Blah! Blah! Blah!

Dad goes on about politics
And when he plans to clean his car
Complains about the economy
But all I hear is
Blah! Blah! Blah!

Mum moans about the mortgage
Counts calories in her chocolate bar
Asks me to tidy my room again
But all I hear is
Blah! Blah! Blah!

Grandpa retells us war stories
Explains how he first met grandma
Groans about his rheumatism
But all I hear is
Blah! Blah! Blah!

Auntie criticises my clothes
Says I look like I'm from Mars
Insists in HER day everything was better
But all I hear is
Blah! Blah! Blah!

If only they'd talk about what interests ME
Television, football, movie stars
Superheroes, school, books, music
But all I hear is
Blah! Blah! Blah!

Blah! Blah! Blah!
Blah! Blah! Blah!
All I hear from adults is
Blah! Blah! Blah!

Bolognese Baby

He's scoffing the lot
Fingers in the pot
Mixed with drips of dribble and drops of snot
Tables manners have gone
Self-respect is shot
He's a Bolognese Baby

Sauce in every place
And spaghetti face
No scarier creature's in outer space
Once was sweet and cute
What a fall from grace
He's a Bolognese Baby

He is only three
So when eating tea
Treats a meal as a play activity
Splattering the walls
And mum's new settee
He's a Bolognese Baby

Nobody's impressed
At his filthy mess
When will he learn using a plate is best?
Throw him in the bath
Although he's still dressed
He's a Bolognese Baby

He's filled the floor
Cries out “More! More! More!”
Won't somebody tell him what his fork is for?
Looking like the victim
In a food fight war
We all know the score
He's a Bolognese Baby

Holes

There's a hole in my pen that is leaking ink
There's a hole in my sock letting out a stink
There's a hole called a 'pouch' in a kangaroo
There are holes in my nose that I’m sniffing through

There's a hole in your thumb and it's oozing blood
There's a mole in the ground boring holes in mud
There's a hole in the leg of my sister's tights
There's a hole in my toast 'cause you took a bite

There's a hole in the 'o' that appears in 'more'
There's a worm drilling holes in my apple core
There are holes in our eyes so our tears can drop
And my balloon has a hole so it’s going to...'POP!'

Who Stole the Jam from My Doughnut?

Who stole the jam from my doughnut?
Where did that sweet sticky stuff go?
There ought to be plenty
It's totally empty
Instead of a heart there's a hole

Who stole the jam from my doughnut
And left only air in its place?
No filling's inside it
Did some joker hide it?
I'm missing that strawberry taste

Who stole the jam from my doughnut?
You know it's my favourite part
My teatime is no fun
Since my bun was undone
Did you take it for your jam tart?

Who stole the jam from my doughnut
And gave me a nasty surprise?
Police cars are coming
Those sirens are humming
I'm told it's a serious crime

Who stole the jam from my doughnut
Thus causing such sadness and grief?
Child, teen or a grown-up
Won't somebody own up?
Hands up now if you are the thief! 

Old People

(Sometimes children think old people have been old all their lives and that old is not something they can ever be themselves. But old people were young once of course):

Once old people were totally cool
Once old people used to play football

Once old people had no aches and pains
Once old people had fashionable names

Once old people used to jump and run
Once old people were not grandads and grandmums 

Once old people went to school every day
Once old people were not wrinkled and grey

Once old people were shiny and new
Once old people were as old as you

Monster Munch

Half a snikklesnib from Saturn
Plus a pinch of peppered thrag
Mixed with chiffick from Omegon 3
Soaked in thick grolls of grippled zag
Barbecued on fritting floppers
Topped off with poogapeas
In our kitchen there's an alien
Who's insisting on cooking our tea

Monday Morning Smile

Smile
Every Monday morning
Smile
When you're tired and yawning
Smile
Forget weather warnings
Smile
Make a Monday morning
Smile

Let your lips go curly
Smile
Who cares if it's early? 
Smile
Though your tongue's still furry
Smile
Make a Monday morning
Smile

Tara, Tom, Tess, Trevor
Smile
Get your head together
Smile
Keep the rule forever
Smile
Make a Monday morning
Smile

As the week's beginning
Smile
Do some facial grinning
Smile
You will soon be winning
Smile
Make a Monday morning
Smile

No excuse - just do it
Smile
Till the sun shines through it
Smile
And the world can view it
Smile
Make a Monday morning
Smile

To prevent a blue day
Smile
Show it to a new day
Smile
So it lasts till Tuesday
Smile
Make a Monday morning
Smile

School Uniform

What comes in a range of predictable colours?
SCHOOL UNIFORM!
What's often handed down by older sisters or brothers?
SCHOOL UNIFORM!
What frequently looks three sizes too big on you?
SCHOOL UNIFORM!
What includes a tie making breathing hard to do?
SCHOOL UNIFORM!

What outfit is only ever bought by parents?
SCHOOL UNIFORM!
What's the last thing you'd want as a birthday present?
SCHOOL UNIFORM!
What's rapidly removed as the afternoon's ending?
SCHOOL UNIFORM!
What's guaranteed to make all students blend in?
SCHOOL UNIFORM!

If you chose your own clothes what would not feature?
SCHOOL UNIFORM!
What must children be seen in but never their teachers?
SCHOOL UNIFORM!
What's always too sticky and sweaty in summer?
SCHOOL UNIFORM!
If you like the latest fashions what's a total bummer?
SCHOOL UNIFORM!
School uniform!
SCHOOL UNIFORM!

Discombobulated

I'm discombobulated
My head is in a mess
I went to school on Sunday
In nothing but my vest
I've eaten all my homework
It didn't taste too nice
I took a bath in gravy
And heated it with ice

I put my shoes on sideways
My trousers upside down
I called my teacher 'mummy'
Then lost a million pounds
I painted my hair purple
With stripes of shocking pink
I brushed my teeth with cabbage
Poured sardines in the sink

I whistled through my earholes
Slept on the garage floor
I heard a hamster barking
And saw a rabbit roar
I'm discombobulated
My brain is not plugged in
So now this poem is over
I'll throw it in the bin

I Hate Football!

(I actually like football but this poem is for all the children who dislike the game but are brave enough to stand up for themselves and say it)

I hate football!
Both watching it and playing it
I hate football!
Get beaten up for saying it

Don't dream of it at night
Avoid it on TV
I don't support a team
Not been to Wem-ber-ley

I'm the odd one out at school
Can't explain the offside rule

I hate football!
Don't want to win the Champions League
I hate football!
More swimming, tennis, rugby please

I don't wear football boots
I don't possess a kit
No need to pass to me
I would not want a kick

People tell me that I'm strange
Peculiar, a bit deranged

I hate football!
Don't buy me tickets for the game
I hate football!
I much prefer to stretch my brain

I've never won a match
I've never had a shot
So never scored a goal
A soccer star I'm not

Football everywhere I look
I'd rather sit and read this book
'Cause I hate football!

Grey

Grey's not black
Grey's not white
Grey's not day
Grey's not night
Grey doesn't really make much sense
Grey enjoys sitting on the fence

You won't find grey in a rainbow
Grey won't help your garden grow
Grey is gloomy, glum and grim
Greying hair is old and thin
Like the beard on grandad's chin

Grey is the colour that a tiny mouse is
Grey hangs around in haunted houses
My school trousers are grey too
As are the elephants at the zoo

Grey is for smog, fog
Boulders, rocks
Roads, motorways
Unfashionable shirts and socks

Grey is the wolf at your door
This poet's pencil lead
The metal battleship of war
Zombie skin, spookily undead
Have you plenty of grey matter in your head?

You can spell 'gray' with an 'a'
You can spell 'grey' with an 'e'
3pm's time for my cup of Earl Grey tea
Although you don't see many grey balloons
There's plenty of grey on the surface of the moon

Grey is boredom
Grey is smoking
'Splash, splash!'
Went the grey sea lion and dolphin

But too much grey can get you depressed
I think the time might be right to give grey a rest
So I'm hoping that the sun will come out to play
And chase
All the grey
In the day
Far away...

Proper Shoes

Mum announced the awful news
"Today we're buying proper shoes"

I try three pairs on in the shop
My feet are yelling at me "Stop!"
They're squashing
Squishing
Squeezing
Pinching
Both the left one and the right
Are definitely much too tight

Shop assistant number one says "Perfect fit"
Mum says "Once you've worn them they will stretch a bit"
Shop assistant number two says "Wow! They're smart"
I say "Ouch! Uncomfortable! They really hurt!"

Yes, today we're buying proper shoes
My toes and tootsie's have the blues
They're aching
Numbing
Painful
Rubbing
Mum says "They're for best and school"
I'm disagreeing "Far too small!"

The solution though Mum is a no-brainer
Don't buy me proper shoes please...
Buy me trainers!

What to Wear?

I won't wear a wizard outfit, wand and black moustache
I won't wear a blonde wig as I'd look completely daft

I won't wear a monster suit with googly eyes
I won't wear a cape (unless it helps me to fly)

I won't wear the whiskers, tail and claws of a cat
I won't wear a ten-gallon cowboy hat

I won't wear a leotard or a long white nightie
I won't wear a pirate's beard that's prickly and spiky

I won't wear armour as it's sure to rust and creak
I won't wear a clown nose and big floppy feet

I won't wear the costume of a giant bumble bee
'Cause at your fancy dress party I'll be going as...
Me!

My Me Only Zone

This is my bedroom
My door's always locked
I won't let you in though you
Knock! Knock! Knock!

It's my den, my hideout
It's my special place
I'm warning you “Keep out of my personal space!”
With stickers and photos
And posters on walls
This is my territory where I make the rules

This is my bedroom
My door's always locked
I won't let you in though you
Knock! Knock! Knock!

That name on the sign's
Not belonging to you
Here I play my music, computer games too
No adults may enter
They're outlawed, they're banned
While I speak a language they don't understand

This is my bedroom
My door's always locked
I won't let you in though you
Knock! Knock! Knock!

I chose my own carpet
My curtains, my quilt
So I don't need Jack - it's this room that I built
I watch my TV
Then I chat on my phone
'Cause this is my magical Me Only Zone

This is my bedroom
My door's always locked
I won't let you in though you
Knock! Knock! Knock!

Tattooed Trevor

Trevor loves tattoos
He cannot get enough
He isn’t interested
In any other stuff

He first tattooed his hands
His navel, knees, his neck
His belly, calves and thighs
His eyelids were done next

He got one on his brow  
And one on every toe
'T.R.E.V.O.R'
Was tattooed on his nose

He got one on his tongue
One covering his face
Then had one done in secret
In quite a private place

He got twelve on his chest
On both cheeks of his bum
And right across his back
He got one of his mum

His armpits were tattooed
He got one on his hat
One on his pet goldfish
And on his neighbour's cat

His earholes and elbows
Feet, fingers, lips and chin
When outside was completed
He got tattoos within

His liver, larynx, lungs
Appendix, kidneys, spleen
Brain, pancreas and heart
And areas between

So when you see Trevor
Do stop and take a look
Put down your favourite novel
And read him like a book

Gravity

An apple fell on Isaac Newton
Underneath a tree
He said “That hurt my head
“I think I'll call it gravity!”

Gravity's on top of me
It keeps me on the ground
It's in the air, below my feet
And everywhere around
Without it the human race
Would be floating into space

Gravity will drag you
Gravity will draw you
Gravity will pull you
Gravity will floor you
It's magnetic, it's a force
It's invisible of course

Gravity will stop you drifting
Like a big balloon
There's just a little bit of it
On Mars and on the Moon
So put lead weights or some rocks
In your pockets, shoes and socks

Gravity's a magic power
That's better than a glue
It helps things to bounce up and down
Ask any kangaroo
Watch it make grasshoppers hop
Cause your underpants to drop

Gravity will grasp you
Gravity will fix you
Gravity will grab you
Gravity will stick you
One of Mother Nature's tricks
Turns your feet to heavy bricks

An apple fell on Isaac Newton
Underneath a tree
He said “That hurt my head
“I think I'll call it gravity!”

Don't Drink Out the Drain

Drinking out the drain
Is not a clever thing to do
'Cause mud and muck and mess and yuck
Combine to brew a stew
You'll end up in the hospital
You'll end up in your bed
It's too impure, there is no cure
At worst you'll end up dead

Drinking out the drain is daft
Don't sip a single drop
Put down the manhole cover now
I'm urging you to stop
Avoid what is disgusting
Full of dark and deadly germs
Inhabited by rats and maggots
Spiders, fleas and worms

Drinking out the drain
Is detrimental to your health
There is no point to quench your thirst
By poisoning yourself
Slurping from a sewage pipe
Is horrible and foul
I'd rather kiss a camel
Or the bottom of a cow

Try a glass of milk instead
A cup of tea or juice
Or water, smoothie, lemonade
There's so much else to choose
You shouldn't take refreshment
From a place of filthy rain
Turn on your tap, it's safer that
You don't drink out the drain

In My Head

I'm an astronaut exploring outer space
I'm the man with the world's most handsome face
I won ten million pounds in the lottery
It was me who invented poetry

A pterodactyl lives in my back room
I've eaten a chunk of cheese from the moon
Three gold Lamborghinis are parked in my shed
I've met a pretty princess and we're soon to be wed

I own a Hollywood mansion – you're most welcome to stay
Underneath this wig my hair's ginger not grey
I dined for a year on only baked beans
I scored the greatest goal that football has seen

I've had x-ray vision since the day I was born
There's a chocolate fountain on my garden lawn
I can magic the sun to chase away the rain
I'm the person possessing earth's biggest brain

I never grow old so I never will die
I didn't steal the cherries from your cherry pie
In a split second flash I can make the poor rich
My Dad is a wizard and my Mum is a witch

I'm a sheriff of a town in the wild Wild West
I scored a hundred per cent in my spelling test
I think I tell the truth but everyone has said
That all of these things are just in my head

Pooped

A pigeon pooped upon my head
As it fluttered by
I felt aggrieved
But then relieved
That elephants can't fly

OMG!...

Person messaging and walking
On his mobile typing, talking

Person browsing and emailing
Taking photographs and gaming

Person using roads for crossing
While there's music that he's lost in

Person didn't see the cycle
Didn't hear the motor vehicle

Person in the graveyard resting
Please: BE LOOKING AND NOT TEXTING!