Matter and Antimatter

(Any sci-fi movie fan will know that mixing these two things will cause the end of the universe - legend has it!)

Mixing matter with antimatter
It isn't very bright
The galaxy will be destroyed
The sun will lose its light
Don't play with scientific stuff
That you don't understand
If you mix matter with antimatter
Things will get out of hand

Mixing matter with antimatter
Is dangerous and rash
The cosmos will disintegrate
In one almighty flash
It's something Albert Einstein said
While working in his lab
If you mix matter with antimatter
It's bound to turn out bad

Mixing matter with antimatter
Would be a huge mistake
A big black hole would swallow us
Just like you'd eat a cake
As Stephen Hawking warned us all
When talking to the press
If you mix matter with antimatter
You'll make a massive mess

Mixing matter with antimatter
Is reckless and unwise
You'll cause a cataclysm
In which everybody fries
I've seen it in the movies
And it's not good news my friend
If you mix matter with antimatter
Our universe will end...
BOOM!

Magic Rubber

If I had a magic rubber
I'd rub out fighting and war
And matches that my football team loses (or draws)
I'd rub out horrible diseases
Tornadoes
Volcanoes
Thunder and lightning
Scary stuff that's way too frightening

I'd rub out poverty, starvation
Accidents and disasters
Boring supermarket shopping
Strict nasty headmasters
7 a.m. alarm clocks ringing
Stinging nettles stinging
My Dad in the shower - when he's singing

Bullies would be high on my hit list
Homework too
I'd rub out the cages in the zoo
Till the animals were free
Muggers and robbers
Boiled cabbage and mushy peas

People's broken hearts
My little brother's stinky farts
Whatever makes me stressed
Difficult spelling tests
And all the grey clouds in the sky till only blue was left
I'd even rub out death

Toothaches
Earthquakes
Whoever scoffed my last Easter egg
Anything that hurts
Rudeness
Annoying TV adverts
Buses and trains that never come
Long division and multiplication sums
Moments of madness
Teardrops of sadness
I'd erase the whole lot

And when everything was absolutely perfect in this world...
I'd rub out my magic rubber as well

The Worst Poem Ever

Welcome to the worst poem that you've ever read
It should have been a masterpiece but I wrote this instead
The speling's truely awful
The simple rhythm's dull
The grammar's bad and it don't use no imagery at all

My friends who say it's brilliant are just being polite
My critics say it's dreadful and I'll admit they're right
It hasn't any subject
It hasn't any theme
And some of the lines don't rhyme either

I urge you to ignore it, it's nowhere near my best
The next poem I'm producing will make you more impressed
With what word can I end it? 
I haven't got a clue
So I'm putting my pen down to leave that task to...
 

Ratcatcher

He's a pest controller
He's a vermin snatcher
He's a rodent hunter
He's the mean Ratcatcher

First he lays out the trap
Then he puts down the bait
Hides away in the dark
And he waits and he waits

Poison packed in his bag
Netting held in his hand
Hopes to catch every rat
That's infesting our land

Drives his Ratcatcher van
Painted grey, white and black
With his Ratcatcher name 
On the sides and the back

He finds rats in the drains
He finds rats under floors
During days hears them squeak
During nights hears them gnaw 

Doesn't care for his prey
Says that rats spread disease
For they once caused the plague
With their germs and their fleas

Is he good is he bad?
Is he cure or a curse?
If you ask any rats
They'll reply “He's the worst!”

So if you see a rat
Running fast through your town
Do not stress, do not fear
You know who's coming round

He's a pest controller
He's a vermin snatcher
He's a rodent hunter
He's the mean Ratcatcher

I'm Not Too Old to Own a Teddy Bear

I may be too old to learn my ABC
I may be too old to watch kids' TV
I may be too old to eat in a high chair
But I'm not too old to own a teddy bear

I may be too old to swim in paddling pools
I may be too old to go to primary school
I may be too old to have a full head of hair
But I'm not too old to own a teddy bear

I may be too old to ride roller skates
I may be too old for candles on my cake
I may be too old for dodgems at the fair
But I'm not too old to own a teddy bear

I may be too old to play a game of snap
I may be too old to try to rap, rap, rap
Sucking my thumb's now extremely rare
But I'm not too old to own a teddy bear

I may be too old to blow bubblegum
I may be too old for a smack on the bum
Alone in the dark I'm too old to be scared
But I'm not too old to own a teddy bear

I may be too old for fish fingers with chips
I may be too old for buying sherbet dips
You can say I look stupid but I just don't care
'Cause I'm not too old to own a teddy bear

Hiiiii-ku!

Hiiiii-ya! Chop! Hiiiii-ya!
Hiiiii-ya! Chop! Hiiiii-ya! Hiiiii-ya!
I'm a kung fu star!

Martian Kids

Martian kids
Oh so cool
Martian kids
Five feet tall

Martian kids
Got two heads
Martian kids
Got three legs

Martian kids
Dress real weird
Martian kids
Grow long beards

Martian kids
Mauve and blue
Martian kids
Have tattoos

Martian kids
Use jet packs
Martian kids
Eat ear wax

Martian kids
Breathe green gas
Martian kids
All hate maths

Martian kids
Play with rocks
Martian kids
Chew their socks

Martian kids
Hide in caves
Martian kids
Misbehave

Martian kids
From the stars
Martian kids
Come from Mars

I'm a Skunk

My fur's black and white and fluffy
And my tail is long and bushy

Stink, stank, stunk I'm a skunk

Though I'm sweet I'm also smelly
Bet you won't tickle my belly

Stink, stank, stunk I'm a skunk

I spray poison from my bottom
Yucky, nasty, foul and rotten

Stink, stank, stunk I'm a skunk

As the other creatures fear me
I suggest you don't come near me

Stink, stank, stunk I'm a skunk

When zoo animals throw parties
Then they hardly ever ask me

Stink, stank, stunk I'm a skunk

No-one hugs me it's too risky
And too dangerous to kiss me

Stink, stank, stunk I'm a skunk

If I bought a house next door you
You'd be pleased that I ignored you

Stink, stank, stunk I'm a skunk

I've a scent not nice like roses
Everybody - hold your noses!

Stink, stank, stunk I'm a skunk

I'm a skunk, skunk, skunk, skunk, skunk

PHEW!

Big Sister's in the Bathroom

Big sister's in the bathroom
She wants to be pretty and beautiful
Big sister's in the bathroom
She stares in the mirror and thinks she's cool
Sloshing on the make-up
Powdering her nose
Varnishing the nails
Of all her fingers and her toes
Though I'm banging on the door
She's not rushing that's for sure

Big sister's in the bathroom
Oh what on earth is she doing in there?
Big sister's in the bathroom
Shampooing, drying then brushing her hair
Putting on mascara
Washing in the shower
Time is moving on
She's now been in there for an hour
Hear me holler, scream and shout
Is she ever coming out?

Big sister's in the bathroom
Water is running the windows are steamed
Big sister's in the bathroom
Trying to look like a princess or queen
Modelling a new dress
Gold jewellery as well
Spraying on the perfume
Till she's super sweet to smell
Me? I'm growing old and grey
While my morning wastes away
“Miss, sorry I'm late for school today
“But...Big sister's in the bathroom”

Hop! Hop! Hop!

Hop down town
Hop through the street
Hop to the rhythm
Hop to the beat
Use one leg not two
Don't cheat!
Hop! Hop! Hop!

Hop in welly boots
Hop in pyjamas
Hop with a chicken
Hop with a llama
Stressed out?
Hopping will make you calmer
Hop! Hop! Hop!

Hop in a bus
Plane, train or car
Hop to the shops
And the cinema
Hop to the moon
Or the furthest star
Hop! Hop! Hop!

Hop! Hop! Hop!
Until you drop
Hop! Hop! Hop!

Hop down stairs
Up escalators
Hop while you're eating
Mashed potatoes
Why be early?
Get there later
Hop! Hop! Hop!

Hop for a worthy
Charitable cause
Hop a world record
Don't stop or pause
Why be boring?
Break the rules
Hop! Hop! Hop!

Hop through rain
Sleet, snow and sun
Hop 'cause you can
'Cause you wanna have fun
Don't walk, crawl
Shimmy, shuffle or run
Hop! Hop! Hop!

Hop! Hop! Hop!
With a cherry on top
Hop! Hop! Hop!

Father After Christmas

Christmas time is over it's long-finished and forgotten
From January Santa mainly sits upon his bottom
Our presents are delivered and he's posted every card
His silver sleigh is locked away unused in his garage

His reindeer have been set free or returned to London Zoo
So Santa is complaining that he has nothing to do
He spends hours watching telly or ice skating on the pond
“Though holidays are great” he says “one year is far too long”

Christmas time is over it's already just a memory
With decorations now boxed up and grottos lying empty
While Santa's suit is being washed with sack and bobble hat
He shaves his beard (which looks quite weird), he feels forlorn and flat

Apart from Mrs Claus he's left in Lapland on his own
His workshops are inactive as his elves relax at home
At least eleven months from twelve he's down, depressed and bored
'Cause Santa wishes every day...was December 24

Inside Grandad's Shed

The bright lights are flashing inside Grandad's shed
There's crashing and bashing inside Grandad's shed
He's in there all morning and all afternoon
He's in there all evening - oh what does he do?
I still hear him when I'm in bed
What goes on inside Grandad's shed?

He's often seen taking stuff inside his shed
And breaking then making stuff inside his shed
A table, a rocket, a miniature train
A gigantic robot with synthetic brain
Who'd ever pick Einstein instead?
When Grandad's at work in his shed

He's frequently storing stuff inside his shed
He's boring and sawing stuff inside his shed
Sparks fly off the rooftop, the door handle shakes
My Nan says that one day he'll cause an earthquake
He only comes out to be fed
My Grandad just lives in his shed

He's constantly fixing stuff inside his shed
He's sticking and mixing stuff inside his shed
He's hammering, painting and drilling holes too
With nuts and with bolts and with nails and with screws
So please read the warning in red
'BEWARE AND KEEP OUT - GRANDAD'S SHED!'

10 Things I Hate About Winter

(With format taken from the wonderful '10 Things I Hate About You' movie)

I hate you for your long dark nights
I hate the way you steal the light
I hate your frosty, freezing cold
I hate the way you claim the old

Although your snow makes pretty scenes
I hate the way you kill the green
I hate your viruses and flu
I hate your dull depression too

I hate the way you blunt the sun
I hate your total lack of fun
And, my tenth and final reason…

I hate you for bullying us, you horrible season

I'm a Poet

(When I tell people I'm a poet the reply is nearly always "...and you don't know it", so this one's for them.)

I'm not a nerd, I'm not a freak
I'm not a weirdo or a geek
I'm a poet

Express myself through rap and rhyme
That rhythm gets me every time
I'm a poet

I must create, I crave to write
All morning, afternoon and night
I'm a poet

Don't own a mansion or a car
Not what you'd call a superstar
I'm a poet

A hunger and a thirst for verse
Is this a talent or a curse?
I'm a poet

My pen or pencil's always poised
I'm doing what I most enjoy
I'm a poet

An office job is not for me
I'm loving words and literacy
I'm a poet

I make you laugh, I make you cry
I think you know the reason why
I'm a poet

And yes, I definitely know it because...
I'm
A
Poet!

Don't Forget Your Toothbrush

(I recently made a list of things for my daughter to take on her holiday – her first by herself and it got me thinking...)

I don't care if you forget to wash your face
I don't care if you forget your new suitcase
I don't care if you forget to comb your hair
I don't care if you forget your underwear
I don't care if you forget your plastic mac
I don't care if you forget your rucksack
I don't care if you forget to wave goodbye
I don't care if there's no tear in your eye

But whatever you do...
Don't forget your toothbrush!

I don't care if you forget your front door key
I don't care if you forget your book to read
I don't care if you forget your sandwich box
I don't care if you forget to change your socks
I don't care if your swimming trunks aren't packed
I don't care if you forget your woolly hat
I don't care if you forget your mobile phone
I don't care if your passport's left at home

But whatever you do...
Don't forget your toothbrush!

I don't care if you forget to take your map
I don't care if you forget to mind the gap
I don't care if you forget your bag of sweets
I don't care if you forget to wash your feet
I don't care if you forget your can of drink
I don't care if you forget the kitchen sink
I don't care if you forget your medication
I don't care if you forget your destination

But whatever you do...
Don't forget your toothbrush!

Prehistoric Poem

Pterodactyl
Pterodactyl
Where is your letter P?
Each time I say your name aloud
It always starts with T
Did you chuck it in the dustbin
Or wash it down the sink?
Perhaps like you it's disappeared
Forever and extinct

Chemistry Set

There are black marks on the carpet
Clouds of chlorine choke the air
Yellow sulphur stains the curtains
Copper oxide's everywhere
I say “Mum it's educational
“So worth the price we pay”
When I get my chemistry set out to play

Waves of deadly radiation
Are emitted from a flask
And instead of plain old water
Nitric acid fills the bath
Dad then checks our house insurance
While his hair is turning grey
When I get my chemistry set out to play

The white cushions are bright purple
Strong hydroxide burns my hand
My attempt to make gunpowder
Doesn't go the way I planned
As I reach for the first aid kit
Our pet hamster's blown away
When I get my chemistry set out to play

A cracked test tube full of green stuff
Has exploded with a BOOOOOOM!
And my stink bombs laced with arsenic
Can be smelt upon the moon
Then the fire brigade is breaking down my door
To save the day
When I get my chemistry set out to play

Resolutions

I used to have road rage but now I walk
I used to eat with fingers but now I use a fork
I used to swear profusely but now I'm real posh
I used to have plaque but now I floss
I used to smoke but now I vape
I used to be impatient but now I wait
I used to do drugs but now I'm clean
I used to waste energy but now I'm green
I used to use violence but now I'm a pacifist
I used to forget but now I make a shopping list
I used to freeze but now I wear a vest
I used to burp at mealtimes but now I digest
I used to have insomnia but now I sleep
I used to count the hours but now I count sheep
I used to pick my nose but now I blow
I used to be a shrinking violet but now I grow
I used to be obese but now I've lost weight
I used to scoff at art but now I visit the Tate
I used to gamble but now I bet I'll stop
I used to wet the bed but now I use a pot
I used to be idle but now I work
I used to hate dancing but now I twerk
I used to spray graffiti but now I write poetry
2-0-1-7 – this is the new me

It's Got to Be a Pea

What is that tiny little ball that's knocking at your door?
Grass-green and round it makes no sound when rolling 'cross the floor
Born in a pod and served with cod it doesn't grow on trees
It's got to be
It has to be
It's certainly a pea

It might come from a freezer bag or fresh or from a can
It might be liquidised in soup though would taste weird in jam
What's fun to flick at dinnertime at friends or family?
It's got to be
It has to be
It's definitely a pea

It could be minted, split, black-eyed or even marrow fat
Or squished and squashed beneath your shoe, steamrollered, fairly flat
Don't stick one up your nostril it will make you sniff and sneeze
It's got to be
It has to be
(The 16th letter of your ABC)
It's unquestionably a pea

I'm Not Michael Rosen

I'm Neal Zetter for goodness sake
A genuine poet and not a fake
Yet when I'm working in a school
There's another name by which I'm called

I'm not Michael Rosen
I'm not Michael Rosen
Even if we have the same clothes on
I'm not Michael Rosen

Though Mike's a guy I really rate
Who wrote 'Bear Hunt' and 'Chocolate Cake'
You'll also know my poetry
'Banana', 'Porcupine' and 'Bee'

I'm not Michael Rosen
I'm not Michael Rosen
Even with a false beard and nose on
I'm not Michael Rosen

Now this confusion makes me mad
He's not my clone, he's not my dad
His not my brother, not my twin
'Cause I am me and he is him

I'm not Michael Rosen
I'm not Michael Rosen
He's not even my distant cousin
I'm not Michael Rosen

Perhaps some poets look alike
We are both men, we are both white
But nothing else is quite the same
Still I'm compelled to state again

I'm not Michael Rosen
I'm not Michael Rosen
I'm the visiting poet you've chosen
I'm not Michael Rosen

He's MR
I'm NZ
Say I'm 'Rosen' I'll see red
I'm definitely not Michael Rosen