Clone of You

I'm gonna create clone of you
A look-alike that's shiny new
Giving me a choice of lovers
Usual You or Mrs Other

If you were worn out or tired
Felt exhausted or expired
Too pooped out to be my mate
I'd wine and dine your duplicate

I'd not need affairs with strangers
While I wooed your doppelganger
With your body and your mind
With your smile and cute behind

With your eyes, your voice, your nose,
Your substitute could share your clothes
Head or tails, would it matter
Once that cloner photostats ya?

If we were to row or fight
WHEN PMT MAKES YOU UPTIGHT!
No problemo - I'd ignore you
While your double stood in for you

If both of you went out with me
(Authentic and facsimile)
People might ask “Who's the phony
“Mimicking your one and only?”

Some could view my impeccable imitation
And scream “Frankenstein mutation!”
But I don't care what critics say
I'll juggle with your genes and play with your DNA
Then concoct a carbon copy
A spitting image
A counterpart
A version two

I'm gonna create a clone of you

Snorzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Nobody snores like you my love
Is that an aeroplane above?
In bed I give you one more shove
Nobody snores like you

Nobody snores like you it’s true
You’re heard in Sweden and Peru
In China, Chad and Norway too
Nobody snores like you

Nobody snores like you my babe
You make me fearful and afraid
I wish you’d stop, how hard I’ve prayed
Nobody snores like you

Nobody snores like you my sweet
Most people are far more discreet
But you just snort between the sheets
Nobody snores like you

Nobody snores like you thank God
That sound you make’s so loud and odd
It keeps me from the Land of Nod
Nobody snores like you

Nobody snores like you my wife
You bring me torture every night
I’ll chop your nose off with a knife
Nobody snores like you

Nobody snores like you my pet
The doctor’s puzzled and the vet
I’ve even taped you on cassette
Nobody snores like you

Nobody snores like you my dear
Your nose vibrates inside my ear
You’d make a t.rex quake in fear
Nobody snores like you

Nobody snores like you of course
You’d frighten a stampeding horse
Why am I filing for divorce?
‘Cause nobody snores like you

Tattoo

If I got a tattoo
It would simply say 'I Love You'
Etched forever on my forehead
In full view

The world would know we were an item
They'd see my face and stare
To read the message in the writing
Screaming out how much I cared

I'm talking commitment
I'm talking permanent
More than a marriage, rings or a holiday
More than a mortgage on a property
And as you have the hots for me
You could have one also
In a pretty private place printed somewhere on your torso

If I got a tattoo
I'd be pleased and proud displaying it
There would be no erasing it
A mini mural of amour
I'd be boasting to my mates with it
Growing old and grey with it
Seeing out my days with it

A heart
An arrow
A flowing typeface of italic
Why should I wait till Feb 14
To be tender and romantic?

It would be an incredible
Indelible
Astounding
Artistic stain
That wouldn't wash off when I washed up
Or rub off in the rain

Endurable
Immutable
Immovable
Everlasting
Perpetual
Perennial
A set-in-concrete casting

I'd do this for you
To show devotion deep and true
So it's such a terrible shame...
That I'm crybaby coward who could never take the pain

I Live in a Bin

I live in a bin
I live in a bin
Feel free to lift the lid, drop rubbish in

I don't care if it reeks
I don't care if it whiffs
I don't care if it pongs
I don't care if it niffs

People say I make them queasy 
'Cause my body odour's cheesy
My skin is rank, my hair is greasy

I live in a bin
A garbage bin
With sacks of stinky socks, potato skins
Broken glass, metal, plastic
Junk is cool
Junk's fantastic
Pour mustard pickle on my head
Along with bits of mouldy bread
Why should I buy a house instead?

I live in a bin
It's where I reside
Though air is clearer on the other side
I savour the sweet stench of pollution
Got a waste problem?
I'm the solution
Does my existence cause you confusion? 

I live in a bin
By your garden gate
Flies and maggots treat me as their mate
I cohabit with a couple of rats
We wine and dine, we chat and chat
While chewing rind and bones and fat
From the meal you had last night 
Washed down with sour Angel Delight
And a half-empty bottle of gin

I live in a bin
Too cold in snow
Too hot in sun
Nevertheless it's fun, fun, fun
Collecting trash by the tonne
I lollop in oil and swim in scum
Why do you think I'm always smelling?
It's 'cause of this bin I have for a dwelling
If you sniffed me it's a sure way of telling

I live in a bin!

I was Scared of Gary Numan

I was scared of Gary Numan
Didn't look or sound quite human
Waxy white face, ice cold stare
I hid behind settees and chairs
When I watched TV and saw Gaz there

I was scared of Gary Numan
Jumped out my skin like a kangaroo, man
I had nightmares week on week
While he conveyed electro chic
A voice like Stephen Hawking-speak

I was scared of Gary Numan
More post-punk popster than rhythm and blues man
On MTV performing 'Cars'
My teenage years forever scarred
Surely he was born on mars?

With Boy George I was chilled and cool
Dave Bowie didn't bother me at all
I wasn't frightened by the antics of Mercury
But THAT ghostly gaze brought out the worst in me

I was scared of Gary Numan
Dressed in black and leather too, man
Was he in the Twilight Saga?
Ghastlier than Lady Gaga
He drove me to drugs and lager

I was scared of Gary Numan
More of a nut-job than a cashew, man
Smiles and laughter he'd avoid
Emotionally unemployed
Probably an android

When they handed out 'weird' he was front of the queue, man
Won't someone tighten his loose screw, man?
He should have been locked up in the zoo, man
A complexion more pasty than PVA glue, man
He could have been an alien from Doctor Who, man
Whenever he came into view, man
I emptied my bowels like a vindaloo man
While YOU listened to his latest LP
I underwent serious therapy
'Cause I was ABSOLUTELY FRIGGING TERRIFIED...

Of Gary Numan

Pillar Box Pete

Pete was eaten by a pillar box
It grabbed him and gobbled him, spat out his socks
He ignored all the warnings or maybe forgot
The dangers of slipping his hand in that slot

Pete's parcel got munched up and crunched up for starters
While he was provided for dinner and afters
Resembling scenes from some horror movie
Poor Pete was converted from human to smoothie

His screams could be heard by shocked passers-by
As Pete became filling for envelope pie
The postman who opened the box was surprised
To find tonnes of slush and mush slopping inside

And how many more people vanish this way?
Who go to post letters then aren't seen again
So stop and consider (with Pete presumed dead)

When you next send a message - try email instead

HOMEWORK!

My teacher makes it clear to me
That if I want GCSEs
In English, Maths, Geography
Biology and History
Then get to university
My timetable won't end at three
But I must beg to disagree
Don't want to do my
HOMEWORK!

Back in my house returned from school
My brain is strained and feeling full
What I face next is harsh and cruel
There's no respite or rest at all
I want to chill out and be cool
Go ride my bike or kick a ball
Why can't I flout one tiny rule?
Don't want to do my
HOMEWORK!

Revision then a practice test
Jam cramming facts I can't digest
I'm losing all my zap and zest
Though Miss tells me that she knows best
I'm well and truly unimpressed
It's like I'm climbing Everest
Why risk a cardiac arrest?
Don't want to do my
HOMEWORK!

I do it when I watch TV
I do it when I eat my tea
I do it surreptitiously
At night in bed when none can see
All work, no play's a recipe
For guaranteeing misery
A ball and chain is tied to me
Don't want to do my
HOMEWORK!

Already I've a bad headache
More studying's too much to take
Forever keeping me awake
This camel's back is bound to break
I'll crumble like a Cadbury Flake
Wish I could stage the great escape
Sir set me free for goodness sake
Don't want to do my
HOMEWORK!

Grandad Drives a Tank

When Grandad picks me up from school
Everyone says “Wow, that's cool!”
On the road he breaks all rules
Grandad drives a tank

He fought in it in World War Two
It flies the flag - red, white and blue
Keep your TARDIS Doctor Who
Grandad drives a tank

He can ride it where he likes
Crushes cars and bashes bikes
Don't make him angry or uptight
Grandad drives a tank

I love to sit inside its cockpit
Give the turret a spin
Shout aloud "Up periscope!"
Bully me you'd never win
Surrounded by this metal skin
I'm a sardine in a mighty tin

At first it seemed quite strange to us
My teacher cried "It's dangerous"
I never catch a train or bus
Grandad drives a tank

Dig them caterpillar tracks
Dig that armour - front, side, back
Careful 'cause he could attack
Grandad drives a tank

He takes it out on shopping runs
Scares the high street with the guns
It's just his way of having fun
Grandad drives a tank

His vehicle choice is unusual
A massive mean machine
It's parked outside his house at night
Camouflaged in brown and green
Right next to his submarine
I can't wait till I'm seventeen
Then I'll drive Grandad's tank

Born a Cartoon

I was born a cartoon
Sitting on a comic page
Feeling cool and colourful
Yet wacky, weird and strange

A 2D animation
From someone's imagination

I was born a cartoon
Within a world so flat
All contained in square frames
And edged in lines of black

It's hard to move
It's hard to think
Until you top me up with ink

A title rests above my head
Adverts to my right
In the panel underneath
More characters in sight

Defying every deadly danger
From cliffhanger to cliffhanger...

If I was born a human
I'd jump out from this strip
Buy a house, find a wife
And travel quite a bit

It's a dream it's my ambition
To be fact instead of fiction

But I was born a cartoon
Check out my mag and read me
My future lies along a path
Down which my writer leads me

I was his creation
He made me an illustration

Sound effects surround me
Baaaang!
Boonngggg!
Cruuuunch!
Craaaack!
Craaaash!
Once I'm read I'm left for dead
And tossed into the trash

Then I rise up from the rubbish
When the next edition's published
Exploration of the Moon
The continuing adventures of this cartoon...

London Bus

I'm a London bus
If you're in a rush
A to B with me's not a fuss, fuss, fuss

Packed with commuters
Tourists and shoppers
I'm a big double decker or a short fat hopper

Red, red, red from head to toe
You'll recognise me wherever I go
Sometimes three of me arrive in a row
Doh!

I'm a London bus
If you're in a rush
A to B with me's not a fuss, fuss, fuss

Put out your hand at the request stop
Squashed down below? There's room on top
Remember: ring my bell when you want to get off

You'll see hundreds of others just like me
We've our very own route identity
My mate's a 48 while I'm a 73
Stoke Newington Common to Victoria Station
If you're feet are aching I'll be your salvation
The best known vehicle of our great nation

I'm a London bus
If you're in a rush
A to B with me's not a fuss, fuss, fuss

Is your Oyster charged?
Is your ticket bought?
If you dodge your fare I hope you are caught

Underground or British Rail? Choose me instead
When the Night Bus comes then I'm off to bed
To the garage to rest my mechanical head

I'm a London bus
If you're in a rush
A to B with me's not a fuss, fuss, fuss

I'm a London bus
If you're in a rush
A to B with me's not a fuss, fuss, fuss

My Mate Gordon

My mate Gordon is a poet
And a decorator
He discusses the delights of Dulux
Like an expert alliterator
Paints pour off his paintbrush
Rhythms roll off his tongue
He’s up the ladder composing sonnets
While standing on the top rung
As comfortable hanging wallpaper
As with personification
And the pun
My mate Gordon

If you need a bit of plastering
He’ll cover up those bricks
While reciting ballads, odes, epitaphs and limericks
He’s a man of many tricks
Combining skills gives him his kicks
Who wrote his last poem on my wall with his stirring sticks?
My mate Gordon

A man of many talents
Who wears two hats
He’ll perform requests like his `Decorators Rap’
For you
Then he’ll varnish the door for you
Then re-concrete the floor for you
Then select a metaphor for you

He’s in London’s Yellow Pages
That run from `A’ to `Zee’
Under D for `Decorator’
And under P for `Poetry’
From Wimbledon to West Ham
From Mill Hill to New Malden
Who you gonna call?
My mate Gordon

His business card confounds and confuses
Mr Taxman wants a word too
His poems are often finished off
With putty, tile adhesive or glue
If you’re looking for a rhymer
Covered in gloss, undercoat and primer
Then go for the guy
Who mixes perfect poetry with dazzling DIY
My mate Gordon’s the one to choose
(And if he doesn’t pick his phone up
Then search the B&Qs)
If you like keeping your favourite films buy a DVD to record on
If you like the look of silicon then get the Sun with Jordan
If you like religion wear a t-shirt with a picture of the Lord on
If you like ignoring fashion trends then go to work with cords on
If you like eating open sandwiches see the menu with smorgasbord on
But if like a poet who can decorate
Then hire
My mate
Gordon

Salt & Vinegar Crisps

Salt & vinegar
Salt & vinegar
Salt & vinegar crisps
For my lunch
Pick of the bunch
Salt & vinegar crisps

Roast chicken
Roast chicken
Roast chicken crisps
You lick your lips
Me I'll stick with
Salt & vinegar crisps

Tomato ketchup
Tomato ketchup
Tomato ketchup crisps
Though I want more
They can't outscore
Salt & vinegar crisps

Smoky bacon
Smoky bacon
Smoky bacon crisps
Taste amazing
Still I'm saying
Salt & vinegar crisps

Cheese & onion
Cheese & onion
Cheese & onion crisps
Crunch them all
But so much cooler
Salt & vinegar crisps

Prawn cocktail
Prawn cocktail
Prawn cocktail crisps
Love to eat them
What will beat them?
Salt & vinegar crisps

Ready salted
Ready salted
Ready salted crisps
Boring! No fun!
Number one are
Salt & vinegar crisps

Salt & vinegar
Salt & vinegar
Salt & vinegar crisps
For my lunch
Pick of the bunch
SALT & VINEGAR CRISPS!

Don't Annoy That Monster

Don't annoy that monster

Don't tickle his big belly
Don't change the channel
When he's watching monster telly

Don't give his tail a tug
Don't steal his pink pyjamas
Don't make him angry
'Cause he's safer when he's calmer

Don't sit on his baseball cap
Don't wake him up at four
Don't bother him during bath times
Don't remind him that he snores

Don't re-tune his radio
Don't drill holes in his pants
Don't fill his welly boots
With thousands of red ants

Don't eat his chocolate cookies
Don't slurp his strawberry shake
Don't poke your head into his mouth
FOR GOODNESS SAKE!

Don't say to him “You're ugly mate”
Don't scribble on his skin
If you're playing him at football
Then it's best to let him win

Don't jab him with a cricket bat
Don't cover him in jam
Don't drop a melon on his foot
Don't Sellotape his hands

Don't snigger at his haircut
Don't smash into his car
'Cause if you do I'm telling you
He might go
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

I Should Have Listened to the Rumours

If I had a musical time machine
I'd travel back to my edge of seventeen
Then take all those childish jibes and jokes back
About how uncool it was to be a fan of Fleetwood Mac

Older and wiser I'd re-live my teenage kicks
Hypnotised by that siren sound: The voice Stevie Nicks
With Lindsey Buckingham, Christine and John McVie, Mick Fleetwood
Why couldn't these ears hear then that you were that good?

Go Your Own Way, Songbird, I Don't Want to Know, You Make Loving Fun, Dreams, The Chain
Oh Daddy, Gold Dust Woman, Second Hand News, Don't Stop
Never Going Back Again

I thought the Clash in '77 made an albatross of you
So when you broke up I didn't mourn the loss of you
But now, like you say, I go my own way
And, 36 years late, I finally bought Rumours...today

If I had a musical time machine
I'd travel back to my edge of seventeen
Then take all those childish jibes and jokes back
About how uncool it was to be a fan of Fleetwood Mac

My Superpower

My mate Max has laser vision
Melting metal with perfect precision
Browning toast
And the Sunday roast
Who has his own show on television?
My mate Max who has laser vision

My cousin Kate can teleport
Changing location with a single thought
In the blink of an eye
England to Dubai 
Who moves from country to country without a passport?
My cousin Kate who can teleport

My buddy Bill can shrink to ant-size
When he does you can never fail to be surprised
Though possessing human strength
At one millimetre in length
Who still has to be wary of hungry flies?
My buddy Bill who can shrink to ant-size

My pal Pete is telekinetic
He can move any object by looking at it
Shifting the fridge
Lifting a bridge
Who do all the girls call totally terrific?
My pal Pete who is telekinetic

My sister Sara can change her shape
Yesterday an octopus, today an ape
Often hard to recognise
The queen of disguise
Who morphs from a camel into a snake?
My sister Sara who can change her shape

But I can't turn invisible, run extra-fast or fly
As a poet I thought “I'm just an ordinary guy”
Then I saw I could inspire
I could engage
I could make people listen, read and turn over a page
Unlock creativity
Spark imagination
Master the skill of communication

So if YOU want a superpower too
Whether you're a girl or guy
Get typing
Get writing
And give poetry a try

Waiting for the Bus

I'm waiting for the bus
Although I'm in a rush
Today's being spent
Stuck like cement
Waiting for the bus

I'm feeling very stressed
Annoyed and quite depressed
I feel my nose 'n
Toes have frozen
Waiting for the bus

I'm growing old and grey
Time slowly ticks away
Moaning, snoring
Very boring
Waiting for the bus

It's number 32
The bus for which I queue
I've stood for hours
Sprung roots like flowers
Waiting for the bus

I'm now extremely late
And in an angry state
Complaining
Great - it's raining!
Waiting for the bus

Perhaps to get ahead
I'll go by train instead
The thing to do?
Catch that choo-choo
Waiting for the train

My Pen

My pen is my pal
My pen is my chum
My pen can write any word under the sun
When we work together it's hours of fun

He touches the paper and ink starts to run
And roll
And flow
Never quite knowing where our poem will go
Them rhythms!
Them rhymes!
I'm tapping my toes...

My pen cost me five pounds
An absolute bargain
When resting he frequently doodles in margins
Or sits in my pocket
Or lies on my desk
Please take back your pencil
My pen is the best
(For a small fee he'll help you in your spelling test)

Blue plastic bottom
Shiny gold top
When we're inspired we're hot, hot, hot
Scribing and scribbling until we drop

My pen is pure power when held in my hand
He looks at the world and he understands
Making you laugh
Making you frown
Making you smile
Bringing you down
Making you happy
Making you cry
Making you sad
Lifting you high
He shares my emotions
My opinions
My voice
If my pen was a car
He'd be a Rolls Royce

Without him I'm silent
With a knot in my tongue
My pen is my pal
My pen is my chum

White Van Man

I'm White Van Man
That's who I am
I'll mend your leaky pipe for a couple of grand
Cash in hand
No V.A.T.
While claiming social security
Avoiding and evading HMRC

I'm White Van Man
Always ready to scam and a
Regular feature on every speed camera
An avid reader of the Sun
Politics to the right of Attila the Hun
You'll recognise me by the exposed crack of my bum

I'm White Van Man
Catch me if you can
Half-eight each day
Stuffing my face at the greasy spoon cafe
Fags and fried breakfasts to survive
Then I'm off again to terrorise the M25
I know how to duck
I know how to dive

I'm White Van Man
Always Dave, Pete, Steve, Bob, Andy or Dan
My business card says builder, roofer, painter, decorator, gardener, plumber
That's my quote
It's not a joke
Or my telephone number
Did you see me on Rogue Traders on TV
Ripping off a vulnerable OAP?
Then stopping work before I start it for yet another cup of tea

I'm White Van Man
Circumventing any traffic jam
Swearing and hollering from my Ford Transit
The most inconsiderate driver on the planet
Best believe the hype
About my stereotype
I'll crash into your car
I'll bash into your bike
Before you can re-arrange the words 'robbery' and 'daylight'
I'll have vanished from sight
I'm a fly-by-night
What am I like?
I'm White Van Man

All I want for Christmas is some Velcro

All I want for Christmas is some Velcro
Not handkerchiefs, chocolate or socks
Why you calling me a freak?
This material's unique
It's the self-adhesive tape that rocks

All I want for Christmas is some Velcro
Wrapped and waiting underneath the tree
It's nice when it's so near to me
But best when it adheres to me
Hope you're heading for the haberdashery

I love to stroke it
I love to stick it
I love to hold it
I love to rip it
I get hours and hours of pleasure
From that special Velcro texture

All I want for Christmas is some Velcro
I don't care if you stuff your turkey roast
Bulging from my Xmas stocking
Hooks and loops all interlocking
It's the present that I'm hoping for the most

All I want for Christmas is some Velcro
It's my only Yuletide request
Add it to your `things to do' list
Heavy duty is the coolest
While I'm having psychological tests

Don't want cement
Don't want UHU
Don't want staples
Don't want Superglue
If you buy me Blu-tack
I'll tell you to take it back

All I want for Christmas is some Velcro
I'm a single-minded son of a gun
What I'm asking might sound drastic
Though when I'm fastening that fabric
My days of zips and buttoning are done

All I want for Christmas is some Velcro
An unusual choice but it's true
I'm gonna write to Santa
While I'm yelling out this mantra
Then I'll Velcro myself to YOU

Join the Queue

Join the impatient queue at the bus stop
Join the clever queue at the book shop
Join the noisy queue for the football game
Join the coughing queue at the chemist to soothe aches and pains
Join the junk-food queue for a cheesy pizza
Chips, Coca Cola and a packet of Maltesers

Join the queue
Join the queue
Join the queue

Join the film-fan queue at the cinema
Join the hopeful Lotto queue - you might be a jackpot winner
Join the rough and tough queue to enlist in the army
Join the long sausage-shaped queue for a slice of salami
Join the excited queue at the zoo
To see the pandas, penguins and cockatoos too

Join the queue
Join the queue
Join the queue

Join the slooooooow Post Office queue to send a package
Join the green grocer's healthy queue for cauliflower and cabbage
Join the optician's short-sighted queue to have an eye test
Join the underwear queue for an M&S string vest
Join the holiday queue at the airport
(So they can check your bags and passport)

Join the queue
Join the queue
Join the queue

If you haven't joined it yet
Join the barking and miaowing queue at the vet* (* and don't forget to take your pet)
Join the posh Royal queue to meet the Queen
Join the mouth-watering queue for free chocolate ice cream
Join the crossed-legged queue to use the loo
And if you want David Beckham's autograph you know what to do

Join the queue
Join the queue
Join the queue

Just be patient take your time
From the back move down the line
It's the proper thing to do
When you have to join a queue

Join the queue
Join the queue
Join the queue