The Seriously Scary Poem

This poem is deadly

Dark, horrible, heavy

Grey, grisly, gruesome and grim

It's frighteningly fearful

Could leave you quite tearful

It does what it says on the tin


This poem's doom-laden

Don't read it to children

Or when you're alone by yourself

It may melt your ice creams

Cause nightmares and bad dreams

And certainly damage your health


This poem's not comic

You'll find no jokes in it

Devoid of all humour and cheer

It's hideous, hated

Now treble-X-rated

Most strenuous, strict and severe


This poem is solemn

Repulsive and rotten

I bet you're already depressed

Mean, miserable, manic

And sure to spread panic

Don't you like the funny ones best?

Poetry Parrot

When I read my poems to my pet spider

They stir feelings deep inside her

When I read my poems to my pet lizard

He says “You're a wise word wizard”

When I read my poems to my pet kitten

She thinks they're the finest written

When I read my poems to my pet adder

Though they're fun they make him sadder

When I read my poems to my pet kiwi

She laughs till she has to wee-wee

When I read my poems to my pet capybara

He guffaws “Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!”

When I read my poems to my pet horse

She neighs...of course

When I read my poems to my pet pheasant

He tells me they're really pleasant

When I read my poems to my pet jackal

She rolls 'round and starts to cackle

When I read my poems to my pet gorilla

Watch him dance with my chinchilla

When I read my poems to my pet llama

She relaxes and grows calmer

When I read my poems to my pet red setter

He claims my rhymes can't be bettered

But when I read my pet parrot my poetry...

She reads each poem back to me!

Not a Vampire

Red sticky stuff upon my lips

Is strawberry jam

The razor teeth I'm sharpening

Are toy fake fangs

I dress in swish black velvet suits

So I look smart

Nobody's tried to drive a stake

Into my heart


You say that crosses bother me

Well that's not true

The only bats I've ever known

Are at the zoo

I'm cool with mirrors in my house

And garlic's fine

That zombie living down the street's

No mate of mine


As I won't sunbathe on the beach

My skin's snow white

I promise you I'm sound asleep

Before midnight

Thick fog around my castle

Is a morning mist

Count Dracula is fictional

He don't exist


No need to cover up your neck

When you meet me

I wouldn't drink your human blood

I'd opt for tea

Those trips to Transylvania?

I've never been

I'm really NOT a vampire

It’s just your bad dream

Don't Step on the Cracks

('Step on a crack, you'll break your mother's back' is an old saying)


Don't step on the cracks

Don't step on the cracks

Mum's back will break

For goodness sake

Don't step on the cracks


The Devil from the Paving Stone

Will rise up and grab her

I've warned you before

You're fighting a war

He might kidnap and nab her


Don't step on the cracks

Don't step on the cracks

Crossing that line

Will snap her spine

Don't step on the cracks


The Gremlin from the Underground

Will leap out and chase her

Push her in a hole

As big as a goal

Till nobody can nobody can trace her


Don't step on the cracks

Don't step on the cracks

Her bones will bust

Turn into dust

Don't step on the cracks


The Savage from the Stony Slab

Will stalk and attack her

Steal all her stuff

Treat her real rough

And permanently trap her


So don't step on the cracks

Be careful where you tread

But in trying to avoid them...

Don't walk under ladders instead!

Fright!

It creeps up in the night

It's a fright

Flashes teeth that can bite

It's a fright

It hides underneath your bed

Worms its way into your head

It's a fright, fright, fright, fright, fright!


Whispers things in your ear

It's a fear

Words you don't want to hear

It's a fear

Digs down deep into your brain

It's a crashing, speeding train

It's a fear, fear, fear, fear, fear!


It could pounce anywhere

It's a scare

It's a wolf, it's a bear

It's a scare

It's a painful stomach punch

Causes you to lose your lunch

It's a scare, scare, scare, scare, scare!


It's a creak, crack or knock

It's a shock

Stops your watch and your clock

It's a shock

Warns you that the end is near

Makes this poem finish here

It's a shock, shock, shock, shock, shock!

 

The World's Wickedest Dentist

I recline in her chair

Thinking life isn't fair

As I try to prepare

For the ultimate scare

She digs deep in that hole

She can no longer fill

I'm caught in the clutches of Mrs Drill

While my racing heart beats

I'm admitting defeat

Regret thousands of sweets

Cakes and sugary treats

'Cause inflicting great pain

Always gives her a thrill

I'm caught in the clutches of Mrs Drill

She holds open my mouth

It's a wrestling bout

Though I yell, scream and shout

My tooth needs taking out

She says "This shouldn't hurt"

But I know that it will

I'm caught in the clutches of Mrs Drill

Now she’s numbing my gum

And enjoying her fun

With the worst yet to come

I cry “I want my Mum!”

Instruments in her hand

Closing in for the kill

I'm caught in the clutches of Mrs Drill...

The Stegosaurus Saw Us

The stegosaurus saw us 

Saw us trudge between the trees

The stegosaurus saw us 

Saw us bouncing with the breeze

The stegosaurus saw us 

Saw us prowling to the park

The stegosaurus saw us 

Saw us dancing in the dark

The stegosaurus saw us 

Saw us lope over the land

The stegosaurus saw us 

Saw us skipping on the sand

The stegosaurus saw us 

Saw us glide along the grass

The stegosaurus saw us 

Saw us up the underpass

The stegosaurus saw us 

Saw us wander through the wood

The stegosaurus saw us 

Saw us hop around his 'hood

The stegosaurus saw us 

Saw us flit across the floor

The stegosaurus saw us 

So let out a massive ROOOOOOAAAAAAR!

Greedy Sweet Shop Owner

I'm the Greedy Sweet Shop Owner

I'll eject you from my shop

Why would I sell to customers

When I can scoff the lot?

I've sherbet fountains, barley sugars

Liquorice, chocolate limes

Please view them through my window

You've no need to step inside

I've humbugs, wine gums, toffees

Candy canes and honeycomb

Don't plan to make a purchase

These are mine and mine alone

As I don't want your business

My front door is always shut

Those pear drops, chews and packs of fudge

It's me who'll eat them up

I love to live this lifestyle

I don't care about my health

Your precious pocket money

Go and spend it somewhere else

For breakfast, lunch and dinner

Give me scrumptious sugary treats

I'm the Greedy Sweet Shop Owner

So keep YOUR hands off my sweets!

Birthday Present

Thank you very much for my birthday present
I hope you don't mind
But I am not going open it

Instead
It will sit on the shelf
In my bedroom
And every day for the rest of my life
My imagination will peer inside it
And turn it into something new  
So it could be...

A ticket for the next football World Cup Final

A magic potion to turn me into an invisible wizard

The answers to all the homework questions in the whole universe

A real unhatched brontosaurus egg

Two hundred swimming seahorses 

An endless supply of hugs, love and laughter

Already
It's the best birthday present I've ever had

Mind the Gap

There's nothing in my head
A vacuum's all that's here
I try to think of different thoughts but none of them appear

My cranium's a shell
A cavern bleak and black
I cannot write a poem if my brain does not come back

Just peer through either ear
You'll gaze at empty space
The organ once between them has now gone without a trace

I'm searching for some words
They're far too hard to find
So help me please Lost Property...I'm sure I've lost my mind

Itching Chicken

My chicken is itching
My chicken is scratching
A serious illness
He tells us it's catching

In place of a cluck
He has a sharp cough
His body and face
Are covered in spots

He's feeling discomfort
A permanent tickle
He's picking and licking
And in such a pickle

He's rubbing his beak
He nibbles his claws
He pecks at his wings
He rolls round the floor

He's irritated
Aggravated
Sweaty and hot
The vet says my chicken...
Has got chicken pox

Lexicon of Leisure

Funny filled the air with laughter
Bouncy bounded round the room
Angry shouted in frustration
Bright outshone the doom and gloom
 
Friendly kissed and hugged her buddies
Sad shed sacks of salty tears
Frightened shrunk then shook in terror
Optimistic spread some cheer

Creepy crouched in his dark corner
Shy was too afraid to ask
Lonely lounged in isolation
Clever came top of her class

Till the Poet closed his notebook
Put his magic pen away
Saying
“That's enough Wordplay for everyone today!”

Bubbles

Bubbles in the air
Round but never square
Bubbles love to bubble up and bubble everywhere

Bubbles fun to blow
Bubbles grow and grow
Floating high into the sky who knows where they will go?

Bubbles in the bath
Bubbles smile and laugh
Eating bubble sandwiches would be extremely daft

Bubbles made of soap
Bubbles full of hope
Planets look like bubbles when viewed through a telescope

Bubbles drifting down
Bursting on the ground
Disappear forever with a tiny popping sound

Bubbles in the air
Round but never square
Bubbles love to bubble up and bubble everywhere

Sunburn

If you're back is cracked and peeling
There's a frazzling you're feeling
Praying for a roof or ceiling?
You've got sunburn

Far too shrivelled to perspire?
Epidermis dead and dire?
"999...help...there's a fire!"
You've got sunburn

Blame that ball up in the blue sky
Egg and bacon on you would fry
You're more orange than that Trump guy
You've got sunburn

It's too late to turn that hose on
Or to splash on some sun lotion
You're like iron with corrosion
You've got sunburn

Possibly you've been cremated
Probably incinerated
Shade should not be under-rated!
You've got sunburn

Computer Bug

I'm a nasty little computer bug
Nibble, nosh, crunch!
Eating your computer when it's time for lunch
Gnawing through the circuits
While licking on my lips
I'll hack you
I'll attack you
Gobble up those microchips 

I'm demolishing your new mobile phone
Slobber, slurp, bite!
I trick you to invite me in then I strike
Smashing every socket
Slowing down your screen
I'll creep up
I will sneak up
Melt your programmes like ice cream

I'm invading your tablet and laptop too
Dribble, burp, yum!
Chewing through your favourite game fills my tum
Feasting on your keyboard
Messing with your mouse
The direst
Of viruses
You'll fail to flush me out

You can install security software
Disconnect all plugs
But you'll never defeat this nasty little computer bug

Hands

When you cross the road give me your hand
Become an acrobat and perform a handstand
Are you telling the truth, hand on heart? 
Paint-covered hands create amazing works of art

On the third finger of their left hand
Married folk wear a gold band
You can't shake hands with a closed fist
Hold a winning hand playing trumps or whist

There are so many things hands help us do
Call a handyman or handywoman to fix a loose screw
Grab that handkerchief quick
Here it comes...aaaaaaachooooooo!

Sign language uses hands
To help people communicate and understand
Hands have four fingers and a thumb
My mum's hand used to smack my bum
When I misbehaved
Hands say "goodbye" to friends with a wave

Raise your hands if you know the right answer
You might move your hands in the air if you're a dancer
Cold hands? Cover them with gloves
Squeeze the hand of someone you love

And if you like this poem
Then as one
Clap your hands together now
Because it's done

Hands!