Teacher's Pet

Please set me extra homework
And ten tough English tests
The other students may be sweet
But I'm more sweet than them
So keen and conscientious
The perfect child I'll bet
I hang around your coattails Miss
I am the Teacher's Pet

I'm telling tales on Tariq
On Kieran, Kaz and Kim
In all class competitions
I'm guaranteed to win
Though kids say I'm the creepiest
And crawliest they've met
Still I'm boasting 'bout my grades
I am the Teacher's Pet

I always have my hand high
Just waiting to be picked
I would shine Miss's shoes for her
If I had them to lick
Who buys her sweets for break time
And won't let her forget
While many pupils think they're cool
I am the Teacher's Pet?

Miss doesn't need a goldfish
A parrot or a cat
Chinchilla or Chihuahua
A rabbit or a rat
She doesn't need a hamster
A stick insect or snake
'Cause as the Teacher's Pet I am her very special mate

Her favourite of favourites
I do not feel regret
That all at school are quite appalled
I am the Teacher's Pet

Friend

A friend is a buddy, a partner, a pal
A friend's anywhere, anytime, anyhow
When you’re facing troubles
And worries and woes
A real friend is there and will not let you go

A friend will ply your lungs with laughter
A friend will be your sticking plaster
Make you happy ever after
A safety net
A sure-fire bet

A friend is a neighbour, a backer, an aide
Who smooths your rough edges when you're worn and frayed
When loneliness beckons
Or hopelessness looms
Their kindness will catapult you to the moon

A friend will not refuse a mission
A friend will fuel your optimism
Tough cement that heals division
Erase the blue
Is what they do

A friend's a companion, a comrade a chum
There are other numbers but they're number one
When days are huge mountains
Far too tall to climb
A friend is the leg-up that's lifting you high

A friend will not have cause to doubt you
A friend won't want to live without you
Even when disaster clouts you
Secure as locks
Like solid rocks

A friend is a buddy, a partner, a pal
A friend's anywhere, anytime, anyhow

Lurgy

When your eyes can't open
And your tongue hangs out
When your arms are flapping
There is little doubt
You've caught that germ
That's been buzzing about
You've come down with the lurgy! 

When you're taking tablets
That have no effect
When your brain feels bashed
And your body real wrecked
Green spots are spreading
'Cross your knees and neck
You've come down with the lurgy! 

When you shiver like a fridge
Then you wobble like a jelly
As your toenails ache
There's a bulging in your belly
And sweat rolls down
Till you fill both your wellies
You've come down with the lurgy! 

When your temperature rises
To a hundred and ten
When your ears are ringing
Like they're near Big Ben
When your feet smell worse
Than a pig in a pen
You've come down with the lurgy! 

When you try to talk
Though blow bubbles instead
When the doctor's despairingly
Shaking his head
Saying “So, so sorry
“But it seems you're dead!”
You've come down with the lurgy! 

Failed Kamikaze

I'm a failed kamikaze pilot
Due to get the sack
Flying off to missions
Then forever coming back
Always had an awful aim
Wide of targets with my plane

I'm a failed kamikaze pilot
Spot me from your ship
There's no need to panic
As you probably won't be hit
No surprise I'm still alive
Flopped since 1945

I'm a failed kamikaze pilot
Your friendly enemy
Trying hard to bash your boat
I crash into the sea
Playing golf I miss the hole
Never scored a soccer goal

I'm a failed kamikaze pilot
Sadly dodging death
I may strike the bullseye soon
But do not hold your breath
All my mates die in attacks
Seems I've not acquired that knack

I'm a failed kamikaze pilot
Killing's not my thing
Guess I'm not a kind of guy
Who's merciless and mean
If you want to win your war
Please don't call me anymore

I'm a failed kamikaze pilot
Due to get the sack
Flying off to missions
And still I'm coming back

Lists

A list of my most favourite films
A list of sweets to eat
A list of must have computer games
A list of top ten books to read

A list of presents for Dad's birthday
A list of winners of the World Cup
A list of Kings and Queens of England
A list of what I will be when I grow up

A list of countries I really should visit
A list of things to do indoors when it rains
A list of zoo animals I'd keep as pets
A list of teachers at school with daft names

A list of friends to invite for tea
A list of New Year Resolutions for January 1st
A list of strange people who live down my street
A list of lessons I think are the worst

A list of pop star posters pinned on my wall
A list of words for this week's spelling test
A list of all numbers up to infinity
A list of dangerous dinosaurs I like the best

A list of poems I'm planning to write
A list of ingredients for carrot cake
A list of every colour in the rainbow and more
A list of girls in my class I would date

When so much stuff spins round in my head
I keep calm, don't stress and make a list instead

Yesterday My Head Exploded

Yesterday my head exploded with a loud KA-BOOM!
Wanted to learn maths but found there wasn't any room
Couldn't fit more knowledge in
Now my neck just has a chin

Yesterday my head exploded with a loud KER-SPLAT!
Leaving me an empty space right underneath my hat
Tried to squeeze in one new fact
Straw that broke the camel's back

Yesterday my head exploded with a loud KA-POW!
Lost my ears, my nose, my mouth, my teeth, my hair, my brow
While my friends looked on and laughed
I sat headless in the class

Yesterday my head exploded with a loud KER-RUNCH!
Had to cease my studying, unable to eat lunch
Too much work too little play
Caused my top to blow away 

Yesterday my head exploded with a loud KER-POP
As my brain has disappeared this poem has to...STOP!

Tornado Tortoise

Tornado Tortoise
Always lightning fast
While others plod and ponder
You see him zipping past
Never creeps and never crawls
Never stops and never stalls

Tornado Tortoise
Quickest of his kind
As friends go slow - one mile a year
He leaves them all behind
Eats ten lettuce for his tea
Fantastic velocity

Tornado Tortoise
Such an athlete! 
Tiny tortoise trainers
On those tiny tortoise feet
Check out his new running kit
Don't you know he's super fit!

Tornado Tortoise
Won Olympic gold
In the creature hundred metres
Left opponents cold
Has no need to hibernate
Is he using roller skates?

I asked him
"Why are you so swift, Tornado won't you tell?"
He had a think
Then gave a wink
And said...
"I'm powered by shell!

Bad Smells

Bad smells
Brussels sprouts
Bad smells
Mouldy trout

Bad smells
Dirty dogs
Bad smells
Squashed frogs

Bad smells
Stinky socks
Bad smells
Chicken pox

Bad smells
Pigsties
Bad smells
Dead flies

Bad smells
Rotten eggs
Bad smells
Monster breath

Bad smells
Dentists
Bad smells
Armpits

Bad smells
Green slime
Bad smells
Cheese rind

Bad smells
Mud 'n' muck
Bad smells
Yuck, yuck, yuck

Bad smells
Dustbins
Bad smells
DISGUSTING!

Choose Your T-Shirt

Choose your t-shirt with care
Do you want the world to be wowed and stare
At your uniqueness
And stand out freakiness?
Or do you prefer to blend in
Run with the pack
Shout aloud
“I'm in with the in-crowd”
Do you want a picture front and back?

V-neck? Round-neck?
Sleeves or no sleeves?
This isn't just an item of clothing
It's a statement of what you believe in!
Pick a political slogan of your choice
Provide it with a platform, give it a voice
“Sack the Government!”
“Love the Environment!”
“No Nukes – Disarmament!”
“Mandela is Innocent!*”
(*Nothing wrong with retro you understand)
Why not select your favourite singer or band?
Beatles, Stones, Ramones, Nirvana
Muse, Foo Fighters, Bananarama
Elvis, Queen, Johnny Cash
The Smiths, Oasis or the Clash?

Tight, long, large, baggy
Snug, short, small, saggy
Display a self-portrait
A Tweetie Pie cartoon
A national flag
Neil Armstrong on the moon
Replica football team kits
Pattern only tops are fine
Custom-make your own design
But hey, don't copy mine!

Choose your t-shirt with care
Beware: Don't become a square
Go where those fashion eagles dare
Though on hot days you might opt for bare-chested
Girls beware – you could get arrested
But please reject Gap, Coke, Apple, Hard Rock etcetera, 
Free corporate advertising is anathema? 
Stop! 
Burn the lot!
Instead model a movie star
Monroe, Tarantino
Dean, Pitt, Di Nero
Or fly into action as an iconic superhero
TV programme, title of a book
Let it refine and define your look

Whatever you decide on
Choose your t-shirt with care
Like you'd choose a husband or wife
And it'll hug you and love you
For the rest of its life
It doesn't matter about shoes, suits, dresses or underwear
So long as you choose your t-shirt with care 

Stickman

I'm a stickman
No fingers or toes
I'm a stickman
Don't need to wear clothes

I'm a stickman
I've got a stick wife
I've been a stickman
All of my life

I'm a stickman
A bunch of black lines
I'm a stickman
See me on street signs

I'm a stickman
So thin, thin, thin
I'm a stickman
No skin, skin, skin

I'm a stickman
I've never been born
I'm a stickman
I've only been drawn

I wish I was strong and built from bricks
But I'm a stick man just made from sticks

There's No Such Thing as a Wazzock

There's no such thing as a Wazzock Mum said
As she turned the light off and tucked me in bed
Those shadows that shake must be all in my head
There's no such thing as a Wazzock

There's no such thing as a Wazzock you see
The creature that loves to eat children for tea
Though in the dark four eyes are following me
There's no such thing as a Wazzock

There's no such thing as a Wazzock it's true
That's why you'll not find them in cages in zoos
It's rumoured they're furry and indigo blue
There's no such thing as a Wazzock

There's no such thing as a Wazzock I know
As tall as a tree from its hat to its toe
With horns of a rhino and claws of a crow
There's no such thing as a Wazzock

There's no such thing as a Wazzock it seems
So I can sleep safely and have pleasant dreams
Why would I be woken by squawking and screams?
When there's no such thing as a Wazzock

Give Him a Ball

Many of the world's top footballers have used the sport to escape their life of poverty and even refugee status:

Give him a ball so he can kick

Curl, dribble, head, learn incredible tricks

Give him a ball so he has the key

The means, the power, the hope to succeed

Give him a ball to open the door

Escape poverty, hunger, famine and war

Give him a ball - he'll exceed expectations

Find fame, wealth, health and explore foreign nations

Give him a ball to raise him high up

Win medals, trophies, perhaps the World Cup

Give him a ball then watch him soar

As his shots hit the net and the crazy crowds roar

Give him a ball and he'll never die

Give him a ball and he'll fly

Kids Love Ketchup

Kids love ketchup on their chips
Kids love ketchup on their crisps
Kids love ketchup on their eggs
Kids love ketchup on their bread

Kids love ketchup on baked beans
And to drown the taste of greens
Kids love ketchup though of course
Posh kids say 'tomato sauce'

Kids love ketchup on pork chops
Chicken, chocolate, lollipops
Kids love ketchup they form queues
Just to watch that ketchup ooooooooooze

Kids love ketchup in meat pies
Make my bottle jumbo size
Kids love ketchup on their plates
It's the relish they most rate

Kids love ketchup on their hair
Hands, nose, clothes and everywhere
Kids love ketchup twenty-four seven
Like to live in ketchup heaven

Kids love ketchup on their cheese
Kids love ketchup freshly squeeeeeeeeeezed
Dig the red ketchuppy mess
Do kids love ketchup? Yes! Yes! Yes!

Bored Superhero

I'm a bored superhero
With nothing left to do
I've saved the Earth a hundred times
And distant planets too
Defeated every villain
And foiled their evil plans
No longer called to action
I'm not a busy man

I'm a bored superhero
Have you a job for me?
I'll help grannies crossing roads
Or rescue cats from trees
I'd rather face grave danger
And flex my muscles tight
Show off my mighty powers
Beat baddies in a fight

I'm a bored superhero
Now wearing normal clothes
With costume packed inside a box
I'm just another Joe
Nobody ever knows me
When I stroll into town
But I've made it a safer place
There's no crime to be found

I'm a bored superhero
So hire me if you like
I'll clean your house at triple speed
Or trace your stolen bike
Perform at children's parties
Or walk your dog for you
I'm a bored superhero
With nothing left to do

Red

Red is a stunning sunset horizon
Red is a flickering flame
Red is the hottest hue you'll lay your eyes on
Red is half the pack of a playing card game
Red is the brightness in neon lighting
Red is the blood of Count Dracula's biting
The Devil himself is red, red, red!
Which shade did Dad choose to paint our garden shed?
Red!

Don't confuse the Red Sea with the Dead Sea
Which is your favourite red fruit - cherry, raspberry or strawberry?
Too much TV and IT will redden your eyes
Red ants in your pants is not a pleasant surprise
If your skin's burning lobster red get off that sunbed
Check out those clowns with massive red noses
Smell the sweetness of my Valentine's red roses

He was red with embarrassment
She was red with anger
Swimming by the red flag puts you in grave danger
Stop!
A red signal will halt speeding traffic
Pop!
My red balloon burst as a pin pricked its plastic
If your red's too red then think
About mixing in white to turn it pink

Ladies like to apply red makeup to their lips
Kids love to pour red ketchup on their chips
And if you're seriously silly
You might put raw red chilli on your tongue
Want a red fire engine dial 911
In the USA
Or 999 in the UK
Ole!
The bull charged the matador on seeing red
If you're colourblind you may be seeing green instead
Red rubies, cabbages, hair, beetroot, cheeks
Apples, pandas, buses, Lego bricks

Finally...
I hope you enjoyed this poem
But if you think you can make it better
Please mark your corrections in red ink
And return it to Neal Zetter

It's Not Fine to Sit on a Porcupine

It's not fine to sit on a porcupine
Your day will turn nasty and rotten
You'll have holes in your pants
And there's quite a big chance
That his quills will stay stuck in your bottom

It's not fine to sit on a porcupine
You'll shoot like a star to the ceiling
And experience pain
From your toes to your brain
Then be left with a tingling feeling

Although the creature's cute and sweet
With button nose
And tiny feet
He'll stop you relaxing in your seat
Because...

It's not fine to sit on a porcupine
Please listen, take note of my warning
When you're touching those spines
You'll scream loudly and whine
And your bum will still ache in the morning

It's not fine to sit on a porcupine
That's true I'm not joking or jesting
If you now ignore this
You'll end up with sore bits
So be careful where your rear is resting

 

 

You Can't Beat a Fry Up

Your breakfast is swimming in rivers of fat
All your best instincts are telling you that
Your heart will succumb to a fatal attack
It's a diet from hell
It's a loud alarm bell
But you can't beat a fry up

Sausage, three eggs, streaky bacon, hash browns
Nothing can top that hot sizzling sound
Soon you'll be found in a box underground
Your doc shrieks "Cholesterol!"
Each time she blood tests you
But you can't beat a fry up

With a side order of butter and toast
WeightWatchers' memberships give up the ghost
Four hours later you'll face Sunday roast
The meal you're enjoying
Has oceans of oil in
But you can't beat a fry up

I don't want Weetabix, Cornflakes or bran
Healthy fruit portions, cheese, croissants or ham
My guilty pleasure's prepared in a pan
You're slogging when jogging
With arteries clogging
But you can't beat a fry up

 

Saturday Dad

He's a Saturday Dad
Spending the morning with his eight-year old lad
Comparing, sharing the separate weeks they've had
Never enough time to say how he really feels
During a wander in the park
And a not very Happy Meal
How could a promise-filled future 
Become so bad?
He knows the questions
Not the answers 
He's a Saturday Dad

A single day in seven is too small a slice
Of the cake he baked
That's now his family life
Women, wild nights, broken promises
Too many choices not from his wedding list
A part-time parent
Ruing what he never had
While his son remains his number one
He's still a Saturday Dad

Though he wants to enjoy
Precious moments with his boy
They're filled with frustration
Struggling to find connections
In disjointed conversations
How can a match spectator collect a pass?
A father slipping further away
Prematurely out to grass
Dejected, reflecting
In his cramped bachelor pad
Counting solitary seconds
Till the weekend that beckons
He's a Saturday Dad