SSSSNAP! Mister Shark

SSSSNAP!
Mister Shark don't bite my hand!
SSSSNAP!
Mister Shark don't bite my toes!
SSSSNAP!
Mister Shark don't bite my ear!
SSSSNAP!
Mister Shark don't bite my nose!

SSSSNAP!
Mister Shark don't bite my arm!
SSSSNAP!
Mister Shark don't bite my leg!
SSSSNAP!
Mister Shark don't bite my back!
SSSSNAP!
Mister Shark don't bite my neck!

SSSSNAP!
Mister Shark don't bite my chest!
SSSSNAP!
Mister Shark don't bite my cheek!
SSSSNAP!
Mister Shark don't bite my hair!
SSSSNAP!
Mister Shark don't bite my feet!

SSSSNAP!
Mister Shark don't bite my knee!
SSSSNAP!
Mister Shark don't bite my thumb!
SSSSNAP!
Mister Shark don't bite my thigh!
SSSSNAP!
Mister Shark don't bite my bum!

Mister Shark please don't eat me up!
Mister Shark please keep your jaws shut!

SSSSNAP!

Dentist I Love You

(I think my dentist made a pass at me last week - she said I had very nice gums. True. I already have a poem called 'I Want to Murder My Dentist' and felt very guilty about it after her comment so this should redress the balance.)

Dentist I love you
You're so dear to me
You found a path to my heart
Through my cavernous cavity

Please rip off that mask
Then let down your hair
We'll recline together in your special chair
While other folk might be nervous or scared 
To pay a visit to your practice
I burn and yearn for it because the simple fact is

Dentist I love you
Yes! Yes! Yes!
You're the sexiest person in the NHS
You give me fresh hope
You give me fresh breath
(And free samples of Signal, Colgate and Crest)

I eat loadsa cakes, sweets and chocolate too
So I have an excuse to more frequently meet you
I don't care if my teeth decay
As it excites me acutely when you take an x-ray
Every dental check-up is a red letter day for me
Outside my gums bleed 
Inside I'm in ecstasy

I don't dig doctors
I don't dig chiropodists
Chiropractors aren't on my hot list
I don't dig osteopaths
I don't dig opticians
But when I'm sitting in your surgery
I feel a certain frisson
For a woman in a white coat
Who's a heavenly vision

So I'm ever willing
To receive your fillings
I'm not even bothered by your over-zealous drilling
Pain and pleasure intermingled
My molar might ache but my soul softly tingles
Most guys fall for women with regular jobs
But I'm fond of a lass who fondles my gob

I'm not joshing
Your brush is a beauty 
And I admire your flossing
You're a sugar-free sensation
Can you book me an appointment for another oral examination?
Strange, odd, weird
Yet totally true
Dentist, my dentist
I love you

X X X X X X X 

Shoelaces

Oh my shoelaces
You really drive me nuts
Although I want you undone
I'm told to do you up

I'd rather let you hang down
Prefer it if you dangled
I don't care you're in a mess
Or get all tied and tangled

It's cool to see you flopping
And looking longer too
Yet when I make you stay that way 
There's such a hullabaloo

People warn me "You'll trip up
"Fall flat upon your face"
Though I say "Fashion statement"
My teacher yells "Disgrace!"

I could secure you with two bows
Or maybe double knots
Or pull you very tightly
But that might hurt - a lot

The truth is I'm just lazy
So stop doing in my head
When I next buy a pair of shoes
I'll choose velcro instead

Queen Kong

Though Queen Kong is super strong
Unlike her better half King Kong
You don't see her scale skyscrapers
And get involved in crime capers
She never, ever beats her chest
Or uses her strength to impress
She says "My husband must unwind
"He brings shame to all primate-kind!"

Queen Kong's absolutely mad
At witnessing her children's Dad
Bust out his cage inside the zoo
Attack New York and London too
While smashing aeroplanes and tanks
Then stealing jewels and robbing banks
She says: "He's an embarrassment 
"Much more a monster than a gent"

Queen Kong is extremely cross
She pulls her fur out at a loss
Unsure of how to tame her man
And foil his world destruction plan
He roars, makes buildings snap and shake
While at home she makes beds and cakes
She says "KK should show respect
"Instead of leaving cities wrecked"

Queen Kong's really had enough
Fed up with her guy's violent stuff
She shouts "A final warning dear
"You end your horror film career
"Your angry times will have to cease
"If you don't choose the path of peace
"I will divorce you instantly
"No more bananas for your tea!"

King Kong's feeling sad and shocked
His life is well and truly rocked
He bows his head and says "Okay
"You win I'll change my angry ways
"My evil schemes will have to stop
"I'll shake the hand of every cop
"And promise not to blow my cool
"From now on it's Queen Kong who rules"

The moral is: giant gorillas tough and hairy
Should remember that their wives can be twice as scary

The Fart Police

If you hear a sonic BOOM! 
Witness panic everywhere
Awful odours fill the class
Till you're crying "Clear the air!"
You know that noise was NOT a sneeze
So call the Fart Police

They will find the perpetrator
Sort the situation out
Take them down to your Headteacher
'Cause they spread their stench about
If it's foul odour you're sniffing
When that person near you's niffing
Call the Fart Police

It's a devastating scene
There's a pong of something rotten
When the fumes of someone's dinner
Are emitted from their bottom
Can you whiff bad eggs and cheese?
Call the Fart Police

They will disinfect the room
Till it smells like summer flowers 
And arrest the culprit too
Keep him in school after hours
If you feel a strong vibrating
From that chair that's got your mate in
Call the Fart Police

Now if Miss is very cross
During maths or art or history
When aromas are detected
Though their source is still a mystery
Want to know who did the deed?
Call the Fart Police

Got a problem with your bum
I won't send for Dad or Mum
I'll call the Fart Police

Causing wind's not yet a crime
So please - don't call 999

Call the Fart Police

The Hairy Poem

Hair
Everywhere
All kinds of hair
Black, ginger, brown, blonde or fair
Hair that's straight
Hair that's plaited
Curly, frizzy
Wavy or matted

Hair in a bow
Bob or a bun
Big hair to keep the sun off your head
Hair dyed mauve, turquoise or naturally red
You may have a bald patch with no hair retention
You may have a new batch of hair extensions

Clean, shiny hair washed in shampoo
(With conditioner added too)
Baby-soft hair
Amazing Afro hair
"Keep you're hair on!" Is the thing to say
To the man whose wig has blow away
"Snip, snip!" Cut hair on the hairdresser's floor
"Ouch - that's my hair you've shut in the door!"

Hair on your body
Hair on your face
Hair popping up all over the place
Messy morning hair at 8 o'clock
Punk Mohican hair for maximum shock
Bob Marley reggae-king proudly wore dreadlocks
Want to join the army then get your hair cropped
I love you so much and because I care
In a tiny box I keep a strand of your hair

Prickly beards
Fluttering eyelashes 
Smooth eyebrows
Silly-shaped moustaches
Hair in a ponytail
Hair that is braided 
Dry, greasy, knotted hair is lifeless and jaded 
Weird scary hair - "Help! The aliens have invaded!"
Old hair that's grey and faded

Pigtails, quiffs, bunches
Comb your hair slicked-back
But don't hide your hair under a hat
That's not hair - that's fur on your cat!
Scratch your hair if you have a flea
'Herr' means 'mister' in Austria and Germany

Yes, hair is what this poem's about
If you can't understand it don't tear your hair out
Instead here's what to do
Look in the mirror and tell me...
What hair type are YOU?

Padlock the Fridge

I put a padlock on our fridge
Securing it from all my kids
Who really are a greedy bunch
They scoff my dinner, stuff my lunch
They nibble cheese and next of course
They're slurping down the chocolate sauce
The custard's been consigned to history
Though where it went to is no mystery

The apple pie has missing bites
While ice cream disappears from sight
And yoghurts vanish just like that
They hog the ham but leave the fat
The baked bean can that was half-full
Has no beans left in it at all
They gobble up my weekly shopping
“Where's the plate with that pork chop in?”

Cola, milkshakes, fruit juice drinks
I don't find poured into the sink
Then how come that the shelves are bare?
Why is no peanut butter spare?
Fingerprints in margarine!
"Who consumed the squirty cream?”
Though you bet it's not a grown up
Younger voices never own up

Strawberry shortcake - always stolen
Melons found with giant holes in
Bacon rashers go AWOL
Sausageless are sausage rolls
Yes my fridge empties overnight
Now chains around it are fixed tight
But I hold keys so I am fine
At last its entire contents...are MINE!

HOT!

It was burning
Baking
Tan-creating
Beaming
Gleaming
Steaming
Vanilla ice-creaming
It was hot, hot, HOT!

Sweaty
Sweltering
Bubbling
Blistering
Flaming
Roasting
Raging
Toasting
So hot, hot, HOT!

Like a jungle
Like an inferno
Like a barbecue
Like a volcano
Like a desert
Like a fire
Like a recently fused electric wire
Extremely hot, hot, HOT!

Boiling
Blazing
Sun-drenching
Sunbathing
Dehydrating
Forest-torching
Red, yellow, orange
Scorching
Definitely hot, hot, HOT!

Skin-drying
Ground-crusting
Pan-frying
Thermometer-busting
Forty-degreesing
Cream-applying 
Hayfever-sneezing
No cloud in the sky
Incredibly hot, hot, HOT!

A fizzling 
Sizzling
Searing
Oven of a day
That even melted the last word of this poem away
It was hot, hot...

You Can't Take a Goldfish for a Walk

You can stick a cork in an elephant's trunk
Put a hippo on a diet to lose weight
You can book a meeting with a tortoise too
Though expect him to be late
You could clean the teeth of a crocodile's smile
Teach the shyest parrot to talk
But when choosing a pet
Please don't forget
You can't take a goldfish for a walk

You can instruct a flamingo to win at bingo
And a pig to keep out the mud
Brief a vampire bat informing him that
It's so uncool to suck blood
Tell vultures, seagulls, buzzards and eagles
That it's very impolite to squawk
But as they swapped their limbs
For a bunch of fins
You can't take a goldfish for a walk

You can help a hyena split his sides laughing
Tie a rattlesnake in a knot
Have a race with a cheetah (though he's bound to beat ya)
Then paint out a leopard's spots
The chimpanzee who's coming to tea
Could eat with a knife and fork
But when you buy aquatic creatures
Remember this one feature
You can't take a goldfish for a walk

You can tell a chinchilla to sit on a gorilla
Force a cow to go 'woof' not 'moo'
Enquire if a wallaby would one day wanna be
Converted to a kangaroo
Though they're omnivores beg bears not to gnaw
On beef or lamb or pork
But as they much prefer the water
This simple fact will never alter
You can't take a goldfish for a walk

Don't be dim
They only like to swim

So you can't take a goldfish for a walk

Down the Side of the Sofa

You got rubbish want to hide it?
Where's the secret place to slide it?
Down the side of the sofa...

Old socks
Pen tops
Sticky sticks from lollipops

Bits of dust
Specks of dirt
Button's from forgotten shirts

Chocolate wrappers
Snotty tissues
Copies of the Big Issue

Piles of fluff
Odd shoes
Pet rabbit do-dos

Penny coins
Bottle caps
Torn up tube maps

Shopping receipts from yesteryear
Balls of wax from Granddad's ear...

Safety pins
Drawing pins
Fingernails and hard skin

Bubble gum
Sucked sweets
Chewed up dog treats

Crisp packets
Rusty screws
Bills that are overdue

Dental floss
Locks of hair
Labels from your underwear

Apple cores
Paper clips
Mouldy black and green chips

Half-eaten sausage rolls
Stuff them down the black hole

You got rubbish want to hide it?
Where's the secret place to slide it?
Down the side of the sofa

Match of the Day

We hide under the table
We cower behind the chair
We hear words we've never heard
As swearing fills the air

The TV screen's been damaged
Remote control is mashed
The living room's a battlefield
The furniture's been trashed

Dad's blood pressure is rising
Mum tells him to calm down
Blue veins are bulging from his head
His heart begins to pound

While steam pours out his nostrils
His feet stamp on the floor
A hundred crazed gorillas
Would shrivel at his roar

There's dinner on the carpet
And beer spilt down his jeans
He turns a shade of purple
Yellow, orange, red and green

He writhes around in agony
Yells "I can't take no more!"
Though I thought sport was just for fun
To him it's just for war

Our windows are all broken
Our Sky dish has been smashed
All extremely annoying
But Dad's way of enjoying
Another England football match

Surprises

Parcel deliveries in the early morning post
The intoxicating smell of a Sunday roast
Spontaneous unplanned trips to the coast
Listening to a new Arctic Monkeys track
Lying in a daisy field with you, flat out on our backs
Eating al fresco at a Parisian café
Finally finding that most perfect present on ebay
Dot co dot uk

A midnight, moonlit wander through golden, soft-on-sole sands
Squeezing your hand 
Tight!
That stomach-churning moment when an aeroplane takes flight
(And I turn a ghastly ghostly white)
A pure blue cloudless sky
Breathtaking views from the Shard or the London Eye
Laughing hysterically until we cry
Unexpectedly succeeding when giving something different a try

The first lawnmower whir of spring
The first sticky sweat of summer
The first orange-leaved scene of autumn
The first frost-filled morning of winter

Freshly-ironed bed linen
Being there at Wembley Stadium when England are so easily winning
Closing your eyes and spinning, and spinning, and spinning...
Sharing magical moments with friends
Making amends
And forgiving
Seizing each opportunity by the throat and living 
Every day like it's your last one
The fantastic fun 
Of an ear-splitting exhilarating, exploding sneeze
Sitting under huge shady oak trees
Smoked salmon bagels with rich cream cheese 
Can I have another please?

The very last day of the school year
The bitter-sweet taste of that early teenage sip of beer
The longest kiss you EVER had
Eventually - but unbelievably - becoming a mum or a dad
Cool shorts when it's hot
Warm wooly scarves when it's not

Home-made sugary strawberry jam
Screeeeeeeeaming as loud as you possibly can
Just to see what it's like
Freewheeling down the steepest hill on your old rusty bike
Watching your favourite movie again and again 
Standing, soaking, sodden wet in the pouring rain 
Scintillating sunsets 
Stunning sunrises
Life...
Is full of surprises

I Love My Teddy Bear

I love my teddy bear
I love my teddy bear
I love my teddy bear
My special teddy bear

He never is apart from me
I'm taking him to school with me
I'm teaching him his A, B, C

I love my teddy bear
I love my teddy bear
I love my teddy bear
My special teddy bear

He's been with me since I was born
At night in bed he keeps me warm
His eyes are loose, his ears are worn

I love my teddy bear
I love my teddy bear
I love my teddy bear
My special teddy bear

He's really cute, he's really sweet
With furry hands and fluffy feet
Who is the bear who can't be beat?

I love my teddy bear
I love my teddy bear
I love my teddy bear
My special teddy bear

Catch the Flea!

Who is making your dog scratch? That's me
Who is making your cat itch? That's me
I can hop into your ear
I can crawl down your back
I can hide in a crevice
Be concealed in a crack
You won't spot me easily
I'm a flea, flea, flea, flea, flea - catch me!

Who is bouncing in your bed? That's me
Who is walking 'cross your head? That's me
I can drive you to despair
Make you fidget like you're crazy
Build my home inside your carpet
Splash and swim around your gravy
I'm your worst enemy
I'm a flea, flea, flea, flea, flea - catch me!

Who is tickling your toes? That's me
Who is wiggling your nose? That's me
Microscopic and minute
Miniature and minuscule
Elephants are extra big
While I am extra small
Such a tiny entity
I'm a flea, flea, flea, flea, flea - catch me!

Who is biting on your skin? That's me
Who is nibbling your chin? That's me
Jumping like a kangaroo
I'm a parasitic pest
You pour powder down your neck
If you feel me in your vest
Far too wee for you to see
I'm a flea, flea, flea, flea, flea - catch me!

You say I'm a nasty bug but I beg to disagree
I'm a flea, flea, flea, flea, flea - catch me!

Superstitions

Tread on a crack 
And you'll break your back
Your day will become a disaster
Step over that gap 
To avoid a mishap
You don't want to end up being covered in plaster

Walk under that ladder mate
Then you'll get in a state
Move around it with caution instead
Or something so awful
And bad might befall you
Like paint plopping down by the pint on your head

Open brollies indoors
And you know the score
You're likely to lose all your luck
You could develop a cough
Your head might drop off
Or your feet get mashed up by a runaway truck 

If you pass a black cat
It's nothing to laugh at
It could be a wizard disguised
A wave of his wand
Next your dinner has gone
'Cause he'll magic away all your burgers and fries

Smash a mirror in two
That's very bad news
Your life will be altered forever
My message to you 
Is buy superglue
Then hurry up stick all the bits back together 

And if you don't heed these warnings
When you wake each morning
You need to get into this habit
For a fortunate fate
Remember to state
“White rabbits! 
“White rabbits! 
“White rabbits!”

Mr Potato Head

I'm Mr Potato Head
Your favourite friendly spud
Not made of carbohydrate
Not made of flesh and blood
I'm a plastic vegetable
Completely indigestible
Everyone looks at me so oddly
Just a bonce without a body

I'm Mr Potato Head
Ok I know I'm weird
With two looooooooong wiggly arms
Growing out below my ears
My facial features have sharp pins
That children poke into my skin
I stand up straight though have no roots
And that's down to my big blue boots

I'm Mr Potato Head
Now a Hollywood celebrity
The star of Toy Story
1, 2 and 3
The feeling's really strange
When my face is re-arranged
I'm a tuber who wears glasses
Bowler hats and false moustaches

I'm not Mr Raddish
Mr Beetroot
Mr Turnip
Mr Carrot
Mr Swede
Or Mr Yam
But Mr Potato Head
That's who I am

The World's Worst Toilet

There's a huge crack in the bowl
Don't go there
There's no paper on the roll
Don't go there

Severed hinges on the door
Don't go there
Shattered tiles on the floor
Don't go there

There's an evil smelling whiff
Don't go there
Broken seat and busted lid
Don't go there

The wallpaper is peeling
Don't go there
Check the cockroach on the ceiling
Don't go there

There's no key to turn the lock
Don't go there
And the pipe's completely blocked
Don't go there

The light has blown a fuse
Don't go there
The air freshener's all used
Don't go there

Someone stole the toilet brush
Don't go there
Once you've done you cannot flush
Don't go there

It's the place that you most dread
So keep calm and cross your legs
Hold it till you're home instead
What's the warning that I said?
DON'T GO THERE!

DON'T

If you kidnap a giraffe
Tie a huge knot in my scarf
Make my pet tarantula barf
I'll say 
"DON'T!"

If you mash my mobile phone
Cook me haddock on the bone
Lock me in the shed alone
I'll say 
"DON'T!"

If you're rude and quite sarcastic
Stretch my legs like they're elastic
Drop the 'f' so it's '-antastic'
I'll say 
"DON'T!"

If you vampire-bite my neck
Gobble up my Ready Brek 
Tell my friends I look like Shrek
I'll say 
"DON'T!"

If you 'search' instead of 'Google'
Loudly blow into a bugle
Shave the fur off my mate's poodle
I'll say 
"DON'T!"

If you vacuum up my socks
Fill my mattress full of rocks 
Feed my rabbit to a fox
I'll say 
"DON'T!"

If you hum when I am talking
Claim that Dorks all live in Dorking 
Serve pork pie without the pork in
I'll say 
"DON'T!"

If you scare me with a "BOO!"
Sneeze on me till I catch flu
Even shout "Do! Do! Do! Do!"
I'll still say 
"Don't!"

Killer Dog

My dog would kill for chicken
My dog would kill for cheese
He'd kill for a lasagne
And also rice and peas

My dog would kill for apple cores
My dog would kill for chips
Steak, pork, ham or minted lamb 
Cause him to lick his lips

My dog would kill for carrots (raw)
And biscuits without doubt
My dog would kill for cucumber
Mayonnaise and deep fried trout

My dog would kill for Crunchie Bars
(Though chocolate does him harm)
The thought of jelly in his belly
Rings his dog alarm

My dog would kill for scrambled eggs
My dog would kill for beef
If you cook bacon sandwiches
He'll slobber through his teeth

My dog would kill for noodle soup
And spicy vindaloo
My dog would kill for lemon curd
For bean and lentil stew

But my dog is a sweet dog really
So don't worry about any of that
He would never, ever hurt YOU at all...

Unless you are a CAT!

The Dragon Rap

I've got a dragon as a pet
I bought him from a store on the Internet
With serious sparks shooting out of his lips
That'll fry your sausages, beans and chips

Giraffes are a laugh
Gazelles really good
But I've brought a dragon to our neighbourhood

Is it a bird?
Is it a plane?
Or my dragon flying high in the sky again
My dragon flying high in the sky again

He's scaly and slimy and orange and red
I didn't want a dog so I chose him instead
When he's breathing out flames I am never afraid
'Cause I know the number of the Fire Brigade

Monkeys are magic
Chameleons cool
But I've got a dragon to take to school

Is it a bird?
Is it a plane?
Or my dragon flying high in the sky again
My dragon flying high in the sky again

He's a creature possessing sharp teeth and claws
A spiky tail and a thunderous ROAR!
Raised in a cave by a weird old wizard
He's my very own giant-sized lizard

Pandas are pukka
Gibbons are great
But I have a dragon as my best mate

Is it a bird?
Is it a plane?
Or my dragon flying high in the sky again
My dragon flying high in the sky again
D.R.A.
G.O.N.
My dragon flying high in the sky again

My dragon flying high in the sky again