Underneath the Mask

So what goes through a superheroes' mind when he/she is not superheroing?

Underneath the mask
I'm a regular guy
Underneath the mask
I'm quiet and shy
Underneath the mask
I'm human too
Underneath the mask
I'm just like you

I've a life that's ordinary
I go shopping and watch telly

Underneath the mask
I'm much more humble
Underneath the mask
I'm vulnerable
Underneath the mask
I'm not well known
Underneath the mask
I'm all alone

I get nervous when I'm flying
When I fight I'm scared of dying

Underneath the mask
I'm not so strong
Underneath the mask
My powers have gone
Underneath the mask
Is a different man
Underneath the mask
Who I really am

Nobody will recognise me
Hidden by my secret ID
There's no superhero to see
Underneath the mask

Night

She is black
She is dark
She is awesome
She is stark

She'll dance with you, confound you
She will wrap her arms around you

She is brave
She is bold
She is magic
She is cold

She'll mesmerise, control you
Steal your mind and take your soul too

She is grim
She is grey
She's the opposite of Day

Is she hero?
Is she villain?
There's no simple way of telling
As she vanishes by light
She is Night

Here Come's Sister Speed!

Faster than a flash
She's a raging rocket
She's a white hot wire
An electric socket
She's a lightning bolt
She's a rampant cheetah
Plot and plan a crime
And she will defeat you

Whizzing to the rescue
In your hour of need
Here comes Sister Speed!

Racing down the road
Tearing through the traffic
Sweeping to the scene
When you're in a panic
She's a whirring blur
Breaking all speed limits
100 metre gold
Guaranteed to win it

Zipping to the rescue
In your hour of need
Here comes Sister Speed!

There is no stopwatch
Quick enough to time her
When her molten core's
Welling up inside her
See that shooting star?
It can never match her
Want her autograph?
Then you'll have to catch her

Zooming to the rescue
In your hour of need
Here comes Sister Speed!

Super Senior

His hair is grey and every day
A little more strength slips away
He's not so brave, he's not so bold
This superhero's rather old

He isn't in a healthy state
Now way beyond his sell-by date
His muscles sag, his body's thin
No villain's ever scared of him

His x-ray vision's not too good
He finds it hard to see through wood
His laser eyes are just a spark
That flicker dimly in the dark

To keep fit he might take a jog
Or choose to walk his ageing dog
'Cause pumping iron at the gym
Is far too strenuous for him

His super costume’s frayed and worn
He wears it when he mows the lawn
For gardening takes up his time
Defeating weeds instead of crime

And if the weather’s warm and dry
He zooms about up in the sky
A crowd will shout from on the ground
"How does that bloke still fly around?"

So though his younger days have gone
This pensioner fights on and on
Insisting that he is the best
To help you if you’re in distress

One

One is single
On it's own
One is separate
All alone
Solo
'Un' in French
In Spanish, 'uno'

One has no partner
One has no pair
One needs no sofa
Only a chair
One is good at solitaire

One may be me
One may be you
But one is definitely not two
One might feel isolated
Sometimes lonely or frustrated

One next to one reads as eleven
1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 = 7
One stands proud as a number
Shaped like a dead straight cucumber  

One is not even
One is odd
One is a sole pea in a pod
One is detached
One is unique
One may be labelled a bit of a freak

One doesn't ride a tandem
One rides a bike
One is independent and does what one likes
One is high performing, top of the charts
You are my special one who's captured my heart

One is sometimes sad
One is frequently fun
So don't take it away
Because then...
There'll be none 

Gadget Man

I've got gadgets that will help you climb and drill into brick walls
I've got gadgets that will do things that you thought impossible

I've got gadgets that will help you run as quick as you can blink
I've got gadgets to enlarge you and to also help you shrink

I've got gadgets that will help you breathe in deepest darkest space
I've got gadgets that will help you change your accent and your face

I've got gadgets that will help your fingers fire flaming sparks
I've got gadgets that will help you see broad daylight in the dark

I've got gadgets that will help you turn into a telepath
I've got gadgets that will help you be a genius at maths

I've got gadgets made with lasers and the latest in high-tech
I've got gadgets wired to gadgets no-one has invented yet

Want to beat that supervillain? Then include me in your plans
Book yourself the next appointment - come and meet the Gadget Man

The Poet Tree

In my garden grows a Poet Tree

With gazillions of poems for everybody

Rhythms roll down from its branches to its roots

Do you want inspiration?

Come pick yourself some fruit

Some poems are short

Some poems are long

Some rhyme, some don't

Some sound like a song

Some make you sad

Some make you smile

Some make you...

STOP!

...and think for a while

Some are new

Some you've heard

Some contain made up magical words

Think of a theme

A title

A topic

You can bet my Poet Tree's got it

Glasses, moustaches, clocks, caterpillars

Cucumbers, odd numbers, chocolate, chinchillas

Daft dogs, fat frogs, kisses, kings, castles

Lampposts, burnt toast, postmen with parcels

Computers, peashooters, favourite places

Fairies, football, figs, fish, films, funny faces

Comics, electronics, sticky tape, street signs

Big balloons, blue baboons, silver, socks, sunshine

In my garden grows a Poet Tree

With gazillions of poems for everybody

Rhythms roll down from its branches to its roots

Do you want inspiration?

Come pick yourself some fruit

Brainfreeeeeeeeze!

Your noggin's been hit by a runaway train
Your eyes both water and you're in great pain
You're an ice cream addict but you must complain
Turn the heating up please
It's brainfreeeeeeeeze!

Though you've only put two scoops in your bowl
There's a hammering hard inside your skull
Yet you torture yourself with this huge own goal
Every doctor agrees
It's brainfreeeeeeeeze!

As another ice age forms in your head
You ignore all the signs that were flashing red
You refuse to play safe eating cake instead
Weak wobbly knees
It's brainfreeeeeeeeze!

Many times more nasty than a dentist's drill
Such a cold sugar rush giving you a big thrill
Even on summer days you will shiver and chill
Worse than smelly blue cheese
Minus forty degrees
It's a subacrtic breeze
Makes a polar bear sneeze
Ben and Jerry's disease  
It's brainfreeeeeeeeze!

The Last Telephone Box

 Set in the future when there are even fewer public telephone boxes than those remaining now. This could cause big problems for those who changed into their costumes in them many superhero years ago

You've vanished from our cities
And disappeared from towns
So where's a hero s'posed to change
When trouble's going down?

I used to use you daily
Strip off my outer clothes
To then reveal the costume
That all fans of mine will know

I loved your cuboid structure
Your squarish shiny glass
Now I undress in alleyways
Or find an underpass

There were so many of you
In high streets and in malls
You kept my secret ID safe
While I put crooks in jails

I know progress must happen
We have to turn that page
But when the mobile phone was born
It killed your Golden Age

Though I'm a man who's super
Unhurt by guns or rocks
My heart inside felt heavy pain
As they removed...the last telephone box

Cape & Tights & Pants (or how to become a superhero)

If your life adds up to zero
Cape & tights & pants
Why not be a superhero?
Cape & tights & pants

Grab yourself a special power
Cape & tights & pants
Save the planet every hour
Cape & tights & pants

Flying lessons - have to take them
Cape & tights & pants
Mega muscles - have to make them
Cape & tights & pants

Pick yourself a secret ID
Cape & tights & pants
Be a cop or run a library
Cape & tights & pants

Find yourself a supervillain
Cape & tights & pants
Always beat them, never kill them
Cape & tights & pants

Sound effects are very useful
Cape & tights & pants
Bash, crash, smash, bang, whack and splat too
Cape & tights & pants

Buy your clothes from Costume Central
Cape & tights & pants
Which bits are the most essential?
Cape & tights & pants

Say which bits are the most essential?
Cape & tights & pants
Cape & tights & pants
Cape & tights & pants

Mega Slug

When I was bitten by a radioactive slug
I thought I'd become a superhero
Though I'm not the type to give villains a fright
'Cause am I the one who they would fear? No!

If there's a bank job in the town today
I'll arrive at the scene next week
Slowly I'll slide after robbers and crooks
Who've long since escaped down the street

Super-costumes I've worn - they never fit me
I'm such a short cylindrical shape
This secondhand one I wear is too long
Presented to me by Super Snake

At fighting I'll never make Heavyweight Champ
With no fists for a knockout punch
So while I should be bashing them baddies
I might be chewing through your salad lunch

But if you're an evil sort I'll do my best
To tackle you and then beat you
'If you can't face my slime then don't do the crime'
Will be my battlecry as I defeat you!

Air Guitar Star

I'm an air guitar star
Never strummed a Stratocaster
Notes and chords just complicate things
I've no need for amplifiers
Fingers and imagination
Might make me a rock sensation

I'm an air guitar star
Never hired a van or roadie
I don't need a vehicle matey
Walk to gigs or bus it only
I do dancing and lip-synching
Lots of drugs and lots of drinking

I'm an air guitar star
Never been in Iron Maiden
Zeppelin, Sabbath, Guns and Roses
All their solos I have played them
Why'd I pick this weird vocation?
I've no music education 

I'm an air guitar star
Never seen some groupie action
Haven't owned a single plectrum
Instruments are a distraction
Don't do records, don't do sports cars
Poor man's Hendrix - air guitar star
  

I Found the Loch Ness Monster

I Found the Loch Ness Monster

I found the Loch Ness Monster
Splishing, splashing in my bath
With a Scottish accent
Woolly hat and tartan scarf
Left his chilly Highland home
Swam to London on his own

I found the Loch Ness Monster
I felt shocked, amazed and thrilled
First he stretched then craned his neck
And greeted me "Hi Neal!"
There could be no room for doubt
Nessie nestled in my house

I found the Loch Ness Monster
He gave me a massive fright
Wasn't sure if he was friendly
Or if he would bite
Never met his kind before
Cousin to a dinosaur?

I found the Loch Ness Monster
Born in prehistoric times
Flappy fins, four longish limbs
And spikes right down his spine
He said "I'll not eat a horse
"Feed me haggis with brown sauce"

I found the Loch Ness Monster
So I took him into school
Children wanted photographs
Then cried "He's really cool!"
Teacher shouted "Goodness sake!
"He's that creature from the lake!"

Though this poem's ending here I think you get the gist
The Loch Ness Monster's not a myth - he definitely exists!

The Supervillain's View

Life's not easy being a supervillain
Forever misunderstood
Beaten and bashed
Trounced and trashed
By those wretched superheroes who prefer to do good

Why can't they let me get the girl?
Why can't they let me conquer the world?
I might make it a far better place
Mind-controlling the whole human race
If only they'd give me a chance...

The media too are constantly on my back
Saying it's my fault for each random attack
Or bomb disappearing from a military base
Or alien invasion from outer space

When the ozone layer had a hole in
When the Bank of England's cash was stolen
They wanted a scapegoat so they blamed me
They wanted a fall guy so they named me
Life's not easy being a supervillain

Why can't I star in my own monthly comic
Featuring my adventures with my logo on it?
You'd read about the dastardly deeds I've done
Like when I syphoned the heat from the sun
Or when I built a gigantic glue gun
Being evil should be much more fun!

My expensive costume
Gets torn and tattered
Each week my body  
Gets bruised and battered
My secret identity
Has been revealed
My invisible hideout
Is no longer concealed

I had a difficult childhood you see
But I'm not looking for sympathy
As defeat follows defeat
And my patience wears thin
Is there any way
If just for one day
That you could allow me to win?
'Cause life's not easy being a supervillain

Micro-Girl

She's Micro-Girl
Smaller than an ant
You try and find her but I bet you can't
She soars through the skyways
On silky wings
Zapping supervillains
With sonic stings
Electric blue cape
Titanium suit
Don't underestimate her because she's cute

She's Micro-Girl
Like a tiny spot
Concealing herself beneath a full-stop
To her they're 'green boulders'
To us they're 'peas'
To her they're 'huge monsters'
To us they're 'fleas'
Though minuscule
She's extremely strong
With a single punch she can topple King Kong

She's Micro-Girl
Just a teeny spec
The coolest creation you've ever met
When behind a breadcrumb
She's out of sight
When next to an atom
She's still a mite
Who's saving the day
And giving us hope?
The mini heroine from the microscope

Mr Shoutyteacher

There's a thunder in the playground
A tremor down the corridor
An earthquake in the classroom
Much louder than a lion's roar

What is that row we're hearing
That makes our eardrums pop?
It's Mr Shoutyteacher
Ever getting in a strop

Veins are bulging from his head
Like a wild bull seeing red

There's a din down in the dinner hall
Explosions in the staffroom
A yelling in assembly
More noisy than a sonic boom

The words: “BOY – DON'T YOU DARE DO THAT!”
Are bashing round my brain
It's Mr Shoutyteacher
On the warpath once again

Cheeks puff like a pufferfish
Why can't he be calm as Miss?

There's a ruckus in reception
A screeching in the library
When the windows crack and smash
We all know what the cause will be

But there's something Mr Shoutyteacher
You've yet to find out
To keep us kids in order Sir
You do not need to SHOUT!

Dad's Fallen in Love with the Sat Nav

Dad's fallen in love with the sat nav
That lady who helps drive our car
Her robotic voice
Is his preferred choice
So he's moved in to live with her in our garage

I don't understand the attraction
She's only a piece of IT
Yet they chat, chat and chat
About roads, routes and maps
And the best way to navigate from A to B

Dad's fallen in love with the sat nav
Mum told him “You choose me or her!”
'Cause together they journey
To Brighton and Burnley
Stoke, Harrow, South Croydon and Edinburgh 

He's like a small child with a puppy
He'll gaze and he'll gawp at her screen
It's weird and it's odd see
As she has no body
Dad says she's the cutest sat nav that he's seen

Dad's fallen in love with the sat nav
My friends laugh aloud in my face
They say he's a nutter
To date a computer
Still wherever he travels he finds the right place

He switches her on in the morning
Unplugs her each time that they part
We want our Dad back
But there's no chance of that
For that sat nav has hooked him and stolen his heart

Dad's fallen in love with the sat nav

Here Comes the Wind

I'm banging on your door
And moving stuff across the floor
Just like an angry child
Who's acting crazy, running wild
So howly
So growly
Here comes the wind
Whoooooosh

You can't see me at all
While smashing on your garden wall
Or zooming through the air
I'll lift that table, shift that chair
So busy
So dizzy
Here comes the wind
Whoooooooooooosh

I get your washing dry
Then toss it high into the sky
Sometimes I bring the rain
Then make your washing wet again
So bashy
So crashy
Here comes the wind
Whoooooooooooooooooosh

In autumn I'm the breeze
Who blows the leaves from many trees
You know when I'm about
You hear me scream and wail and shout
So fizzy
So whizzy
Here comes the wind
Whoooooooooooooooooooooooosh

Inside the haunted house
I'll scare you as I rush around
I rant and rage and roar
And dash down darkened corridors
So swirly
So whirly
Here comes the wind
Whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooosh

Life is Better with a Cake

The title quotes the new Mr Kipling cakes' slogan and the idea for the poem was inspired by my cakeaholic friend, Adele.

Life is better with a cake
You can't beat a sticky bun
Danish pastry, Black Forest gateau
Battenberg, Victoria sponge
Choose a food that's fun, fun, fun
Mix flour, egg, sugar, butter etcetera
What's it going to make?
That tantalising treasure
That gorgeous guilty pleasure
Life is better with a cake

Chocolate eclair, treacle tart
Fudge brownie, apple strudel
Where to start?
Indulge your cup of tea or coffee
With a wedge of fresh banoffee
Sprinkled with crushed almond flakes
A double-sized slice
Is twice as nice
Life is better with a cake

I hang around the bakery
I lurk in the patisserie
No longer counting calories
There's only one dessert for me
Dripping raspberry sauce
Oozing jam and double cream
Packaged like a perfect dream
Madeira, red velvet, New York cheese
Tiramisu, Swiss roll, Dundee
Yes please!
While you go weak at the knees you know
That comfy, warm internal glow
Life is better with a cake

So when everything stops
At eleven o'clock
Celebrate today with a cherry on top
No need to slobber for a steak
For your satisfaction's sake
Brighten up your morning break
By eating as much of that sweet stuff
As your appetite can take
Life is better with a cake

I Lost My Shadow

I lost my shadow

Now want him back

So tall and thin and grey and black

He has my shape

Shares my outline

If you spot him you'll know he's mine

He moves like me

Does what I do

With his feet fastened to my shoes

A mime artist

Who makes no sound

Stuck on a wall or on the ground

He follows me

Each night and day

But never has he run away

I'm half the man

I used to be

Since shadow disappeared last week

My mirror mate

My copycat

I lost my shadow now want him back!