Hide-and-Hippo

May 04, 2017 by Neal zetter

You can't hide a hippo in a custard pie
You can't hide a hippo in a cloudless sky
You can't hide a hippo in a pot of glue
You can't hide a hippo in a training shoe
You can't hide a hippo in a garden hedge
You can't hide a hippo on a window ledge

You can't hide a hippo if you paint it green
You can't hide a hippo on a submarine
You can't hide a hippo in a pile of peas
You can't hide a hippo on a high trapeze
'Cause hippos are huge not skinny and sleek
So totally rubbish at hide-and-seek

Gobbledegook

April 29, 2017 by Neal zetter

A man's on TV
Talking gobbledegook
He don't impress me
Talking gobbledegook
He's waving his hands
Talking gobbledegook
I don't understand
Talking gobbledegook

He promises this
Talking gobbledegook
He promises that
Talking gobbledegook
He's shouting aloud
Talking gobbledegook
Addressing a crowd
Talking gobbledegook

He speaks to the press
Talking gobbledegook
He says he's the best
Talking gobbledegook
I've heard it before
Talking gobbledegook
I think he's a bore
Talking gobbledegook

He offers new hope
Talking gobbledegook
He's after our vote
Talking gobbledegook
And my decision?
Talking gobbledegook
No more politicians!
Talking gobbledegook
Talking gobbledegook
Talking gobbledegook

Circle

April 24, 2017 by Neal zetter

I'm a circle
I spin round
Like a wheel across the ground
Got no corners
Got no points
Got no edges
Got no joints

Neither triangle
Nor square
You'll find my shape everywhere
On a record
On a cake
On a saucer
On a plate

I'm a sphere
When in 3D
Draw a letter O - that's me
As a counter
As a clock
As a zero
As a watch

I'm a disc
So I can roll
Like a ball that scores a goal
I'm a penny
I'm a hoop
I'm a planet
I'm a loop

I'm a circle
You can see
I have perfect symmetry
I've no bottom
I've no top
I make endings
With full stops.

Bake Off

April 14, 2017 by Neal zetter

She really took the biscuit
She was a cracker
So life was sweet
Sugar-coated
And she was the cherry on top

As our relationship developed
She said that my commitment was wafer-thin
I couldn't separate the wheat from the chaff
And I had my fingers in too many pies
Till they got burnt

Caught with my hand in the cookie jar
And worse
A bun in the oven
I was sandwiched
In fact I was toast!

On leaving she yelled “You can't have your cake and eat it!”
I guess I never knew which side my bread was buttered on...

Chicken in the Kitchen

April 12, 2017 by Neal zetter

There's a chicken in the kitchen
There's a bat on my hat
There's a bee in my tea
There's a flea on the cat

There's a gibbon in the garage
There's a possum in the park
There's a crab in the lab
There's a moose marooned on Sark

There's a frog on a log
(With a hog and dog)
There's a rhino on the lino
There's a badger in a bog

There's a prawn on the lawn
There's a caiman in a cake
There's a hamster in my hair
There's a lizard in the lake

There's a turkey in the toilet
There's a heron in the hall
But where's the dodo gone to
'Cause I can't find him at all?

Matter and Antimatter

April 07, 2017 by Neal zetter

(Any sci-fi movie fan will know that mixing these two things will cause the end of the universe - legend has it!)

Mixing matter with antimatter
It isn't very bright
The galaxy will be destroyed
The sun will lose its light
Don't play with scientific stuff
That you don't understand
If you mix matter with antimatter
Things will get out of hand

Mixing matter with antimatter
Is dangerous and rash
The cosmos will disintegrate
In one almighty flash
It's something Albert Einstein said
While working in his lab
If you mix matter with antimatter
It's bound to turn out bad

Mixing matter with antimatter
Would be a huge mistake
A big black hole would swallow us
Just like you'd eat a cake
As Stephen Hawking warned us all
When talking to the press
If you mix matter with antimatter
You'll make a massive mess

Mixing matter with antimatter
Is reckless and unwise
You'll cause a cataclysm
In which everybody fries
I've seen it in the movies
And it's not good news my friend
If you mix matter with antimatter
Our universe will end...
BOOM!

Magic Rubber

April 07, 2017 by Neal zetter

If I had a magic rubber
I'd rub out fighting and war
And matches that my football team loses (or draws)
I'd rub out horrible diseases
Tornadoes
Volcanoes
Thunder and lightning
Scary stuff that's way too frightening

I'd rub out poverty, starvation
Accidents and disasters
Boring supermarket shopping
Strict nasty headmasters
7 a.m. alarm clocks ringing
Stinging nettles stinging
My Dad in the shower - when he's singing

Bullies would be high on my hit list
Homework too
I'd rub out the cages in the zoo
Till the animals were free
Muggers and robbers
Boiled cabbage and mushy peas

People's broken hearts
My little brother's stinky farts
Whatever makes me stressed
Difficult spelling tests
And all the grey clouds in the sky till only blue was left
I'd even rub out death

Toothaches
Earthquakes
Whoever scoffed my last Easter egg
Anything that hurts
Rudeness
Annoying TV adverts
Buses and trains that never come
Long division and multiplication sums
Moments of madness
Teardrops of sadness
I'd erase the whole lot

And when everything was absolutely perfect in this world...
I'd rub out my magic rubber as well

The Worst Poem Ever

April 03, 2017 by Neal zetter

Welcome to the worst poem that you've ever read
It should have been a masterpiece but I wrote this instead
The speling's truely awful
The simple rhythm's dull
The grammar's bad and it don't use no imagery at all

My friends who say it's brilliant are just being polite
My critics say it's dreadful and I'll admit they're right
It hasn't any subject
It hasn't any theme
And some of the lines don't rhyme either

I urge you to ignore it, it's nowhere near my best
The next poem I'm producing will make you more impressed
With what word can I end it?
I haven't got a clue
So I'm putting my pen down to leave that task to...

Ratcatcher

March 29, 2017 by Neal zetter

He's a pest controller
He's a vermin snatcher
He's a rodent hunter
He's the mean Ratcatcher

First he lays out the trap
Then he puts down the bait
Hides away in the dark
And he waits and he waits

Poison packed in his bag
Netting held in his hand
Hopes to catch every rat
That's infesting our land

Drives his Ratcatcher van
Painted grey, white and black
With his Ratcatcher name
On the sides and the back

He finds rats in the drains
He finds rats under floors
During days hears them squeak
During nights hears them gnaw

Doesn't care for his prey
Says that rats spread disease
For they once caused the plague
With their germs and their fleas

Is he good is he bad?
Is he cure or a curse?
If you ask any rats
They'll reply “He's the worst!”

So if you see a rat
Running fast through your town
Do not stress, do not fear
You know who's coming round

He's a pest controller
He's a vermin snatcher
He's a rodent hunter
He's the mean Ratcatcher

I'm Not Too Old to Own a Teddy Bear

March 27, 2017 by Neal zetter

I may be too old to learn my ABC
I may be too old to watch kids' TV
I may be too old to eat in a high chair
But I'm not too old to own a teddy bear

I may be too old to swim in paddling pools
I may be too old to go to primary school
I may be too old to have a full head of hair
But I'm not too old to own a teddy bear

I may be too old to ride roller skates
I may be too old for candles on my cake
I may be too old for dodgems at the fair
But I'm not too old to own a teddy bear

I may be too old to play a game of snap
I may be too old to try to rap, rap, rap
Sucking my thumb's now extremely rare
But I'm not too old to own a teddy bear

I may be too old to blow bubblegum
I may be too old for a smack on the bum
Alone in the dark I'm too old to be scared
But I'm not too old to own a teddy bear

I may be too old for fish fingers with chips
I may be too old for buying sherbet dips
You can say I look stupid but I just don't care
'Cause I'm not too old to own a teddy bear

Hiiiii-ku!

March 24, 2017 by Neal zetter

Hiiiii-ya! Chop! Hiiiii-ya!
Hiiiii-ya! Chop! Hiiiii-ya! Hiiiii-ya!
I'm a kung fu star!

Martian Kids

March 19, 2017 by Neal zetter

Martian kids
Oh so cool
Martian kids
Five feet tall

Martian kids
Got two heads
Martian kids
Got three legs

Martian kids
Dress real weird
Martian kids
Grow long beards

Martian kids
Mauve and blue
Martian kids
Have tattoos

Martian kids
Use jet packs
Martian kids
Eat ear wax

Martian kids
Breathe green gas
Martian kids
All hate maths

Martian kids
Play with rocks
Martian kids
Chew their socks

Martian kids
Hide in caves
Martian kids
Misbehave

Martian kids
From the stars
Martian kids
Come from Mars

I'm a Skunk

March 12, 2017 by Neal zetter

My fur's black and white and fluffy
And my tail is long and bushy