which witch was the witch with the ugliest face?
Which witch was the witch on a broomstick in space?

Which witch was the witch with the magical wand?
Which witch was the witch eating frogs from my pond?

Which witch was the witch drinking slime coloured green?
Which witch was the witch evil, nasty and mean?

Which witch was the witch with a knobbly chin?
Which witch was the witch with a cackly grin?

Which witch was the witch with a foul, filthy smell?
Which witch was the witch casting dark, deadly spells?

Which witch was the witch with the huge haunted house?
Can you find her 'cause she turned me into a mouse?

Don't Eat the Animals

Don't boil a bat
Don't bake a snake
Don't microwave a millipede
Don't cook koala cake

Don't grill a gorilla
Don't gnaw on a macaw
Never fry a fruit fly
Don't even have it raw

Don't coddle a cockroach
Don't fricassee a frog
Don't poach piranhas, ants, iguanas
Tapirs and hogs

Don't chomp on a chicken
Don't chew a kangaroo
Munching mandrills for a snack
Is not the thing to do

Don't steam a sea bass
Don't barbecue a bear
Don't serve a salamander
Medium rare

Don't pickle a penguin
Don't try terrapins on toast
Don't liquidise lynx for smoothie drinks
Don't make a rhino roast

Don't sauté a salmon
Don't catch a crab to crunch
Because the zoo will disappear
If you eat it for lunch