The Vacuum Cleaner's Out of Control

The vacuum cleaner's out of control
It's sucking up stuff like a massive black hole
My new hat, the cat
And some hot sausage rolls
The vacuum cleaner's out of control

The vacuum cleaner's running amok
It's given my Mum a 200-volt shock
Consuming the carpet
And several old socks
The vacuum cleaner's running amok

The vacuum cleaner's going cray-zee
It's gobbling gardens (grass, flowers and trees)
Nan's slippers, cold kippers
And billions of bees
The vacuum cleaner's going cray-zee

The vacuum cleaner's sure to explode
It's lapping up all the white lines in the road
Strange mammals (not camels)
And two tonnes of snow
The vacuum cleaner's sure to explode

The vacuum cleaner's totally wild
It's eaten a teacher and somebody's child
Four fruit flies, five mince pies
Sit in its insides
The vacuum cleaner's totally wild

The vacuum cleaner's out of control
It swallowed a football, preventing a goal
So if it's approaching
You'd better lie low
The vacuum cleaner's out of control
Oh no!
Oh no!
Oh no!
Oh no!
The vacuum cleaner's out of control

The Yak from Iraq

The Yak from Iraq
Owned an elegant shack
With a huge chimney stack
In a posh cul-de-sac

The Yak from Iraq
Always mooed, never quacked
Had a buddy called Zak
Drove a blue Cadillac 

The Yak from Iraq
Wore a pink plastic mac
Plus a pair of silk slacks
Over fur, shaggy black

The Yak from Iraq
Used to sell bric-a-brac
Odds 'n' ends and knick-knacks
That he stored in a sack

The Yak from Iraq
Sitting on the tarmac
Ate a crab for a snack
In a massive flapjack

The Yak from Iraq
Bought his suitcase and packed
Took a train down the track
And he never came back

(That's the last that we saw
Of the Yak from Iraq)

Mud

It's on the floor

It's on the ground

In parks and gardens all around

Crumbly

Bumpy

Cracky

Lumpy

Mud

It's always brown

It's never blue

It may be caked upon your shoe

Stinky

Sticky

Smelly

Icky

Mud

Where does it come from?

I don't know

It was created years ago

Messy

Mucky

Filthy

Yucky

Mud

Containing sticks 

And stones and worms

Don't eat it 'cause it's full of germs

Soaking

Soggy

Rocky

Boggy

Mud

It grows our trees

Our plants and flowers

Keeps naughty kids amused for hours

Sandy

Earthy

Disgusting

Dirty

Mud

It's Pants

The alarm wakes you up at seven o'clock
It's pants
You've lost your key and the front door's locked
It's pants
Your football team is crushed nine-nil
Your toast is burning on the grill
You have to face the dentist's drill
It's pants
It's pants
It's pants

Your little sister is driving you nuts
It's pants
Your mates are laughing at your new haircut
It's pants
You score nought in your spelling test
Miss Stonyface is not impressed
For lunch Mum's cooking watercress
It's pants
It's pants
It's pants

The cat's been sick all over the floor
It's pants
You've accidentally broken the law
It's pants
You have two left shoes but no right
Dad snores so loudly every night
Your TV has been set alight
It's pants
It's pants
It's pants

A jellyfish bites you on the bum
It's pants
You've stood in a pile of chewing gum
It's pants
“You're acting strange” the doctor said
“Your face is purple, peach and red
“And what are you wearing on your head?”
It's pants
It's pants
It's pants

Tom's Aunt is a Hippie

Tom's aunt is a hippie
Into oddball weirdo stuff
Says she wants to change the world through meditation, peace and love
Buying frilly flowery tops
From the local charity shop

Playing her folk music
Always strumming the guitar
Helps the Earth's environment, insisting she'll not own a car
Walks for miles or goes by bike
Digs the hippie way of life

Tom's aunt is a hippie
Choosing sandals or bare feet
States “I'm not a murderer, so won't be eating any meat!”
Total vegetarian
Works as a librarian

Uses words like 'groovy'
'Right on', 'far out man' and 'cool'
Hangs her washing on the line while never wearing clothes at all
Only daisy chains and beads
Dines on beans and pumpkin seeds

Tom's aunt is a hippie
Though she's rather old and grey
Joining druids at Stonehenge you'll hear her howling into space
Herbal tea's the drink she picks
Such a psychedelic chick

Wish I had a hippie aunt
I think that would be great
Even if she lived like it was 1968

Eat a Peanut

Eat a peanut
Eat a peanut
More a bush and less a tree nut
Sometimes salty like the sea nut
Eat a peanut

Eat a peanut
Eat a peanut
It's an oval in a shell nut
So much simpler to spell nut
Eat a peanut

Eat a peanut
Eat a peanut
Not a Q, R, S or T nut
The as happy as can be nut
Eat a peanut

Eat a peanut
Eat a peanut
Which attracts the highest score nut?
Whether roasted or a raw nut
Eat a peanut

Eat a peanut
Eat a peanut
If you're fancying a snack nut
It's the easiest to crack nut
Eat a peanut

Eat a peanut
Eat a peanut
Mix it up with lots of fruit nut
What's the one that monkeys choose nut?
Eat a peanut

Eat a peanut
Eat a peanut
Eat a peanut

Claude le Croissant

Je m'appelle Claude le Croissant
The alternative to bread
Why bore yourself with sandwiches?
Just purchase me instead

Je m'appelle Claude le Croissant
For your breakfast, lunch or tea
My body shape's a crescent moon
Or like the letter 'c'

You can stuff me with a salad
You can eat me with cheese spread
You can sprinkle me with almonds
Then shake sugar on my head
I have travelled here by Eurostar
From somewhere near the Med

Je m'appelle Claude le Croissant
I am neither bun nor cake
Soft and flaky I'm the pastry
That's the tastiest of bakes

Je m'appelle Claude le Croissant
I'm the favoured food of France
Other doughs try to outdo me
But they never stand a chance

You can cover me with butter
You can smother me with jam
You can serve me with a salad
You can fill me up with ham
Your companion from the Continent
Remember who I am

Je m'appelle Claude le Croissant
Star of your patisserie
If you bite me and you like me
Shout out “Oui! Oui! Oui!”

Captain Polystyrene

There's a hero who's unusual
And some say most peculiar
Who's not composed of silver, steel or rock
He looks ready to expire
Melts away in any fire
He's Captain Polystyrene
And he's not much cop

Weedy as a tiny feather
Watch him crumble in bad weather
Never giving people confidence at all
There's nobody who is lighter
There's nobody who is whiter
He's Captain Polystyrene
And he's so uncool

He may break up during battle
Even when in fights with cattle
He is weaker than a milky cup of tea
With a face that's full of pimples
And a body full of dimples
He's Captain Polystyrene
A catastrophe

No-one cares when he's attacking
Once this guy was used in packing
He's constructed from some old leftover scraps
Flexing muscles far too little
He's a polymer who's brittle
He's Captain Polystyrene
Quite a useless chap

Yes he's really unfantastic
Strictly speaking he's a plastic
And his enemy's the fragile Colonel Glass
With frail frames they both are lumbered
I think that their days are numbered
He's Captain Polystyrene
You should call him last 

Odd Socks

Odd socks are all I ever wear
I cannot make a matching pair

Which one vanished in the night?
My sock that's coloured white

Which one got chewed by the cat?
My sock that's coloured black

Which one fell into the sink
My sock that's coloured pink

Which one disappeared from town?
My sock that's coloured brown

Which one did Mum set alight?
My sock with orange stripes

Which one was lost under my bed?
My sock that's coloured red

Which one was advertised and sold?
My sock that's coloured gold

Which one got stuck in the washing machine?
My sock that's coloured green

Which one upped and ran away?
My sock that's coloured grey

Which one was tangled up in knots?
My sock with purple spots

Which one hid inside my shoe?
My sock that's coloured blue

And which one did I have stolen?
My sock that had a big hole in! 

Odd socks are all I ever wear
I cannot make a matching pair

SSSSNAP! Mr Shark

SSSSNAP! 
Mister Shark don't bite my hand!
SSSSNAP! 
Mister Shark don't bite my toes!
SSSSNAP! 
Mister Shark don't bite my ear!
SSSSNAP! 
Mister Shark don't bite my nose!

SSSSNAP! 
Mister Shark don't bite my chest!
SSSSNAP! 
Mister Shark don't bite my cheek!
SSSSNAP! 
Mister Shark don't bite my hair!
SSSSNAP! 
Mister Shark don't bite my feet!

SSSSNAP! 
Mister Shark don't bite my knee!
SSSSNAP! 
Mister Shark don't bite my thumb!
SSSSNAP! 
Mister Shark don't bite my back!
SSSSNAP! 
Mister Shark don't bite my bum!

Mister Shark please don't eat me up!
Mister Shark please keep your jaws shut!
SSSSNAP!

Shine

When there's gleaming in you eye
And a beaming in the sky
When the whole world is fluorescent
With a glow of luminescence
Through the chaos it's the time
For Shine

Light electric that surrounds
Scorching grass upon the ground
Supervillains run for cover
She has brightness like no other
Now it has to be the time
For Shine

As a scintillating jewel
Burning neverending fuel
Is she human is she creature?
Is she more a force of nature?
When there's danger it's the time
For Shine

There's no night there's only day
You'll conceal yourself in shade
Spreading solar radiation
Queen of all illumination
Where there's darkness it's the time
For Shine

Too Many Superheroes

The skies are clogged and crowded
The costume shops sold out
Long underwear's in fashion
Too many superheroes about

Fierce battles raging daily
And fights on every street
Each time I turn a corner
There's another hero to meet

They all have their own fan clubs
They all have their own style
Are beautiful or handsome
And in seconds can run a mile

Their names I mix and muddle
Who's who I never know
I think they'd stretch to Saturn
If laid in line from head to toe

Each one has their own comic
Appears in their own book
Or features in a movie
Super-types wherever I look

The best names have been taken
No powers now are new
But with too many supervillains about also...
We need all those superheroes too

Everyone Loves a Cliffhanger

Will our hero make it just in time
To diffuse a bomb or prevent a crime?
Will he stop that tank
Heading for the bank?
Everyone loves a cliffhanger

Will he save those children in distress?
Will he hold out firm or will he confess?
Will the plot be foiled?
Will he boil in oil?
Everyone loves a cliffhanger

Will he win the war but then lose the girl?
Live a life marooned on a distant world?
Will he slow the truck
Or press 'self-destruct'?
Everyone loves a cliffhanger

Will his secret ID be revealed?
Will nemesis have him cruelly killed?
Will he teleport
Or will he be caught?
Everyone loves a cliffhanger

Will he sink in quicksand like a stone?
Stay stuck in a cell locked away alone?
Will he spring the trap?
Will his frayed rope snap?
Everyone loves a cliffhanger

Will Professor Madd amputate his brain?
Will the antidote help him live again?
Will he break the spell?
I'm not allowed to tell
'Cause Everyone loves a cliffhanger

Born a Cartoon

I was born a cartoon
Sitting on this very page
Feeling colourful and cool
Wacky, weird, extremely strange
I'm a 2D animation
From someone's imagination

It's an odd existence
Living in a world that's flat
With my home inside a frame
That's edged in white or black
Still I'm starring in this feature
Though I'm only just a picture

Titles rest above me
And an advert to my right
While in panels underneath
You'll find me in a fight
As a hero I'm no stranger
When it comes to facing danger

If I was a human
I'd jump from this comic strip
Buy a house and meet a wife
Then travel quite a bit
It's a dream it's my ambition
To be fact instead of fiction

But I remain a cartoon
Grab my mag and have a read
I will follow from behind
And let my artist lead
I am his unique creation
He made me an illustration

Now my story's ended
Please don't throw me in your bin
Store me somewhere safe and sound
So we can meet again
Or perhaps if you prefer to
Why not purchase next month's issue?

Terrific Tot

He's a hero in a nappy
But don't let that put you off
He can tackle twenty rhinos
He can handle rough and tough
Though he nearly is a new born
And still peeing in a pot
He's the baby
Who can save me
Shout his name
“Terrific Tot!”

Special milk gives him his power
Special biscuits give him speed
Holds his rattle during battle
Always back for his next feed
Though he goo-goos and he gaa-gaas
And his nose is dripping snot
He's the one
The needy run to
Shout his name
“Terrific Tot!”

Spot him in his bib of spandex
Matching mittens on his hands
Grabbing kids from burning buildings
Crushing evil where it stands
Though he's tiny, sometimes whiny
And spends nighttimes in a cot
He a cutie
Dressed in booties
Shout his name
“Terrific Tot!”

He's attending kindergarten
Missing lessons to fight crime
While he's cuddling his teddy
Ending evil every time
Though he's sucking on his dummy
And his mum still wipes his bot
He's the best to
Stage a rescue
Shout his name
“Terrific Tot!”

Onomatoheroes

Boooooom!
Solar Soldier tackles monster hoards upon the moon
Thumpppppp!
Mister Mighty Muscles saves a town from Deadly Doom
Woooooosh!
Purple Pigeon's soaring swiftly into darkened skies
Zzzzzzip!
Sister Speed sprints to the rescue
Did you see her gliding by?

Craaaaaack!
Now the Red Volcano wants to get in on the act
Baaaaang!
Mistress Universe destroys an alien attack
Boiiiiiing!
Catapult fights robber gangs who plan a cunning raid
Splaaaaaat!
Orange Master catches crooks
With radioactive marmalade
 
Thwipppppp!
Wild Witch ties up two bad guys with her gold lasso
Hiyaaaaaah!
Watch Karate Chicken wield his wacky, weird kung fu
Powwwwww!
Lady Lionheart defeats a villain with one punch
Brrrrrr!
Ice Cold Kid has vowed to save all humankind
In time for lunch

Here come the superheroes, so cover up your ears
Battling their enemies with onomatopoeia!

Professor Bad

About a superhero born with an unfortunate last name!

I'm Professor Bad
But I'm actually good
A superhero misunderstood
Not a Sheriff of Nottingham
More a Robin Hood

Proving you can't tell a book by its cover
If I could pick a surname
I'd choose any other
This mess is the fault of my father and mother
Really, I'm not bad at all

I help young children cross busy streets
I always offer old ladies my seat
The nicest person you ever could meet
Though as I fight for freedom in the universe
My negative title weighs me down like a curse 

Why isn't there a halo above me
As people out there clearly love me?
Honestly, I'm not bad at all

Yet I'm stuck with this problem
For the rest of my life
Mrs Bad is too
(Yes, she's my wife)
Nobody I rescue is ever impressed
To see the word 'Bad' 
Written on my chest
I'd even take a lie detector test
To show you I'm not bad at all

So don't say to me
“What's in a name?”
I'd reply
“A great deal in this superhero game”
I repeat it again and again and again
Why can't you cement it into your brain?
That villains and me are not the same
I'm Professor Bad
Kind, considerate, cool
If you think me evil
Then you've been fooled
It's safe to let me into your home or school
Because I'm good not bad at all

Bounce

There's a man you can message
If you're ever in trouble
Body shape of a football
Or a massive soap bubble

Wears a costume of plastic
And a skin made of rubber
What a strange superhero
So unlike any other

He can bounce on the pavement
He can bounce off big buildings
He can bounce 'cross the ocean
He can splat supervillains

He can bounce over rooftops
He can bounce 'cross the blue sky
He can bounce along train tracks
He can flatten the bad guys

Such a cool Humpty Dumpty
With a trampoline tummy
Not a one you should mess with
Kangaroo mixed with bunny

Some have tried hard to burst him
Some have tried hard to pop him
But once Bounce starts his bouncing
There's no way they can stop him

Nosepicker

There's a nosepicker in my class
I think we all know who
And poking fingers up his nose
Is all he wants to do

He nosepicks at assembly
He nosepicks during break
He nosepicks in our lesson time
Till Miss yells "Stop, for goodness sake!"

There's a nosepicker in my class
Renowned throughout the school
His digits wriggle in the holes
His nostrils ever full

He nosepicks while we register
He nosepicks in P.E.
He nosepicks watching football games
And reading in the library

There's a nosepicker in my class
He's at it yet again
If he can't kick his habit soon
He'll bore into his brain

He nosepicks as he's shopping
He nosepicks down his street
He nosepicks when he's hungry
And he's fancying a snack to eat
 
There's a nosepicker in my class
I think we all know who
So careful where you're sitting
'Cause he may sit next to you...

Somebody Stole My Powers

What would it be like if somebody stole YOUR super powers?

My lasers won't burn and my muscles won't lift
I cannot fly high or punch with a fist
As a superhero I no longer exist
I'm a glass of milk gone sour
Since somebody stole my powers

I can't move fast 'cause my legs won't run
I'm missing the plug from my water gun
From a perfect ten I'm down to a one
The villains all laugh not cower
Since somebody stole my powers

I was king of the world till disaster struck
Now I can't pick up a toy pick-up truck
I swim and get overtaken by ducks
I'm weedier than a dead flower
Since somebody stole my powers

I can't teleport through the thinnest wall
With no strength to burst a small plastic ball
I was beaten up in a nursery school
I wobble like a crumbling tower
Since somebody stole my powers

My skin is pierced by the bluntest pin
When I battle bad guys there's no way to win
So you might as well throw me in your bin
I'm not the hero of the hour
Since somebody stole my powers