How to Spot a Horse

If it won't go wild for hay
Isn't black, brown, white or grey
Never whinnies, never neighs
Then it's probably not a horse

If no rider's on its back
If it doesn't love to hack
Always greets you with a quack
Then it's probably not a horse

If it can't canter or trot
Won't eat carrots (cold or hot)
Sails the oceans in a yacht
Then it's probably not a horse

If it's loathing sugar lumps
Wants to hop instead of jump
If it's grown one or two humps
Then it's probably not a horse

If its neck's without a mane
If it owns a largish brain
Parachutes from aeroplanes
Then it's probably not a horse

BUT
If it won't fit under tables
Is found in a field or stable
Has 'HORSE' written on its label
Then of course, of course, of course
It's most definitely, certainly, positively...a horse!

Mister Poetry Man

Here comes a man
With a pen in his hand
Rhythms and rhymes at his command
To build a sandcastle 
You need sand
But who'd you need to write a poem?
Mister Poetry Man

Here comes a man
Guaranteed to inspire
Spreading sunshine and creating a smile
To eat a jam sandwich
You need jam
But who'd you need to write a poem?
Mister Poetry Man

Here comes a man
With a million ideas
Using verse to help sadness disappear
To drink a can of coke
You need a can
But who'd you need to write a poem?
Mister Poetry Man

Here comes a man
To make dreams come true
And a rainbow sky if you're feeling blue
To take a tram ride 
You need a tram
But who'd you need to write a poem?
Mister Poetry Man

Here comes a man
With a magical touch
Words pour from his mouth
You can't get enough
If you like 'fantastic'
You will be a fan
But who'd you need to write a poem?
Mister Poetry Man

Lightning Bolt

Lamborghinis were left for dead
Speedometers smashed, shot way past red
Superman and Flash both frazzled and fried
Defeated far from the finishing line

When they faced living lightning
Not white but black
Blistering, bombing, booming along the race track

A nuclear attack
A whiplash crack
A smoking stack
The Legend with the knack
The Leader of the pack
Opponents only ever saw his back

They were trounced and toasted
Wrecked, ruined and roasted
Sweating, spraining, straining
While who gloriously coasted?

The fastest man on Earth
Powered by a million volts
Gold medal taker
From Jamaica
Mister Usain Bolt

Orangutang, atang, atang, atang, atang, atang

Who's swinging on that tree
Eats fruit and veg for tea?
The orange one that's lots of fun who children queue to see

Orangutang, atang, atang, atang, atang, atang
Orangutang, atang, atang, atang, atang, atang

With arms extremely long
Huge muscles, super-strong
He says his second cousin's the gorilla called King Kong

Orangutang, atang, atang, atang, atang, atang
Orangutang, atang, atang, atang, atang, atang

He's jumping up and down
Fists thumping on the ground
He loves to play so every day he's monkeying around

Orangutang, atang, atang, atang, atang, atang
Orangutang, atang, atang, atang, atang, atang

His home is way out East
The cleverest of beasts
He picks his nose, he bites his toes, then scratches all his fleas

Orangutang, atang, atang, atang, atang, atang
Orangutang, atang, atang, atang, atang, atang

He likes to beat his chest
Tries so hard to impress
Of all the apes you've ever met who'd you think is the best?

Orangutang, atang, atang, atang, atang, atang
Orangutang, atang, atang, atang, atang, atang

Orangutang, atang, atang, atang, atang, atang
Orangutang, atang, atang, atang, atang, atang

I Won't Eat Snails

I don't want snails for dinner
Or lurking in my lunch
Their yucky bodies squish and squelch
Their shells crack with a crunch
In France they may adore them
But I'm in England now
So remove them from the table
I won't eat SNAILS!

I don't want snails for breakfast
No antennae with my tea
Return them to the garden
Drop them by the nearest tree
You can drag me to the station
Tie me helpless to the rails
But keep molluscs off the menu
I won't eat SNAILS!

I don't want snails in sandwiches 
They're too terrible on toast
In marinades on barbecues
Or served with Sunday roast
I'll strip down to my underpants 
In rain, snow, sleet and hail
But one delicacy's not for me
I won't eat SNAILS!

I don't want snails for supper
For pudding or for sweet
I don't regard a gastropod
In garlic as a treat
I can't consume a creature
Oozing slippery, slimy trails
Though for a dare I'd bite a bear
I won't eat SNAILS!

Pay me sack loads of money
Or immerse them in honey
STILL I won't eat SNAILS!

Mr Teacher is Our Teacher

Mr Teacher is our teacher

"It's tricky to explain"

He told us when he taught us

So he told us once again

"I'm your teacher, Mr Teacher

"You say 'teacher' twice

"I was born a Teacher

"Been a Teacher all my life"

Mr Teacher is our teacher

It messes with our brains

Though teacher is the job he does

It's also his last name

He's married to a teacher

So she's called 'Teacher' too

Mrs Teacher is a teacher

Also teaching at our school

They've got two Teacher children

Who may grow up to teach

A total of four Teachers teaching

Would be really neat! 

But now we're even more confused

'Cause Mr Teacher said

"A new Headteacher starts tomorrow...

"And her name's 'Mrs Head!'"

Mammoth on the Underground

There's a mammoth on the Underground
Causing quite a crush
There's a mammoth on the Underground
Making such a fuss
There's a mammoth on the Underground
Sitting on ten seats
There's a mammoth on the Underground
Check those hairy feet

There's a mammoth on the Underground
Blocking carriage doors
There's a mammoth on the Underground
Letting out a “ROOOOAAAARRRRRRR!”
There's a mammoth on the Underground
Trunk upon my lap
There's a mammoth on the Underground
I warned him “Mind the gap!”

There's a mammoth on the Underground
Thump! Thump! Thump!
There's a mammoth on the Underground
Stomp! Stomp! Stomp!
There's a mammoth on the Underground
Mash! Mash! Mash!
There's a mammoth on the Underground
Crash! Crash! Crash!

There's a mammoth on the Underground
Weighing twenty tonnes
There's a mammoth on the Underground
Scoffing current buns
There's a mammoth on the Underground
Two titanic tusks
There's a mammoth on the Underground
Can't he take the bus?

There's a mammoth on the Underground
Got on at Finsbury Park
There's a mammoth on the Underground
He's off to Marble Arch
There's a mammoth on the Underground
Slowing down my train
There's a mammoth on the Underground
Shout it out again

There's a mammoth on the Underground
Thump! Thump! Thump!
There's a mammoth on the Underground
Stomp! Stomp! Stomp!
There's a mammoth on the Underground
Mash! Mash! Mash!
There's a mammoth on the Underground
Crash! Crash! Crash!

Tissue

We're tissue paper in the wind
Row boats in raging seas
Frail cobwebs hung on cornerstones
Brown leaves on autumn trees

We're snowflakes in a swirling storm
We're lonely number ones
We're rabbits caught in bright headlights
Soft ice cream in hot sun

Tiny Bits

My heart's smashed on the kitchen floor
My blood is splashed on our front door
My stomach's stranded on the roof
And in the bath swims my false tooth
My hands are poking out the sink
My legs are on the window ledge (on the brink)

My arms are in the flowerbed 
Look down the toilet - there's my head
My toes are scattered through the lounge
My fingers too are strewn around
My torso's on the patio
My soul's forever lost
I've broken into tiny bits
Since 
You
Ran
Off...

Guinness World Records

The world's hairiest tongue
The world's fattest ants
The world's runniest nose
The world's tightest underpants

The world's stupidest joke
The world's biggest bum
The world's bounciest bed
The world's stretchiest chewing gum

The world's politest shark
The world's craziest laugh
The world's coldest volcano
The world's tiniest giraffe

The world's ugliest baby
The world's longest noodle
The world's wettest water
The world's strangest doodle

The world's squashiest tomato
The world's snottiest sneeze
The world's smelliest nappy
The world's itchiest fleas

The world's crunchiest crisps
The world's laziest cheetah
The world's quietest noise 
The world's spiciest fajita

The world's whitest ghost
The world's stripiest pyjamas
The world's spottiest teenager
The world's bendiest bananas

The world's strictest teacher
The world's poshest princess
The world's loudest burp
The world's hardest spelling test

The world's smartest website
The world's cleverest book
The most fantastic facts and feats 
Do you want to take a look? 
At 
Guinness! 
World!
Records!

Remember

For all the lives that were lost

For all the minds that were crushed

For all the trenches and mud

For all the bile and blood

For all the yards of barbed wire

For all the guns that were fired

For all the bombs and the blasts

For all the poisonous gas

For all the loved ones who cried

For all the generals who lied

For all the flags vainly waved

For all the crosses on graves

For all the horror and pain

For every 'never again'

On this Sunday in November

Wear your poppy and...

Remember

Wet Play

Children bouncing off the walls
Breaking each and every rule
Noise and din rapidly growing
Teachers' stress levels are showing
Tables, chairs wrecked in a mess
Scattered Lego, draughts and chess

Games out 
Books away
Everyone shouts
"Wet play!"

Eat your lunch then class again
'Cause outside it's pouring rain
Football pitches drenched and muddy
Sandpits soaking, drowned and flooded
Drier times are so much better
It's no fun when weather's wetter

Autumn clouds
Dark and grey
Thunder! Lightning!
"Wet play!"

Pupils bored, nothing to do
Jump about like kangaroos
In a hyperactive state
More a battle than a break
Miss is yelling "Stop! Stop! Stop!"
Praying soon it's one o'clock

Summer sun?
Not today!
So what's instead?
WET PLAY!

H2O

Water, water, everywhere to wash in and to drink
Filling up the swimming pool, the bath and kitchen sink
It makes the grass and flowers grow
In winter time it's ice and snow
In France it's known as just plain `eau'
Go with the flow
It's H2O

It has no colour, taste or smell
Found in rivers, lakes and wells
Splash, splash
Splosh, splosh
Drip, drip
Drop, drop
Rain, rain, rain will it ever stop?
Precipitation all over our nation
Go with the flow
It's H2O

Two-thirds of the Earth is covered in it
It's home to billions of fishes
Dangerous enough to drown all of us
Yet without it how would we do the dishes?
Great to shower in
Great to bathe in
Put down that water pistol, stop misbehaving
Go green instead, start water saving
Go with the flow
It's H2O

People die when it runs out
In Africa in times of drought
In the sweltering, scorching, sizzling sun
But if it's plentiful
Like in a waterfall
It's gurgling, gushing, glorious fun
What liquid's top of the plops at number one?
Be saturated not dehydrated
Go with the flow
It's H2O

It's in the waves of the oceans
In the tide of the seas
In the wet of our sweat
And in the `achoooooooooo' of your sneeze
It's in coffee, milkshakes, juice and teas
Turning to steam at one hundred degrees
Though at zero you can watch it freeze
I'm so thirsty, pour me a glass of water please
Go with the flow
It's H2O

My Cat

My cat sat on the
Rug

My cat is very
Thin

My cat wears
Nothing on his head (he's a cat for Pete's sake!)

My cat
Stood up

My cat's name is
Pat...rick

My cat caught a
Large rodent

My cat says
Poems don't have to rhyme (*)

(*) Some of the time

Clark Kent

Why must I be Clark Kent?
The meek mild-mannered American gent
While Superman wins all of his fights
And stands for everything that’s right
I hate what I’ve come to represent
I’ve no x-ray vision, I can’t fly
I’ve got a voice that’s far too high
And though Superman can never die
I bruise, cut, graze, scratch, bleed and dent
‘Cause I’m the big flop, milksop - Clark Kent

Superman’s on all the pages of every comic book he’s in
While I rarely even get to have a look in
His pictures are plastered across each edition’s cover
He takes all the plaudits and has all the lovers
I’m too far down the pecking order ever to recover
And that’s something that I really resent
I’m soooooo not content
With being plain old, same old - Clark Kent

It’s just not right
‘Cause I’m not scared of green kryptonite
But Superman is yet he’s portrayed as indestructible
While I’m seen as flimsy, weedy, weak and combustible
I’d ask that Man of Steel to change places with me
But he’d never agree
To be a mere Daily Planet reporter slaving away to pay his rent
He’s a hero, I’m a zero - I’m Clark Kent

Why can’t I rescue damsels in distress
Face super villains and Herculean tests?
Why must I wear specs from the National Health
And not contact lenses like everyone else?
Why must I use a phone box to undress?
Why can’t I have a yellow `CK’ on my chest?
Why can’t I be like him – strong, muscular and cute
And wear something more dashing than a boring blue suit
And tie?
Oh why does Lois Lane prefer that super guy?
Yes, you too would have this much anger to vent
If you were Mr Anonymous, Mr `Does He Have to Tag Along with Us?’
Clark Kent

I’m always being labelled as a great big drip
So Mr Superman Editor pleeeeease - change the script
To have my very own comic strip would be heaven sent
And what would I call it?
Just `Clark Kent’

I’m an Ant

I’m an ant
I’m a tiny ant
I think it’s cool
To be so small
Unlike a giraffe who’s very tall
Or a huge elephant
What am I?
I’m an ant

I’m a tiny ant
I crawl in pavement cracks
Under closed doors
Up your garden path
On your old apple cores
And then I get into your pants
What am I?
I’m an ant

I'm a tiny ant
I think it’s wise
To be a millimetre in size
Then I can hide from hungry flies
Please join me in my rant
What am I?
I’m an ant

I'm a tiny ant
I move through mud
Live under rocks
Walk about in grass
And in your smelly socks
Be careful where you stamp
You might tread on me
What am I?
I’m an ant

I'm a tiny ant
That’s what I am
I’m gonna steal your strawberry jam
For tea
So give me an `A’ an `N’ and a `T’
I can see you
But you can’t see me
What am I?
I’m an ant

Spider-Man!

Over New York City
Deep in the night
You'll spot him at the highest height
Who's that bloke in the blue and red tights?
That's Spider-Man!

He spins a web
Then catches crooks
And stars in films and comic books
Known for his strength and insect looks
That's Spider-Man!

Peter Parker's his real name
He and our hero are one and the same
Powerful enough to stop a runaway train
That's Spider-Man!

Destroying villains' evil plans 
He’s more super than Superman
Swinging 'cross the sky like an orang-utan
That's Spider-Man!

He beats Green Goblin, Electro too
While stuck to buildings without glue
Which spider can't be flushed down your loo?
That's Spider-Man!

Though danger threatens don't be scared
He'll save the world with time to spare
So if you're a fan wave your hands in the air...

And shout "Spider-Man!"

Angry Shopping Trolley

I am an angry shopping trolley
You guide me left and right
But I've got a bad attitude
So I go where I like
If you choose to use me
I'll eat and keep your pound
Then make you shake and then vibrate
While you move me around 

I am an angry shopping trolley
A metal mean machine
Although my mates help customers
I'm awkward as can be
I knock into your kneecaps
I roll over your toes
Please bring a bag with you next time
And leave me here alone

I'm an angry shopping trolley
Not your supermarket pal
Why don't you buy your groceries
Somewhere else inside this mall?
I bash the other trolleys
And give them bad headaches
It's not my fault I don't possess
A steering wheel or brakes

I gripe and get real grumpy
When kids sit in my seat
While parents push me down the aisle
And cram me full of fruit...salad...biscuits...drinks...vegetables...fish...crisps...and meat
Take me to the checkout - now!
Or I'll suddenly stop
I'm an angry shopping trolley
Who doesn't want to SHOP!

Elephant in the Room

Are zebras black with white stripes?
Or are they white with black?
Why was that murderer never charged
When we know curiosity killed the cat?

If early birds catch the worms
Why don't worms get there later?
Can an adder also multiply
Without a calculator?

Do all camels have the hump
They seem quite chilled to me?
Fish have no hands
So how'd I get fish fingers for my tea?

It's strange that a wolf in sheep's clothing
With a monkey on his back
Turned into a paper tiger
Once he could smell a rat

Which came first the chicken or the egg?
Neither - dinosaurs of course
Are horses really liquidised
To make horseradish sauce?

We know a man cannot fly
But can a fly man?
Why is it one, three, four and five can't
But toucan?

Would a cheetah be disqualified
When finishing a race?
Why has a hare no hair at all
But has fur in its place?

Are hyenas daft to laugh
When there is nothing funny?
Pull a rabbit from a hat
And you're a clever bunny

You can kill two birds with one stone
Economical, but cruel
While the elephant in the room?
I won't mention it at all

National Hug a Zombie Day

(That's Halloween of course – the one day a year when we should be nice to zombies)

Please give zombies cuddles
Please give zombies love
Though they're gruesome, grim and grey
It's the time to cheer them up
Show them your charms
Hold out your arms
Don't let kindness go astray
On National Hug A Zombie Day

Though they're shifty
Move so stiffly
They're not nasty girls and guys
Just misunderstood a bit
And bitter since they've died
They hang about graveyards
Yet that shouldn't cause dismay
On National Hug A Zombie Day

Do they make your flesh crawl?
Do they make your skin creep?
Are you troubled by the undead company they keep?
They're not too groovy
In horror movies
But help forgiveness find a way
On National Hug A Zombie Day

Their brains could be hanging out
Their limbs dropping off
They could be making zombie noises
And looking rather rough
They bite and fight
Don't sleep at night
Who cares? Ask one round to play
On National Hug A Zombie Day

If it bothers you to find them in your bed
If it bugs you that their eyes are bloodshot red
If you're worried by those axes sticking out their heads
Each Halloween
No need to scream
As everything's okay
On National Hug A Zombie Day