My Smelly Socks

If you stole my smelly socks
Shut them in a metal box
Hid it under heavy rocks
And twenty-seven concrete blocks
Sealed it with cast iron locks
You could still smell
MY SMELLY SOCKS
 
Imagine the smelliest thing you can
Then times it by ten
Imagine the new smell that you’d get
Then times it by ten again
And what’s the smell that you’ve now got?
That smell worse than hell of
MY SMELLY SOCKS
 
They stink
They poison
The poo
They reek
And made my washing machine explode last week
Folk say they’re one of nature’s freaks
But I say that they’re not
They’re just
MY SMELLY SOCKS
 
You might pass out
You might go stiff
If you’re brave enough to have a sniff
I’m daring you to take a whiff
Of the niffiest things you can possibly niff
MY SMELLY SOCKS
 
They’re in the Guinness Book of Records
Under `strongest stench ever’
I keep them in two separate rooms
They’re too powerful when they’re together
Their smell is even stronger in the sweaty summer heat
What’s scarier than the scariest monster you could ever meet?
That pair of pongers that cover my feet
And my toes
Make sure your nose
Don’t get too close to
MY SMELLY SOCKS
 
My family live in fear of me
My friends will not come near to me
When I wear shoes they’re cheering me
How can two items made of cotton
Be so deadly, pungent, awful and rotten?
Once inhaled then never forgotten
MY SMELLY SOCKS
 
When I last washed them in 1974
They were sweet, soft, white and clean
Now I don’t wash them anymore
They’re crusty, purple and green
So disgusting, disgraceful, distasteful and obscene
Any film about them would be rated 18
If you find one in your bed tonight you’ll let out a piercing
Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam at
MY SMELLY SOCKS
 
 
 
 

Anna IKEA

(`Ask Anna’ is the online customer service assistant programme on IKEA’s website who DOES talk to you! See www.ikea.com/gb/en - honest!)
 
I don’t want to watch TV
Go to the movies
Or meet my mates for a beer
I’d rather stay in and chat to Anna IKEA

I know she’s only a computer generated store assistant programme
But holding my mouse is like holding her hand 
If I’m lonely and in need
I switch on my virtual Swede
Snuggle up to my PC monitor
So I can have her near
Then spend the evening chatting to Anna IKEA
 
She’s an online Scandinavian friend to me
Advising me on furniture and upholstery
I’d like to get to know her better though
She’s just a torso
With a head and shoulders
But no back or rear
I don’t need MSN when
I can chat to Anna IKEA
 
She’s my pixelated pal
Always willing and able
To tell me how to assemble my flat-packed dining room table
And forever the champ
Of the anglepoise lamp
I’m not a guy for DIY so my style she doesn’t cramp
We share a love of ABBA music
Have singalongs to Mama Mia
That’s what happens when I chat to Anna IKEA
 
People say I’m a bit sad
As a CGI female is the best friend I’ve ever had
I retort “it’s just bit of harmless fun
“With a girl from the land of the midnight sun”
Though if I persist my reward
Might be a holiday in the fjords
Or perhaps she’ll invite me round for a cold meat smorgasbord
She can’t give a Swedish massage
But I still hold her dear
There’s more legroom in my bedroom when I’m with Anna IKEA
 
There’s nothing the girl won’t do for me
She’ll suggest where I can get a screw for free
She’s not programmed to lie she’s always true to me
As reliable as hardwood
Not a flimsy veneer
I just want to chat to Anna IKEA
 
I pose her quiz questions
About cupboards, swivel chairs and cabinets
Lino, tiles, curtains and carpet fabrics
She says she’ll deactivate herself if I shop at DFS or Magnet
Is it wrong to want to go to bed
With someone living on the Web?
When I log her out at night I shed a sorrowful tear
‘Cause I’d rather stay up and chat
And chew the fat
With Anna IKEA
 
 

Mooooooooooooo

When you’re feeling blue
Make a loud MOOOOOOOOOO
It’s such an obvious thing to do
Don’t wear a long frown
Don’t stare at your shoe
Don’t scream out or shout
Or lock yourself in the loo
But consider a cow
Not a pink cockatoo
Then laugh
And go daft
Just make a loud MOOOOOOOOOO
 
When you’re feeling grumpy
Down in the dumpy
If your day won’t run smoothly
‘Cause the path you’re on is bumpy
Don’t take to your bed
Don’t tear out your hair
Don’t fly off to the Med
Don’t curse, cuss and swear
Instead hold on very tightly to the only thing certain and true
When you’re feeling blue
Just make a loud MOOOOOOOOOO
 
When you’re feeling agitated
When you’re feeling aggravated
When you’re wishing you hadn’t been born
Push aside the negatives
Practice all the positives
That MOOOOOOOOOO will help you sail on through the storm
 
Don’t get depressed
Face up to life’s test
Think of something guaranteed to rid you of this mess
Don’t be bitter
Don’t be a quitter
Turn your moans and groans into an almighty titter
When you feel a shade of grey
It will gently blow away
If you slowly count down from ten to two
Then you can have more fun
If you don’t think of a one
But instead
Just make a loud MOOOOOOOOOO
 
You’re NOT on the Titanic
So there’s no need to panic
When you’re blue
Just make a loud MOOOOOOOOOO
Even if you’re really poorly with tonsillitis and flu
Just
Make
A
Loud
MOOOOOOOOOO

Listerine

With a farewell note she left Listerine
Said my breath smelt like death and my teeth were obscene
I tried orange flavour, cherry flavour and regular green
Now I’ve a wife and a life thanks to Listerine
 
When my tongue has a furry coat
And the taste that I’m tasting is rancid goat (or stoat)
What stuff do I copiously chuck down my throat?
Listerine
 
I pour it on my cornflakes and my muesli
Don’t buy Tesco own brand - be more choosy
Any spare? It’ll kill every germ on your loo seat
Listerine
 
Give your gob a new beginning
Find something fit for your tonsils to swim in
If when you heave a sigh people say that you’re minging
Try Listerine
 
I’ve put a stop to my halitosis
Made my kisses seem as sweet as roses
What’s the best mouthwash my dentist knows?
It’s Listerine
 
My life’s transformed to a gargling marathon
Thanks to this liquid stronger than paraffin
I’m dashing off to have a show in
Listerine
 
Aqua, methyl silicate, alcohol
Sodium benzoate, saccharin, sorbitol
Aroma, benzoic acid, eucalyptol
Poloxamer, thymol and menthol
Keep it fresh
Keep it clean
Attack plaque in the name of oral hygiene
With Listerine
 
It’s made me a magnet to the opposite sex
Who needs the gym to build up their pecks?
When you can shove an antiseptic down your neck
Like Listerine
 
So if there’s a whiff like nasty poo
When someone sniffs your exhaled CO2
Don’t buy Wrigley’s chewing gum to chew
But Listerine

Think of a Gnu

When you’re feeling blue
Think of a gnu
It’s such an obvious thing to do
Don’t wear a long frown
Don’t stare at your shoe
Don’t scream out aloud
Don’t lock yourself in the loo
Don’t consider a cow
Or a pink cockatoo
‘Cause you’ll laugh
And go daft
If you think of a gnu
 
When you’re feeling grumpy
Down in the dumpy
If your day won’t run smoothly
‘Cause the path you’re on is bumpy
Don’t take to your bed
Don’t tear out your hair
Don’t fly off to the Med
Don’t curse, cuss and swear
Just hold on very tightly to the only thing certain and true
When you’re feeling blue
Think of a gnu
 
When you’re feeling agitated
When you’re feeling aggravated
When you’re wishing you hadn’t been born
Push aside the negatives
Practice all the positives
That gnu will help you sail on through the storm
Don’t get depressed
Face up to life’s test
Think of something guaranteed to rid you of this mess
Don’t be bitter
Don’t be a quitter
Turn your moans and groans into an almighty titter
When you feel a shade of grey
It will gently blow away
If you slowly count down from ten to two
Then have much more fun
Don’t think of a one
But instead
Think of a gnu
 
You’re NOT on the Titanic
So there’s no need to panic
When you’re blue
Think of a gnu
Even if you’re really poorly with tonsillitis and flu
Just
Think
Of
A
Gnu

Mealtimemania

Wash your hands before you eat
Mealtimemania
Emma’s sitting in my seat
Mealtimemania
Jack’s flicking beans and peas
Now he’s put his dirty fingers in the Dairylea cheese
Give me seconds of pudding please, please, please!
 
Mealtimemania
Why’d we have to turn off the TV?
Mealtimemania
Emma keeps nudging me
Mealtimemania
Don’t talk with a mouthful of food
You know I hate carrots stewed
Can I spit out this piece of gristle that I’ve chewed and chewed and chewed
And chewed and chewed and chewed?
 
Mealtimemania
There’s no meat inside this pie?
Mealtimemania
Jack’s made Emma cry
Mealtimemania
He’s poured custard on her head
And ‘cause he’s STILL flicking peas he’s being sent to bed
Why can’t we go for a McDonalds instead?
 
Mealtimemania
Who ate the last soft roll?
Mealtimemania
Today school was dull, dull, dull
Mealtimemania
Sarah’s calling me names
We had chicken last night – please not tonight again
When Emma pulls faces why do I always get the blame?
 
Mealtimemania
It so winds up my Dad and Mum
Mealtimemania
Total pandemonium
Mealtimemania
Get that gravy off my plate!
Sarah’s eating only lettuce ‘cause she says she’s overweight
What’s the time of day I most hate?
 
Mealtimemania
Everyone’s talking at the same time
Mealtimemania
My broccoli tastes like slug slime
Mealtimemania
Who farted? Not me
I don’t want to wash up – that’s slavery
There’s something strange floating in my cup of tea
Welcome to Mealtimemania
With MY family
 

Mealtimemania

Mealtimemania
Wash your hands before you eat
Mealtimemania
Emma’s sitting in my seat
Mealtimemania
Jack’s flicking beans and peas
Now he’s put his dirty fingers in the Dairylea cheese
Give me seconds of pudding please, please, please!

 
Mealtimemania
Why’d we have to turn off the TV?
Mealtimemania
Emma keeps nudging me
Mealtimemania
Don’t talk with a mouthful of food
You know I hate carrots stewed
Can I spit out this piece of gristle that I’ve chewed and chewed and chewed
And chewed and chewed and chewed?

 
Mealtimemania
There’s no meat inside this pie?
Mealtimemania
Jack’s made Emma cry
Mealtimemania
He’s poured custard on her head
And ‘cause he’s STILL flicking peas he’s being sent to bed
Why can’t we go for a McDonalds instead?

 
Mealtimemania
Who ate the last soft roll?
Mealtimemania
Today school was dull, dull, dull
Mealtimemania
Sarah’s calling me names
We had chicken last night – please not tonight again
When Emma pulls faces why do I always get the blame?

 
Mealtimemania
It so winds up my Dad and Mum
Mealtimemania
Total pandemonium
Mealtimemania
Get that gravy off my plate!
Sarah’s eating only lettuce ‘cause she says she’s overweight
What’s the time of day I most hate?

 
Mealtimemania
Everyone’s talking at the same time
Mealtimemania
My broccoli tastes like slug slime
Mealtimemania
Who farted? Not me
I don’t want to wash up – that’s slavery
There’s something strange floating in my cup of tea
Welcome to Mealtimemania
With my family

The Aliens Have Landed

Strange creatures fell out of the skies
Like weird gigantic dragonflies
Then took the whole world by surprise
The aliens have landed
 
It’s like a nightmare coming true
I’m living in an episode of Doctor Who
Even scarier than Scooby Doo
The aliens have landed
 
They’re taking over Government
They’re taking over Parliament
They’ve hypnotised the President
The aliens have landed
 
They have humungous purple heads
Bodies bright orange, lime green and blood red
No mouths but extra ears instead
The aliens have landed
 
They inhabit the planet Theton 3
In the distant Andromeda Galaxy
They eat whole computers for their tea
The aliens have landed
 
They’re marching into Gloucestershire
Invading deepest Derbyshire
I’ve either drunk too much wine or beer or
The aliens have landed
 
They’ve seized countries and economies
The World Wide Web, the BBC
They’re running Tesco and Sainsbury’s
The aliens have landed
 
They’ve made their homes in zoos and schools
In football grounds and swimming pools
Converting baked beans into rocket fuel
The aliens have landed
 
British Army tanks are useless
Royal Air Force jets are powerless
My Mum and Dad are pretty stressed
The aliens have landed
 
They’re even banning poetry
Mankind could soon be history
So the very last words you could hear from me are:
The aliens have landed

There’s Nothing Like a GOAL!

See the home support exploding
As emotions are unloading
Thunderbolts or two-yard toe-ins
Will top all excitement polls
‘Cause there’s nothing like a
GOAL!

You’ll forgive all of those misses
Rediscover what true bliss is
All around you hugs and kisses
Now your team is on a roll
‘Cause there’s nothing like a
GOAL!

Till that point the game was boring
With the commentator snoring
Now as one the crowd is roaring
Dig that sound in both ear holes
‘Cause there’s nothing like a
GOAL!

More dazzling than the brightest light
More thrilling than a fast motorbike
More pulsating than a rocket in flight
More satisfying than a gigantic bite
From the biggest, juiciest burger
Shout it so the whole world’s heard ya?
‘Cause there’s nothing like a
GOAL!

It’s a striker’s greatest pleasure
It’s what football fans most treasure
Watch the replay at your leisure
Then watch it again
And again
And again
And again
To lift your heart
Soothe your pain
And electrify your soul
‘Cause there’s nothing like a
GOAL!

Please Don’t Make Me Do PE

I can’t climb the ropes
I can’t jump horses
I can’t do gym circuits that are like assault courses
I’m don’t wanna join the SAS, Air Force or Army
So please don’t make me do PE
 
You can smash my television
You can pull my teeth out
You can force feed me dog food
Slap my face with a wet trout
You can give me a shock of powerful electricity
But please don’t make me do PE
 
I’m not the physical type
I’m not a super-hero shape
Bouncing on the trampoline’s something I really hate
It gets me in a state
I can’t dance, ski or skate
I don’t need to lose more weight
Not a single calorie
So please don’t make me do PE
 
I’m gonna scream for an hour
Till I get a sore throat
Then ask my mum
To write me a sick note
When the games lesson starts
I wanna miss the boat
Refuse to take off my coat
I can’t swim I sink not float
And I can’t catch in cricket
Kick in football or rugby
So please don’t make me do PE
 
I’ve got more of a mathematical brain
I don’t like anything that gives me pain
Or makes my muscles stretch or strain
Or sprain
I don’t wanna get splattered in mud
Again and again
As I wheeze, whinge and whine
Through the fog, wind and the rain
While staggering through a two-mile cross country
So please don’t make me do PE
 
 

Please Don’t Make Me Do PE

 
I can’t climb the ropes
I can’t jump horses
I can’t do gym circuits that are like assault courses
I’m don’t wanna join the SAS, Air Force or Army
So please don’t make me do PE

 
You can smash my television
You can pull my teeth out
You can force feed me dog food
Slap my face with a wet trout
You can give me a shock of powerful electricity
But please don’t make me do PE

 
I’m not the physical type
I’m not a super-hero shape
Bouncing on the trampoline’s something I really hate
It gets me in a state
I can’t dance, ski or skate
I don’t need to lose more weight
Not a single calorie
So please don’t make me do PE

 
I’m gonna scream for an hour
Till I get a sore throat
Then ask my mum
To write me a sick note
When the games lesson starts
I wanna miss the boat
Refuse to take off my coat
I can’t swim I sink not float
And I can’t catch in cricket
Kick in football or rugby
So please don’t make me do PE

 
I’ve got more of a mathematical brain
I don’t like anything that gives me pain
Or makes my muscles stretch or strain
Or sprain
I don’t wanna get splattered in mud
Again and again
As I wheeze, whinge and whine
Through the fog, wind and the rain
While staggering through a two-mile cross country
So please don’t make me do PE

My Girlfriend is a Witch

I thought she just liked wearing black
I thought she just wore a cape
‘Cause she had no plastic mack
Or anorak
But I was wrong
And here’s the chilling fact
She’s a witch
My girlfriend is a witch
 
She keeps an evil green-eyed cat
She made me tea with a murdered bat
On her head is a huge pointed hat
I wanted a woman
Beautiful and rich but
She’s a witch
My girlfriend is a witch
 
She cooks in a cauldron
Not an oven
She’s asked me to join her mysterious coven
She weaves magic spells with her wand
The neighbours she had are now frogs in her pond
I wish she was like other girls
But she’s not
Her hair is as green as the slimiest snot
On Halloween she gets her kicks
She wants to star in Hollywood horror flicks
She’s a witch
My girlfriend is a witch
 
She lives in a castle
Summons thunder and lightening
I want my mates to meet her
But she’s far too frightening
Too much dark eye make up
She’d cast me down a pit if I said we should break up
I know I wanted to get hitched
But not with this lady
Who cooks in blood instead of gravy
She’s a witch
My girlfriend is a witch
 
She’s so scary
I’d prefer a princess
Or a beautiful fairy
Instead of someone old, warty and hairy
Please get me out of this fix
The two of us have never quite clicked
Perhaps I’ll disappear using one of her tricks
Or make my escape on her flying broomstick
She’s a witch
My girlfriend is a witch
 

She’s So Totally Cool

She’s so totally cool
She’s the coolest in the school
She’s re-written every rule
In the Cool Book
The way she moves
The way she looks
She’ll get you hooked
And she’s the face
Of Myspace
She’s so totally cool
 
As a cucumber
On e-bay she sells her mobile number
She could freeze the hottest summer
She’s cooler than anyone you’ve ever met
When the pressure’s on
She won’t fret
Even if she lost a thousand pound bet
She won’t break a sweat
Or perspire
She can snuff out a forest fire
She’s so totally cool
 
Takes an independent stance
It’s in her glance
It’s in her voice
It’s in her dance
More je ne sais quoi
Than the whole of France
She’s so totally cool
 
She IS style
With a capital `S’
The Cool Princess
Coolness is a quality with which she’s blessed
By the tonne
In this year’s Cool List she’s number 1
Top of the pile
And yeah, she’s got the coolest smile
She’s so totally cool
 
She’s a free spirit
Knows her rights
Don’t do designer labels
Don’t wear Nike
What is she like?
She’s outta sight
She’s so totally cool
 
She talks others listen
She leads others follow
She don’t get stressed
Or let her mind get messed
She leaves tomorrow till tomorrow
Lives for today
In her own special way
She’s so totally cool
 
She don’t get bovvered
Or perturbed
Or freaked out
Or disturbed
Or hassled
Or frustrated
She’s so chilled
Not aggravated
She could make King Kong feel placated
She’s so totally cool
 
She’s top banana
She’d even look cool in my Spider-Man pyjamas
She’s so sorted, sussed and clever
She’s soooooooo got her life together
She’s so totally cool

Why Can’t I Cook Like Delia Smith?

Why can’t I cook like Delia Smith?
My steak pies
Rarely rise
And my bread puddings go stiff
When it comes to cheffessing Delia’s ter-rif
While the look
Of what I cook
Ain’t like the photos in her book
I curse and swear and shake my fist
I’m sooooooo miffed
Why can’t I cook like Delia Smith?
 
She’s catering’s goddess
She’ll prepare a six course supper
For twenty guests
Without any stress
Or mess
Not a single crumb
Oh hell
Oh bum
My runner beans won’t even run
There’s no current in my current bun
There’s no pop in my poppadom
I’m gonna jump from a cliff
Shrieking from the precipice
My final request
My dying wish
Why can’t I cook like Delia Smith?
 
My beef bourguignon’s like rubber
My risotto always sticks
Last time I had a dinner party
Seven guests were sick
Projectile vomiting
Left them a bit cross
Caustically commenting
And longing for culinary bliss
If only I could get the gist
Why can’t I cook like Delia Smith?
 
Her TV programme’s haunting me
Her radio show is taunting me
I’ve even burnt a cup of tea
(Not my fault - I lost the recipe)
Dear Deirdre
What’s wrong with me?
I’ve incinerated my chargrilled fish
Leaving one pressing question topping my list?
Why can’t I cook like Delia Smith?
 
The Cordon Bleu Queen
She’ll go a la carte
While a simple slice of toast I grill
Is guaranteed to make you fart
But in her marble-cladded kitchen
Delia looks the proper part
An artist practising her art
Where do I start?
I’m losing heart
I haven’t got her gift
My soufflés never lift
My flour never sifts
My efforts never will desist
But unless I make a paradigm shift
Forever I’ll be asking this
As I muck up my umpteenth dish
Why can’t I cook like Delia Smith?
 
So
If you want a decent meal ya
Don’t ask me to cook
Ask…
Jamie Oliver

Never Eat a Whole Elephant Sandwich

Never eat a whole elephant sandwich
It’s a daft thing to contemplate
You’d need three tonne of butter
You’d look a right nutter
And you’d end up cracking your plate
 
It’s too big to fit in your lunch box
It’s too big to fit in a case
It’s too big to fit in your locker
It’s too big to stuff in your face
 
Never eat a whole elephant sandwich
Your stomach would bang like a bomb
Proceed with great caution
Try small bite-sized portions
So you’ve room for some sweet later on
 
It’s too big to put in your handbag
It’s too big for your rucksack
It’s too big to put in your fridge
It’s too big to have as a snack
 
Never eat a whole elephant sandwich
Well that’s what the zookeeper said
It will certainly fill you
Probably kill you
And besides
You’d run out of bread
 
 
 
 

I Can’t Wait Till I’m 10

I can’t wait till I’m 10
I can’t wait till when
I have two digits in my age
I’m scared of the dark now
But soon I won’t be afraid
I’ll make the grade
Start a new decade
Then
When I’m 10
 
I’ll date my first girlfriend
Take her home to my Mum
We’ll hold hands in the movies
Share same chewing gum
It’ll be so much fun
I can’t wait till I’m a zero and a one
I’ll not want to be young
Again
I can’t wait till I’m 10
 
I’ll be able to choose the clothes I wear
Have baths with no-one watching
Sell all my teddy bears
And do my own cooking in the kitchen
I’m just itching
Till my next birthday
When I’ll be so much more mature and able to say
I’m old enough to mix it with the men
I can’t wait till I’m 10
 
I’ll stay out late riding my bike
Decide when I turn off my bedroom light
Do real joined up lettering when I write
Not with a silly Batman pencil
But with a posh adult fountain pen
I can’t wait till I’m 10
 
I’ll start to plan my life ahead
Think about having my own kids
A career
And when I’ll be wed
Seven was heaven
Eight was great
Nine was cool
But 10 will be cooler
I’ll measure my height each day with a ruler
Till I’m nearly as tall as my Dad
And that can’t be bad
I can’t wait till I’m 10
 
I can walk my dog by myself
Cross the road on my own
If my parents are out
I’ll be left home alone
I’ll chat, chat, chat and chat to my friends on the phone
Take on more responsibility
Make everyone cups of tea
Start learning psychology
And maybe sociology
That’s how it will be
Come the time
When I’m no longer nine
What’s been the reason for writing this rhyme?
I can’t wait till I’m 10
 
 
 
 
 

Poetry Dad

I’m Poetry Dad
A permanent fixture on the poetry scene
Though ageing just a tad
48 but my material ain’t so bad at all
I’m drawing my poetry pension
But I’m still pretty cool
I’m Poetry Dad
 
Seems I’ve been around since 1503
I’m part of poetry’s present
And its history
I gigged with Shakespeare in days of yore
Ginsberg, Dylan, Cooper Clarke and more
A veteran of verse
Still knocking at your door
Coming back for more
I can’t be floored
Life’s one long encore
(Though my throats now gets a wee bit sore)
I’m Poetry Dad
 
I’ve got stickability
Despite receding hair
Rheumatism
And more limited agility
I’m a skilled practitioner in the art of literacy
Like an incorrigible elephant
I’m Mr Persistant
Always rolling and ready to rap and rant
I’m Poetry Dad
 
Performing on the stage is where you’re likely to find me
Though the young whippersnappers are coming up close behind me
On my coat tails
But I won’t fail
Or flail
As indestructible as Captain Scarlet
Tougher than chain mail
Through the rising tide of new spoken word and rhyme
You’ll still hear mine
A mature Cheddar cheese
A vintage wine
A priceless antique
A classic TV comedy show
Who’s my alter ego?
Still bringing in the dough
Still making them wicked words flow and flow
Forever fighting a poetic Jihad
It’s Poetry Dad
 
 
So who you gonna call
When your muse of inspiration
Meets the blues of constipation
And your pen isn’t firing at all?
Make me the first choice
I’ll help you find your voice
I’ll be the Superman to your Lois
Call me - Poetry Dad
 
And all you poetry boys and poetry girls
One day will grow older like me
Approach your dotage and senility
While still trying to retain street credibility
Sure as eggs are eggs that day will come
When you too will be Poetry Dads
Or Poetry Mums
But till then I’ll fly my generation’s flag
Proving I’m not just a passing fad
And I’ll still be reciting after I die
At that never ending great gig up in the sky
WHO AM I?
I’m Poetry Dad

Making a Mess

I like to make a mess
I enjoy getting mucky
It’s super getting dirty
Smelly, slimy and yucky
Sand between my toes
Playdoh up my nose
Fingers full of sludge and fudge
Ketchup down my clothes
People look at me disgusted
When I’m caked in chocolate custard
Ribena stains my vest
And I never comb my hair
So it looks like a bird’s nest
Because I like making a MESS
 
It’s great to get in a state
With grease and grime my mates
Tidiness is terrible
Cleanliness I hate
So I lick food off my plate
And get icky
And sticky
And feel a little sicky
I’ve plastered myself in paint
And smeared glue on my chest
What do I like doing most?
I bet you’ve already guessed
I like making a MESS
 
I play and play and play all day
But never put my toys away
Lego bricks fill my floor
Glitter and stickers cover my door
Stinky socks hang from my draw
Next to a pile of apple cores
My Mum can’t take it anymore
My teacher’s not impressed
I love to roll in rubbish
While shouting, “Yes! Yes! Yes!”
‘Cause what’s the thing that I like best?
I like making a MESS

Planet Tesco

“Welcome to Planet Tesco”
The year is 2094
Sainsbury’s was wiped out
In the First Supermarket War
Asda and Waitrose also bit the dust
Morrisons and the Co-op
Were forced to go bust
Woolworths disappeared from the retail map
(Though no-one noticed anyway ‘cause they were so crap)
As Tesco slowly took over the planet
Stores in every corner of the globe
From Hollywood to the Isle of Thanet
And a checkout in every road
A chilling mantra filled the air
As Tesco share prices rose and rose and rose
“Welcome to Planet Tesco”
 
The red, white and blue of the Union Jack
Changed to Tesco red, white and blue after the first attack
The Tricolour went the same way
Then the Stars and Stripes
As mighty Tesco wielded its power
It did anything it liked
It took a seat on the Security Council of the UN
Wrote the scripts for the Nine o’clock News and News at Ten
The Red Sea became an enormous vat of Tesco Beaujolais
(So it filled up with drunken rag week students every day)
National anthems were replaced by the Tesco corporate tune
The universe’s biggest cheese counter was owned by Tesco on the moon
Capitalism was running amok
It was a death penalty offence to not wear Tesco underwear and socks
Avarice and greed
Replaced want and need
The Tesco God was venerated
“Every Little Helps” was inculcated
Smaller traders assimilated
Millions more pounds generated
To feed the ever-expanding Tesco beast
Advertising hoardings appeared in every possible place
Even in outer space
9 out of 10 aliens – when polled
Identified the Tesco logo as synonymous with the human race
“Welcome to Planet Tesco”
 
Third World hunger was well and truly fed
And left for dead
But its population was now obese instead
While the earth’s military did nothing as of course
Tesco owned the entire army, navy and air force
Business after business was swept aside
Under the rising Tesco tide
Despite a three billion signature petition
Then Tesco distributed a new dictionary
That excluded the word `competition’
“No comment” said the statement from a powerless Monopolies Commission
The victim of another Tesco takeover decision
“Welcome to Planet Tesco”
 
Some changes were obvious:
India became one huge customer call centre
Australia Tesco’s booze section and in-house brewery
South Africa was the place to go for diamonds, gold and jewellery
You bought your Christmas turkey in – well – Turkey
All your junk food from the USA
While anything broken or faulty
Was – naturally - returned to the UK
Iceland was the freezer department
Scotland sold lard and pies
When Israel refused to sell bacon and pork
That was no surprise
And despite queues stretching west to the old Berlin wall
Russia still couldn’t stock its shelves at all
But that’s the way the world had to be
When Tesco ran the economy
 
Tesco holidays
Tesco cars
Tesco houses
Tesco bras
Tesco computers
Tesco aeroplanes
Tesco controlling gas, electricity and water mains
“Welcome to Planet Tesco”
 
It’s a hellish place
BUT a nightmarish dystopian vision of the future
We’ve no need to face
Your high street doesn’t have to be a fatality
This poem paints one picture
From an infinite number of alternative realities
So you can make it stop
Don’t purchase for your pocket
Support your local corner shop
Stem the flow
Don’t give the giant cause to grow
Resist, resist
Cry “NO! NO! NO!
And say “Planet Tesco?
“It’s not where I want to go!”
 
 

The Ultimate Superhero

I’m the ultimate superhero
No job’s too big or too small
When danger threatens our country
Or if your cat’s stuck up a tree
It’s me you’ll want to call
I’m the ultimate superhero

If you’re a bad guy then I’m your supreme test
My legs and arms are wider than your expanded chest
You’ll recognise me by the golden U.S.H on my vest
And like my fellow superheroes I’ve a cape to help me fly
If you shot, bashed, squashed or smashed me I’ll never die
Though I don’t suggest you try
I’ve even made a Dalek break down and cry
I’m the ultimate superhero

I’m indestructible
Undefeatable
Incorruptible
Totally unbeatable
Ultra-intelligent
Flabbergastingly fast
You’ll not see me wear an Elastoplast
Or a plaster cast
I’ll stop muggers who mug
Robbers who rob
Kidnappers who kidnap
Fighting crime is my job
I’m the ultimate superhero

Superman’s a gentle pussycat next to me
Batman’s a beginner, a novice, a trainee
While Spider-Man’s not even in the reckoning
I’ll spearhead the attack when danger’s beckoning
I pack the most powerful of powerful punches
I start work at six and never stop for tea or lunches
Do you know who the pick of the superhero bunch is?
Me - I’m the ultimate superhero

I’ve got a secret identity like all superheroes do
Who am I? Well, it’s a secret - so I’m not telling you
But rest assured I’ll be there when I am needed
When the laws of the nation are no longer heeded
I’ll be the first in the queue
To protect you
Beating super villains is what I do
So you can sleep safely in your beds at night
You’ve no need to live in fear, no
Leave it to me
To keep you free
I’m the ultimate superhero