Fire Alarm

Beep, beep, beep, beep
"Pens down, books down"
Beep, beep, beep, beep
"March to the playground"

Beep, beep, beep, beep
"Leave bags, coats, hats"
Beep, beep, beep, beep
"Form a queue, don't chat"

Beep, beep, beep, beep
"WALK down the corridor"
Beep, beep, beep, beep
"WALK down the back stairs"

Beep, beep, beep, beep
"By the gate - two rows"
Beep, beep, beep, beep
"Just a drill? Who knows?"

Beep, beep, beep, beep
"Answer when your name's called"
Beep, beep, beep, beep
"Danny - drop the football!"

Beep, beep, beep, beep
"Anyone seen Charlotte?"
Beep, beep, beep, beep
"She's stuck in the toilet!"

Beep, beep, beep, beep
“Wait and wait and wait and wait”
Beep, beep, beep, beep
“Dinner time will be late”

Beep, beep, beep, beep
"The fire brigade's in school"
Beep, beep, beep, beep
"No fire found at all"

Beep, beep, beep, beep
"WALK up the back stairs"
Beep, beep, beep, beep
"WALK up the corridor"

Beep, beep, beep, beep
Teacher said "Two out of ten..."
Beep, beep, beep, beep
"Tomorrow we will try again"

Beep, beep, beep, beep...

Rubbish Robin

You're rubbish
Rubbish Robin
Hobnobbing with costumed superhero types
With your daft little mask
And your flesh coloured tights
Sporting green girlie pants oh
The least dynamic of the Dynamic Duo

Penguin licks you
Riddler kicks you
You can't scare villains when your first name's Dick you
are rubbish Robin

Why has the Boy Wonder no superpowers?
More at home with origami 
Or arranging flowers
You're just not hard
You should stick to posing for Christmas cards

Wonder Woman floors you
Supergirl ignores you
Catwoman's likely to outclaw you

'Cause when the Batsignal is the shining light
Over Gotham City like a beacon bright
And The Dark Knight's swooping into view
You're out your depth without a clue
Did you waffle your way through your job interview? 
Even Batgirl has a better review
I hope you don't come to MY rescue

Bane will bash you
Two-Face trash you
My little sister could easily smash you

Yes you're rubbish Robin
Sad but true
Batman prefers Alfred the butler the you
Or Superman, Green Lantern or The Flash
You should be left out with the trash

Joker beats you
Scarecrow defeats you
Autograph hunters don't wish to meet you

Ask yourself:
BATmobile
BATphone
BATcave
BATsuit
BATarang 
Why doesn't anything bear YOUR name?

And 'na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na - Batman!'
It's HIS theme tune, you're omitted from that man
'Cause you're rubbish
Rubbish Robin 

Babytalk

Baby screaming
"Waaaah! Waaaah! Waaaah!"
Meaning "Don't take my toy car!"

Baby wooing
Baby cooing
"I'm interested in what you're doing"

Baby sobbing
Baby yelling
"My wind hurts I'm also smelling!"

Baby bleating
Still unhappy
"Somebody PLEASE - change my nappy!"

Gurgling, giggling
Baby mentions
"I like tickles and attention"

Baby screeching
Hands on tummy
Baby stating "Thirsty! Hungry!"

Baby shrieking
High pitch sounds
"Billy Bear has fallen down!"

Baby bawling, face is red
Baby saying 
"Time for bed"

Can't speak English
Can't yet walk
But babies know their Babytalk

I'm in Love with My Front Lawn

I'm in love with my front lawn
I've had this thing since I was born
Wanna lay on it, play on it, dusk till dawn
I'm in love with my front lawn

Gonna aerate it with a fork
Take turfs out for romantic walks
Let nosey neighbours gossip and talk
I'm in love with my front lawn

I won't let it go to seed
Gonna trim its borders, remove its weeds
Gonna mow it and hoe it then give it grass feed
I'm in love with my front lawn

I've always had unusual urges 
To frolic through fields and view vast verges
When I get these strong emotional surges
I'm in love with my front lawn

I know it's strange to have a crush
On something wild, green, soft and lush
Why would I beat about the bush?
I'm in love with my front lawn

Robot Teacher, 3014

She's a nightmare not a dream
Colder than the coldest ice cream
Rules the class like a tyrannical queen
An automated metal machine
Our robot teacher
Of 3014

A giant computer for a brain
Long iron springs for hair
Laser eyes that burn like fire
Mess around - if you dare! 
You’ll be fried medium rare
Unemotional and mean
Our robot teacher 
Of 3014

We call her Mrs Nutsnbolts
Her skin is silver foil
Her arms and legs are four steel spears 
She don't drink coffee only oil
Full of wires, plugs and coils
And her face is a TV screen
Our robot teacher
Of 3014

As strict as a sergeant major
Handing homework out each night
Runs off the mains and batteries 
Memory? A zillion gigabytes
Her swivel head keeps you in sight
You would wish you'd never met her
Old style teachers are much better
A more terrifying creation will never be seen
Than our robot teacher

Of 3014

Our Teacher is a Caveman

Our teacher is a caveman
With a long black scraggy beard
Although he is our fave man
He's wacky, wild and weird
Has limited vocabulary
Though great at ancient history
He doesn't go past 1 B.C.
Our teacher is a caveman

We call him Mr Ug
He's hairy and he's scary
And he waves a wooden club
He's puzzled by the Internet
He keeps a pterodactyl pet
(That really did confuse the vet)
Our teacher is a caveman

He lives deep in the forest
With his cave wife and cave child
He shows us how to sharpen spears
And how two sticks make fire
Some say his brain is very small
Won't use whiteboards, draws on walls
Come meet the school Neanderthal
Our teacher is a caveman

He loves to watch the Ice Age films
On TV every night
How did he ever get the job?
He cannot read or write
When teaching maths he counts with rocks
He owns a sundial but no clock
Check out his woolly mammoth socks
Our teacher is a caveman

Who cares if he's Palaeolithic?
We all think that he's terrific

Our teacher is a caveman

I Love My Dad's Boots

My Dad's boots are big and brown
My Dad's boots stomp on the ground

My Dad's boots are shiny clean
My Dad's boots are SIZE THIRTEEN

My Dad's boots are strong and tough
My Dad's boots are hard and rough

My Dad's boots have thick black laces
My Dad's boots take him to places

I love my Dad's boots

My Dad's boots are really smart
My Dad's boots are works of art

My Dad's boots built in Beijing
My Dad's boots fit for a king

My Dad's boots glide over mud
My Dad's boots go THUD! THUD! THUD!

My Dad's boots are made of leather
Dad and boots always together

When I'm old Dad I want to
Own a pair of boots like you

I love my Dad's boots 

The After Xmas Poem

You won't regret giving a hundred presents
And winding up cash-strapped

You won't regret purchasing twelve boxes of crackers
Though the jokes and gifts are crap

You can cope with her Maj QE2
Droning on and on in her speech

You can cope with another office party
The fourth you'll have in a week

You won't minding eating till you're stuffed
More than that festive bird

You won't mind singing Old Lang Syne
Though you still won't know the words

You could suffer an umpteenth house invasion
From neighbours, family and friends

You could suffer Santa Claus and carol singers
Driving you round the bend

You will just about tolerate a twenty-third mince pie
And your hangovers WILL get better

But till the day you die
You'll ask “Why oh why...
“Did I buy that bloody awful Christmas sweater?”

A Poem Yoda About

A Jedi Master named Yoda there was
Frustrated with poems got he because
When every time
Reached he the last line
Lost was the rhyme and words he jumbled 

The Medical Room

Damaged superheroes
Mix with injured football stars
Poor Ruth
Lost a tooth
Kyle crashed his imaginary car
(Miss says it won't leave a scar)

Chaos and calamity
Like a night in A&E
Or episodes of Casualty
I'm sure we'll see YOU soon
In the Medical Room

Rick was sick 
On the floor
Priya's pen top stuck in her ear
Bella bumped into a door
An angry wasp stung Robert's rear
Kelly's crying floods of tears
Jojo's in a state of panic
Bitten on the nose by Janet

If your condition gets much worse
Join the queue to meet the nurse
I'm sure we'll see YOU soon
In the Medical Room

Katie's cut's a minor scratch
Ali has a nosebleed
William wants an eye patch
Sonia swallowed hamster feed
Yasmin's yelling, "Plaster cast!"
But makes do with Elastoplast
Tia's bruised toe's turning green
Debbie's such a drama queen - and WOW can she shout and scream!?
It's a mad and manic scene

Walking wounded wait in line
Dying OR simply trying to avoid lesson time?
No need to dial 999
Everyone will be just fine
I'm sure we'll see YOU soon
In the Medical Room

There's a Dead Baked Bean in My Microwave

There's a dead baked bean in my microwave
Playing at hide an seek
He has bits of blue on him
Don't suck or chew on him
He's been lying there for three weeks

There's a dead baked been in my microwave
Squashed and flat out on his back
I'm desperately itching
To lose him from my kitchen
He's far too unfit for a snack

There's a dead baked bean in my microwave
Lurking alone by himself
Haunts me like a ghost
Don't eat him on toast
He's likely to damage your health

There's a dead baked bean in my microwave
Wedged in the crack by the door
He's not a nice fella
He's got salmonella
I've cooked him at least twice before

There's a dead baked bean in my microwave
Congealed in tomato sauce
Fried, frazzled and old he
Is manky and mouldy
My stomach is turning and churning because...

There's a dead baked bean in my microwave
As dead as a dead bean can be
I'm scared to go near him
I secretly fear him
So I'll stick with cheese salad for tea

Karate Chicken

He's Karate Chicken
Does karate chops
Not a typical chicken
From a chicken shop

Wears karate costumes
Flaps his chicken wings
On a mission to destroy
Every KFC

They fried his chicken sisters
Fried his chicken brothers
Fried his chicken father
Fried his chicken mother

He yelled “enough's enough!”
Travelled to Japan
Became a black belt
And a grade 10th Dan

Won Olympic medals
Punches, spins and kicks
Never has a problem
When attracting chicks

Fluffs his chicken feathers
When ready to attack
Crying “chickens unite!
“The Henpire strikes back”

He's a chicken supreme
With his chicken claws
He karates ceilings
He karates doors

He karates windows
With his flashy flicks
Your successful restaurant
Will be piles of bricks

'Cause your days are numbered
Chicken takeaways
With one loud “hiiiiii-yaaaaaa!”
He'll blow you away

He's Karate Chicken
Does karate chops
Not a typical chicken
From a chicken shop

Mr Onomatopoeia

I'm someone you'll want to know
Mr Onomatopoeia 
Helping you spell every sound 
That goes into your ears

Crocodiles I make them SNAP!
Windows I make SMASH!
Bees in spring time I make BUZZ!
Cars I make them CRASH!

I'm Mr Onomatopoeia
The SQUELCH in your wet welly
Though difficult enough to say
It's harder still to spell me

Ghosts and ghouls I make them WOOOOOH!
Balloons I make them POP!
Chattering children I make SHHHHH!
Rain I make DRIP, DROP! PLIP, PLOP!
DRIP, DROP! PLIP, PLOP!
DRIP, DROP! PLIP, PLOP!
Until the storm or shower stops

The loudest neighbour in your street
I cause bombs to BOOM!
Write your noises like you hear them
And you'll top your class real soon

I make angry lions ROAAAAR!
Big Ben I make him BONG!
Fingertips I make them CLICK!
Door bells I make DING DONG!
DING DONG!

I hope you're glad you met me
Mr Onomatopoeia
Helping you spell every sound
That goes into your ears

That goes into your ears
With onomatopoeia

That Won't Cheer Me Up

You could give me warm sloppy cuddly hugs
Buy me Batman duvets with matching rugs
But that won't cheer me up

You could drag me to a restaurant for a slap up feast
Book me four free holidays in the Far East
Pay off the judges so I win X-Factor
Go to a farm and steal me a tractor
But that won't cheer me up

You could suggest a shopping spree in a sweet shop
Or purchase me a pair of Union Jack silk socks
Take me for a drive your Dad's new Lamborghini
Stuff my face full of homemade fettuccine
Allow me to stroke your pet Alsatian
Get rid of our woodlice infestation
But that won't cheer me up

You could let me open Christmas presents in June
Send me on safari to photograph baboons
Tickle me non-stop with a giant goose feather
Guarantee February will bring sunny weather
Offer me a bite of your bacon sandwich
Make me Mayor of the City of Norwich
Treat me to a twenty pound note from your purse
Reassure me things couldn't get much worse
But that won't cheer me up
I'll still be gloomy, grim and grey because...

Tottenham Hotspur lost today

The Naughty Chair

I sat upon the Naughty Chair
Because my teacher sent me there
I screamed my head off, pulled my hair
I grizzled like a grizzly bear
Began to curse, began to swear
“This isn't right, this isn't fair!”
The other children laughed and stared
At me upon the Naughty Chair

I sat upon the naughty seat
Began to bawl, began to bleat
“You're wrong Miss cos I'm innocent
“I never, ever, ever meant
“To stick my thumb up Sophie's nose
“And then to wipe it down her clothes”
I waved my arms, I stamped my feet
When I sat on the naughty seat

I sat upon the naughty stool
I felt embarrassed, looked a fool
For putting salt in teachers' tea
For shouting 'BLAAAAH' in assembly
For sticking chewing gum on doors
For throwing stink bombs on the floor
For burping in the dinner hall
They sat me on the naughty stool

Yes, I sat in that naughty place
Sir yelled “Wipe that smile off your face
“You broke the rules, you take the blame
“Now 'Naughty Neal' is your new name
“Sit silent at the back alone
“More messing 'round you'll be sent home”
So be warned, behave if not BEWARE!
Or you'll end up on that Naughty Chair

Scared of the Dark

You can hear my knees are knocking
You can feel my heartbeat stopping
'Cause I'm scared, I'm so scared of the dark

My hands are hot and sweaty
While my legs wobble like jelly
'Cause I'm scared, I'm so scared of the dark

I'm an adult fully grown up
But don't leave me here alone Mum
'Cause I'm scared, I'm so scared of the dark

Pyjamas on I'm ready
To be cuddling my teddy
'Cause I'm scared, I'm so scared of the dark

Vicious vampires with eyes blood-red
Lurk with werewolves under my bed
'Cause I'm scared, I'm so scared of the dark

See that monster's shadow near me
All is spooky, creepy, eerie
'Cause I'm scared, I'm so scared of the dark

I hide behind my settee

So that yeti will not get me

'Cause I'm scared, I'm so scared of the dark

And that banging in the wardrobe
Makes me slide under my bedclothes
'Cause I'm scared, I'm so scared of the dark

Hold my hand and leave the light on
Late at night when I am frightened
'Cause I'm scared, I'm so scared of the dark

I jump out my socks and shoes too
When the ghosts and ghouls go WOOOOOOOOH...WOOOOOOOOH!
'Cause I'm scared, I'm so scared of the dark

I'm scared, I'm so scared of the dark

Itch

I've got an itch I cannot scratch
Right in the middle of my back
It drives me nuts all day and night
A maddening mosquito bite

I want to shout I want to scream
I want to cover it in cream
I want to slice it with a saw
I want to roll around the floor
I want to stab it with a stick
I want to bash it with a brick

What makes me twist and turn and twitch?
My itch, itch, itch

I cannot see it with my eyes
It can't be reached although I try
I've never had an itch so bad
The worst itch that I've ever had

I want to jab it with a fork
I want to burn it with a torch
I want to poke it with a pen
And afterwards poke it again
I want to freeze it with some ice
I want to cut it with a knife

What makes me twist and turn and twitch?
My itch, itch, itch

I can't sit still I have to move
There's no cure for these itchy blues
Just like a feather down my shirt
I itch so much it almost hurts

I want to prick it with a pin
I want to bung it in a bin
I want to claw it with my nails
I want to banish it to Wales
I want to rub it with a rock
I want to slap it with a sock

What makes me twist and turn and twitch?
My itch, itch, itch

Who'd have thought a tiny tickle
Could get me in such a pickle?

My itch, itch itch

Cool Addiction

My head is stuck inside this book
I only meant to take a look
Till I saw what had been written
Instantly my mind was smitten
In a land of fascination
Sparking my imagination
Passions burning like a flame
Pictures dancing in my brain

My head is stuck inside this book
Just one page was all it took
I was focused and engaged
Thrilled, enthralled and entertained
Title, cover - so inviting
Words speak to me - so exciting
Such adventure, such intrigue
In a world of make believe

My head is stuck inside this book
Superglued, completely hooked
Unaware of all around me
Once this magic story found me
Characters feel like my friends
Plot unfolding till the end
Whether fact or whether fiction
Reading is a cool addiction

Spare Tyre

How did I acquire you?
I didn't steal or hire you
One of Mother Nature's gifts
Attached like glue to my midriff
And though I've got gym memberships
I still can't shift you from my hips
You bust my belts, you zap my zips
There's nothing to admire
About my spare tyre

Sitting on my waist so snugly
Always you embrace and hug me
Stomach isn't happy that
He's hemmed in by your roll of fat
Since you escaped from your car boot
You've permanently taken root
Now women never call me cute
They say they're uninspired
By my spare tyre

You're my piece of middle-aged spread
Composed of biscuits, buns and bread
A doughnut shape of bulging blubber
Bouncing like a rampant rubber
I'm so sorry to berate you
Sorry that I denigrate you
Some day I will amputate you
You tighten my attire
My spare tyre

Could I lose you to liposuction?
Run you off in next year's Marathon?
File you down until you're gone?
Detonate you like a bomb?
Though you're clearly not my mate
Entwined together is our fate
You are my chunk of bulky freight
You left my torso in a state
You made my abdomen inflate
You grow each time I eat a cake
What is the thing that I most hate?
My wobbly extra stone in weight
My spare tyre

Puddles

What can beat the special thrill of jumping into puddles?
It excites me
It delights me
Though it does land me in trouble

I like to get
Others wet
It's great fun bursting bubbles
But what can beat the special thrill of jumping into puddles?

Nothing tops me stamping hard upon on the flooded ground
Then spraying pints of puddle muck everywhere around
Drenching people passing by when they least expect it
Not caring that their happy day is spoilt because I wrecked it

I love the splash
I love the splosh
I love the soggy sounds
Yes, nothing tops me stamping hard upon the flooded ground

Stomping in those pavement pools - it's simply the best
Though water flows through overclothes and to my pants and vest
Bouncing like a kangaroo
Till there's squelching in my shoe
I leap
I dive
I misbehave
I cause a mini tidal wave

Are you feeling sad or down
Gloomy or depressed?
Try stomping in those pavement pools - it's simply the best

Treading in those tiny lakes of rain is really cool
Though I'm 53 I'm not too old to act the fool

So I'll find the most gigantic puddle
That's what I plan to do
Now step aside
Run and hide
Or I'm gonna soak you

And you and you and you and you and you and you and you